A video in which Millennials apologize for how awful they are

Last week I posted this rant in which I shared how tired I am of people saying how awful Millennials are. But then Clay Morgan sent me this video in which Millennials apologize for being terrible. I thought you might like it.

What the car you drive reveals about your spirituality

Recent events have prompted me to think deeply about what the vehicle you drive says about your spirituality. This came about from a comment made at the Catlyst Conference (here's an interview with Brad Lomenick, the leader of Catalyst), where influential pastor Mark Driscoll said, "I know who made the environment and he's coming back to burn it all up. So yes, I drive an SUV." 

At first I assumed this comment was a joke designed to enrage the Internet and get some attention, but on further reflection I could see plenty of insightful lessons to be learned by looking at what type of car different Christians drive.

Here are a few insights about your vehicle and your spiritual life:

SUVs: Christians who drive SUVs believe that our current actions are, in the end, fatalistic reflections of the coming "do over" on all creation. They make decisions based on the essential meaningless of good behavior now in the face of the New Creation. This causes comments like Pastor Mark's, "I know who made the environment and he's coming back and going to burn it all up. So yes, I drive an SUV" as well as the popular sentiment, "There is no marriage in heaven, so I'm ignoring my wife now." BIBLE REFERENCE: 2 Peter 3:10

Mid-size cars: Biblical literalists tend to stick to cars like the Ford Fusion or the Toyota Camry, because they take the scriptures seriously. The strictest adherents stick to the mid-sized Honda because, "the disciples were all in one Accord."

BIBLE REFERENCE: Acts 2:1

Mini vans: Pastor Mark has also given us insight into this category, as he went on to say, "If you drive a mini van you're a mini man." Clearly he is referring to Biblical disciples like Zaccheus and the apostle Paul. There wasn't any scriptural backing for this one, but I think we can just take Pastor Mark's word for it. As a six foot, 220 pound man who drives a mini-van, I don't mind being called "mini" every once in a while.

BIBLE REFERENCE: Luke 19:3

Convertibles: Another popular choice with single men who take the Bible literally. Paul said men should not cover their heads, and so devout men everywhere have taken to driving convertibles. This gets complicated when one is driving a woman somewhere, as she is meant to cover her head. Nevertheless, this difficulty must be surmounted by those serious about following the scriptures. Especially popular with men who like to pray and prophesy while driving. 

BIBLE REFERENCE: I Corinthians 11:7

Trucks: Trucks are driven by two types of Christian men: those who believe in God's promise to gift them a good measure of treasure that is heaped up and spilling over, the sort of treasure that won't fit in a little trunk somewhere, and the manly man who thinks that SUVs are for yuppie suburbanites who are afraid to get their hands or vehicles dirty.

BIBLE REFERENCE: Luke 6:38

Subcompacts: Extra iddy biddy men, like the Roman guard who slept on his watch. And Kneehighamiah.

BIBLE REFERENCE: Acts 12:6

Pinning down what God Himself drives is tricky. It's likely that God, being the wealthiest being in the universe, owns many vehicles. We know that Jesus drove a Plymouth, because he drove the money-changers out of the temple in a Fury. We also know for certain that God has both a Pontiac Tempest and a Geo Storm. 

BIBLE REFERENCE: Psalm 83:15

How about you: What do you drive? And what does that say about your spirituality?

Life of Magnum Pi

My friend Shelby Abbott and I were talking about his mustache the other day and I told him about this idea for a funny short film I had called, "LIFE OF MAGNUM PI." He tweeted it out and Brady Green made this amazing poster for it.

Coming to a theatre near you. Hollywood, our operators are standing by for your phone call offering millions of dollars. I am willing to go as low as two million dollars.

How Sesame Street is Undermining Biblical Values

I was surprised to see last week's article by Owen Strachan talking about an episode of Sesame Street in which Baby Bear (who is male) plays with a baby doll. Telly the monster tells Baby Bear this is dumb, but resident wise sage Gordon tells him it's okay. Like this:

Baby Bear: It’s a doll 
Gordon: So?!
Baby Bear: So…Gordon…I’m a boy, and dolls are for girls!
Gordon: Says who?

Strachan explains that this is the undermining of Protestant values, because boys shouldn't be taught to play with dolls, and that after this confusing message from Gordon, Baby Bear needs the Gospel.

While I sympathize with Strachan's concern that boys might grow up to be nurturing fathers, both he and Sesame Street are missing the point.

The fact is, Baby Bear should not be playing with baby dolls. He is a bear. And socializing him with humans (let alone human babies) can only bring grief.

I know, you might think I'm overreacting, but the Bible is very clear on the role of bears in human relationships. They are meant to be voracious killing machines. I mean, the ONE COMMAND God gives specifically to bears is to "Arise and devour much flesh." This attempt to anthropomorphize and humanize bears strikes at the heart of everything the gospel teaches about bears.

If Sesame Street hadn't completely capitulated to heretical ursine views, the conversation between Baby Bear and Gordon should have gone something like this:

Baby Bear: It’s a doll.
Gordon: So?!
Baby Bear: So…Gordon…I’m a boy, and dolls are for girls!
Gordon: No, you're not a boy. You're male, but boys are human. You're a male bear cub. Now put that doll down and tear into it with your teeth. That's right, really rip into it. Pull the head off... good! Good bear! Now go for the entrails!

Or, even more correct:

Baby Bear: Grrrr.
Gordon: A baby bear? Here in New York City? I'm calling Animal Control!
Baby Bear: Rawr!
Gordon: Ahhh! Stop with the biting! Ahhhh! Why won't it listen? Is it a boy or a girl bear? Ahhhh! 

I, for one, take this issue seriously in my family and at the organization I head up, The Council on Biblical Interactions Between Humans and Animals.

In fact, because of Teddy Roosevelt's (the Dutch Reformed Episcopalian President) undermining of the scriptural role of bears in the family, I have been training my own children in the godly way to interact with bears. I include a few instructive photos here for all the parents:

One, teach your child that cuddling her teddy bear is not appropriate. Should she come across a real bear, the bears would either smother her when they roll over, or possibly eat her.

And don't get me started on the "rainbow" bear.

Second, kissing bears is right out. They will eat your face off. Do not allow your children to kiss their teddy bears.

Especially don't kiss bears named "Pooh."
There's a reason they're called that.

This is the correct way to play with teddy bears (or any bears at all). Lay on the ground, roll into a ball and play dead. Even if they are leaning in close to your face, about to take a big bite.

This looks easy, but is much harder with real bears.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should one attempt to lift a bear by its hind legs. You will probably get a hernia and/or be swiped by its claws, smashed beneath it, eaten or mauled.

In real life, that paint-spattered bear would be
devouring much flesh, just as God intended.

I've also taught all three of my daughters this helpful proverb: "Never go to a teddy bear picnic because you just might be on the menu."

You can see what others are saying about this conversation in a variety of places:

My friend Caryn Rivadeneira's thoughts.
Some thoughts from a preschool teacher. (ETA: Oops. Kristen is not a preschool teacher. She's a paralegal But it's still a good read.)
Rachel Held Evans has a good post where people from both sides of the question are having a civil conversation on the topic.

There are a bunch more out there, too. No one mentions the bear angle, but that's why you come here... FOR HARD HITTING JOURNALISM THAT ISN'T AFRAID TO CALL IT LIKE IT IS!

Now, in the comments: How are you preparing YOUR children for the coming Bearpocalypse?

New "Living Dead Christian" short story: A Vampire in the Church Choir!

This month marks the first anniversary of the release of Night of The Living Dead Christian, a comedy theology novel about what it means to find true transformation in our lives.

I love this book, and I love the characters in it. Of course. I wrote it. One character in particular, Lara, became one of my favorites, and I wanted to write another story with her in it. Then I thought, "Wouldn't it be fun to write her story and then make it available online for free on NLDC's anniversary?"

And that is precisely what I did. 

You can get it any format right here (including Mobi, for Kindle readers, and Epub for Nook, Kobo and so on). 

Here's a quick description of the new story, A Vampire in the Church Choir:

Lara, the newest alto in the struggling church choir, the Sonshine Singers, has a secret. She’s a vampire. Keeping a secret like that – being (sort of) dead – isn’t easy, which is why she came to a Big Box Mega Church in the first place. But now the pastor is preaching on “Monsters In Our Midst” and the congregation is out with pitchforks and torches. Plus, Lara is starting to suspect that the pastor himself is not all he seems, despite the long list of accolades, accomplishments and his slavishly devoted fans. To top it all off, Lara is getting “thirsty” and that long-necked tenor is starting to look like a great big juice box… even worse, the choir's next performance is only three weeks away, and Lara has been “promoted” to soprano. Sounds like a disaster, one way or another, a disaster that Lara is determined to avoid, resist and out-sing. The stakes are high, and the notes are higher, but for the first time in years Lara feels like she has a challenge she can really sink her teeth into.

And hey, if your read and enjoy A Vampire in the Church Choir (or think you're about to read and enjoy it) please consider clicking on the Facebook or Twitter icons at the end of this post and tell a friend about this free ebook!

This book is free. How to download ebooks to e-reading devices and apps. 

Format	Full Book
Online Reading (HTML, good for sampling in web browser)	View
Online Reading (JavaScript, experimental, buggy)	View
Kindle (.mobi for Kindle devices and Kindle apps)	Download
Epub (Apple iPad/iBooks, Nook, Sony Reader, Kobo, and most e-reading apps including Stanza, Aldiko, Adobe Digital Editions, others)	Download
PDF (good for reading on PC, or for home printing)	Download
RTF (readable on most word processors)	Download
LRF (Use only for older model Sony Readers that don't support .epub)	Download
Palm Doc (PDB) (for Palm reading devices)	Download
Plain Text (download) (flexible, but lacks much formatting)	Download
Plain Text (view) (viewable as web page)	View

Cover art is by M.S. Corley.

Also, for those of you new around here, you can follow me on twitter, check out more about my books, or sign up for my super infrequent e-mail list.

Downton Arby's

Krista and I watched the first season of Downton Abbey together, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Krista watched and enjoyed the second season as well. It's the story of the Crawley family, the heirs of the Grantham estate (Downton Abbey) and the adventures of all who live there (the Crawleys as well as their servants). Much of the first season had to do with trying to find a male heir in the Crawley family to keep Downton from passing on to the next nearest relative.

That was all prologue to enjoying this show, Downton Arby's. The story of an upscale family trying desperately to hold onto their Arby's franchise. BEHOLD:

One of my Door articles online

The Wittenburg Door just uploaded one of my recent articles. Until recently you could only get it in print. Here's the link to Next Wave: The Submergent Church.