This Fat Kitty exercises by swimming

I've been trying to get in shape lately, which means I've been exercising regularly and trying to eat (slightly) less snack food.

But then there's this cat, who only weighs thirteen pounds, trying to lose weight by swimming. It's a funny sight. Funny enough that the newscaster can't keep it together until the end of the article:



 I just used a laser pointer to exercise our cats. But I guess if I had a kitty life vest I would have considered this.

Wonderful Wednesday: The Cat Map

The London Zoo has created an interactive tool where you can list your cat on a world map. You can click around the world and see where kitties live and what their names are. The names of cats in Eastern Europe are particularly enjoyable. Have fun!

Now we just need a coyote tracker so I can keep my kitties safe.

More Wonderful Wednesday.

Rollin' Safari

I'm in meetings all day today. This should keep you jackals busy:

These were all made for the ITFS festival coming up in April!

I love the Internet a lot because it makes me laugh

I thought this video of a woman talking about cats on a dating site was pretty hilarious. I mean... she loves cats A LOT.



But the Internet can make anything funnier:



I love you, Internet.

Cat Arrested in South America for daring prison break attempt

You may have already heard about the recent incident where a kitty tried to break some people out of prison by packing in some files, a cell phone and so on. This "do it yourself" prison break kit was duct taped onto the cat.

Here's a video of the cat getting strip searched:



If that cat could speak, I'm 95% certain we would hear several of the following comments:

1) PLEASE DON'T USE DUCT TAPE when you put that stuff on me. Please!

2) Everyone keeps saying I can't talk. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I refuse to talk? Because I'm a tough guy? Because I'm not a stool pigeon? HUH? EVER THINK OF THAT?

3) Why do you keep calling me a "white cat"? That's racial profiling, man.

4) I don't understand. This totally worked last time.

I'm not sure what else the cat might say. What do you think?

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star Reviews for Orwell's "Animal Farm"

It's time once again for that old favorite, Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon! This week's one star reviews come for George Orwell's Animal Farm. Animal Farm is a satire, a fairy tale, a farce and a fable all rolled into one, and all aimed at criticizing Stalin. It's a classic in every sense of the word, and thus many kids across the Western world have been forced to read it in English class in high school.

It's the story of a farm where the pigs take over, form a philosophy and build a collective among the other animals. Eventually, the power goes to the pigs' heads and they start acting like humans, lording it over the animals and making a farm environment that is much worse than anything the animals experienced under the humans.

BUT, let's be clear, just because a book is a classic doesn't mean it's safe from ONE STAR REVIEWS! Let's take a look now.

Our first review comes from G. Barnes "Geoff" of Pittsburgh, PA. 

Seriously, this book is way too scary! I gave it to my 10-year-old to read and he was scared because of all the totalitarianism LOL! DO NOT READ!

Hey! Don't read this! Totalitarianism is scary. Read something a little less terrifying, like a Stephen King novel.

Let's see if we can get any more insight into this topic by reading a review by a kid:

This book sucks so bad I couldn't even get through it. I quit reading it before chapter three. I would not recommend this book to anyone you will waste your time and in the end or whenever you throw it away you'll be asking yourself who would write a book with talking animals?

Kid. You have clearly not been paying attention during bedtime. There are approximately a billion books with talking animals.

My favorite reviews often come from "A Customer".... Amazon's equivalent of an anonymous reviewer. Let's see what this anonymous reviewer had to say about Animal Farm: 

This is exactly the kind of book our government wants to force people to read, so they hand it to schools, and try to force us to read it. This book was written by a insane man named George Orwell, who hated society, and displayed that by bashing humanity, and making people look like lower lifeforms than animals. To be honest I think this man is crazy and needs to be locked up.

Well, good news A Customer: Orwell is dead. No need to lock him up. Unless you knew he was dead and thought we should still lock him up, in which case, it shouldn't be too hard to find him. Also, I think it's charming that you think that The Government wants you to read a book about the dangers of government run amuck. 

"Orwell" was his pen name. He really is dead.
No conspiracy theories, please.

Speaking of government. I'm pretty sure this book is the fault of the liberals. Let's see what "LDS MARINE" has to say about that. 

Its is so annoying to see liberals writing books in politics, and i dont care who they attack- Liberals hate everybody else. Stupid guy had to express his feelings and whine about Russia. 

I -- I'm not sure what to say. STUPID LIBERALS WHO ARE AGAINST COMMUNISM! Wow. I think that LDS MARINE is giving us a whole new conception of "conservative."

Come on, liberals are people, too, LDS MARINE. And we ALL love Justin Bieber.

http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com

Just once I'd like to see a review by someone who is well reasoned and intelligent. Perhaps this next one, since it's from someone who has the name "Jedi Smart."

Read something happier like, oh I don't know, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It's amd excellent read, and with the Holidays coming up, everyone wants to feel happy.

Oh, never mind. Anyway, it's a bit confusing since Harry Potter got its own share of one star reviews. 

Hey, if we're not going to get intelligent, well-reasoned reviews, let's just bring the crazy. Maybe Cathy Taurine of Illinois can help:

Did Al Gore direct this? I was just you know, curious because the animals are talking and stuff and they even have like, this hierarchy of power and things don't make sense like that. This is an anti goverment film but all I hear is Total arin ism which gets to be useful when instilled in the drinking water of places like Africa. Well we gave them animals to eat and they just turned them loose in fields and never fed them and they died. This book is co-written I think by Gore and Moore, but who knows I mean anymore you cannot figure out who is who, but I am Cathy and I escaped from Taurine and this is my review of Animal Farm. Oh, and even if you give a pig pickles it will still attack you if it is hungry!

Okay, okay, that was a little too far into crazy town, even for me. 

"FOR THE LAST TIME I DID NOT WRITE ANIMAL FARM!"

Let's take a look at a classic one star review, and definitely my favorite one for Animal Farm. This comes from Claude Rutabega.  Let's see what Claude has to say:

Of all the things I have ever read! What a terrible and unrealistic story. I mean, how can animals talk? I have a parrot that talks but not in complete sentences. And besides the pigs run the show in this and if it really happened the cats would run things because everyone knows that cats are born leaders. Anyway, I wouldn't reccomend this book to my worst enemy. I read this book to my nephew, Simon and he started crying and now he is afraid of pigs and horses because he says that they will rise up and establish a totalitarianist state and will rule over us. Ughhhh! It gives me a head ache.

Ha ha ha. Oh, Claude. You have brought us around again to the main point of this post: Children are afraid of totalitarianism. And don't worry. I am almost certain that if pigs were to rise up and take over the world, kitties would be freedom fighters. THEY WOULD FIND A WAY TO SAVE US!

Well, kids, if you're afraid of totalitarianism and it's keeping you up at night, maybe you need some one star reviews to make you laugh and keep you happy. Here are some here:

One star reviews for:

Where the Wild Things Are

Moby Dick

Romeo and Juliet

The works of Flannery O'Connor

The Fellowship of the Ring

East of Eden

OR, just read them all. I'm not insisting you do this, because this isn't a totalitarianism blog. But if it were, and if you disobeyed me, let's just say you'd be getting a ride in the "veterinary hospital" van.

Kitties as emoticons

Choose your favorite! :O

Raining Cats and Dogs

"Actually, it's just raining dogs. Hallelujah."

This week we had a couple of days of beautiful, sun-drenched hammock weather, followed by a return to the rain. It's like the weather is trying out rough drafts of summer. We even turned the air conditioner one day. Now it's back to raining cats and dogs.

I wondered today where that saying came from, "Raining cats and dogs." The most compelling and well-researched answer said that the saying comes from 17th or 18th century England, where storms occasionally would wash dead animals down the streets along with other debris. That's both interesting and disgusting. Thank you, Historians!

You can see the article I found here, where there is a particularly funny debunking of the theory that animals would fall through thatched roofs when it was raining hard. "Dogs don't live on thatched roofs!" Ha ha ha.

Meanwhile, it's raining candy wrappers and empty water bottles around here.

Introducing the Newest Member of Our Family

We've always promised the kids that they will never have a pet, so long as they live under our roof. Mostly because Krista is allergic and the kids (though they would rather have their teeth pulled out than admit it) are also allergic. But after we briefly cared for a lost kitten this spring, we caved and told the kids they could get a kitty.

So, introducing out new pet, who was supposed to be an outdoor cat but is terrified of the outside and thus is living nights in our garage and being forced to face her terror during the day. Her name (get ready for it)... Her Majesty Princess Amber. I call her "kitty" or sometimes "scaredy cat."

As you can see she lets the baby do whatever she wants with her. In fact, the other day M picked the cat up in a full on WWF stranglehold and the cat immediately started purring. She fits in fine around here.

News from My Neighborhood: Special Tribute Edition

This week our neighbors to the West got a dog.  This by itself would not be news, as many people in our neighborhood have dogs.  HOWEVER, when I asked the youngest nieghbor what happened to all her cats she said, "They're gone."

GONE?

I know that the cats next door lived life to the hilt.  They were several generations of chain-smoking, rough and tumble, sex-starved reprobates.  They ate frogs. They stalked children. They brought fear to the neighborhood.  It seemed inconceivable that they could all be gone.

And yet... as I interrogated the child I discovered that several of the cats had "run away" and that one of the boy cats "had babies and then ran away."  And then I remembered that "ran away" is often a parent-euphamism for "fell asleep in the dryer and I didn't notice" or "thought the engine block would be a warm place to hide." 

In any case, Gemma the cat, her daughter Gemma the cat, Gemma the Second's kitten, Toey, and Toey's little of cats that soon followed are all gone now.  Perhaps they ran away or perhaps, as I was told later in a complete contradiction, she was "sold."  Regardless, an entertaining part of our neighborhood has been removed, and thus we must fondly remember Gemma "Tiger Cat" and her progeny.

Here are a few of the previous reports from the neighborhood which included news related to Gemma and her descendants.

Eavesdropping With Matt (Episode Thirty-Nine: In Which They Bury His Ashes)

Dedicated to the fine gentlemen who frequent the comic book shop near my neighborhood, which is run purely because the owner has a lot of money and wanted a hobby, which is the same business.  I walked in to see if I could find a good comic to take on my business trip (I didn't find one on my limited schedule... maybe because I was busy eavesdropping).

Owner: I picked up his ashes today.

Customer: You had him CREMATED?

Owner: Yeah.  He wanted to bury him in the yard, but I just couldn't do that.

Customer: I have, like, four buried in my yard.

Owner: Yeah, but we have dogs.  They would dig it up.

Customer: So sad. 

Owner: Yeah. He was a good cat.

(long pause)

Customer: One of my co-workers died of a brain tumor yesterday.

Owner: Well, you totally trumped me.

Customer: I wasn't trying to trump you.

Owner: Well, you did.  That's a lot sadder than my cat.

Link It Up

You have been breathlessly waiting, I know, for the February issue of Writer's Digest, which features a brief interview with yours truly. Well, here it is. Also included is a lengthy interview with Sue Grafton.  You can see a longer, different version of my interview here, on Chuck Sambuchino's blog.

Other recent mentions of Imaginary Jesus include this post about Imaginary Jesus versus vampires and a paragraph long review of the book here (spoiler: he likes it!).  Two other reviews from my friends, Andy and Coach. That's right, Coach.  And in case you missed it, check out the short story by Adam Sabados, "Imaginary Road Trip". Part One.  Part Two.

And, yes, I know, many of you are still behind on your Christmas gifts and you would like two things: a link to where you can buy Imaginary Jesus, and instructions on how to wrap a cat.  Well, there you go!

Wonderful Wednesday: Breakdancing Cat

This is wonderful on many, many levels. Please enjoy.

BOLT in 3D

My parents and I took the kids to see BOLT, the new Disney animated movie in THREE DIMENSIONS today.

The last movie I saw in 3-D was Captain Eo.

Bolt is the story of a puppy who lives on a television set and believes he really is a super-dog with super powers. Through a series of events he ends up in the "real world" and has to try to save his owner with only the help of a delusional hamster and a cat "prisoner".

The movie was decent. The kids loved it. Little A cried at one point, she was so sad for Bolt. The television-show within a movie concept was a little confusing for both kids, as were the family situations (the owner had a single mom in "real life" and a single dad in "television life", and then an "agent" in real life who had sort of a paternal interaction with the kid). Overall, though, it was fine. Some good laughs, pleasant, no offensive message.

As for the 3D, it was fun to watch a 3D movie again. The glasses they hand out now are quality. Sometimes the movie distracts with the use of the 3D... "LOOK! The rock at the front of the screen is sticking out while the action goes on behind it"... but actually they were pretty relaxed about it, not a lot of things flying out at you all the time.

But let's be honest, 3D movies are meant to involve either space aliens or enormous monsters attacking things. And the best line from a 3D movie remains, "HOOTER ATE THE MAP!"

A Story by A: The Bunny and the Cat

The Bunny and the Cat

Chapter One: The Bunny Meets the Cat

The man asked his wife, “When will we get a daughter and a pet? Our daughter would have the bunny and we will have the cat.”

One day they had a daughter. They were very happy, but it was only one year old. They wished it was seven. One day it was four years old. They were so happy. Soon after a few years she was seven years old. They were even happier than before, when she was only one. Soon they got the cat and the bunny. “One problem,” the daughter said. “I don’t like bunnies.”

The parents said, “Well, you’ll just have to deal with it.”

CHAPTER TWO: The Daughter Finds She Likes the Bunny

They went to a bunny field one day, when she was eight. The daughter thought is was beautiful and she just really wanted a bunny now. But there was still one problem. They had already run out of all the bunnies. Then she liked one of them so much in the field that the person just did it, he gave it to the girl. She was very very very very very happy.

CHAPTER THREE:

When she got the bunny she named it Strawberry. The mother and the father left to buy a cat. But – oopsie – they had gone to the wrong place, it was too far away. The bunny was very happy she got a carrot. She gave her a carrot and she loved her bunny for a long time.

contingency planning

Z and I had this conversation last night after I tucked her and A into bed.

Z: Dad, what if your eyes never got used to the darkness and when you turned out the lights you couldn't see anything at all?

Me: Use your hands to "see."

Z: What if I was feeling around in the dark and I felt something furry?

Me: You should pet it because it is a cat.

Z: What if it is a wild animal?

Me: You should kick it. Because it is a cat.

Z: What if it is a giant wolf?

Me: Then you are outside. If it is so dark that you can't see except with your hands, just stay inside.

Z: Okay.

Me: Goodnight.

Z: Goodnight.

News from My Neighborhood

Man-Eating Kitten. I've mentioned the neighbor's cat, which stalks human beings like small prey. Lately, she's been getting bolder. Here she is, standing at our back door, daring someone to come out so she can eat them. Behold the hungry look in her eyes!

Underwater Bunnies

When I was in college, in my oceanography class, my professor showed us this science video that opened with a scene of a rabbit breathing underwater. It was sitting there in a tank, and bits of carrots were floating around and the rabbit was nibbling at bits as they came by. It was really weird and cool.

I was telling a bunch of my friends about this--yes, that means I was telling SOME OF YOU WHO ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW about it-- and they mocked me. Mocked me!

I decided that a video of such astounding bizarreness should be on YouTube, so I looked it up as my friends watched on. Only to discover... nothing quite like what I was looking for. Which just goes to show you that you can't rely on the internet for everything. The mocking had to increase slightly at this point, and soon all you had to say for a laugh was "underwater bunny" and everyone fell into peals of laughter.

Like this:

Person A: Would you get me a glass of water?

Person B: Do you want a bunny in it?

I would like, however, to point out this gentleman. Here's a picture from one of his most famous experiments, which involved "liquid breathing" and mice. If you look at the abstract of Clark's report on this in Science magazine, you can see that he also experimented on cats.

Notice that the mouse is in the liquid in the picture at left. Yes, he is alive and breathing. And there are goldfish swimming in the fluid above him.

Not quite as good as a video of a liquid breathing rabbit, but I think we are on the right track here, wouldn't you agree?

P.S. If anyone knows where I can find a good video clip of, say, a rabbit practicing liquid breathing, please send me a link. Heh.

News From My Neighborhood

The cat next door had her kittens. Three of them. My daughter A reports that one is black and one is black and white and one is hiding.

Chalk + Sidewalk = Love. While I was doing yardwork out front, my kids left their sidewalk chalk sitting out. Two junior high girls (Rosa and Jennifer) wandered by with Jennifer's little brother, David. Jennifer immediately grabbed some chalk and wrote "Jennifer loves Jimmy" (I am making up some names here, people). Rosa followed suit. Then David wrote "Rosa sucks" and tried to get Rosa and Jennifer to come back to see what he wrote. He ran down the street after them. As soon as he was a block away I quickly scribbled out the word "sucks" and wrote "David loves" above Rosa's name. As I packed up the chalk and moved into the house I could still hear him shouting, "ROSA! Come look what I wrote on the sidewalk!"

One more chalk related incident. Elders J and M dropped by (while I was doing yardwork... it was a busy day) to set up another appointment. My daughter A wandered out and started chalking and before they left (she came up to me and said, "where did you find these guys, anyway, dad?") they stooped down to chalk for a bit with A, which was sweet. Elder M drew a funny cat in blue chalk. A asked them to write their names, and thinking that I might learn their first names I stopped to watch them. But no, they chalked "Elder J" and "Elder M". I laughed about that. I'm planning to find some kids chalking in some other neighborhood and ask if I can chalk "Regional Director Mikalatos" and a picture of a stick animal.

Signed,

Old Man Mikalatos

News From My Neighborhood

1) Krista tells me that the neighbor's cat is pregnant. I'm not surprised. I have often seen her hanging out on the corner with shady characters, smoking cigarettes.

2) The ice cream man is back. The tradition among children on our street is to chase after his van and try to get him to stop, especially when you don't have any money. Today I heard his music blaring and one of the Ukranian girls from next door shouted "LET'S CHASE HIM!"

3) You may recall that we "adopted" a cat. I neglected to update you by saying that she never returned after we fed her. Current theory: she was actually a he, and beat feet as soon as he figured out what was happening with the neighbor's cat.