Louis Vs. The Orange Army

Dad and I went to Home Depot today to get some bits to fix up our sprinklers. We had a broken wax washer and we needed a new one.

The first game at Home Depot, of course, is "Seek the Employees." The employees try to hide from you, but have rigid rules they must follow. For instance, they have to wear orange vests, which makes them clearly visible from great distances. They have various techniques to overcome this, one of which is to hang out near shoppers wearing orange shirts. Also, they have a superior knowledge of the rat warren/warehouse maze and can slip in and out of the stacks like the Phantom of the Opera. Another rule they have to follow is that if you actually speak to them, they do have to make some attempt to answer your question. This is a deadly cycle, because other shoppers will see an employee helping someone and run -- sometimes as far as a mile -- to get up close to them and quickly shout out another question before the little orange leprechauns can escape.

Another technique they'll try is to give you a false answer that appears to be a true answer. Like so:

Dad: Can you tell us where to find washers?

Home Depot Employee: What kind?

Dad: I think it's felt.

HDE: Oh, metal. That would be aisle two.

Later, Dad and I discussed whether she actually misunderstood the whole "felt" thing.

Me: You said 'felt' right?

Dad: Yeah, I should have said 'fiber.'

Me: Maybe she misunderstood us when she sent us to the metal washers.

Dad: I just said the first 'F' word that came to mind.

We searched out another employee, one of the rare and harassed "stationary" employees who sit behind a desk in hidden alcoves, providing a diversion for their roving, orange-clad brethren. We made bonus points when he revealed the secret "plumber phone" in a hidden aisle, where we could summon someone to help us. But we found another employee just before using the Red Phone, and she pointed out "What we have" which was... not what we needed.

In the end we had to go find an actual plumbing supply store... Grover Electric and Plumbing Supply. We walked in and immediately a gentleman named Louis called us over to his service station, took one look at the faucet in my hand and leapt away, only to return with a small plastic baggie filled with all the replacement bits for our faucet, including the Washer We Sought. Then he disassembled our faucet, which was hard to unscrew (in fact, Louis called upon the name of Jesus many times while he struggled to get it apart). He finally broke the handle with some special tool, put it all together, gave us advice about when we reassembled things at the spicket, and even gave us a quick tutorial about where we could expect leaks if there was trouble: "If that O-ring doesn't seal in there tight, water gets in the pipe, comes down this way and right out that fricking hole." Yes, that is verbatim.

In the end, Louis saved us at least forty minutes. And he said fricking, which is a sure sign that he is a knowledgeable plumber and not part of the orange army. So, let us extend many thanks to Louis, He of the Superior Plumbing Knowledge. He said to us in parting, "I bet you're glad you didn't go to Home Depot, aren't ya?" We nodded and exchanged knowing smiles. Only suckers shop at Home Depot, and we were not suckers. No, we possessed a knowledge arcane and strange, wild and untamed as the planets, fixed and predictable as the stars. For we were part of that ancient brotherhood, the fricking plumbers.

The End.

News From My Neighborhood

My Baby Wrote Me a Letter. Shasta struck up a conversation with our Neighbor to the North, Derek, who shared his suspicions about why the Tongan family to our northwest suddenly moved out not too long ago. It seems that they were receiving disturbing hate mail that said things like "We hate you and we want you to move." Turns out he's been getting hate mail from someone about his cars and parking them on the street and so on. Of course the main suspect is our neighbor directly west who, yes, probably is the one who called in their cars. And who has the fake dogs barking and the cameras in the windows. Is this really true? I'm not so sure. We haven't had any issues with any of our neighbors, and I really wish our Tongan neighbors had told us about the hate mail. Then we could have (a) called the cops and (b) walked around to the neighbors and told them "Hey, someone in the neighborhood is writing hate mail." Maybe they would have stopped. Makes me sad that our neighbors moved out because of that, if that's what happened.

Oh yeah, and I also fought this pirate

This guy kept getting in my face and giving me trouble during my time in Costa Rica. You can see that I started off by giving him a warning glare. He kept coming up to me and saying "Soy cual soy" and then he would laugh his strange little laugh.

So I popped him one, and he took a swing at me. I kept rotating to stay on his blind side and he kept throwing these wild punches. Then I knocked his hat off, and he pulled my cardigan down so that my arms were pinned and he kicked me over and over in the stomach, but then I used my powerful abs to grab onto his foot when he kicked me, and then I flexed my abs and he flew over backwards and into a table of diners.

I tore my arms out of my cardigan and then leapt up high into the air, smashing the table he had been lying on into splinters. Then he ran like a tiny mouse, and I stood upon the hill and shook my fist at him, crying out, "RUN TINY PIRATE, RUN! RETURN NOT UNTO MY RESTAURANT LEST YE PAY IN THY BLOOD!" I could hear him crying like a little baby.

The End.

This one's for Hillary

Costa Rica Stint team

Here's the Costa Rica stint team for this year. From left to right, Jared, Lauren, Jason, Leah and Adena. A great gang, working hard to serve God and tell people in Costa Rica about Jesus. If you're the kind of person who prays, you can pray for them.

Rex, the bi-lingual wonder dog

This is Rex. He is Carlos and Tatiana's dog. They've taught him to respond to English commands, and he understands Spanish, too. That's right. Even the dogs in other countries speak two languages. Plus Dog Language.

News from my Previous Neighborhoods

Lori wrote in recently and suggested that I live in a strange neighborhood. I think that I live in a normal neighborhood. Yesterday, for instance, Krista and I went on a walk and saw some people launching fireworks into the sky, while nearby a high schooler wearing only a towel and another high schooler wearing only a bikini stopped playing basketball together to go on a drive somewhere with a bunch of other people. Just like in your neighborhood.

I thought I should back up my thesis that "all neighborhoods are created equal" by sharing about some of my previous neighborhoods:

1) The "Alicante" house in California. My favorite character would be Steve, the neighbor who had been shot in the head during an armed robbery at a liquor store. His mind never worked quite right after that, and he would come over to our house for rambling speeches about the types of ants in his yard or to ask us to change the lightbulbs. One strange thing about Steve was that he had an unerring ability to pick out movies I liked. I mean, I went to every movie he ever suggested and they were always excellent. It was strange and amazing. At the same time, he got permanently banned from the local Safeway for saying weird things to the workers there.

2) Our first apartment in California. Notable moments in our apartment neighborhood would include:

a) Neoma, the woman who worked in the office, calling to ask, "Is your stool running?" Took a while to translate that one.
b) The handyman coming to fix our gas fireplace, turning it on and, when the flames came to life declaring, "Instant sex." That was a favorite phrase of mine for some time to come.
c) Krista waking in the night to hear someone breaking into our truck, followed by me coming to the window and shouting (in my best scary southerner accent) "YOU BETTER RUN BECAUSE I AM COMING AFTER YOU!" The kid was so scared he dropped his very nice flashlight, which I think is still around here somewhere.

3) Our apartment in Seattle was just above a veterinarian who specialized in optometry. "The Animal Eye Clinic" it was called. Little one-eyed dogs made their way in and out of our building all day. Across the street lived the mysterious "Junk For Drugs" people, so named because I would stand on our futon and watch the strange, late night dealings in which they would take junk from people and the people would leave happy. And of course my good friends "THE DEATH SQUAD"... a gang of pre-pubescent anarchists who would throw garbage cans in the street and yell ANARCHYYYYYYY!

4) Our apartment in Asia had more interesting tales than can be boiled down into one paragraph, but let me just say that I sometimes popped popcorn before standing in front of the windows and just watching the passers-by. I will briefly mention "Tex"... the American ex-pat who claimed to have grown up in a Hispanic section of LA but mispronounced the word "flan" and, as near as we could tell, was on the run from the law. He used to wander around our courtyard drunk and yell at his wife (or his pet dog, when he got one of those later). I also loved the game, "Guess What Business Will Go In Here." That's when a shop closes and a new one comes in a week or so later. I never got it right, and was startled when one day they completely razed an entire city block across the street from us. Supposedly this would one day become a subway, but for the rest of our time there it was a field of weeds.

Which brings me to the conclusion that every neighborhood is strange and wonderful and filled with people of infinite variety and comical delights. Unless -- and I cannot deny that this may be the case -- I am a "magnet for the weird."

Now I have to go look out the front window and see what is going on out there. Maybe I'll pop some popcorn first.

Matt Mikalatos, Gourmond of San Jose

The first thing I wanted to do when Carlos picked me up at the airport in Costa Rica was get some food. Carlos asked what I wanted to eat and I said "COSTA RICAN FOOD!" I'm sure Carlos was disappointed, because he really loves Italian and seafood. But I don't think either of us were disappointed in this lovely meal seen above. I can't even remember what this was called... I want to say caballos. I also had some guanabana con leche, which was good, but I forgot that I prefer it without the leche.

Me, the Devil, and the Virgin Mary

As you no doubt remember, I spent last weekend in Costa Rica with our missionary team there. We had a great time. One night at a restaurant I felt that things seemed strange... and then this guy walked in. I tried to get a good picture, but it took some work. Here's the best I could get. I would like to say that it's better than what most parnormal investigators have gotten.

Then, last Monday, as my friend Carlos took me on a tour toward the airport, I noticed this car:



A little closer and you can see why I found this so humorous:



"The Virgin Mary: Made in Japan." Lovely. Carlos pulled up close to the bumper so I could get a good picture.

The Dolphin: A Story By Z

Z has started her own blog, believe it or not. She has been dutifully writing on it every day. It takes her an hour to type in a little paragraph, but she loves it. I won't put a link here, but I'll occasionally share her stuff here at BHR.

Here's a story she wrote a couple of days ago:

The dolphin

Once there was a very poor man. His name was Jim. He didn't have a house. One day he went
for a walk by the beach. Suddenly, a rainbow-colored dolphin jumped out of the water. It flew
over to Jim! Suddenly Jim found himself on a throne! With $50,000,000! Jim was never poor
again!

THE END

Spontaneous Praise and the Macadamia Nut

On the way to Costa Rica last week I pulled out the little bag of macadamia nuts I had brought for the trip.

As I carefully savored each one I started to realize once again how spectacularly good macadamia nuts really are.

And I started to say, "Mmmmm. Macadamia nuts are the best nuts of all. So salty. And the fat content is high, and they are smooth and creamy."

I suddenly realized I was actually praying, telling Jesus about how great macadamia nuts are. So I said, thanks for macadamia nuts. I think the fact that they exist show that you are a good God and care about us.

Which seemed a little goofy at the time, but I'm guessing I should be goofy in that way more often.

News from My Neighborhood

His Bark Is Worse Than His Bite. Krista and Shasta realized tonight that our paranoid neighbors to the west (the same ones who call the cops about any car that has been parked on the street too long) have a unique security system. In addition to the video cameras in front of their door, they have several BEWARE OF DOG signs. And a recording of a big dog barking. No dog that we have ever seen, just a repetitive recording of a dog barking. Why not buy a real dog that can really guard the house? It is unclear. Perhaps because of the inconveniences caused by a real dog. Like the way they bark all the time.

Guest Blog: I Wish...

"I wish there would be no more wars, and there would be peace."

At the airport in San Jose

I'm in the San Jose airport, and I have a while to go yet. I'll buy lunch in a few minutes, but I had a giant caramel milkshake from POPS today with my good friend Carlos, so I'm not really hungry yet.

However, I did see advertisements here for the Indiana Jones spicy hamburger, which has a picture of Indy with a look of uncomprehending horror looking at a burger which has fire coming out of it. I think that might be worth a shot. Also, McDonald's is selling "Beijing Burgers" in honor of the Olympics, which I am curious to see. No idea what that might be.

I will report back tomorrow sometime. Feel free to enjoy your ordinary boring burgers while experiment with these strange beasties.

Guest Blog: If I were in Charge of Mondays

"If I was Boss for Monday I would say No School for the week."

Enjoy your summer break, Z! Today is your first Monday of summer!

Guest Blog: Who I'll Take to the Barn Dance

"I will go to the Barn Dance with the horse."

Guest Blog: If I Woke Up a Tree Frog

"If I woke up a tree frog, I would go to Disney World."

If you think about this, it's actually a pretty profound statement. If you wake up as some sort of animal it is likely that Walt Disney either had something to do with it or can turn you back.

Guest Blog: If I Could Have Any Kind of Dog

"If I could have any kind of dog I would choose a poodle. And I'd name it Luc."

At least, I think it says Luc. I'll have to check on that one.

Guest Blog: Things I'm Afraid Of

"I'm scared of garden snakes."

They're colorful and weird, aren't they?

Not in Portland anymore, Toto

I'm in the Houston airport. It's different here than anywhere in the Northwest. Here are some clear differences:

1) The first thing I saw when I got off the plane was a FOX NEWS store. FOX NEWS t-shirts, magazines, etc. I think we might have had one of these in Portland, but then the people of Portland burst in, tossed over the tables and threw molotov cocktails into the center of the store, and a Powell's Book Store rose from the ashes.

2) Christian t-shirts. I've seen about fourteen people wearing Christian t-shirts this morning, which is easily twice as many as I've seen in Portland in the last four years.

3) I had something for breakfast called a "Chicken Biscuit." It's a foreign food, but satisfying.

4) You have to pay for the internet.

Be always vigilant of your surroundings

Yes, it's night time at PDX. My flight leaves for Costa Rica at 12:30 am. Not much exciting to report. Here's what we have tonight:

1) Right when we pulled up and my friend Brian dropped me off (we were right in the middle of discussing our theology class) we watched as a small white car backed slowly into the new Mercedes behind it. It was a love tap, at best, but the Mercedes guy leapt out, checked his car for damage, and failing to find any, still went and yelled (screamed, maybe) at the person from the other car. I'm sure his anger helps in business or something, but what a lousy life, worrying about your car so much that you yell at people when nothing happened. Relax, pal! Looking back on it I realize that he hadn't dropped anyone off, and seemed to be waiting at the drop off point. That's weird. I wonder what his story was.

2) I noticed tonight that the wording on the looped announcement inside the airport is strange. It says "Be always vigilant." A little awkward, right? Why not, "Always be vigilant"? It's going to bother me now.

3) While I was talking to Krista on the phone some guy walked up and asked if he could use my cell phone when I was done. I told him that wouldn't be a problem, but that it might be a while. He said okay and then walked off and hasn't come back.

"Be always vigilant of your surroundings." The announcement just came on again. Why the inverted wording? It's going to drive me crazy. I probably won't be able to sleep on the plane because I'll just be wondering about it. It's probably Yoda's fault. Stupid little Jedi. Shaking my fist at Yoda, I am!

In the meantime, I'm working on being always vigilant... watching all these regular people here at the airport, so eccentric when pulled out of their contexts and placed on my blog. Good night, my fellow revolutionists. Good night, Angry Mercedes Man. Good night, Guy Who Needs a Phone and Would Like to Use Mine. Sleep well, wherever you are, and wherever you are flying to tonight.

Be always safe in your travels.

In Absentia

I'm headed south on a little trip to Costa Rica tonight at midnight (or is that tomorrow morning at midnight?) and I'm not sure what sort of time/internet I will have for blogging, so I've scanned in some pages from my seven-year-old daughter's journal that she wrote in school this year. When I get back I'll try to make sure to have something wonderful to say about travel, Costa Rica, or guanabana.

Z's first post will go up tomorrow morning, and there will be at least one post from her each day I'm out of town.

I know you will enjoy them. She's a talented, interesting little person.

And, since I know that my second daughter, A, will see this and want a chance to put something on the blog, I'm sure you'll see a little something from her in the next couple of weeks as well.

Finally... someone whose politics we can agree with

What a relief to know I am not alone:

Cheeta Needs Your Help

As you know, I often feel sorry for rich people and famous animals.

That's why I think it is well worth your time to go help Cheeta (Tarzan's strangely named chimpanzee sidekick) to get a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

I think it is only right that Cheeta have his name on the filthy sidewalks of Hollywood where the drunks and drug dealers and prostitutes and occasional lost tourist can look down and say, "Hey, I think they misspelled this animal's name!"

Go sign the petition here.

If you don't Godzilla will be angry. “Ha ha ha…I’m just kidding, Godzilla doesn't care what humans do!” Also, he already has a Hollywood Star.

Jesus Kitsch

Your Own Personal Jesus

The fine folk over at BuyTalkingJesus would like you to buy-- for just twenty dollars-- a talking Jesus doll that gives you a "direct connection" with Jesus. Talking Jesus says things really close to the Bible, like, "Love others as much as you love yourself." Your kids will just love to see what Jesus says to Ken and Barbie! Be sure to watch the commercial!

Also available, Talking King David with Scrawny Legs and Big Noggin (pictured at left). Via Boing Boing.

Spam From Heaven

Fellow revolutionist Ken writes in to encourage everyone to check out the You've Been Left Behind post-rapture e-mail service. For a $40 annual fee, a cabal of savvy Christian programmers will host your post-rapture messages to loved ones. If they don't throw the "dead man's switch" every six days* an e-mail will go out to all your loved ones that says, "Remember when I told you about the Rapture and you laughed? Guess where I am now?" And the name "You've Been Left Behind" will gently remind them who was right about that one. I've left a message with the "You've Been Left Behind" website to tell them that I don't trust the emails will go out without a human at the computer, and that I sincerely hope they will hire a couple of pagans to come check and make sure everything works correctly once I fly into the sky.

*Now we know what "the button" was that Desmond kept pushing on the Dharma Initiative's Island.


The Further Adventures of Samson and Goliath

From the people who brought you Talking Jesus comes SPIRIT WARRIORS! These great action figures (pictured at right) are two of the greatest warriors in the Bible... Samson and Goliath! The only thing they are lacking is a media tie-in. I will provide one!

NARRATOR: Once mighty heroes upon the Earth, the dead warriors Samson and Goliath are sent back to fight at one another's side... for justice!

SAMSON: Are those two men trying to steal a car? I will tie their tails together with burning torches!

GOLIATH: Hold, Samson! Perhaps it is their own car, but they have locked the keys within the vehicle.

SAMSON: Do you think I'm blind? I have two eyes, Goliath.

GOLIATH: I thought the Philistines poked them out.

SAMSON: Wretched Philistines!

GOLIATH: Watch it, shorty. I'm a Philistine.

SAMSON: I forgot. Wait, there's an army massing over there to do evil. Let's go kill them.

GOLIATH: But first let's taunt them for weeks on end.

SAMSON: Ha ha! Yes, and I will give them an obscure riddle based on my own life that they will never be able to figure out... unless I fold to the pressure of a pretty girl and she tells them all about it.

GOLIATH: Ho, ho, ho. You are so weak!

SAMSON (under his breath): At least I didn't get killed by a little boy.

GOLIATH (angry): At least I didn't die a blind and straggly-haired slave!

SAMSON: Let's not fight, Goliath. Let's focus on the things we can agree on.

GOLIATH: Like what?

SAMSON: You know... there is one thing we both love.

GOLIATH (scratching head): Spears?

SAMSON: Something softer...

GOLIATH (rubbing chin): Swords?

SAMSON: Smoother...

GOLIATH (holding up his shield arm): Shields?

SAMSON: Narrower...

GOLIATH: Oh! I know!

SAMSON AND GOLIATH: Philistine women!

(Laughter)

(Cue Music and Credits as Samson and Goliath slap each other on the back in a good-natured way.)

Women In Ministry

Here's a conversation with my five-year-old daughter. I almost called this post "Out of the Mouth of Babes: Women in Ministry" but thought that people might get confused and think I meant "Babes" as a pun*.

A: What are you reading, Dad?

Me: It's called Two Views on Women In Ministry. It's for one of my classes.

A: What's it about?

Me: Some people disagree about what jobs women are allowed to have at church. In this book different people share about what they think is allowed.

A: Why don't they just ask their pastors?

* As you all know, I hate puns. I suppose if you cut off the entire left side of every pun they would be all right.

The Sort of Thing Krista and I Talk About When We're Out on a Date (paraphrased)

Krista: Back when there weren't a lot of people living there, I bet the [San Francisco] Bay Area was a nicer place to live than here [Portland, OR].

Me: On the other hand there was a lot more to eat here.

Krista: I don't know. I'm sure there was plenty of food in the Bay Area, too.

Me: You know, the Native Americans near Mount Diablo lived on acorns.

Krista: I wasn't talking about back when there was nothing. I'm talking about something more like thirty years ago.

Me: Oh. I guess there would have been restaurants then.

Krista: The Natives in the Bay Area lived on boiled bark and acorn mash. The Natives here lived on salmon and berries.

Me: Yeah. It would have been better to live up here.

In retrospect, the man in the middle of the road with a chainsaw might have been an omen of bad things to come

Last night The Omnivore picked me up in his Bio-Diesel powered Suburban and we headed off to Portland to pick up his couch, which had been sleeping over at a friend's house. As we entered the highway, there was a truck stopped on the farthest right lane of the road, and then, lying a few feet away from the truck, a chainsaw. The man from the truck picked up the chainsaw as we moved into another lane and passed him. We made several jokes about not stopping for hitchhikers with chainsaws.

We've both been reading Cormac McCarthy's novel "The Road" this week... I just finished and the Omnivore is about fifty pages from the end. It's the story of a father and son walking through a shattered earth after what appears to be nuclear winter sets in. It's spare, disturbing, full of a strange sort of hope and great reading. We talked about that for a while. There are a lot of scenes of pushing your cart along abandoned highways. Many of the events of our evening would remind us of The Road.

We picked up the couch, which was longer than the Suburban. It's a couch that's big enough to fit a man, his wife and five children comfortably, with room to grow. Which means it has to be moved in and out of houses that have no corners.

Anyway, we got the couch moved in to their new place, packed up his wife and kids and they went to drop me off again in Vancouver. We drove down 84 west for a couple of miles and then stopped. The traffic wasn't moving at all. A fire truck and ambulance came zipping by on the shoulder. An hour passed and still no movement. A few people got out of their cars and hiked ahead to see what was going on. After a long, long, time a soccer coach came running back along the highway, telling people, "Everyone is turning around." People started to turn their cars around and drive east on the shoulder of the highway. So we turned the Suburban around, only to discover that the eastbound "shoulder lane" was now gridlocked as well. We were in one of those rare situations where the westbound freeway is gridlocked going both west and east.

Eventually things cleared up and we managed to get off the highway. A cop had blocked a highway entrance so we could exit the highway.

Our thirty minute drive to drop me off became a two-and-a-half hour time of living in a Suburban together.

All in all, it wasn't terrible. I learned some new games for the car, and we told a lot of terrible jokes. And how often do you see a man with a chainsaw on the highway and then get to drive down a highway the wrong direction? For me, it was a once in a lifetime event.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Chuck Norris

Yesterday I was introduced to Chuck Norris Facts. Here are a few of the important facts below. Don't laugh or Chuck Norris' fist will come out through your computer screen and sock you in the nose.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Summer Is Here

Jon Foreman's Summer EP released this week, the fourth of his seasonal EPs.

I've only had a chance to listen to it a couple of times at this point, but overall I like it, and a couple of songs are great. I particularly like "A Mirror is Harder to Hold." So many of the songs on the other EPs seemed to be about dysfunction and loss in relationships, it's nice to have one that is about trying to keep it together. And I like the almost mariachi style music. It's a fun song.

You can hear clips from the song for free at the link above, and can buy the album there or on iTunes.

Other things I like about summer: The sparrows fighting at the bird feeder, the flowers in bloom, the trees adding inches every few days, the way the sky wears every blue it can find with darker shades all the way past ten.

Jon Foreman's "A Mirror Is Harder to Hold" (lyrics)

A Mirror Is Harder to Hold

You could stay a while longer

We could stay up and talk about last summer

We could go down to the water, watch the sunset goin’ under

Its not that I’m a stranger to lonely moments

I’ve had my share of those

Please don’t go please don’t leave me alone

A mirror is so much harder to hold

I could try to point a finger

But the glass points in my direction

Sure you’ve got your sharp edges but my wounds are from my own reflection

You’ve got nothing I could ever hold against you

Ive got fatal flaws to call my own

Please don’t go, please don’t leave me alone

A mirror’s so much harder to hold

I met a man who was looking for perfection

Said he’d never met a girl who was good enough

His eyes are getting old like they’d love to love again

Such a lonely man

Such a lonely man

I see him in my reflection taking steps toward me these days

So I hold you that much closer and pray we don’t throw this away

It’s not that I’m a man who couldn’t love you

I know what these arms are for

Please don’t go please don’t leave me alone

A mirror’s so much harder to hold

A mirror’s so much harder to hold

Please don’t go please, don’t leave me cold

A mirror’s so much harder to hold

Further Evidence: Best. Wife. Ever.

As if we need more evidence:

1) Last night, Krista watched The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters with me. It's a documentary about two guys battling it out to see who can have the world's highest score in Donkey Kong. Not her first choice in movie.

2) Krista is going to be out of town next week, and she suggested that I eat "tater tots with melted cheese and salsa on top" all week. Great idea!

Best. Wife. Ever.

Krista came home today from an outing with the kids and brought me home a BOOK! For no reason other than she was thinking of me.

Books are my "love language" (although most people don't include this on official love language lists, the fact remains).

Especially when it is a book like this one.

You know this is a good book because I can flip it open randomly and find lines like these:

"Acid in the face is no fun."

"Can it, for God's sake, Johnny. You're not a punk yet."

"Listen, you cheap grifter! Keep your paws down, see! Tinhorns are dust to me! Dangle!"

The book: Raymond Chandler's "Pickup On Noon Street." I can't find an image of the cover online, so guess I'll have to scan it in for you later.

80 bucks worth of Karma

Last night I bought milk at the grocery store, used my ATM card and asked for forty bucks out of the till. The kid bagged my milk and handed me two bills, a twenty and a hundred.

I handed back the hundred and said, "I think you gave me too much."

"WHOA! That's awesome, man. Awesome. Thanks for doing that. Wow. Awesome." He then said something unintelligible about one of his fellow employees not putting money into the cash register correctly.

Then he looked at me and said, "You've got some good karma coming your way."

So I guess I have eighty bucks worth of good karma "coming my way." The check's in the mail. And I didn't even do a *good* thing, I just didn't do an evil thing.

So what can you get for eighty bucks worth of karma? And who writes the checks? For the record, Karma, I don't believe in you... don't know if you're as spiteful as Santa Claus and will therefore not fill my stockings with oranges, but I've heard you're just some mechanistic force, so if you exist feel free to make the check payable to MATT MIKALATOS. You can email me for the address.

Well-Suited

Here's a picture of me and Krista at the wedding of our friends, Joe and Shannon. It was a great wedding, and thoroughly enjoyable.

I wore a suit.

Which caused a lot of commotion everywhere we went.

At church a gentleman approached me and said, "So, do you just dress 'down' when you preach?" I didn't wear a suit last week.

Krista had pointed this out as well. The guy sitting next to me in church asked about it, too.

A couple of people at the wedding said they hadn't recognized me because I was in a suit.

So I thought I should post this picture here so that you, my friends, could see what I look like in a suit so that you will recognize me should I happen to wear one sometime in the future.

I would also like to say that my wife and I are well suited for one another. And that Joe and Shannon are also well suited to one another.

And here is a picture that you can go see, where the gravity of my enormous head causes Joe Smith to spiral out of control. He tries to escape my gravity... but he can't!

Krista has posted more pictures of the blessed day at her blog.

Eavesdropping With Matt (episode twenty)

Dedicated to the little girl at the grocery store, sitting in the cart and talking to her mom.

Little Girl: Mom, when I get married, will I be beautiful?

I just want to say, kid, that you're beautiful already. And I hope your mom told you the same exact thing as the cart rumbled out of my earshot.

Rad Street Art

I found this while looking for pictures for my newsletter.

Sort of makes you wish you got my newsletter, doesn't it?

Family Miscommunication

Last night as I was in the kids' room telling them bedtime stories, Z suddenly leapt up and shouted "MY POOP IS COMING OUT!" and ran out of the room. I shouted encouragement to her to go into the bathroom. She doesn't really need that sort of direction any longer, but I am always glad to offer it, and will probably continue to do so until she turns 25 and finds a husband who can give her an occasional unnecessary verbal direction.

I told A, "Your sister really waits to the last minute, doesn't she?"

After a minute I started to wonder what had happened to her, as I thought I heard strange sobbing noises. I walked to the kids' bathroom, but she wasn't there. Well, I thought, I suppose she might have gone to my bathroom... which shows she is thinking ahead, but not really being thoughtful.

But she wasn't there either.

So I went downstairs, where I could definitely hear sobbing, to discover her standing in front of Krista, who had a bloody paper towel in one hand. Z had actually shouted, "MY TOOTH IS COMING OUT!" Which made more sense.

The tooth has yet to come out. Z won't let me touch it. She seemed to think the miscommunication was funny, and we all had a good laugh. It's easy to forget how hard it is to talk with only half the teeth a grownup has.

News From My Neighborhood

Make New Friends. A pair of yellow warblers has moved into our maple tree. They have a lovely nest all settled in the higher branches, and, I trust, some tiny little eggs. Of course we will update you. The maple tree, by the way, is one that I planted when we first moved in, and it has at least doubled in height. It's certainly my favorite tree (please don't tell the other trees in our yard). It's beautiful in every season, grows quickly, casts a cool and pleasant shadow, and I like to go outside and project upon it all the Good Feelings I can muster.

And Keep the Old. The youngest Ukranian girl next door has been coming over pretty much every day to hang out with A and Z. She's rapidly becoming a family favorite as she entertains the girls and is a pleasant young lady. Krista was invited into the neighbor's house for tea today as a result, somehow, of the deeper relationship between our kids. Nice to be making a deeper connection. Of course I forgot the Mother's name today (I called her "Nadia"). Krista laughed and told me that I was making a mistake in assuming that every Slavic woman was named Nadia.

One Is Silver. If you recall the silver car that kept getting marked by the police... well, that roommate moved out from across the street, so her car is gone now.

And the Other is Gold. I don't really have anything to say about gold. Um. Hmmmm. The compost pile has a giant weed with yellow flowers growing over the top of it. But I wouldn't call that news, precisely.

Now we're on the National Review website

Here's the link.

For those of you stopping by for the first time... well, we're not really a poetry website. And Michelle won the contest to become Poet Laureate, but it wasn't via voting. I gave her the unofficial title because the people of Arizona don't have an official poet laureate, so I took the authority upon myself.

Fox News Covers the Burning Hearts Revolution

Fox News wrote an article referencing BHR this morning.

Apparently someone in Tennessee asked John McCain if he could name the Poet Laureate of Arizona. But, as Fox News rightly points out, the only Poet Laureate of Arizona is the one that we crowned here at BHR during the First Annual Poet Laureate contest. You may remember Michelle Lawrence. And you may remember the contest, where we "unofficially" awarded poets laureate to each state of the union which lacked laureates.

Which just goes to show you that reading BHR prepares you to be a better presidential candidate.

I'll send a note to the McCain Campaign to see if they would like to make a comment.

In the meantime, here's a reminder of the winners of the contest, and links to their poems and bios:

Arizona: Michelle Lawrence Down Reflection
Massachusetts: Eva Ting Open Casket
Missouri: Rob E You Must Be Misstaken
New Jersey: Jill James Puberty
New Mexico: Kasey Martin Spun
Ohio: T.M. Baird The Flock
Pennsylvania: Adam Struble What Crazed Eyes Have Already Seen
Washington: Alexis Youngs I Used to Love My State of Origin But Now I Have My Doubts

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that Washington now has an official poet laureate. Sorry, Alexis. But I suppose you can still be the unofficial one. You may recall the time that I sent Governor Gregoire an email telling her about our silly little contest. She never responded to my email. I guess she was too busy getting an official laureate. Hee hee heeeeee!

A link to my latest talk

I enjoyed my time preaching at Village this weekend. I love talking about God's word with people.

Here's a link to download the talk: A Divine Invitation.

And, in case you missed it, here's the talk I gave at Village just after Easter: Hope for a Dying World.

His year inside radical Islam

Today after church I went on a lovely walk with my wife and then finished reading the book My Year Inside Radical Islam by Daveed Gartenstein-Ross.

Daveed's story is fascinating and well written. He walks through his own history, going from a young man interested in social justice to a Muslim of the most conservative kind over the course of about a year. As he gets deeper into Islam he finds himself working for an organization that is (unbeknownst to him) funneling money to terrorists.

I won't give away more than that, but I was particularly intrigued by Gartenstein-Ross' description of what it's like to be an American college student looking for answers about who God is and how one can know him.

Pick up a copy, you'll enjoy reading it, I think.

Apparently Charles Schulz knew my children

speaking this weekend

I get to speak at our church again this weekend, which is great. This came about because our pastor had to change his travel plans to Lebanon at the last minute because Hezbollah shut down the airport in Beirut (click on the link to see some updates from his time in Beirut).

So Pastor John called me and asked if I would share something one week while he was in Lebanon, specifically talking about following Christ, expecting big things from him, stepping out in faith and believing the impossible, all that sort of thing. Which is, you know, my favorite sort of things to talk about. My "life message" I guess you would call it.

I'm teaching essentially the same thing I taught last summer at the Stint Briefing... a message about when Jesus came to Simon and the other fishermen and said "Follow Me." Although I think I'm leaving out the funny comic book story from the intro, even though it's hilarious. Not sure it would go over as well with the 8:15 and 9:45 crowds.

I never used to do the same talks more than once. I've given this one a lot now. I remember I was praying once about this not too long ago, just telling the Lord I felt weird doing the same talk, and was that okay and I felt that the Holy Spirit said to me, "What if I have you do this talk the rest of your life? Could you do that?" Oh, yeah. I would be thrilled to do it. I love talking about this--the beauty of Christ, the reason people have desired to follow him, the amazing challenges and unexpected blessings of following Christ--I would talk about it every day for the rest of my life if Jesus just provides the audience and the Spirit empowerment.

And if Jesus doesn't provide the audience I suppose I could go all "Saint Francis" and preach to the birds and animals. Ha ha. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten that I have thoughts to share with you all about St. Francis... it just takes me longer to write my serious thoughts out.

And in closing... if you want to come hang out tonight or tomorrow at our church and see me pretending to be a pastor for a couple of hours, you're very welcome to join us. I'll put a link up when the talk is available online.

Human Tetris now casting for the American version

Remember those funny videos a few posts back? And the Japanese game "human tetris"?

Well, Fox is going to have an American version called "Hole in the Wall." And they need teams of three to try out. It says they are looking for Americans of all shapes and sizes.

Here's the information.

If somebody would go represent BHR I would really appreciate it.

Robot Monkeys... ATTACK!

Scientists announced today a groundbreaking experiment which allows a monkey to control a robotic arm via its own brain signals (see video).

"It's disappointing, really," said Stuart Smith, a well-known monkey prosthetic watcher. "It means we're still years away from the first working models of robotic armor for monkeys, and the enormous amount of equipment necessary means that we may still be decades away from the pinnacle of scientific achievement... flying monkeys."

Animal Behaviourist Cynthia Garamond echoed Smith's disappointment, saying, "I can't believe they are coaxing the animal to obey their commands using marshmallows. That monkey will never do their bidding now. It's completely spoiled."

In other news, Matt Mikalatos would like to ask the scientific community, "Where is my flying car? It is the 21st century, and I think I deserve one."

Get the Lead Out

An interesting article here about increased violent crime among people exposed to lead as children. In fact, they can chart the decrease in crime connected to when states made the transition from leaded to unleaded gasoline.

I stabbed myself with a lead pencil as a child, right in the thigh.

In high school, when California made the transition to unleaded gasoline, I had to buy lead supplements so that my Chevy Nova could keep running.

But if anyone said I became violent because of those two things... well, I'd poke them right in the eye.

Underwater Bunnies

When I was in college, in my oceanography class, my professor showed us this science video that opened with a scene of a rabbit breathing underwater. It was sitting there in a tank, and bits of carrots were floating around and the rabbit was nibbling at bits as they came by. It was really weird and cool.

I was telling a bunch of my friends about this--yes, that means I was telling SOME OF YOU WHO ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW about it-- and they mocked me. Mocked me!

I decided that a video of such astounding bizarreness should be on YouTube, so I looked it up as my friends watched on. Only to discover... nothing quite like what I was looking for. Which just goes to show you that you can't rely on the internet for everything. The mocking had to increase slightly at this point, and soon all you had to say for a laugh was "underwater bunny" and everyone fell into peals of laughter.

Like this:

Person A: Would you get me a glass of water?

Person B: Do you want a bunny in it?

I would like, however, to point out this gentleman. Here's a picture from one of his most famous experiments, which involved "liquid breathing" and mice. If you look at the abstract of Clark's report on this in Science magazine, you can see that he also experimented on cats.

Notice that the mouse is in the liquid in the picture at left. Yes, he is alive and breathing. And there are goldfish swimming in the fluid above him.

Not quite as good as a video of a liquid breathing rabbit, but I think we are on the right track here, wouldn't you agree?

P.S. If anyone knows where I can find a good video clip of, say, a rabbit practicing liquid breathing, please send me a link. Heh.

I Believe In Spiracles

I know many of you have been wondering, "How do insects breathe? I mean, they don't even have lungs."

That's why we are proud to present the BHR word of the day: spiracles. Believe me, you will want to know about these if you don't already.

Why Everyone Loves Japan

Krista put this picture up on her blog, which is me and a bunch of our friends watching "human tetris":



Later that night Ken and Sarah introduced us to the wonderful world of Japanese pranks which included this one, which caused me to laugh so hard that I was in pain (may not be appropriate for work or if you have young kids looking over your shoulder):



And lastly, for fans of the Office, here's the "original" Japanese version (about as appropriate as an episode of the Office):



So, there you have it. Japan is great! Yay!

Behind the times... but catching up

Our good friend Ken is here visiting this week. This is great, because we love Ken and he brings many advantages with him in addition to his excellent company. One of which is that he is teaching me that there are many websites that I don't know about (but should). I thought I would pass along some of these to all of you, who probably already know about them and use them often:

1) Check out Hulu. Hulu is an online collection of free t.v. shows and movies that do things the old fashioned way: pay for themselves by having commercials. There's a pretty good collection of shows including News Radio, 30 Rock, the Office, Monk and Battlestar Galactica (old and new).

2) Pandora. Pandora is an online radio station that lets you pick favorite artists, and then it plays music from those artists and artists like them. It also lets you give feedback on which songs you like so it can tailor the site more closely to your taste. Just be sure not to open "the box" as it will release death and suffering into the world. Just kidding.

3) Jott. With Jott you can make a phone call, leave a message, and the website will send an email or text message to the people you choose. Ken points out that I will never have to type in an "Eavesdropping With Matt" episode ever again, I can just hold my phone out and record people.

Escapism

Walking Z to school today, we chatted about the weather.

Z: Do you think it will get hotter than it was last week, when it was SO HOT?

Me: Yes.

Z: It was so hot that day that G [Z's best friend] and I couldn't even run at recess. We just sat under a tree in the shade.

Me: Did you just sit there and talk?

Z: Yes.

Me: What did you talk about?

Z: We talked about how cold it would have to be for it to snow enough that school would be cancelled. Then the trees would be white, and the sidewalk, and the fields. And then G said, "That's not going to happen, it's way too hot today." And I said, "You never know, Nature is a mystery."

Free comic in my mailbox

Longtime readers already know that I used to work at Flying Colors Comics. In honor of Flying Colors' 20th anniversary, Joe Field (owner of Flying Colors) put together a comic of his own. Today in my mailbox I discovered a copy of that comic, along with a nice note from Libby (Joe's wife). Thanks, Joe and Libby!

Two of my buddies, Adrian and Chris, did the art for one of the stories. The first link is their shared blog, the second is Chris' art blog. Well done, guys.

News from My Neighborhood

Neighborhood Watch. Across the street from us (to the north) there is a house full of people. A guy bought the house for himself and his girlfriend and rents out rooms to all his buddies. They love to fix cars, so they often have a fleet of vehicles jammed around their house, our house and any other house that might come too near. Yesterday the sheriff came and knocked on their door for a long time, but no one answered. Then he went and wrote on the windows of one of their cars with a grease pen (or whatever they write on windows with) and marked the car to be towed because it hadn't been moved recently. Today they moved the car. What they don't know is that the house directly west of us is the one calling them in to the cops. And this is not the first time they've done it!

UPDATE: Krista read this report and wanted to make it clear that the sheriff is not the one who marked the neighbor's car. The reason for his visit remains a mystery.

Beautiful Ukranian Women. When we moved into our house, the Ukranian family next door had three little girls. Now they have one little girl and two teenage women living with them. The transformation came pretty suddenly, it seems like, and with that transformation came a sudden influx of teenaged boys hanging around the house like flies. This weekend I was working in our garden, and the girls were working in their garden, and a teenage boy from their school came over to help in the garden. I overheard this conversation over the fence:

Teenaged Boy: I weeded this whole section by pulling one giant weed!

Ukranian Girl V: Did your mom force you to come over and help us with the yardwork?

Teenaged Boy: Um, no. I wanted to come over. I -- uh -- I just like to pull weeds.

Sure you do, friend, sure you do.

Mohammed and the Mormons

As Elders M and J and I wandered through various topics, they told me (again) about the uniqueness of Joseph Smith's angelic visitations and the receiving of the Book of Mormon. We talked a little bit about the faith necessary to believe this, since there's really no physical evidence for any of this having happened.

Me: So, how do you deal with this with other people who claim to have seen similar things. For instance, I find the enormous similarities between the birth of Islam and the birth of Mormonism somewhat troubling.

Elder J: I'm not really familiar with Islam.

Me: Well, you have Mohammed, a pretty religious guy off in a cave, whereas Joseph Smith was in, what, the wilderness or something?

Elder J: A grove of trees.

Me: Right. And an angel appears with a vision of a purified religion, just like Joseph Smith. Then Mohammed dictates the new scripture, he was actually illiterate I think, and Joseph Smith -- okay, I know he's meant to be translating but he dictates the translation of the new scripture. And then both the Koran and the Book of Mormon are taken up to heaven.

Elder J: I see what you're saying. And we would say, yes, Mohammed is a prophet, too.

Me: !!!!

Elder J: We see this pattern that after Christ, about every 600 years God sends a prophet. Mohammed was one of those. Joseph Smith also came at the end of one of those 600 years.

Me: I am amazed that you would say this. What do you mean when you say he was a prophet?

Elder J: The he was a sort of spiritual genius, given insight by the Holy Ghost about spiritual things.

Me: I... uh. Hmmm. I have a real problem with this. I think this makes God seem a bit schizophrenic. I mean every six hundred years he's giving humanity an entirely different system for interacting with him? The theology of Mormonism and Islam are vastly different, and I don't see how you can claim they are both prophets.

Elder M: In the end we are all backed up against the wall of faith. What you need to do is pray and ask the Holy Ghost whether the Book of Mormon is true.

The Return of Elders J and M

I have more to share, but here's what I have time to type in this morning. While out walking with Elders M and J we passed some guys who stopped to shake hands and say hello. Apparently they are mormons from another ward. They exchanged names, blessings and names of people they thought the other should know. We walked away and continued our conversation.

Me: You're going to have to kill me now. I saw you give those guys the secret handshake.

Elder M: I -- the what? -- there, uh... we don't have a secret handshake.

Me: Ha ha! I'm just messing with you. Relax.

Elder M: We don't have a secret handshake.

Me: I know. I was messing with you.

Elder J: We wouldn't do it in public, anyway. Ha ha!

Survey Results

Well, the results are in. Actually, they've been in for a while. I asked for your input and advice about why you come to BHR. I hate it when people manipulate surveys, and I want you to know that we will use the scientific results of this survey in the most logical and linear manner possible.

Let's take a look at the results, shall we?

A full 69% of you said you read BHR because "This one time I was reading it and I laughed so hard that milk came out my nose and sprayed all over my computer." This means that the vast majority of you read this because either you love laughing, or love giving your computer an occasional nostil milk bath. We are looking into some marketing possibilities with this in mind, like handkerchiefs with the BHR logo on them.

Coming in at 23% is a population of people who are apparently being held captive by monkeys and--rather than answering the survey--selfishly decided to call attention to their plight. This is just what we would expect from people ignorant enough to be captured by monkeys. I am sorry the monkeys are forcing you to read this. BAD MONKEYS! STOP THAT!

6% of you are coming for the deep ministry insights. Um. Sorry about that. We'll try to have more of that. 9% are coming because there aren't deep ministry insights. We'll do our best to keep that up.

2% of you read BHR because it's slightly less boring than standing in line at the DMV. I would just add, it's also slightly less productive.

Thank you to all of you who participated in the survey. I'll do my best to continue to bring you precisely what you, the adoring public, demand.

The 14th Best Novel

Tonight I finished the novel I, Claudius by Robert Graves.

I came across it because I was looking at the Modern Library's list of the 100 best novels. I was skeptical about the list because I've read some of the top novels and disliked them. Joyce's Ulysses, for instance, is at the top at the list, whereas I would scarcely call it a novel. As near as I can tell Joyce wanted to insult all the literary critics and did so by writing Ulysses and basically flipping them the bird. Which the critics loved and have spent many years fawning over his memory since then.

Fitzgerald's Gatsby is inexplicably number two. It's a fine novel, absolutely. But it ain't the second best novel of all time.

Anyway, I thought I would give the list a chance by trying a novel from it, and I chose I, Claudius.

And I am very pleased. It's a great novel. It's the story of Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus (called Claudius), a crippled, stuttering member of Rome's royal family who survives several increasingly evil emperors to ascend to the throne himself. Part history, part family epic, part philosophical exploration of History and historians, it's well written, profound and fun to read. I love the way that Graves paints the reality of a culture that deifies its ruler.

A great book always sends me searching for everything else the author has written. And yes, I'm planning to dig up all of Graves' books in the near future.

As for The List, I think I'll give it another shot. Apparently there are some great novels mixed in with the pretentious schlock. Oh, and by the way, if you go to look at the "reader's list" (the Modern Library allowed the commoners to vote on their favorites) be prepared for a lot of partisan nonsense sent in by drunken internet societies. For instance, the followers of Ayn Rand voted her novels to the top, immediately followed by L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth, courtesy of the Scientologists.

Lastly, I don't care what anyone says, East of Eden is a better novel than the Grapes of Wrath and ought to be on the top 100 list for sure.

Hot Off the Presses

The May/June issue of Discipleship Journal hit the stands this month. I have a modest article in the back talking about a tool for starting spiritual conversations called Soularium.

This is my first article in a magazine that people have heard about*, so I'm pretty stoked about that. And I think it's a solid article that-- if it encourages people to have spiritual conversations-- has a chance to do a lot of good.

*Okay, people have heard of the Wittenburg Door also, but you have to know the secret handshake to get them to admit it.

News From My Neighborhood

The cat next door had her kittens. Three of them. My daughter A reports that one is black and one is black and white and one is hiding.

Chalk + Sidewalk = Love. While I was doing yardwork out front, my kids left their sidewalk chalk sitting out. Two junior high girls (Rosa and Jennifer) wandered by with Jennifer's little brother, David. Jennifer immediately grabbed some chalk and wrote "Jennifer loves Jimmy" (I am making up some names here, people). Rosa followed suit. Then David wrote "Rosa sucks" and tried to get Rosa and Jennifer to come back to see what he wrote. He ran down the street after them. As soon as he was a block away I quickly scribbled out the word "sucks" and wrote "David loves" above Rosa's name. As I packed up the chalk and moved into the house I could still hear him shouting, "ROSA! Come look what I wrote on the sidewalk!"

One more chalk related incident. Elders J and M dropped by (while I was doing yardwork... it was a busy day) to set up another appointment. My daughter A wandered out and started chalking and before they left (she came up to me and said, "where did you find these guys, anyway, dad?") they stooped down to chalk for a bit with A, which was sweet. Elder M drew a funny cat in blue chalk. A asked them to write their names, and thinking that I might learn their first names I stopped to watch them. But no, they chalked "Elder J" and "Elder M". I laughed about that. I'm planning to find some kids chalking in some other neighborhood and ask if I can chalk "Regional Director Mikalatos" and a picture of a stick animal.

Signed,

Old Man Mikalatos

What I'm Reading

Why am I still up? Because I'm reading for my theology class.

In addition to some systematic theology, I'm spending some time reading Graham Cole's "He Who Gives Life" which is interesting, Dever's "Nine Marks of a Healthy Church" which is (at least) easy to read. The best book we have to read for the class is Timothy Tennent's Theology in the Context of World Christianity, which examines western theological biases and blind spots by exploring systematic theological contributions from eastern and "southern" (Latin America and Africa) theologians. It's ridiculously fascinating and insightful.

I was disturbed to discover upon looking up the link for Tennent's book that he is, apparently, only twelve years old. Behold! Here is his picture:

I would prefer that a man of his insight and accomplishments look like this:

Note to self: Medals are classy. Buy some!

The Three Little Ponies (by Z)

Here's a little Mother's Day story Z wrote for Krista:

Once there were three little ponies. Their mother said, "Go out into the world and build your own houses. But watch out for the big bad wolf."

"We will," all three said.

The first pony built her house of straw and sticks. Not too long after, the wolf huffed and he puffed and blew the house down. The first little pony ran to her sister's house. The second pony's house was made of iron and bricks.

The wolf grabbed an iron cutter and cut down the walls. The two ponies ran to the third pony's house. It was made out of flowers. She made some water for her sisters.

The wolf died.

The end.

How people and bees are different.

Working in the garden the other day, A told me how frightened she was of bees.

Me: Bees don't want to sting you. You know, if they sting you they'll die, so they won't sting you unless they have to.

A: Hmmm. So bees dies when they sting. That's different than people. We die if we hurt a lot or if we get hit with a machine gun.

A story by A: Rac-Penguin-Polar Bear

The kids were in child care this Monday through Wednesday, hanging out with the other kids from our work and playing capture the flag and having a great time of it. One of the activities involved getting stickers of various animals on a paper and then dictating stories or commentary on the pictures. Here is what A came up with for each animal:

Giraffes have long necks. They can almost reach the sky.

Raccoons can almost fly to trees and they have striped tails.


Penguins live on the Ice Age. They waddle everywhere they go. They are slow walkers.


Polar bears have stripes of white and black. That's all I really know about it.


Jaguars have spots everywhere.

The End.

A Story by Z: The Seven Friends

Here's Z's story, same basic exercise as A's:

Once upon a time there was a little frog that was red and yellow. One day she said, "I need a friend." So she went out of her coral reef home and swam up to the surface to find a friend.

Since she was in Africa she saw a jaguar. It said, "Do you want to be my friend?" She answered, "Yes!" So they played and played. But then one day they said, "Playing by ourselves is no fun." So they said, "Let's go find a friend." They looked and looked. But they couldn't find anyone in Africa.

So they had to go to Portland. There they found a wolf. She said, "I'm lonely. Will you be my friend?" They both answered, "YES!"

Just then a small tree frog began to look for food. She asked if they could be her friend. They answered, "Yes." Then they saw a white wolf. She said, "I'll be your friend, too."

Then they accidentally made a wrong turn and went back to Africa. They saw a sleeping lion. They were all not scared except for the little green red-eyed frog. She was afraid. She was not poisonous. She was not a meat-eater. She was the perfect snack for a lion. But the lion asked, "Can I be your friend, too?"

And they all answered, "Yes." Then they all went to the desert. And then they met a camel. She said, "I will be your friend, too."

They all had seven friends. They were all happy and didn't need any more friends.

The End.

Don't fret O Faithful Readers

Many of you have sent your concerns about my health. Three days without a post? Unthinkable! Did you trip over a discarded toy and break your hip? Are you inching, even now, toward the phone? Many of you called to wish me a speedy recovery.

But that was not the case, no. I was, in fact, at a staff conference for my fellow employees at Sun River. I shall share more about this tomorrow.

Also on the "to share" list:

1) Stories from my children
2) St. Francis quotes taken out of context and why it makes me mad
3) Maybe we'll chat about Iron Man
4) Maybe we'll discuss "RedBox."

Well. Now that you know I'm alive, it's off to bed.

At the risk of this becoming a Switchfoot fansite or something....

Here's Switchfoot's newly released video for "This is Home", a song for the Prince Caspian soundtrack. I like it.

News From My Neighborhood

1) Krista tells me that the neighbor's cat is pregnant. I'm not surprised. I have often seen her hanging out on the corner with shady characters, smoking cigarettes.

2) The ice cream man is back. The tradition among children on our street is to chase after his van and try to get him to stop, especially when you don't have any money. Today I heard his music blaring and one of the Ukranian girls from next door shouted "LET'S CHASE HIM!"

3) You may recall that we "adopted" a cat. I neglected to update you by saying that she never returned after we fed her. Current theory: she was actually a he, and beat feet as soon as he figured out what was happening with the neighbor's cat.

Switchfoot Update (ocean city)

Dan shares some thoughts about last night's Switchfoot concert on his blog.

He also sent this picture of Jon Foreman buying his ice cream, as if to prove that his reporting yesterday was both accurate and timely.

Our Man in Ocean City

BHR's roving reporter, Dan, just called in to report from the Switchfoot concert in Ocean City.



Dan said that while waiting in the concession line he noticed Jon Foreman in line ahead of him, and that he ordered a large chocolate ice cream cone. Dan points out that this was very soon before Foreman was to take the stage. My theory is that this was to get Jon's energy up for the concert. Dan will report back to let us know if, indeed, Jon showed enormous energy during the concert or complained of stomach pains.



More news to come from Dan, but we wanted to make sure to get this Important Bulletin out to you as soon as possible.

And now, for something completely serious

Sometimes I surf around on some ministry blogs and I feel bad about BHR. Maybe I should be sharing deep thoughts about ministry and how it works. And I should change the name of the blog to MISSIONAL TEAMS AND HOW THEY FUNCTION.

I considered hiring some high-powered market researchers to look into this matter. But then I thought, why trust some professionals when I could just look into this matter myself.

So I have included a poll. Behold how it looms above the sidebar, like a judge, like the leader of some vast and faceless tribunal.

Now is your opportunity to let your voice be heard, true believer! Click now and click often.

Sincerely,

Matt

Parental Miscalculation

M daughter A wakes up in the night screaming because of her bookshelf. She says it looks like a wolf that's coming toward her. She knows it's a bookshelf, but still reacts that way. Sometimes I drape a blanket over it. Here's what happened the other night.

A: Dad, the pink blanket fell off the bookshelf.

Me: I'll put this Tinkerbell blanket up now.

A: Maybe it will look like Captain Hook is coming after me!

Me: I don't think so. It's mostly blue.

Z (chiming in from her bed next to A's and not afraid at all, she just wants to make trouble): Now it will look like blue wolves coming after you.

A: There's no such thing as blue wolves.

Z: Maybe they fell into a can of paint. That would be funny.

(Concerned about how she is goading her sister, in a split second I miscalculate and say) Me: I'm sure that those blue wolves would go after Z first because she is laughing at them.

Z (her eyes widening in terror): But maybe they would understand I was laughing because it really was pretty funny.

Me: *Sigh.* Kids. There are no wolves in your bedroom. No blue wolves, no wolves of any kind.

Z: Now I'm scared, too.

New Switchfoot Song

Here's a video of the new Switchfoot song, which they played last week at the Dove Awards. Apparently this song will be appearing on the Prince Caspian soundtrack.

This is why there is a video of Prince Caspian clips running in the background. At one point it looks like Aslan is about to chomp Jon's head off, which is a touch disconcerting. But I like the song.



Via Switchfeed.

Free Comic Book Day

This Saturday is Free Comic Day.

You just walk in and pick up your free comics. It's a great way to get a couple of free reads. Of course the plan (like any addictive substance) is that you'll get hooked and keep coming back for more.

I put a picture of one of the free comics on the side here in case, for instance, you happened to be looking at BHR one day and your son (who is too young to watch Spider-Man) happened to see pictures of Jesus and Spider-Man together and tried to convince you that meant he should be allowed to watch it. Now you can go get this comic FOR FREE and then hand it over.

NOTE TO PARENTS: If you have young kids, I'd suggest you read the comics before giving them to your kids. I personally always liked it when my dad read my comics. Now if I find a good one I let him read it when I'm done.

ANOTHER NOTE: If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area be sure to head over to Flying Colors Comics (my former workplace) to snag your free comics, and be sure to say hello to all my buddies there.

Captain Huggy Face

By far the best cartoon on Saturday mornings is WordGirl. It makes me laugh out loud. It's about the adventures of a super-powered young girl who likes to correct people's vocabulary mistakes and also fight crime with her monkey sidekick, Captain Huggy Face.

At the end of each episode Captain Huggy Face does a dance and my kids stand in front of the television and dance along.

Now it's your turn: