Animals I saw this week

The elk are everywhere. Today I walked through the middle of a herd of them. I had Todd Langerveld with me, so I felt safe because he is about eight feet tall. I told him that if they charged at me I would hide behind him. For some reason we thought it would be okay to walk between the bull and his cows so long as we kept our eyes down on the ground and didn't look at them. Todd had to keep reminding me, though.

I also saw a rabbit yesterday. It was a city rabbit, I think, because it appeared to be foraging in a garbage can. Also, it was smoking a cigarette.

A little later I saw a fox, a really beautiful one. It was eating a rabbit, which probably ran slowly due to its smoker's cough.

Also, some deer. And it snowed today! Oh yeah, and a crow (raven?) that was about as big as a television. Which--depending on the size of your television--is quite impressive.

I just can't sleep without my wife here

I think I told you before that I can't sleep when my wife is not with me. Which is why I can't sleep right now. My eyes are burning from being open and I am still not in bed. Go to bed you big dummy!

Here is something cool, though. There is an owl outside my window right now and it is hooting and hooting and hooting. It's sort of soothing. Unless you're a mouse, I guess.

Carolyn writes a devo

Carolyn Culbertson has written a devotional on the gnw stinters site. It's about John Bunyan... although I was disappointed that she never mentioned Babe the big blue ox. And really, what is a John Bunyan story without flapjacks and Babe?

Anyway. You will like it.

A quest for my children

My kids were running around on stick horses with buckets on their heads, pretending to be knights.

Me: I have a quest for you, brave knights, because I am the King.

A: What is it?

Me: You must go put on your shoes, for it is time for us to go.

A: Well, I don't think I will do that, because I am the Queen.

Me: You still have to do what I say then, because I am the King, and the Queen has to do what the King says.

A: Well, I will be the King then.

Z: Who tells the king what to do?

Me: I don't know. The emperor.

Z: Who tells the emperor what to do?

Me: God.

Z: Well. You're not God, Daddy.

Me: Yes, that's true. Go put your shoes on.

A deep desire to overthrow something

One thing I noticed while watching V for Vendetta is that deep down I really do want to overthrow a government or a world system or something like that. I suppose the title of my blog gives that away. I have a pretty deep-seated desire for Justice. I like to see the bad guy get punished. I like to be the one to do the punishing. I can see the way someone's mind works when they start to say, "Hey, we should overthrow this government and replace it with something clean and new and beautiful."

But then we get to the means of accomplishing that, and I start to wonder if violent overthrows really do the deed. I mean, thank you Founding Fathers, for throwing all the tea into Boston Harbor and so on, but was that really the way to go about things? I wonder.

I guess my thought is that real revolution, real transformation, has to start with individuals and their connections to the people around them, and spread like a virus. What good is it to overthrow a tyrant and replace them with another? That seems to be our history, us as a human race.

I hope that my writing can have more effect on the lives of others than me killing someone. More positive effect, at least. I hope that living a righteous life, in the end, will mean more than killing a king or queen or whomever. I hope that being a good father will have more transforming effect on my society than me stomping out a bad government.

I just don't think terrorism works. Not in the way that a "freedom fighter" hopes it will. I don't think violence is the answer, unless that violence can somehow distinguish between the righteous and the evil, the just and the unjust. And I think the only revolution that will matter, the only one that changes anything in the future of our world is the revolution of the heart. That's the only revolution that can bring lasting, beneficial change on a societal level.

V for Vendetta

My Father, Father-in-Law and I went to see V for Vendetta last weekend. They are not to blame, it was entirely my idea, as I was interested in seeing the movie adaptation of the comic book, and also as the Wachowskis (of Matrix fame) had written the script.

I suppose the rest of you saw this coming as soon as I said "comic book" but I had sort of hoped the movie wouldn't veer into melodrama (it did). I also hoped that it might maintain some of the purity of the comic's study of anarchy vs. fascism and the grey spaces between the two (it didn't).

The main problem here was the sermonizing. I didn't go to see a sermon, but that's what I got. Instead of fascism vs. anarchy I got conservative Christians vs. loving (but firm) liberals. It makes it pretty hard to be entertained. On the other hand, it's a good idea for all the Christians to go see this movie so they can see how an unbeliever experiences so much of Christian media.

Things I liked: V's dashing Robin Hood performance. Seeing Natalie Portman actually act.

Things I disliked: the cartoony black and white morality essentially made this a film about a good guy who is a terrorist. As my father-in-law said afterwards, "I guess we should stay out of London for the next twenty years."

Last but not least: I am rather fond of anarchists. I think they are cute, like bunnies.

HOORAY!

Krista's Dad found my missing Bible. It was on the coffee table at his house. Now I can read the word again! Yay!

The Shining

Here I am in Estes Park, CO, at the Stanley Hotel, probably most famous for being the inspiration for and filming location of Steven King's "The Shining". Supposedly it's haunted. I'm actually on the fourth floor, where most of the supernatural activity happens.

But allow me to say: I ain't afraid of no ghost.

I'll keep you appraised of any strange happenings. I actually did just hear some kids run by in the hall, but I am assuming it was actually kids running by in the hall and not ghosts of kids running by in the hall.

And remember: All work and no play makes Matt a dull boy.

Uh-Oh

Our good friend Ken is on a rampage!

Alexis is organizing armed revolution among the disabled veterans of Croatia!

The Omnivore is toasting the novels I loaned him!

Rob is forced to admit that I AM RIGHT!

Taylor exposes the undercover Tigers.

Matt gives Stella a bath in the sink.

Andy gets a nose hair trimmer.

Meanwhile, Dave is not on the moon. A pirate ship appears on the horizon! A shot rings out!

And I think that the best picture to sum this all up is Godzilla in "DESTROY ALL MONSTERS!" For that sad minority who has never seen DESTROY ALL MONSTERS, it is the story of alien forces on a lunar outpost who simultaneously set free all the monsters of yore, from Godzilla to Ghidrah. Only the United Nations Starship Moonlight SY3 can save the citizens of Earth from utter chaos and imminent trampling.

Yesh!

For My Friends In Italy

If the words "lost" and "map" mean anything to you, you will want to click on this link.

If you haven't yet seen this week's episode, STOP. Watch the episode and then come back.

What I Should Be Doing Right Now

I *should* be working on a paper for seminary due this Monday night. I'm writing about the different ways Moses appears in the gospels, and what significance that has for us today.

Or rather, it's what I will be writing about when I get around to it. I told Krista that it's a good thing I didn't go to college with her because I would have really brought her GPA down (she's writing about the uses of words having to do with water in Isaiah and the gospels, and she's been working on it all day and is more than half done).

Anyway, I told myself I would only put it off until eight o'clock tonight at the latest. And according to my watch it's 7:58 so catch you all later.

Frogs

One of the things I love about spring is that all of my frogs come back. They live all over the place in our back yard. Possibly one of the most traumatic events of our early life in this house was when I accidentally lawn-mowed one of the little guys. I told Krista I wasn't sure I could mow the lawn ever again. I felt guilty for weeks.

Anyway, they're back now and hooray! I love to hear them calling to each other out there at night, and I love that they're here. I love to show them to my kids, and last year we had several pregnant momma frogs living along the foundation of our house! The decline of world amphibian populations should be disturbing to everyone, and I, for one, am glad to do my part by not mowing the lawn yet.

I've included this chart from the Global Amphibian Assessment website, showing the number of amphibian species in various parts of the world. These guys are tracking the world health of amphibians overall. Pretty fascinating stuff, be sure to take a look!

Note to My Friends: Cyborgs are Evil

You know, I was raised by my Dad to know all about cyborgs, werewolves, mutated survivors of nuclear war and so on. We often watched the Saturday afternoon sci-fi movie. And I am disturbed to say that we appear to be in great danger, and just like in the movies we continue blithely along while the robots make their bid for world domination.

I, for one, am extremely disturbed and frightened by the Bluetooth phenomenon. Have you noticed how many people wear these things all the time? Not just when they are on the phone, no! But when they are sitting around reading a book, while they are in the bathtub, while they are plotting world domination. CYBORGS! Yes, that's right. Don't try to deny it. Evil, evil cyborgs. And they hate us because we are human. They want to use us for spare parts. Creepy!

NOTE: Remember when people used to be embarassed if they had to get a hearing aid? Seems kind of cute and unobtrusive now, doesn't it?

Note (2): If you end up having to get a cybernetic implant of some sort and you are not evil, please refer to yourself as bionic.

When Does Matt Blog?

I have heard rumors that my faithful friends in Montana are asking, "When does Matt blog?"

Well. Not during LOST, that is for certain.

Most often I blog while my kids are in the bath. Sometimes (like tonight) I do it sort of late at night after everything else is done. Or sometimes I do it early in the morning.

It's sort of my hobby, you know.

Does that answer your question, my Montana bretheren and sisteren?

Mmmmm. Good t.v. night tonight.

We started with "The George Lopez Show" which I think is my favorite (current) sitcom. Perhaps because I am hispanic. Or perhaps because his show is what my show would be. Except I wouldn't make mean jokes about my family. But the rest would be the same.

Then I took out the garbage, turned off the lights in the kids' room and ran off to get fresh strawberry milkshakes for me and Krista and then JUST IN TIME I got home for a brand new episode of LOST! Woohoo! And it was a good one!

Religion with Angry Bob

Click on the picture to make it "reading size." And remember the moral of the story.












You can see more Pearls Before Swine on their website.

The World's Fastest Indian

Krista and I crossed over to the Darkside this weekend and went to see "The World's Fastest Indian."

Basic Story: Anthony Hopkins plays an old man who wants to take his ancient Indian motorcycle from New Zealand to the Bonneville Salt Flats in the USA so he can try to break the world speed record.

It's well acted, well written and well directed. To call it inspiring might be exaggerating. Enjoyable would be a fair thing to say.

The weird part is that it is basically a movie without a plot. You have the driving force of the guy's lifelong desire to race his motorcycle providing all of the tension, and a bizarre series of crises strung together. It was pretty clearly a biography, and apparently they felt bad making things up to turn it into a story. Strangely, it was still an enjoyable movie to watch, I didn't even notice the missing plot until we walked out of the theatre.

The Case of the Missing Word

My Bible is missing. Let me know if you see it anywhere. I thought I packed it in my bag when I went to Corvallis this weekend, but I didn't see it when I got there. I didn't see it in my bags or in my jacket pocket, or in my car.

Where are you, Bible?

On a related note: I made a new policy for my personal life last week, that I don't read my e-mail before spending time with the Lord. Otherwise my e-mail dictates my mood and life to me. And that's just not right. So. Until I find my Bible, I guess I just can't read my e-mail. Just kidding.

Don't drink and drive

Here is a strange thought. Why do all of the "Don't Drink and Drive" signs have pictures of martinis on them? Do you think police officers are always pulling people over who just had one too many martinis? Is the problem with drunken driving centered on those hip martini parties?

Wouldn't the picture below be better?

A Hallmark Moment

I had a Hallmark moment today, one of those times that you realize could be on a television commercial specifically designed to make people cry and buy greeting cards.

I was standing in the kitchen making lunch for K and the kids, when I looked outside and saw my beautiful wife playing soccer with our two beautiful kids, and the sun was slanting down on them in just the right way, and of course the bulbs K planted last summer are turning into flowers, and our trees are blossoming right now, and the kids and K all looked so happy and they were laughing with each other.

It's one of those moments that I couldn't have imagined ten years ago. How could I understand how much it means to have a fun-loving wife who enjoys our kids? Or really, how could I imagine having a job that was flexible enough for me to be home for lunch to see this?

Thank God for the blessing of Krista, who makes our house home, encapsulates half of what I love about our kids, makes me a better person and helps me enjoy all the other, lesser blessings of life.

If you only go to one website this year...

Then it's gotta be this one.

Yes, it's time for some official Burning Hearts Revolution gear. Don't worry, our impressive thinktank of creative thinkers will be working on new and impressive things to add here occasionally, so don't feel bad if you buy all of these at one time and get a sort of lonely feeling afterwards. We'll make more, we promise.

p.s. Despite the popups and hypno-adds, these high-quality tie-in products are meant purely for your laughter-inducing enjoyment and there is no reason that you should feel an actual need to purchase anything.

p.p.s. We have been told, however, that it's very comforting to have a throw pillow with the Revolutionist on it.

Politics on t.v.

Someone on t.v. said that we are now "throwing off the shackles of prefabricated political solutions" which is another way of saying, "I know you don't know what I am saying but you must now agree with me because I am smarter than you."

Go Ralph Nader!

oops. I mean, Mikalatos/Culbertson 2012!

New Devotional

I put up a new devotional on one of my many blogs. Because one blog just isn't enough.

Getting to Know You: Which of the following statements is *not* true about Matt

1. Krista once agreed he could have a pet monkey. (43%)

Believe it or not, Krista once agreed I could have a pet monkey. I couldn't figure out how exactly one gets one, though, at least not before we had kids. And then it just seemed silly to get a monkey because our kids already acted like monkeys. Plus, rabies shots are expensive.

2. He once insulted Sonny Bono to his face. (21%)

True confessions: I was the vice-president of the College Republicans. I met Sonny Bono at a fundraiser. As he left the party I shouted, "Sing 'I want you, babe!'" This, I am sure brought up some bad memories, because he said (not nicely), "Why don't you sing it?" To which I had to honestly reply, "Because I don't know it." Ooops. Score one for the democrats!

3. He almost had a job writing for "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". (21%)

This is true. Then I told the person who was getting me the job that Buffy was the "stupidest movie I had ever seen." For some reason she retracted her offer to get me a job.

4. He speaks some: Latin, Spanish, French and Chinese. (4%)

I don't speak any French. Not a lick. Krista is the only one who voted for this one, proving that only she truly knows me. C'est la vie!

5. "Mary Poppins" is one of his favorite movies. (7%)

No, really. I like it.

6. He almost fell off Vernal Falls in Yosemite. (4%)

Yup. In middle school we were taking turns sliding down this one part of the upper river that led to the falls, and I pushed further out into the river so I could go faster. Three guys had to jump on me to keep me from careening to my watery grave. Thanks, guys. I owe you one!

A toast

To the BHR community--

You brilliant, cultured, well-loved Ladies and Gentlemen on seven continents, long may you wave the flag of the revolution!

And now...let us write generous haiku in honor of ourselves. Or limericks. Or, for those of you with nothing to do, Shakespearean sonnets.

More material possessions that make me happier than they have any right to do

our dishwasher
"blackout" shades
my watch (a gift from Krista)
my (homemade) bookshelves
my wedding ring
my Doc Martins
my laptop
my library

Query: Would a blog count as a "material possession"?

Four things that made me happy today

1) One of my bosses from the national team came and hung out today and took my team out to dinner.

2) A new episode of LOST tonight, finally! And it claims it will have a new episode next week!

3) My recycling cart. Wednesdays are garbage night and there truly are very few material possessions that I enjoy more than my recycling cart. It makes my life easier and better. And I bought it from a guy at a garage sale who didn't know what he was doing and sold it for, like, 2 dollars or something.

4) My lovely wife and well-kempt children joined us for dinner. My lovely wife watched LOST with me. My wife appreciates my recycling cart.

check it out

Andy has one of these on his page, so I thought we would test it out here in a post. Should be fun. It shows little dots to represent each and every one of you.

On Fire!

Our friend John recently wrote about his hatred of static. At first I thought he was insane, but then I came across this news article. So. What should I do with all my wool clothing, that's the real question.

Two Important Facts About Today

1) K and I have a big midterm tonight.

2) Herman of the Zone is coming to stay with us.

Poll results are in (Parenting With Matt 101)

The results of our "Parenting With Matt 101" poll are in. A clear majority said that if their child saw a fat person walking by and said, "Daddy, look at the fat person" their reply would be, "Shhh! Do you want them to eat you?"

A few thoughts. One, it is highly unlikely that a fat person would eat your child. What this does reveal however, are two different and equally important parenting observations. Here they are:

1) Parents lie to children to get their way. Frightening the child into submission is just faster than explaining why we don't say mean (but true) things about the people around us in America. In other countries, of course, it would be completely acceptable to say that a fat person is fat. Anothre example would be my mother telling me that I had to eat the crusts of my bread because "that's where all the vitamins and good things in the bread are." Only as I got older did I realize that this is a complete crock, made up purely so that she didn't have to cut my crusts off my sandwhich.

2) Everything is scary to a parent. Once you have children, the world becomes a frightening world where everything can kill or maim. LOOK OUT! There's a plastic bag on the floor! Don't you know those can suffocate people? Can you believe those electrical sockets with no cover on them? Don't the bars on that lion's cage look a little far apart, I think a child could slip through! Be careful of that fat person, they might eat the baby.

So, thanks for voting. Here are the results of our poll:

Answers Votes Percent
1. Let's try to think of something nice to say. What a lovely shirt that person is wearing. 6%
2. I believe the correct term, my child, is "obese." 4%
3. Yes, and I am balding. And you are short. 14%
4. This is, after all, America. 6%
5. Shhh! Do you want them to eat you? 45%
6. You need to apologize to that fat person right now. 2%
7. I refuse to answer these ridiculous quesions, Mikalatos. I don't have kids. I'm not even married. For crying out loud! Put one of those easy questions about the monkeys back on here. 16%
8. I believe you mean "phat". 6%

Yet another reason not to live in Florida

A Florida Power and Light crew found this in a culvert.

South Park vs. the Scientologists

You may have heard that a re-run of a South Park episode making fun of the Scientologists got pulled at the last moment this week. Isaac "Chef" Hayes has also quit South Park since he is a practicing Scientologist. I am not a big fan of either Scientology or South Park, but you have to admit that the response of the South Park creators to this whole thing is pretty funny. Here it is:

"So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"
The duo signed the statement "Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu."

The Office

Krista returned from Italy having seen what she said was possibly the funniest single episode of sitcom-type show she had ever seen, called "The Office."

I was confused at first because ALEXIS, who loves the show told me never to watch it. She said I would be disturbed by it, that it was raunchy (but funny) and on and on. So I watched it this week and do you know what? It was funny. And do you know what else? It was clean.

So. Alexis. What is going on here? Am I an old stick-in-the-mud? Do I seem like a fuddy-duddy to you? I started watching LOST on the first episode of the first season, the first night it was on t.v. I am cool. No, seriously, I really am. Don't let the baldness fool you. Why are you trying to keep me from seeing good t.v.? Is it for my health? Or are you just trying to keep all the good jokes for yourself? Hmmmm? Or is there something more sinister at play?

Is this payback because I told you that I don't really like Seinfeld or Friends?

p.s. I don't like "E.R." either. I must shamefully admit, however, to having watched an episode of "Gray's Anatomy" and kind of liking it.

What we did for St. Paddy's Day

We were fortunate enough to be invited over to a real, live Irish family's house for St. Paddy's Day... the O'Brien family. There was green jell-o, shamrock cookies, corned beef and cabbage and a good time was had by all. They had even made cups for us that said, "O'Mikalatos" on them. Fun!

And now a word about the color you wear on this day. First, one of the women who came to the party wore a blue shirt and tried to convince everyone it was green. We all had a good laugh. But since she recently joined the BHR community, I won't say her name. She's pretty funny, though.

I wore orange, because I am a protestant. Catholics wear green. I never knew there were so many Catholics out there!

Anyway, Happy St. Patrick's Day. Kiss an Irishman for luck, and rub a Greek man's belly for good fortune.

Signed,

Matt O'Mikalatos, the happy Irish Greek

SABOTAGE!

Some of you may have noticed some irregularities here at BHR today. You might think that I, the Revolutionist was experimenting with crazy new website nonsense and broke something. But it just ain't so. It was the power-hungry anti-revolutionist people who run things! That's right, it was deliberate sabotage! But don't worry, we'll burn the dirty rats out.

The New Mikalatos Diet

How it Works: Stop eating from the three food groups listed below.

1) Glasses of milk
2) Food that is found on the floor
and
3) Food that is left over from your children

I've lost four pounds!

A special comic strip for all my Calvinist friends out there

Double click on the comic strip to see it "reading size."

A writing update

I said the other day that I had a pending talk with an editor who is looking at one of my short stories. I suspected that he didn't like the new ending, and I was absolutely right. He really, really disliked it. But, on the other hand, he would like to see one more draft. So, in a couple of weeks I will send him another draft. I'll try to make it better!

In the meanwhile, in a bizarre and unprecedented act, I sent a query to a book editor at Bethany House fiction. He's trying to revitalize Christian fiction. So, I sent him a query for the first (and only) novel I ever wrote, "The Hinterlands." It would need heavy editing if he's even interested. Anyway, you can see his website where he answers pretty much everything you need to know about publishing and writing and where he has created a small community which is trying to build strong Christian fiction for the future. It's called Faith*In*Fiction and you can check it out here.

And if you would like to see a quality Christian short story about conversion, check this one out. The story came from a contest on the Faith*In*Fiction website.

What are you doing?

A: We're snails!

Z: We're just slugging around.

At the end of the rainbow you will find...

my house!

What To Do When You Are Torn Between Two Hearts

I can tell how some people come to the BHR. Today I was sad to find someone had found the site by putting "What to do when you are torn between two hearts" in a search engine. I don't imagine they found much here to help them....

Hey kid! Come back! Leave us a message. My readers are sensitive, smart and love to help strangers. Come tell us your troubles and we'll help you find out how to find fulfillment and not be torn between love and love anymore.

Also, we will make you smile, probably with numerous references to monkeys.

Oi

So. MC Hammer has a blog.

Hammertime!

Here are two well-loved poems

Counting Sheep by Russell Edson. Probably the funniest poet alive, with weird, profound insights in his "prose poetry."

God's Grandeur by Gerard Manley Hopkins is everything you could want from a poem. You could read it a hundred times and still enjoy it. Of course he was Catholic.

About William Carlos Williams

Here are two of his most famous poems:

This Is Just To Say

The Red Wheelbarrow

Here are two poems making fun of his two most famous poems:

Variations on a Theme by William Carlos William by Kenneth Koch

The Yellow Goldfish by William Carlos Williams' Cat

About the Trash Can

While you were gone
a massive wind
blew the lid
down the street.

I had to search
for it.

I don’t think
a neighbor
switched it.
Sorry.

Why my kids rule

My Mom (talking about my godsister): So, Miss Joy has a baby growing in her tummy, inside of her. Her tummy is sticking out now because a little baby is inside her tummy.

Z: That means she must be pregnant.

JUSTICE, and why I am not the one in charge

My beautiful wife sends me this missive from her wanderings in Italy:

"Hey Love,
About the trash can...
There was a massive wind storm while you were gone and the lid was blown down the street, I had to search for it. I don't think a neighbor switched it. Sorry.
Love you!
k"

It's almost like a william carlos williams poem, except it cuts like a knife! I'm a better person when Krista is here... she would have explained this to me if she had been here.

Importing Sharks

Scientists are suggesting that Australia needs more sharks imported to beef up the Australian shark population.

In other news, Australians are tying scientists to sides of beef and throwing them into the ocean.

For Fans of the Mouse Fire

Here's the story of a guy who broke his leg kicking a spider.

JUSTICE, Mikalatos style

So. A while back our neighbors' recycling container and ours were accidentally swapped by the recycling guys. So we ended up with a nasty, yucky one and they ended up with nice clean new ones. No worries, though, totally innocent.

TODAY, however, I was looking at the lid of my 32 gallon green plastic garbage can and realized it was not my trashcan lid. For one thing, the lid is cracked all to pieces. Now, I know my neighbor did not swap them because he has painted the lid of his trashcan sparkly yellow. Which means someone from across the street switched them. Which means that they did it on purpose.

And I know who it was. Do you know how I know? Because those jokers wrote their name on the bottom of it! Ha ha ha! So this next week I am going to type their name into an internet search engine, discover their address and then switch our garbage can covers. Heh heh heh.

The only problem is that this makes me paranoid. I have two of these garbage cans, one of which the handle broke off of, and one of which lost a wheel. Could the whole neighborhood be switching with me? Does that seem right or fair? No, it does not.

And what do I do when these junky garbage cans are completely useless? Do I set them out on garbage day with a note that says, "Please take the cans as well this week?" Do I set them in front of someone else's house? I am just not sure what would be best....

JUSTICE, God style

Slobodan Milosevic was found dead of natural causes in his cell today. A lot of people are upset about this, because they were hoping for justice... meaning that he would be convicted of crimes against humanity and, hopefully, executed. There's no doubt he deserved it. Mass murders, genocide, ethnic cleansing, a war in which rape was a social expectation... and he dies in his cel, apparently of natural causes.

It strikes me that this is the penalty we all face. Milosevic hurt and killed a lot of people, and in the end the worst punishment we could think of was the one God had already decreed for him: death. The same end decreed for me, for you, for all of us. It's just another reminder that we human beings are, all of us, more like than unlike. It's a reminder that Christ's salvation isn't only about being spared from Hell, it's also about salvation in our personal lives, salvation from the destructive presence of sin in our lives here, today.

I've already been tried and found wanting in the greatest court of law in the universe. But the judge has provided another to take my penalty, and I'm in a rehabilitation program now. My hope is to be more like Christ than like Milosevic when my moment comes.

Writing Updates

So... I should be talking with Ryan, the editor at The New Pantagruel either today or tomorrow.

And, last night I sent a new submission to the Christian satire magazine The Wittenburg Door. This morning I had an e-mail from Robert (the head editor of the Door). He had this to say, "Ooo -- SERIOUS satire alert! And very funny, too. I'll submit this to theApril 1 editorial board with a high recommendation, Matt. Good job. Robert"

That sounds promising.

Eavesdropping With Matt (Episode Four)

Dedicated to the old woman who came into Burgerville and out of the snow (yes, it was snowing today), her beehive hairdo wet with melted precipitation, her half-inch-thick spectacles fogged, her elderly husband shuffling in behind her like a confused winter wind.

Bugerville Employee: Ya need windshield wipers on those glasses, doncha?

Old Woman (meticulously removes her glasses in stony silence, rubbing the lenses clear with a handkerchief with a slow and practiced hand, puts them on again, looks to the employee, looks to the menu, all without speaking or acknowledging the presence of anyone anywhere): I would like a hamburger.

Countries I Talked To Today

Venezeula (four times)
Croatia (one time)
United States of America (five times)
Italy (one time)

Just so you know, best phone call was from Italy, because it was Krista.

A young man's opportunity

What is this mysterious organization? Could it be Campus Crusade for Christ, "A young man's opportunity for work, play, study and health"?

If so, where is my axe thingy? And my blue jumpsuit and hat?

3 Important Events This Weekend

1) My sisters are coming to visit. It is their 30th birthday, can you imagine that? We are going to hang out, eat meals and cakes, give gifts and have a grand old time.

2) I will talk again with my editor friend at the New Pantagruel about the newest draft of my short story. I think maybe he did not like the new ending, as he wrote to tell me he had some questions. But if he still wants it I will re-write that sucker until it looks like Tolstoy.

3) Saturday.

Lord Of War

I have this tradition that when K is out of town, I rent movies that she would not want to watch with me. A lot of times what this means is that I end up watching a lot of garbage while she is gone. She's really altered my taste in films, to be honest. I just don't have patience for a lot of the movies that I used to like.

So. "Lord of War" with Nic Cage (and, as it turns out, Ethan Hawke) was actually pretty good. It's the story of a Ukranian-American who discovers he is very talented at selling guns, goes into business and becomes an arms dealer. It's well written and the acting is great. It's amazing how Nic Cage can take a completely detestable human being and keep him just engaging enough for you to want to see what happens.

The strengths of this movie all come out when it is addressing human nature and the depravity of people. The lies, the violence, the greed, and Nic Cage's character's complete inability to have normal human relationships, Ethan Hawke as the lawman who knows Cage is evil but won't break the law to bring him down, Jared Leto as the brother who self-medicates to dull the pain and suffering he sees in the world.

The movie weakens when it takes a didactic route to shove its message down your throat (believe it or not, the message is: Guns are bad and your government is a bigger arms dealer than any individual dealer out there). There are a couple places (the beginning montage that follows "the life of a bullet" from manufacture to murder, the completely unneccessary filmmaker's editorial titles at the end of the film) where the passionate anti-war message gets in the way of the movie. I think, in fact, that the movie would be a better propaganda piece if you dropped the preaching and stuck to the story. In some ways, honestly, it reminded me of a Christian movie: "And now, we will come out and explain everything about the movie to you and tell you, your life doesn't have to be screwed up like Nic Cage's life...." It's nice to see that we haven't cornered the market on didactic film making.

Overall, I enjoyed the film. Lots of good lines, good insights into human nature, African despots, families, bizarre anti-social behavior and one strand of story, at least, where we see some redemption, or at least righteousness. And, of course, we see that living a life of sin is its own hell.

WARNING: I liked the movie pretty well. But there is a reason that K wouldn't watch it, my friends. It gets an "R" rating for violence, cursing, drug use and some inappropriate sexual relationships.

Tomorrow night: Another movie about Africa. Another movie with guns. "The Constant Gardener."

*&^%@#$!

I am not sure why an assembly of symbols is meant to convey cursing. I am not actually cursing, but I thought I would put those symbols in place because LOST WAS A RERUN AGAIN THIS WEEK! That is not right. And it was a first season rerun, too. Oh well.

On the positive side I had a very pleasant phone call with my buddy Chris instead of watching the rerun of LOST.

I can't sleep

I can't sleep when my wife is gone. But I can blog just fine.

Italia

My beloved received me home yesterday only to hop on a plane for Italy today. She's off on a shepherding trip to see our gang ministering there.

A friend said, "You guys sure love to travel."

Well. I guess. Mostly we love to do ministry and do what God asks us to do. And this is part of that. I honestly could do with less travel. But this is what he is asking of us right now.

In the meantime, I am hearing a lot of crying from the kids about how lonely they are without mommy. Z told me today that "Every noise reminds me that mommy is gone." Little A couldn't fall asleep until she came and crashed on the couch next to me.

Christians and politics

Here's a little interchange between Billy Graham and Larry King from their interview last December:

KING: What do you make of the Christian conservatives involvement in politics?

GRAHAM: I think they have every right to be involved. I'm trying to stay out of politics. And I have been queried quite a bit lately, why I don't take stands on certain issues. I just feel that my issue is the Gospel of Christ, that God loves you and that God is willing to forgive you. Put your trust in him. And I think that's my message. And if I get off on these other things it divides the audience.

Blame Kelley for this one

Kelley wrote about this and asked for my thoughts. So you can blame her. I had no idea about it until just now.

Apparently there's an organization called Christian Exodus which is encouraging Christians to move to South Carolina to take over the government (through legal means). At which point they will cause the government to give them their rights as a State or secede.

My thoughts. Hmmm.

Well, my first thought was that this is a joke website, like Dog Island, which I like a great deal. It's enough to make me smile just to go visit. But the more links I started clicking on and attached blogs I started to see I couldn't figure out how anyone would have the time to make a joke website so extensive. Also, it is only marginally funny before it becomes, well, quite frankly, a little pathetic.

Anytime Christians start thinking that politics is the answer to world transformation I just feel sad. And when they add to that thought the concept that cutting themselves off from the evil pagans somehow helps things, I am just speechless.

Okay, folks, put your seatbelts on, because I have a surprise for you. The most political thing that Jesus said during his "earthly ministry" was to pay your taxes. It's not like the Roman occupationist government was a godly, loving government, either. They had slavery. They used crucifixion as a punishment for thieves, runaway slaves and political dissidents. They wore skirts.

Still, we don't see Jesus gathering a big crowd, standing up and saying, "Hey! I have one important message for you! Everybody pack your bags! We're all moving to Joppa, taking over the city council and kicking out the Romans!" Hoooraaaaay! Shouts of acclaim from the crowd! Much rejoicing!

Don't get me wrong. God cares about politics. He does. And one day he is going to take over the government and rule as King, which will be awesome. But the thing he seems most concerned about when he addresses various governments is whether or not they are just and righteous, whether they care for the poor and widows, whether the people are faithful to their spouses and so on. I don't think that Christian Exodus' desire to do away with the law that forces emergency rooms to treat people with no money fits in. I don't think that what the US really needs is a bunch of hospital waiting rooms full of impoverished dead people.

Why didn't Jesus make more political comments? Well, look at what he did talk about. He talked about transformation through personal relationship with him. He talked about love for God and your neighbors. He talked about entering the Kingdom of God. You want to change the world? Then share the good news. You want to see our society changed? Then start living like Christ matters, and teach other people to do it. You want to see the hearts of people changed, you want to see abortion and slavery abolished and every person working their hardest and private individuals taking care of the impoverished instead of the government doing it? Well, it's not going to happen through legislation, friend. Good luck. Go read about Prohibition. Societal transformation cannot come without personal revolution. Personal revolution can only come from the Holy Spirit. End of story.

NOTE: I just want to say that should the good Lord choose to bring judgment on the good people of South Carolina by allowing Christian Exodus' plans to come to fruition, I would much rather live on Dog Island.

NOTE (2): I would rather not live in South Carolina regardless of who is in charge.

NOTE (3): I am running for President of the United States in 2012. If someone could get started making bumper stickers I would sure appreciate it.

A Public Thanks to the CCC national team

Many thanks to the CCC national campus team, which gifted me with a $15 gift certificate to Amazon.com, which I then used to buy:

A History of the African-American People (Proposed) by Strom Thurmond, as told to Percival Everett & James Kincaid

Story Quarterly (40)

Ultimate Prizes by Susan Howatch

So, I'll be reading these lovely books pretty soon! Sweet!

Dan Brown, defender of the faith

You may know Dan Brown, the author of "The DaVinci Code". The plot is built partly around the idea of a conspiracy to hide the "fact" that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married and that their children form a sort of royal bloodline. Of course Christians all over have been offended and angry about this best selling novel (which of course they had to buy and read, I am sure).

Well, now Dan is being sued for plagiarism. He's been unsuccessfully sued once before for the same thing. It looks like a pretty weak suit. But in recent interviews he said, "Suggesting a married Jesus is one thing, but questioning the Resurrection undermines the very heart of Christian belief." It turns out he considers himself a committed Christian. I think he clearly doesn't understand what that means. But I thought that was an ironic quote that I would like to pass on to all of you.

FIREWALL

And so, three of us set out to go to "Firewall", the new Harrison Ford movie.

This was a terrible movie. It was incoherent, badly written, implausible, and too many of the suspense scenes involved Harrison Ford typing on a computer keyboard. There were unnecessary scenes of torture, many of them involving the poor audience members. Harrison Ford is getting old. His only chance left is Indiana Jones IV. Or Star Wars VII. Or Witness II.

Question: When was the last good Harrison Ford movie?

South Carolina

If you've been wondering why I don't reply to your e-mails, answer your phone calls or return your post cards, it's because I am in South Carolina. I'm here at our national leadership conference. There are a lot of good things about the national leadership conference, but abundant time to spend on the internet or on the phone is not one of them. I have, however, had Matt O'Brien explain tournament poker to me, and have actually made it to one movie. You can see the review above.

Reflections on Daniel with Z

Me: And the king said, throw the wicked advisors into the lion's den. And do you know what happened? The lions ripped them to pieces!

Z: And blood got all over everything!

Me: I guess.

Z: And then the lions licked up the blood, right?

Me: I suppose they probably did.

Z: And the lions were happy to finally get their lunch. Because the angel closed their mouths the day before and they missed dinner.

Pet Steps

We saw "pet steps" at the store today. The tag line said, "No more straining" for your pets to get on the couch or bed. I thought that was funny. I thought of some other tag lines for it. K said I can't put them on my blog because they are condescending. But I am laughing right now as I am thinking about them. Hey... why don't you think of a slogan for "pet steps" and put it in the comment section?

My kids see their first movie

Mom and Dad took K, the girls and I to the movies today. It was the kids' first movie theatre movie. It was really funny to watch them laugh, hide behind the seats and literally jump to their feet as Curious George capered about on the silver screen. Having the big screen definitely makes a bigger emotional impact than television. And, of course, I am planning to take them to lots of movies in the future, so it was fun to go with them to their first cinematic experience. They loved it. We told them there might be another movie they could see this summer. So, do something right for once, Hollywood! Make another kids' movie I can take my kids to see!

A visit to the dentist

I have to get a splint. As you can see from the picture on the left, a splint goes into your mouth and then, well, I'm not sure but it appears that it sends "happy waves" to the brain. Hooray!

So the dentist was pointing out to me that my jaw clicks every time I open it.

Dentist: Have you ever noticed this?
Me: No.
Dentist: Does it hurt?
Me: No.
Dentist: Does it do this all the time?
Me: No.
Dentist: Is it sore?
Me: No.
Dentist: Do you get headaches?
Me: No.

But when I went home I thought about it and realized that I *do* get headaches (I typically ignore them). I also have this habit of massaging my jaws because the muscles there feel knotted. And I noticed that my jaw pops all the time. I just never paid any attention. I decided this is because I have a high pain tolerance. K says it's because I just don't pay attention to my body.

On another note, I would like someone to make a handbook that explains what the dentist and nurses are talking about to each other while they work on your teeth. Like this, "Number one is a 3-2-2." It makes me nervous. So much math. What if they are adding it up wrong?

P.S. I am apparently the last human being on earth to have wisdom teeth. The dentist and nurses all liked to look at them and then say, "Hey! You have wisdom teeth." I wanted to say, "Take a picture, it will last longer" but they had already done that.

Too tired to blog

You may have noticed that I have not been writing much lately. This is because I am so tired that my body is falling apart like a rag dog being torn to shreds by dogs. My left eye has a weird swelling thing under it. My myalgia is acting up (this is a disease generally reserved for middle-aged women, but I am not sexist). Oh yeah, and the dentist says I need "a splint." In fact, I think I'll write about my trip to the dentist, because that's the sort of quality writing that you all are coming to BHR to experience.

But I'm not complaining when I talk about all these health things... I'm just making excuses.

Curious George: The Movie

While watching "Curious George" I was mostly struck by the exact parallels between CG and "King Kong."

In both movies, a somewhat goofy dreamer heads off into the jungle, finds a monkey, brings it back to the Big City where the monkey creats havoc, a girl falls in love, and then the monkey is killed with airplanes. Identical!

The movie was pretty cute, fun for taking the kids to see. The colors in the animation were nice, pretty to look at, though the human beings did not move very convincingly. The soundtrack was mellow and soothing. There were no bad guys, no cursing, no anything but a relaxing, fun kid's movie. Okay, there's an idol. But it's purely presented as an archaeoligcal curiousity.

Overall, a really good time with the family. But then again, it was probably the company that made it good.

Grisham

I just finished reading The Broker by John Grisham. I keep thinking I don't like John Grisham. I don't like lawyer books. I don't usually care so much for plot-driven thrillers. But the reality is, he writes well and smoothly. I'm not distracted by his prose, which is more than I can say for most plot-driven thrillers. And, well, I guess I read all of his books eventually. It helps that they are strewn across every beach house and laundromat in America, because I can read them for free. Also, that Krista and her mom buy them.

I will say this, though. John Grisham clearly wrote this one just so he could have a tax-deductible vacation to Italy. His heart wasn't really in the book.

Best Grisham book (so far): A Painted House. No lawyers. Character driven. Still has smooth writing.

I also just finished another, better, greater book. I will fill you in on it sometime in the next couple of days.

You need to spend some time on Dog Island

For a good time, go check out Dog Island. Be sure to read the FAQs! Or if you're one of those people who is going to keep your dog chained up forever, here is a product for you!

The first reader to get a Burning Hearts Tattoo

And this anonymous reader receives a complimentary copy of our home game!

And then there were no more Curious George stories

I was reading "Curious George and the Toy Store" to my kids tonight. In the end the toy store owner gives George a small "surprise," a little wrapped present that he doesn't open before the story ends.

Me: What do you think the surprise is in George's box?

Z: I think it's a ball.

Me: What do you think, A?

A: I think it's a TIGER!

Me: Yeah. I guess that *would* be a surprise for George.

Why did the T-rex cross the road?

Here's a conversation with my daughter tonight.

Z: Dad, did you know that the animal that, um, the animal that lives closest to the... the closest animal living close to the T-rex is the chicken?

Me: You mean, the tyrannasaurus and the chicken are neighbors?

Z (shrugging): I guess.

Slave to Chocolate

Oh boy. This is picking up in the news, but has been an issue on the Ivory Coast for years (Cadbury chocolates stopped doing business in the Ivory Coast because of this about 50 years ago).

Here's a site that can give you an overview (warning: there are a few graphic images tucked away in places on the site). Also, just know going in that this guy is pretty angry and some of his comments are a little over the top. I will say, though, that this is not a political issue, as far as I'm concerned. It's a spiritual one. Perhaps the corporations involved are well-meaning but ignorant (I doubt it). I have no doubt, however, that the American chocolate-buying public has been unaware of it, and that together we can bring freedom to the slaves in this industry.

Here are some slavery-free chocolate companies.

For Pete Z

Pete Z asked me why I have not been blogging as much lately. Well, mostly because I have felt overly serious. Not that it can't make good blogging, but do you really want to come every day to find deep, weighty issues being expounded on? Well, do you?

Now. While I ponder whether you want to ponder my ponderances, you may think and reflect on the following quote from Mother Theresa:

"The world today is hungry not only for bread, but hungry for love, to be wanted, to be loved."

Pray for our Croatia team

Hey-- pray for our Croatia team. Why, you ask?

Well, off you go to some other blog to find out.

Another Very Nice Rejection

Hey friends-- I'm pleased to announce that I've received a second very nice rejection note (see below). It's not quite as nice as "rewrite it and send it back" but it is very close to that... "send us some more." I told my good friend the Omnivore that things have really started looking up since I started doing more than one draft of my work.

Hi Matt:

We kicked your fine article around the Editorial Board meeting a few times and -- reluctantly -- decided to pass. Not because of any lack of merit of the piece, but we've covered a lot of that ground in recent issues.The good news is that we all like the way you think/write and would welcome submissions of this caliber any time! Thanks again for thinking of us.

from the Senior Editor of the Wittenburg Door.

My sister

My little sister has a blog now. Go say nice things to her.

HA HA HA HA!

My friend Andy's site had one of those quizzes. His was "find out what theologian you are." As it turns out I am JURGEN MOLTMAN! Yes, that's right! Now that's funny. It was a tie-breaker with him and Augustine. You scored as Jurgen Moltmann. The problem of evil is central to your thought, and only a crucified God can show that God is not indifferent to human suffering. Christian discipleship means identifying with suffering but also anticipating the new creation of all things that God will bring about. Which theologian are you? created with QuizFarm.com

northwest women

I'm driving my daughter to school yesterday, and as we drive I am telling her a story. The story is about a lion, the king of the jungle, and how some antelope escape being eaten by telling him he's not really the king because he can't fly. The lion goes and steals some wings from an eagle, jumps off a cliff and is smashed to bits.

Then Z says, "It's a good thing that was a boy lion. Because if it was a girl lion, she would have been smarter than that."

Thursday is Social Justice Day

I went to the grocery store early this morning. It's raisin bread day there, which means buy one loaf of raisin bread and you get a second one FREE.

Well, here at the Burning Hearts Revolution, Thursday is Social Justice Day, where the BHR tries to provide you with some outlets for your thirst for justice in this unjust world.

So, join the Revolution!

Write letters to free slaves. There are more slaves in the world today than were seized from Africa in four centuries of the trans-Atlantic slave trade. Join the iAbolish FAN club and send some e-mails to world leaders. I did!

Pray for the elimination of porn shops in Portland. There are more "adult businesses" per capita in Portland, OR than anywhere else in the U.S.

Bust a meth lab.

KING OF DRUNK MONKEY ISLAND!

Yes! At last I rule all! If you do a search for drunk monkey award on MSN, the Burning Hearts Revolution comes up first! Ahhhhh haha ahah ahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!

In other, sadder news, I no longer come up at all for "monkey he got drunk and sat on the elephant's trunk."

You cannot get the same quality results on google unless you put quotes around "drunk monkey award."

You may now refer to me as King of Drunk Monkey Island. If you want.

Luchadores!

If you like luchadores and/or Jack Black, or if you like silly comedy movies, it is going to be important that you watch this movie preview, so that you can lovingly anticipate what is yet to come.

Note to Krista: I think since you would not go to King Kong with me, this movie is in your near future. It is coming to a theatre near you on June 2nd. We should probably get our place in line this week!

Sweaters

I was looking at this sweater that Krista and I got from lost and found about seven years ago. It's from Banana Republic. I used to go the lost and found for the high school youth group we worked with, then wear the clothes around until some kid said, "Hey, that's mine!"

So, I was looking at this sweater and thinking it hadn't really changed much other than the fact that it had faded and maybe shrunk a little. And I thought, well, that's not much improvement for seven years worth of ownership.

Then I started thinking about my kids. In about half the amount of time that I have had the sweater they have grown from the size of a few molecules to being large creatures. They have learned how to walk, talk, brush their own teeth, use the bathroom, help make mac and cheese, ride bikes. They're getting better all the time.

So. Sweaters are stupid. That's all I really wanted to say.

Evil in the Land

I'm reading Jeremiah. God keeps saying to take care of the aliens and not to abuse them. I started thinking about aliens and what exactly that meant. I figure the best parallel for me as an American would be "illegal immigrants."

Check this out.

The McFarm

Okay. My website is eating posts. It's eating my posts and your comments.

Which reminds me that when I was in Budapest I did get one meal at McDonald's. Since it was a foreign country, I decided that I would have to buy something unique to Hungary McDonald's... so I got "The McFarm" a specialty sandwich (as if the name didn't just scream "SPECIAL").

So, here's what you can expect if you get the McFarm: Two sausage patties on a hamburger bun with all the hamburger trimmings. Plus, dijon mustard. Lots and lots of dijon mustard dripping everywhere in a sickly yellow deluge. It was good!

"Does whatever a spider can"...changes clothes and everything

As many of you know (it's not a secret, okay?) I used to work at a comic book shop. For a long time. In fact, I would still be there if I hadn't been so keen to marry Krista.

Anyway, as if you care, I wanted you to know that Spider-Man is getting a new costume. Yeah, that's right. And if there's anything guaranteed to get everyone all worked up in the comic book fanboy world it's a new costume. There's just something about super-heroes actually changing their fashion sense that drives everyone crazy. So, anyway. Consider yourself a geek now that you read this whole post.

The drunk monkey award for excellence in blogging

If you go to this site, you will see that if you type in "monkey he got drunk and sat on the elephant's trunk" the Burning Hearts Revolution comes in as the fourth most relevant website. Unfortunately you cannot get the same quality results by typing in, say, "drunk monkey" or "elephant sneezed". No doubt this is because I just do not type "drunk monkey" quite often enough to bring the drunk monkey crowd into the site.

I will say, however, that one of our loyal readers has a wife who has possibly the best and funniest real-life monkey stories I have ever heard. (Hi, Joy!)

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Three)

This episode is dedicated to the two businessmen at "Muchas Gracias" Mexican restaurant and to the lovely woman working the register, who clearly did not speak english. It is also dedicated to mariachi bands everywhere.

Businessman: Hey, what comes on those burritos?
Cashier: Ehhh, the cheeken y the salsa.
Businessman: Could I get sour cream, beans and guacamole added on to that burrito?
Cashier (after a long pause): Ehhh. Okay.
Businessman (sitting down with his co-worker): Why are they playing that Mexican music in here?

Meditation #2: The rival shore

Krista suggested I take a Day With The Lord today, and as she said it I realized it had been a while... ironic since I preach its goodness to my stinters, my staff, my everybody. So, deeply thankful that she had suggested it, I set off this morning to find God.

Toward the end of my time I was walking along the Washington side of the Columbia River, able to clearly see the far side, although it was a long way off. I suddenly realized that God was across the river, at the other side and that although I felt close to him, although I had good time in the word and praying I still felt a huge dividing chasm of water between us.

It started raining. Big, drenching raindrops, not our usual mist. I felt helpless, really, to be so far away from him, and pictured him reaching his enormous arms over the water and lifting me up and over and into him. Then I noticed some Canadian geese enjoying the river and the rain, and I thought how amazing that he made them to be like that, to scarcely notice the difference between raining and not raining.

Then one of them leapt into the sky and flew, just as a man on a kayak came around the corner. Then I noticed the bridge ahead of me. And I realized that I could get to the other side, that I could enter God's presence if I wanted to do so. There were many ways to get to him. I watched the goose fly and said to myself, "If it flies all the way across the river, then all of this must be true."

I realized that God might be on the other side of the river, but he made me with wings. And so what if I wasn't quite sure how to use them yet? There was always the kayak, always the bridge in the distance, always airplanes for that matter. I think the distance between us has too often been because I'm standing on the far shore, staring, instead of swimming, flying, kayaking, walking, praying.

The goose flew to the other side, now just a dot with two flapping lines for wings. He kept flying, up over the rival shore and into the rain-drenched mist. I stood and watched and let the rain rest on me. I felt good and clean and cold and revived and I didn't notice the rain anymore at all.

Open Thread

Okay. Here's an experiment. I will say this is an "open thread." If you don't know, that means you can comment on anything you like. The weather, ancient Roman aqueducts, how to tell the future by looking at bird entrails, sports, how George Lucas is feeling since Star Wars only got nominated for a makeup Oscar, favorite movies from the 80's. Whatever.

You better write a comment or this is the last open thread, people. It will just be me talking and talking otherwise.

Advertisements on Christian radio

You can always tell who the expected demographic of a radio or television show is by the commercials. For instance, when Krista and I watch late night television, it is targeted at insomniacs, old people in so much pain they can't sleep, and people who like to play pool, talk on "date lines" and eat enough hot peppers to get on the "Wall of Fire" at the local bar (open all night).

So I've been listening to the ads on Christian radio. Weight loss centers, 1% mortgages, get rich quick schemes (but we're Christians, you can trust us!). Apparently they are targeting fat, gullible people with little or no cash who want to make a lot of money without spending any or doing any work. Whoa! Man. I can't believe they pegged me so easily.

Open theism

Krista and I have been talking a lot about open theism over the last few months, mostly because we are theological geniuses. We just sit around in our bathrobes in the morning (well, I actually wear a silk smoking jacket over my pajamas), drinking our mimosas and debating the latest theological fads. I smoke a pipe, and Krista has one of those long, girly cigarette holders. The children play in their nursery with the nanny to give us time to reflect on the weightier matters of the universe.

[A Note from our Lawyers: Matt does not have a pipe, nor Krista a long, girly cigarette holder. The children have neither nursery nor nanny. The Mikalatii do not sit around drinking mimosas. We suspect that Matt does not know what a mimosa is. He says, "Some sort of orange juice." They do not spend all morning in their bathrobes. Matt does not have a smoking jacket. He does not, in fact, have pajamas.]

So, open theism says that an infinite, omniscient God would know all future possibilities. I have no problem with this, because, you know, I read science fiction. I know all about traveling back in time to kill your own parents and time paradoxes and mulitverses and so on. Open theism goes on to say that God chooses not to be completely omniscient in the sense that he leaves us with free will, allowing us to make choices that will take us on different paths (although he would have foreseen all of them).

In some sense this boils down to God not knowing the future. And I've been prattling on in this post just so I could come to this point: I am reading Isaiah right now, and it is very clear that God knows the future. Not just his own actions that he has decided to take, but the whole shebang. He keeps saying things like, "I told you these things long ago, before they happened I announced them to you." And he mocks false gods and idols because they cannot tell the future. It seems that the ability to know the future is, according to God, a defining characteristic of deity. I don't think that eliminates free will. I just think he knows what we're going to choose.

So. Put that in your pipe and smoke it for a while.

Genre, immortals, human nature

I just finished reading Chasm City. I bought it for 50 cents at a library sale. Don't bother if you don't like sci-fi. If you do, well, it's decent. But Vernor Vinge is better, I think.

So, there are two things that interest me from this book. One is a discussion about genre, and the other is a discussion on human nature and our understandings and misunderstandings about it.

So, first we go to genre. Chasm City is science fiction. That much is obvious. But then we break into sub-genres. It's also space opera (Star Wars, by the way, is space opera, not science fiction). It's also a sort of noir. It's weird that we tell these stories often enough to have names for them. And sci-fi noir space opera is not uncommon. Go figure.

Okay, so a common meme in these sort of books is the "immortal" humans... people who have elongated their lifespans into the hundreds or thousands of years using robotics, genetics, wheat bran, whatever.

Here's the interesting thing. Every single book about the immortals deals with themes of BOREDOM. How boring it is to be immortal, century after century with nothing to do. Interesting, isn't it, that we immediately think of living forever as being immensely drab. Christians say this, too, with pictures of the saints having a thousand year harp concert in heaven. Yeeha! I think that boredom, though, is a sign of two things: immaturity and a life without purpose. When you're young, boredom just means "there's nothing I want to do." As you get older it's a sign of not knowing what you should be doing. I don't think, for instance, that Bono is going to get bored in the next hundred years or so... he's trying to eliminate AIDS and world poverty.

The next thing that happens to the poor, poor immortals is that they start dabbling in completely corrupt pasttimes to alleviate the boredom. Here's where I think the insights into human nature are right on. We default to evil. A bizarre sidenote to this... there just don't seem to be any ancient, wise humans. They might get smarter. They get more corrupt. But they don't get better. Aliens, on the other hand, can be these benevolent, wise, beautiful creatures if they have these long lifespans. I guess they don't have a sin nature. Like Yoda.

Lyrics by Z and A

My kids are clustered behind a rocking chair right now playing with empty rubber dresses from those little tiny dolls you can get nowadays. Yessiree, didn't have anything like them in my day.

Anyway, they are singing a lot of songs. Songs that they have made up (of course) like:

"Santa is going to jail next Christmas" (repeat phrase 20x)
and
"The goldfish is swimming away from us" (repeat phrase 20x)
and
"Holy night to you! Holy night to you!" (repeat)

These kids are geniuses I am telling you! I wish I had written songs like that when I was a little kid.

I asked the kids why Santa was going to jail, incidentally, and they just laughed at me. "It's just pretend!" they said. As if Santa would really be going to jail.... ha ha ha.