What the car you drive reveals about your spirituality

Recent events have prompted me to think deeply about what the vehicle you drive says about your spirituality. This came about from a comment made at the Catlyst Conference (here's an interview with Brad Lomenick, the leader of Catalyst), where influential pastor Mark Driscoll said, "I know who made the environment and he's coming back to burn it all up. So yes, I drive an SUV." 

At first I assumed this comment was a joke designed to enrage the Internet and get some attention, but on further reflection I could see plenty of insightful lessons to be learned by looking at what type of car different Christians drive.

Here are a few insights about your vehicle and your spiritual life:

SUVs: Christians who drive SUVs believe that our current actions are, in the end, fatalistic reflections of the coming "do over" on all creation. They make decisions based on the essential meaningless of good behavior now in the face of the New Creation. This causes comments like Pastor Mark's, "I know who made the environment and he's coming back and going to burn it all up. So yes, I drive an SUV" as well as the popular sentiment, "There is no marriage in heaven, so I'm ignoring my wife now." BIBLE REFERENCE: 2 Peter 3:10

Mid-size cars: Biblical literalists tend to stick to cars like the Ford Fusion or the Toyota Camry, because they take the scriptures seriously. The strictest adherents stick to the mid-sized Honda because, "the disciples were all in one Accord."

BIBLE REFERENCE: Acts 2:1

Mini vans: Pastor Mark has also given us insight into this category, as he went on to say, "If you drive a mini van you're a mini man." Clearly he is referring to Biblical disciples like Zaccheus and the apostle Paul. There wasn't any scriptural backing for this one, but I think we can just take Pastor Mark's word for it. As a six foot, 220 pound man who drives a mini-van, I don't mind being called "mini" every once in a while.

BIBLE REFERENCE: Luke 19:3

Convertibles: Another popular choice with single men who take the Bible literally. Paul said men should not cover their heads, and so devout men everywhere have taken to driving convertibles. This gets complicated when one is driving a woman somewhere, as she is meant to cover her head. Nevertheless, this difficulty must be surmounted by those serious about following the scriptures. Especially popular with men who like to pray and prophesy while driving. 

BIBLE REFERENCE: I Corinthians 11:7

Trucks: Trucks are driven by two types of Christian men: those who believe in God's promise to gift them a good measure of treasure that is heaped up and spilling over, the sort of treasure that won't fit in a little trunk somewhere, and the manly man who thinks that SUVs are for yuppie suburbanites who are afraid to get their hands or vehicles dirty.

BIBLE REFERENCE: Luke 6:38

Subcompacts: Extra iddy biddy men, like the Roman guard who slept on his watch. And Kneehighamiah.

BIBLE REFERENCE: Acts 12:6

Pinning down what God Himself drives is tricky. It's likely that God, being the wealthiest being in the universe, owns many vehicles. We know that Jesus drove a Plymouth, because he drove the money-changers out of the temple in a Fury. We also know for certain that God has both a Pontiac Tempest and a Geo Storm. 

BIBLE REFERENCE: Psalm 83:15

How about you: What do you drive? And what does that say about your spirituality?

An unexpected animal knocking on the front door.

My friend Shasta allowed me to have this video of a squirrel knocking on her front door. There was the sound of strange scrambling on the screen door and this is what could be seen through the peephole:



Strangely, the squirrel did not come in for coffee, as one might expect:

Life of Magnum Pi

My friend Shelby Abbott and I were talking about his mustache the other day and I told him about this idea for a funny short film I had called, "LIFE OF MAGNUM PI." He tweeted it out and Brady Green made this amazing poster for it.

Coming to a theatre near you. Hollywood, our operators are standing by for your phone call offering millions of dollars. I am willing to go as low as two million dollars.

This Fat Kitty exercises by swimming

I've been trying to get in shape lately, which means I've been exercising regularly and trying to eat (slightly) less snack food.

But then there's this cat, who only weighs thirteen pounds, trying to lose weight by swimming. It's a funny sight. Funny enough that the newscaster can't keep it together until the end of the article:



 I just used a laser pointer to exercise our cats. But I guess if I had a kitty life vest I would have considered this.

How Sesame Street is Undermining Biblical Values

I was surprised to see last week's article by Owen Strachan talking about an episode of Sesame Street in which Baby Bear (who is male) plays with a baby doll. Telly the monster tells Baby Bear this is dumb, but resident wise sage Gordon tells him it's okay. Like this:

Baby Bear: It’s a doll 
Gordon: So?!
Baby Bear: So…Gordon…I’m a boy, and dolls are for girls!
Gordon: Says who?

Strachan explains that this is the undermining of Protestant values, because boys shouldn't be taught to play with dolls, and that after this confusing message from Gordon, Baby Bear needs the Gospel.

While I sympathize with Strachan's concern that boys might grow up to be nurturing fathers, both he and Sesame Street are missing the point.

The fact is, Baby Bear should not be playing with baby dolls. He is a bear. And socializing him with humans (let alone human babies) can only bring grief.

I know, you might think I'm overreacting, but the Bible is very clear on the role of bears in human relationships. They are meant to be voracious killing machines. I mean, the ONE COMMAND God gives specifically to bears is to "Arise and devour much flesh." This attempt to anthropomorphize and humanize bears strikes at the heart of everything the gospel teaches about bears.

If Sesame Street hadn't completely capitulated to heretical ursine views, the conversation between Baby Bear and Gordon should have gone something like this:

Baby Bear: It’s a doll.
Gordon: So?!
Baby Bear: So…Gordon…I’m a boy, and dolls are for girls!
Gordon: No, you're not a boy. You're male, but boys are human. You're a male bear cub. Now put that doll down and tear into it with your teeth. That's right, really rip into it. Pull the head off... good! Good bear! Now go for the entrails!

Or, even more correct:

Baby Bear: Grrrr.
Gordon: A baby bear? Here in New York City? I'm calling Animal Control!
Baby Bear: Rawr!
Gordon: Ahhh! Stop with the biting! Ahhhh! Why won't it listen? Is it a boy or a girl bear? Ahhhh! 

I, for one, take this issue seriously in my family and at the organization I head up, The Council on Biblical Interactions Between Humans and Animals.

In fact, because of Teddy Roosevelt's (the Dutch Reformed Episcopalian President) undermining of the scriptural role of bears in the family, I have been training my own children in the godly way to interact with bears. I include a few instructive photos here for all the parents:

One, teach your child that cuddling her teddy bear is not appropriate. Should she come across a real bear, the bears would either smother her when they roll over, or possibly eat her.

And don't get me started on the "rainbow" bear.

Second, kissing bears is right out. They will eat your face off. Do not allow your children to kiss their teddy bears.

Especially don't kiss bears named "Pooh."
There's a reason they're called that.

This is the correct way to play with teddy bears (or any bears at all). Lay on the ground, roll into a ball and play dead. Even if they are leaning in close to your face, about to take a big bite.

This looks easy, but is much harder with real bears.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should one attempt to lift a bear by its hind legs. You will probably get a hernia and/or be swiped by its claws, smashed beneath it, eaten or mauled.

In real life, that paint-spattered bear would be
devouring much flesh, just as God intended.

I've also taught all three of my daughters this helpful proverb: "Never go to a teddy bear picnic because you just might be on the menu."

You can see what others are saying about this conversation in a variety of places:

My friend Caryn Rivadeneira's thoughts.
Some thoughts from a preschool teacher. (ETA: Oops. Kristen is not a preschool teacher. She's a paralegal But it's still a good read.)
Rachel Held Evans has a good post where people from both sides of the question are having a civil conversation on the topic.

There are a bunch more out there, too. No one mentions the bear angle, but that's why you come here... FOR HARD HITTING JOURNALISM THAT ISN'T AFRAID TO CALL IT LIKE IT IS!

Now, in the comments: How are you preparing YOUR children for the coming Bearpocalypse?

Rollin' Safari

I'm in meetings all day today. This should keep you jackals busy:

These were all made for the ITFS festival coming up in April!

The invisible driver at the drive thru prank

I showed this video to my ten year old (A) last night and she immediately asked, "Dad, can we do that?" The answer, my child, is no. Because I'm your father, that's why.



Also, we are not ghosts.

Wonderful Wednesday: Snookles the Baby Dragon

I can't believe I finally found this. I've been looking for it on the internet for years. I first saw it in my short film class in college (1993? 94?) and have always remembered it fondly.

Now it will be burned into your memory. Behold... Snookles the baby dragon!

I love the Internet a lot because it makes me laugh

I thought this video of a woman talking about cats on a dating site was pretty hilarious. I mean... she loves cats A LOT.



But the Internet can make anything funnier:



I love you, Internet.

Cat Arrested in South America for daring prison break attempt

You may have already heard about the recent incident where a kitty tried to break some people out of prison by packing in some files, a cell phone and so on. This "do it yourself" prison break kit was duct taped onto the cat.

Here's a video of the cat getting strip searched:



If that cat could speak, I'm 95% certain we would hear several of the following comments:

1) PLEASE DON'T USE DUCT TAPE when you put that stuff on me. Please!

2) Everyone keeps saying I can't talk. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I refuse to talk? Because I'm a tough guy? Because I'm not a stool pigeon? HUH? EVER THINK OF THAT?

3) Why do you keep calling me a "white cat"? That's racial profiling, man.

4) I don't understand. This totally worked last time.

I'm not sure what else the cat might say. What do you think?

My three year old makes me laugh

In the evening I lay down in bed with my three year old. Lately she has taken to putting her head at the foot of the bed (having moved her pillow there, too... I suppose making it the head of the bed, actually). I lay the other way, with my head on a stuffed owl.

We usually read a book (tonight was Curious George) or sing a song (often Eidelweiss, which I sang EVERY NIGHT to the older girls for many years). M will talk a bit, say things about the days, sometimes says terrifying things about scary creatures (two nights ago she had me close her window shade because she "saw a creeper" out there... a bit of information she delivered with absolute calm). Eventually, just before she goes to sleep, she says, "Good night, Daddy" and I say good night to her and then she sighs and falls asleep.

Tonight, she said, "Good night, Daddy" and I said, "Good night" and she said, "You have to say my name," so I said good night again only this time with her name.

About a minute later she said, "Is it time to go to sleep?"

That was an odd question, and didn't fit our nightly ritual, so I said, "Yes, it is."

Then she laughed and said, "I know, Dad, that was a joke!"

Good one!

And now she's asleep!

My daughter constantly surprises me

My (almost ten year old) daughter, "A", has been having some trouble with one of her friends at school. In fact, this happens pretty much every year. They start and end the year the best of friends, but somewhere in the middle they both drive each other crazy. We talked some about that, and although A was unhappy, I could tell she was thinking deeply about what to do.

Later, she came downstairs from her room and said, "Dad, I've been thinking about the problem with my friend, and I was thinking that perhaps trying diplomacy would be a good idea."

I was, to say the least, surprised by this appeal to diplomacy. I don't know if I looked shocked or not, but she went on to say, "The way diplomacy works is that I would go to her and tell her what I have done wrong, and then tell her what I feel she has done wrong. Then we would try to come to a conclusion that would make both of us happy."

I asked her if she would like to try diplomacy and she said yes. I wanted to ask her if she would teach a seminar on diplomacy for me and some of my adult friends.

I also asked where she learned about diplomacy, and she said from the book Princess Academy by Shannon Hale. So, thank you, Ms. Hale.

She also said that she had checked the school library and couldn't find any more books about diplomacy, a topic she finds very interesting.

I think I just met the future U.S. Diplomat to Chile.

More Christmas hilarity from my three year old daughter

Apparently my three year old had made herself an English muffin the other day. It was not split open and it was not toasted, but it was slathered with peanut butter and jelly across the top. She had taken one bite out of it and then left it sitting out on the counter all day.

I left this for you, Santa.

I asked her: M, are you done with this? Can I throw it away?

M: I don't want it. You can just leave it out for Santa.

Me: No, if you don't want it I'll throw it away.

M: Just leave it there and it will be gone in the morning.

Yes, that's right, kids. Every night when you go to bed, Santa comes and eats everything you leave on your plates. Then he washes your dishes and cleans the kitchen. He's a swell guy that Santa.

My three year old and why she thinks she should get dressed up for Santa

Seems like Santa could get
dressed up a little bit too.

I came home last night and my three-year-old M was all dressed up in a shiny red dress. This is surprising, because usually she likes to wear a t-shirt and underwear and no pants.

I asked her why she was all dressed up, and she said, "For Santa." I asked her why she thought Santa wanted her to be dressed up, and she said, "Because if I dress up he will bring me the presents I want."

Hmmm. I might have to wear nicer clothes tomorrow.

Also, for some reason, M is very focused on what Santa wants her to wear. Also monsters.

My three year old daughter sends her first emails

My three year old was playing with Krista's iPad the other day and then started sending me emails. She has never sent email before, certainly not without help, so here are the three emails she sent me. All of them came with pictures.

Number One. 

V b bc m c.  .  L $ m. .cv l @huh bm'c.    $!3 e?)?$3&?hvkfdncn.   C. X. C. V.  C.  C. Bvbnngngnfnnfnfnngngnvnnnnvbnv@ bdbnnmv vf, nmcnvnvn ,hbbbgtngkrgjgjjkkjjkylykjffhfbdbdvbfdvgdbngbnbfdjfbffnfbfhfhhhhghhghhghhgbnxj. Bd nbmcbnd. N 

Email number two:

Email #3:

Congratulations, kid, on your first three emails! Now they are immortalized forever on the internet.

QUESTION: How about you? Do you remember your first email?

Twilight: the New Moon wolf pack auditions (by 1491)

Nurse Shasta sent me a link to the Native comedy group the 1491s a while back, and I particularly enjoyed this video, a satire about the casting of Natives for the Twilight movies. For those who don't know, there's a tribe of Native Americans (specifically the Quieluete tribe) who are werewolves. In the movie, I mean, not in real life. I mean, they're not werewolves in real life. Anyway, the 1491s made this video and it made me laugh a lot. Since the last of the Twilight movies is out now, I thought I would share it:

 If you're interested in the Native point of view on things, here are three places you should take a look:

1) My friend Mark Charles. And ESPECIALLY if you live in the Washington, D.C. area you should consider attending the Conversation for Reconciliation on December 19th.

2) A great book I read recently is On the Rez by Ian Frazier.

3) You might also enjoy One Church, Many Tribes by Richard Twiss.

My three year old explains why she is afraid of monsters

At six a.m. this morning my three-year-old crawled into bed with me, put her head under the covers and said, "I have to hide from the monsters." She often mentions monsters and never seems particularly bothered by them. In fact, the whole putting her head under the covers was new. Still, she didn't seem particularly upset.

I assured here there were not monsters in our house (note that I used the qualifier "in our house"). I told her, the only people in the house are me, your mom and your sisters.

She pointed out into the darkness of the bedroom and said, "No. There's a monster right there."

I could see just well enough to tell that there was no monster where she was pointing, and I said so.

"I don't like scary monsters," she said. "When they come, they want to get me all dressed up."

"They do?"

"Yes. And I don't like getting dressed up."

Scary monsters. They're the worst.

Halloween Post #4: J.R., Clay and Mikalatos show off their moves

In the final video of our Halloween series today, check out J.R. Forasteros, Clay Morgan and myself dancing like crazy.

My Halloween Costume

Krista and I went to a friend's Halloween party this weekend. We hadn't planned ahead regarding our costumes, though, so we told the kids we were going upstairs to dig through our closets and come up with something.

I needed to come back downstairs for something though, so I came down wearing jeans and my collared shirt completely unbuttoned. And, for those of you who haven't seen me without my shirt on, I am a hairy man.

My eleven-year-old, Z, passed me on the stairs.

Z: What costume is that, dad?

Me: I'm dressed as "guy who didn't button his shirt."

Z: No, really, dad.

(pause)

Z: Are you a werewolf?

Yup, you got it. I'm a werewolf.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Sixty-Three: Red, White and Blue Man Group)

Dedicated to the fine "Sparks" leaders at our local church's AWANA group and to the children who bravely and enthusiastically answer any question that is asked of them.

Everyone (singing): "Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world.

They are precious in His sight.

Leader: Who know what the colors in that song represent?

Child #1: Children with different colors of hair?

Leader: Nooooooo. Anyone else?

Child #2: The flag of the United States of America?

For more Eavesdropping with Matt, steel yourself and click on this link.