Eavesdropping with Matt Episode 69: FIRST CLASS!

Dedicated to the very nice lady who sat next to me on the plane last night.

"Welcome to coach, Mr. Fancy Pillow."

Lady (on the phone): I just switched my first class ticket for a middle seat in Economy so I could get home two hours earlier. Okay. See you tonight.

Lady (to me): Do you know if they bring the hot towels by in this section?

Me: No. No, they do not.

Lady (disappointed): Oh.

Me: There's also no electrical outlet between the seats. And they don't bring any food back here.

Lady: Oh.

Me: There will be a television that will drop out of the ceiling over that man in front of us.

Lady: Well. That's nice. I wonder what movie they will be playing.

More Eavesdropping with Matt.

Eavesdropping with Matt Episode Sixty-Eight ("That's not a Christian book!")

Dedicated to the fine staff at Powell's Books, who were sorting through the books I was selling, trying to decide which ones to purchase. They pulled aside for this whispered conversation.

Staff (to his manager): I know we don't buy much Christian fiction. But what about Christian fiction audio books?

Manager (looking at the audio books): These are not Christian fiction.

Staff: They're not?

Manager: This is Wendell Berry. Everything he writes is excellent. That's not Christian fiction.

Ouch. That hurts. More thoughts on this tomorrow. In the meantime, you can read more Eavesdropping With Matt. 

Eavesdropping With Matt Episode Sixty-Seven (Great Date Conversations)

This episode of Eavesdropping with Matt is dedicated to the old couple out on a date at a local restaurant, who spoke very loudly to one another so I could hear everything they had to say, including when the old lady apparently visited a "gynecologist for women" and "had her blood pressure taken." Here's part of their "getting to know you" conversation.

 

Lady: I'd like to go to confession.

Man: Why? What do you have to confess?

Lady: Plenty.

Man: Like what?

Lady: Oh, you know. I don't go to church as often as I'm able to go to church. But you know what? I'm seventy-one. So maybe I get a pass on that one. And if not... ABSOLVE ME!

More Eavesdropping with Matt.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Sixty-Six: Viva La Old Men)

Dedicated to the two old men who were having lunch together at Burger King yesterday.

Old Man #1: So I go by Mike's house and what do you think I see in his yard?

Old Man #2: I have no idea.

Old Man #1: A bunch of Mexicans. When they saw me they ran and jumped over the fence. Because they were about to break into Mike's house.

Old Man #2: You don't know that. Maybe you just scared them.

Old Man #1: Oh yeah? What do YOU think they were doing there?

Old Man #2: I don't know. Maybe they were Mike's yard and garden crew.

If you'd like more insight into the amazing things people say when they don't know I'm listening, be sure to check out more Eavesdropping with Matt.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Sixty-Five: Home Countries)

Dedicated to the man who sat next to me on the plane today, and to the two women on our plane were having a rough time finding their seats, because their English was not great.

Man next to me: Go back to your home country! Am I right?

Me: Maybe this is their home country.

A couple minutes later we had this excellent exchange:

Man next to me: I can't believe the flight attendants are having such a hard time talking to them. Doesn't anyone on the plane speak Spanish?

Me: Those ladies don't speak Spanish. They were speaking Hindi.

Yes, that's right. And there's so much more waiting for you if you read earlier posts from Eavesdropping With Matt.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Sixty-Four: Suffering for Fashion)

Dedicated to the two men at our church yesterday morning, one of whom is growing in his beard, and the other who had his hipster beard all grown in and beautiful.

Man #1: Dude, when does the beard stop itching? It's driving me crazy!

Man #2: You just have to stick it out. It will stop itching soon.

While you're waiting for your beard to stop itching, you could always read more Eavesdropping with Matt.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Sixty-Three: Red, White and Blue Man Group)

Dedicated to the fine "Sparks" leaders at our local church's AWANA group and to the children who bravely and enthusiastically answer any question that is asked of them.

Everyone (singing): "Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world.

They are precious in His sight.

Leader: Who know what the colors in that song represent?

Child #1: Children with different colors of hair?

Leader: Nooooooo. Anyone else?

Child #2: The flag of the United States of America?

For more Eavesdropping with Matt, steel yourself and click on this link.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Sixty-Two: Nature Runs Wild!)

Dedicated to the old Asian men riding their bikes down the bike path, who had stopped for a moment to rest beside the creek.

Man #1: Look at those dragonflies. The dragonflies are mating!

 Man #2: Yes.

 Man #3: They are cop-u-LATE-ing.

More Eavesdropping with Matt.

Eavesdropping With Matt (Episode Sixty-One: Maybe we disagree on the definition of 'classy')

Now THIS is classy. Buy some
 classy Star Wars art from Greg Peltz here.

Dedicated to the four people behind me eating dinner at Thai Noon, who were having a VERY LOUD conversation that really did not require any eavesdropping as such.

Guy 1: With one or two exceptions, the strip clubs in San Francisco are slutty.

Guy 2: What do you mean?

Guy 1: They're just full of skinny women prancing around and taking their clothes off. They're not classy.

So... a classy strip club would require... that it not be a strip club. I can agree with that definition. Strip clubs are not classy. That's practically the definition of classy.

Now it's time for you to read more Eavesdropping with Matt.

Eavesdropping With Matt (Episode Sixty: If you're going to talk like a geek, at least get your facts straight)

Dedicated to the two guys sitting behind me at the Nutcracker ballet. An old guy and a young guy, equal in ignorance!

Guy #1: You know Superman and Batman?

*SPOLIER* I heard that in the new Batman movie,
Catwoman and Batman get married and have babies!
 I found this picture here.

Guy #2: Yeah. They are just beating super heroes into the ground with movies. Batman movies. What have there been now, three? They just, they just don't have any stories worth telling any more.
Guy #1: Are Superman and Batman from Marvel Comics or some other company?

Guy #2: They're all Marvel.

Guy #1: Not X-Men. They're Capcom.

Guy #2: Well, I do know that the Marvel comics, they used to have this whole family called The Marvel Family.

Guy #1: Oh yeah?

Guy #2: And the dad, Captain Marvel, he would always shout SHAZAM!

Then I turned around and shouted, STOP IT STOP IT YOU ARE HURTING MY HEART!

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Fifty-Nine: Mama didn't raise no zombies!)

Black Ranger, Spider Ranger, Bat Ranger, Blue Ranger.

Every year there's someone charming at the door when Halloween rolls around. This year it was an eight-year-old kid who was wearing a Power Rangers costume with a Spider-Man shirt pulled over it, a Captain America helmet on his head and a Boba Fett jet pack on his back. His mom hovered just behind him for this conversation.

Me: What are you? A Power Ranger?

Mom: He likes super-heroes.

Kid: I'm a zombie.

Me: Ha ha! You're a zombie? Did you eat all those superheroes?

Mom: He is not a zombie.

Me: Ah, I see.

Mom: Look at his jetpack. He's a super hero.

Kid (under his breath, head turned away from mom): I'm a zombie.


NOTE: It is precisely this sort of parental denial regarding the zombie status of loved ones that will cause the infection to spread more rapidly than is necessary should there be an outbreak. Please be as dispassionate as possible when diagnosing your loved ones.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Fifty-Eight: Martians are weird!)

Dedicated to my lovely daughters and to the cast and crew of the defunct television series, Power Rangers: Operation Overdrive! My kids love Power Rangers, and this morning I thought I would try to understand what was going on! At least, more than "Rangers beat up bad guys." I spent much of the morning interrogating my eight-year-old, A. 

Me: Why is that one guy so weird?

A: He's from Mars.

Me: But the rest of them are just ordinary humans?

A: No. That one guy wearing a backpack is really rich.

Note: Actually, I discovered while watching, that one guy was from Mercury.


More Eavesdropping with Matt here.

Eavesdropping With Matt (Episode Fifty-Seven: Teriyaki!)

Dedicated to: Me! And to my hungry eight-year-old.

Or... leftovers!

A: Dad, what's for dinner tonight?

Me: We're all having something different. There's spaghetti. There's grilled cheese. Quesadillas.

A: Yay! Can I have teriyaki?

Me: No, the point is to eat something we have in the house.

A: Can we buy some teriyaki and bring it into the house?

You can read more Eavesdropping With Matt here.

Eavesdropping With Matt (Episode Fifty-Six): FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS!

Dedicated to me! And my wife! And Rob Bell!

I am laughing so hard at your
 communication skills, Mr. Mikalatos.

Me: Rob Bell has just announced that he is leaving his church. There is a big hoo-ha about it all over the internet.

Krista: A hoo-ha?

Me: Yes.

Krista: Is that a real word?

Me: Um. Yes?

Krista: What does it mean?

Me: It means... um... hoo-ha.

I know this is probably the most cogent, well-thought-out post you will see about this topic. So enjoy it and be sure to send all your friends here to read it. Turns out, by the way, that the word has only been in English usage for less than a hundred years. 


More eavesdropping with Matt here.

Eavesdropping With Matt (Episode Fifty-Five: An Introduction to Anatomy)

Dedicated to the women of the Vancouver Swim Club, where I overheard this very conversation while we were having our back to school barbecue at the park!

These are doughnut hamburgers.
With eggs. Try not to throw up all over my blog.

Woman #1: Look, your daughter has chosen to eat doughnuts, cupcakes and cookies for dinner.

Woman #2: Enjoy it while you can!

Woman #1: You won't be able to do that when you're an adult.

Kid: Why not?

Woman #1: Because you'll have hips.


It's true! She'll have hips. More Eavesdropping with Matt here.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Fifty-Four: I know the answer but not the question

Dedicated to the woman from Costco who called me for some unknown reason this last Sunday.


My phone rang! The called ID said "Costco." I picked it up, thinking that maybe Costco needed to talk to me. I don't know why they would need this, but I figured, why else would they be calling.


Me: Hello?

Costco Lady: One night in Bangkok.

Me: ....

Costco Lady: I don't know if that's the title or some of the lyrics.

Me: I am not sure what you are referring to.

Costco Lady: I've dialed the wrong number.

Click.

Gosh, lady, you should have given me a little more context. Maybe I could have helped you.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Fifty-Three: the "2 second rule" doesn't apply here

Dedicated to the youth attending last night's youth dance and night of pre-pubescent hedonism at Roaring Springs Water Park, particularly the young men who came in while I was changing in the bathroom stall, which allowed me to hear this insightful gem, which made it clear to me at last why I was balancing on my flip flops and trying not to touch anything.

Boy #1: Man, there is water all over the floor.

Boy #2: When there is this much water on the floor, I don't even bother to try to pee in the urinal. I just pee straight on the floor.


Your mothers are so proud. So proud.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Fifty-Two: SUSHI ISLAND!)

Dedicated to the fine patrons of Sushi Island, which is a sushi bar in California. And, for those who don't know, sushi often includes raw fish as one of the ingredients. But especially to the guy who walked into Sushi Island and uttered the following phrase, immortalizing himself forever as he walked through the door:

Guy: Something smells fishy in here.

Amazing. Here's a link to more Eavesdropping With Matt from years past.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Fifty-One: A Rose By Any Other Name)

Dedicated to the disembodied voices two aisles over from me in the Fred Meyer's on 78th street.

Woman (calling): Marco!

Man: Polo!

Woman: Sir, I am not playing a game. I am trying to find my son, who is named Marco.

Man: Anytime I hear someone yell Marco, I always say Polo.

Eavesdropping With Matt (Episode Fifty: You and Your Racist Friend)

This special 50th episode of Eavesdropping with Matt is dedicated to the fragile old man at the workout facility, who I probably could have (should have?) snapped in half with one mighty arm, to Popular Mechanics magazine, which stood on the magazine rack and to (gulp) ME!

Our scene opens with ME, Matt Mikalatos, standing beside the magazine rack at the workout facility, reading a copy of the New Yorker (Why am I "working out" by reading the New Yorker? Because that's how I work out, that's why! Reading the New Yorker is hard.). 


Enter an old man, who motions to me to take out my ear buds so he can talk to me. I take them out and lean down to him so I can hear him clearly.

OLD MAN: We don't have to worry about 'China's secret war plan.' We're not going to fight them. We just need to worry about whether or not the Jews are going to get us into more wars.

ME: Uhhhhh.

Exit Old Man.


Now I am doomed to think of retorts to the old man forever. Something better than "Uhhhhhh." Like, "I'm Jewish" or "You're crazy" or "You better watch your back old man because we're watching you." Sigh.