Spider-Man and Jesus

I watched Spider-Man 2 tonight, since Krista is still out of town. I always liked the movie, I think it is certainly the best of the three Spider-Man movies. I tried to explain to people the deep spiritual significance I found in the film at the time, and most people gave me blank stares.


I even tried to explain the Christ parallels, and again, most people didn't seem to get what I was saying. I wrote a paper about it in one of my seminary classes (about Spider-Man progressing through the "Stations of the Cross" during one portion of the movie), but I think what was more compelling than anything I wrote was the pictures.

Rolling Stone and the Rock of Ages

I've never trusted journalists or news sources that try to convince me that they're "unbiased." Because, honestly, is there any such person in the world?

One of the things I like about Rolling Stone is that they call it like they see it. And they have Peter Travers, the only movie reviewer I consistently agree with.

So when I received the May 1 issue and it said that one of their reporters had gone "undercover" with the Christian right to write an article I cringed. Reporter Matt Taibbi goes undercover at Cornerstone Church in Texas.

It's not an easy article to read, but I'd suggest you read it to the end. Here's the link to "Jesus Made Me Puke and Other Tales from the Evangelical Front Lines."

As painful as this article is, I'm afraid that Taibbi pierces American evangelicalism in several of its ugliest boils with carefully accurate observations. Of course, he's coming into the situation with some prejudices and makes a few unfair statements, and has clearly chosen a church where he could easily find some extreme behavior. But even adjusting for that, there are a lot of things in this article that show precisely why Christians must be cautious to follow Christ and Christ alone, and not to wander off after other things.

A few of the most salient points:

1) Too many speakers emphasize their personal abilities rather than Christ.

2) We have too many programs that are not based on the Bible, but rather on a sort of secularism dressed up in religious clothing. Taibbi specifically talks about how the majority of the church retreat he goes on is about "schlock Biblical Freudianism." I wish I had said that first. I've actually run into the precise bit of schlock Biblical Freudianism that Taibbi does, and seen it used in the same way... as the defining issue in a person's life... "if you deal with this everything will be right." But I just don't remember the apostle Paul blaming his "father wounds" for causing him to persecute the church.

3) The strange picture of "Biblical Manhood" that is currently being pushed in some circles is monstrously repulsive to people on the outside . Taibbi describes them as, "Fiercely pro-military in their politics and prehistorically macho in their attitudes toward women's roles" and yet ready to burst into tears at any given moment.

4) Taibbi makes an interesting observation about how easy it is to build the outward shell of "correct behavior" in Christian community without having any sort of internal transformation. Taibbi was disturbed, in fact, to see how quickly he started to do all the "right things" without thinking about it. It's amazing how easy it is for people without a true relationship with Christ to behave in a way that causes it to appear that they do.

As too often happens, in the end someone was unable to interact with Jesus because of the people who claim to follow him. (I don't doubt, by the way, that many of the people in the story are sincere in their beliefs, or that, as I said earlier, there are parts of the story that are unfair.)

Lastly I just want to say that if you're out there, Mr. Taibbi, I wish you would come hang out at my church, or that you would let me give you a tour of my circle of friends. We have our foibles, certainly, but I think you would enjoy hanging out with us.

Baby Names

This morning our daughter A was throwing fits because Mom is still out of town. "It's too hard to put on my socks without mommy here!" she cried. Literally cried. I didn't want her to complain about her Grandad taking her to school today, so I tried to explain why it would hurt his feelings if she cried about him picking her up.

Me: Imagine that one day a long time from now you have a baby. Then I would be a Grandpa. What would you name your baby?

A: I wouldn't name her Grandaddy.

Me: Yeah, that's probably not a good name for a little girl. What would be a good name for a little girl?

A: Popcorn.

One of my Door articles online

The Wittenburg Door just uploaded one of my recent articles. Until recently you could only get it in print. Here's the link to Next Wave: The Submergent Church.

The Husband's Diet When The Wife Is Away

1) Make a decision to eat healthy while your wife is away.

2) Stop at the Mexican restaurant "just to take a phone call."

3) Buy a chimichanga, but assure yourself you will only eat half.

4) Eat it all.

5) Eat the leftover lettuce. Then the fresh salsa.

6) Realize that your breath is now really onion-y.

7) Buy a fresh strawberry milkshake to "cover the onion smell" on your breath.

8) Start to feel nauseous about halfway through the milkshake.

9) Keep drinking it because you don't want to waste it.

10) Decide not to eat dinner because your stomach hurts.

11) Eat it anyway.

12) Try to convince yourself that eating too much junk on the first day is a good strategy to prevent yourself from eating junk the rest of the week.

So Dark I Can Hear You

Our power went out for the first time since we've lived in this house. The children started saying how frightened they were (even though the sun had yet to set) so we set them up with an electric lantern and then set about lighting candles for ourselves. In the absence of the hum of computers, the whirring of the dvd player, the grumbling of the refrigerator, the thumping of the neighbor's music and the drone of the television, the silence descended like snow. A flock of geese flew overhead and I could faintly hear them into the far distance. All the things we made sat still and attentive and in that stillness I could feel our terrible vulnerability as night slipped in like some ancient tide. I could nearly hear him hovering in the lower dark, as if waiting to tell us something, waiting for our powerless selves to acknowledge his presence, waiting for a silence profound enough to hold his whisper aloft for the hair's breadth distance from his lips to our ears.

The Birthday Unicorn

Z decided that the theme for her birthday party would be "unicorns." The buyers at all the box stores simultaneously decided that unicorns were passe, and suddenly we couldn't find any unicorns anywhere.

So, not to be dissuaded, we enlisted various family members to comb the greater Portland area looking for unicorns. Krista made a unicorn cake. I painted an enormous unicorn on two panels of drywall and we put it up in the house. We did manage to find one unicorn balloon.

You can see the unicorn on the left. Krista had to help with drawing the legs. I'm a little shaky on horse anatomy, but apparently that's pretty much all she drew for years and years. This is one advantage of growing up female. On the other hand, if we needed to draw an enormous space battle, I daresay I would have the upper hand. Anyway, A jumped into the fray as well, helping with the painting (especially the flowers) and the unicorn's eyeball.

Vast numbers of giddy first grade girls soon arrived and swarmed about the house giggling and doing Girl Stuff. A great time was had by all, I think.

In the meantime, we have a giant unicorn diptych in the garage.

Happy Birthday, Z!

Happy birthday, Z! I can't believe you are seven years old. It seems like only last week that we wrapped you up in a blanket and tried to figure out how to get the carseat into the back of the car so we could bring you home from the hospital.

You are a real joy to us, and have been a continual blessing from God. We're glad to have such a sweet daughter.

I'm sad to see you grow up so fast, but excited to see all the adventures you will have as you get older. Have a great seventh year of life, Z. I look forward to living it together with you.

Love, Dad

Z loves horses

As we walked to school this morning, Z told me that she loved horses. Every kind of horse.

Me: Even flying horses?

Z: Yes!

Me: Running horses?

Z: Yes!

Me: Sleeping horses?

Z: Yes!

Me: Dead horses?

Z: No.

(a brief pause)

Z: But I do feel sorry for them.

A loves pigs

Krista made us a great dinner tonight of pork loin, broccoli and rice pilaf. Our five-year-old daughter A sat down at the table, looked at the slice of pork on her plate and proclaimed the following with much gusto:

A: MMMMMMM! Pig juice!

John Carter, Warlord of Mars

My friend Alan sent me a link to this:



I've been thinking about digging out the John Carter books. I've actually never read them, just some comics based on the ideas and characters. Apparently Pixar is signed up to do a trilogy based on the Carter books, which sounds cool. Strangely, the internet rumor is that Disney is planning to do this rather than filming all seven of the Narnia movies. Seems a little weird, since the first one, so far as I know, had a decent gross. I guess we'll see how Prince Caspian does. Nothing makes up studio execs' minds like slips of green paper.

Anyway. Civil War vet transported to Mars to fight giant eight-limbed aliens to save the alien princess and take her as his bride? Hey, what's not to like about that?

EDIT: Now that I've read the first book, allow me to say that the eight-limbed creatures are actually six-limbed. This will make a good movie. Except that everyone is naked, which might be hard to pull off. But apparently Martians don't wear clothes. Who knew?

Atheist/Agnostic Bible Study

My good friend Shasta invited me to Portland State's Atheist/Agnostic Bible study. It's run by the PSU Atheist-Agnostic student group.

I had a great time. The atheist students were a lot of fun... really interested in the text (they're looking at the book of John).

Before everyone arrived, those who were there pulled out their Bibles and read until we started. We briefly introduced ourselves and then Shawn (not sure which way he spells his name) reviewed the first three chapters. Then we would read a section out loud and discuss it together. The atheist students gave more attention and respect to the text than many Christian students I've seen in similar types of studies. They really want to know what precisely Jesus means when he says and does different things, and they're very interested in what precisely John is communicating in the way he writes the account.

In addition, I think they have a certain advantage in approaching the text without all the weight of years and years of someone telling them "This is what Jesus means when he says--". They ask questions with an honest desire to understand.

Honestly, it was probably one of the best Bible studies I've been to in the last few years. I'm planning to go back next week. I'm looking forward to getting to know the students better, and learning together from the book of John.

This Post Brought To You By The Number

Special Guest Star

Awww, look how sweet The Autumn Film looks. Look at those smiles. They sure are nice. I like them. Even if on the inside they are thinking, "Mikalatos, let us go so we can drive home."









If I were in charge of the band they would never be allowed to smile. I want them to look like a lean, mean junkyard band.

The Autumn Film LIVE IN CONCERT

Last night we went to the Tonic Lounge in Portland to see the Autumn Film in concert. Here's the little banner that they hang on the front of Tifah's keyboard. I know you won't believe it, but she made this herself. It's true.



Here was the guy who played before them. His name is Levi Weaver. Apparently he recently opened for Imogen Heap, and the Autumn Film has actually seen him when they went to an Imogen Heap concert. The Film started geeking out when they saw they would be sharing a stage with Levi. He was great, actually. Solid, heartfelt lyrics and music that I'm not sure I know how to describe other than to say that I liked it a great deal. He played his guitar with a violin bow at times and various other things that have to be seen (and heard) to be understood. So if you get a chance to see him, be sure to swing by.




I took some pictures of the band when they were warming up. I am a lame picture taker. This is where you all are wishing that Krista had gone to the concert with me. Here's Dann smiling at his cymbals.



Reid contemplating his guitar.




Aubrea wrestling her violin.




Tifah laughing at something funny her microphone said.




Juli getting "down" with her bass.




Some fans you might know.




More fans you might know. I didn't get pictures of all the fans (like the Ryghs and my Very Own Parents and various others). This is because I am a lame picture taker.





Further evidence that I am a lame picture taker. This is a picture of Reid jamming on his guitar.

The last band to play was Boom Snake. Unfortunately, Boom Snake got on stage pretty late so it was pretty much five fans, Levi and the Autumn Film. Which in a lot of ways was more fun, maybe. We had a conversation going between the audience and the band, which was fun.

Anyway, Dad and I helped load up the Film's stuff and then wished them farewell and off they went for their 20ish hour drive home (at last). The gang is possibly coming through again this summer. I hope you'll come hang out, I think you'll enjoy them.

House of Rock

Here's Tifah, Reid and A playing piano yesterday. Reid tried to wander away after a while and A went to collect him again. She decided that they should have a band called, "Butterfly." Later we talked about making it two words, "Butter Fly."

Tifah made up a song for A about a girl named A who loved dancing and butterflies. Of course, A was in 7th heaven.

Z and A also decided to make a "kitty band" and pranced around the house singing in a meowing cat voice.

Underwater Tag

TOPP (Tagging of Pacific Predators) has a cool little website where you can track the movements of the various sharks, turtles and seals they've tagged. On the left hand side you can choose areas or specific types of animals to track.

The Monterey Bay Aquarium recently tagged a baby Great White so they can more carefully track its movements. I say, tag 'em all! Then give me a GPS with a tracker thingee. Then I will decide whether to get into the water or not.

"I Spy" in Hell

This made me laugh out loud.

Black Thumb

The weather took a turn for the hotter today, which means... YARD WORK!

My lawn mower inexplicably snarled a defiant farewell and refused to cut grass after a few brief swaths across our yard. New gasoline, grass removal, the recuiting of my father, filter changes, spark plug replacements and repeated pulls on the starter cord were met by the mower's implacable will.

In the end I borrowed Dad's mower.

Then I killed weeds. We'll see in a few days how effective my withering looks and ill-wishes were in destroying those unwanted plants.

Concerning Skulls

Skulls #1. In San Francisco the woman who took my order for hot milk at the coffee shop yesterday had a skull on her nametag. I told her I liked her skull. This seemed to make her happy. I realized later that maybe she had forgotten about her nametag and she thought I was saying that I liked her actual skull.

Skulls #2. In San Francisco the man who took my order for hot milk at the coffee shop this morning had tattoos of skulls all up and down his arms. Some of the skulls had crab's legs, which made me think of the dead crab I saw in Moss Beach. Some had wings, which made me think that this guy really liked skulls. This skull-covered man was, perhaps, the nicest, most friendly coffee shop order taker guy I have ever seen. Which just goes to show you... no matter what, you're always stuck with those tattoos.

Skulls #3. In the bathroom at San Francisco State, someone had written "Skull Fox" in the grout above the urinal. I thought this was a funny nickname. At least, I had a good laugh about it. I realized that Skull Fox could never prove who he was, and that I could steal his name and write it wherever I wanted and people would think that I was Skull Fox. This would probably make him angry, and he might try to find me and fight me. But I think that Skull Fox is probably not going to be able to take me, because really it's a pretty silly, childish name, and he is clearly lacking maturity since he's still writing on bathroom walls. So I think that even if he is strong, I can quickly outwit him by running across a railroad track just before a train comes. And when the train disappears... I will be gone. And he will call me Skull Fox Ghost.

Signed,

Skull Fox

Concerning Books and Travel

I have an almost neurotic need to make sure I have enough books when I travel. Which means that I always have too many books with me, which I lug around in my backpack. When I'm packing I know I have too many books, but I can't help it. I want to have all the books along just in case I'm in the mood for one over the other.

Here's what I took with me to San Francisco:

1) The Bible. Pretty much a given here, folks, but thought I'd mention it. It is, after all, a book.

2) John Scalzi's The Ghost Brigades. Basic plot: in the far flung future, humans fight every race of aliens they come across.

3) P.D. James' Death of An Expert Witness. Basic plot: Adam Dalgliesh solves a mystery. James consistently catches the truth of human nature in her mysteries, and she's an excellent writer, as well. I'm looking forward to reading this.

4) D.A. Carson's A Call to Spiritual Reformation. Carson uses the prayers of Paul to make conclusions about prayer and theology. I thought there were some valuable insights in this book, though I honestly disliked several of the later chapters. I had to read this for our seminary class, so it was homework, really.

5) Evelyn Underhill's Mystics of the Church. I snagged this from Carolyn's house. This book is basically a history course, taking you through the differnt mystic traditions within the Christian church. It's great reading, actually, and the introduction clearly expressed and described some things from my own experience that I felt encouraged to see others have also experienced in the past.

All in all, too many books for such a short trip. Now I have to go unpack them into the monstrous pile of books beside my bed....

Concerning Selfish First Class Passengers

Krista and I were upgraded into first class on our flight home today. Which has a few advantages, although on a short flight like ours it means you get to drink your ice water out of a glass instead of a plastic cup.

One of the things you'll notice if you ride in first class is that some of the passengers are big jerks. Often this is how they made enough money to ride in first class. Not all first class passengers are this way, of course. But SOMETIMES some mean old man might stand up when it's time to get off the plane and box you in so that you can't move and then put his arm out in front of your wife and block her way so that he can get off the plane before her. Because, you know, being the sixth person off the plane is not good enough for him. And then, as if to prove that he is a complete control-freak idiot he gets off the plane and then stops to tie his shoe and maybe you and your wife pass him.

I know you might find this sort of behavior intimidating, so I've included below a few tips for dealing with those nasty first class customers:

1) If you encounter an aggressive customer in seats 1A or 1B, stare him down, as these are the worst seats and the passenger is actually a "coach" passenger who has been upgraded. If they are in another seat, avoid their gaze at all costs.

2) In both cases, back away slowly; don't run.

3) If you stumble, run and climb a tree. The more aggressive first class passengers are too obese to climb trees.

4) If these tips don't seem to be working, try to stand still until they forget about you.

The Crab

I saw a crab yesterday. It was a good sized one, brightly colored, with large pincers and antennae that undulated in the tide. I stood on the rocks and watched it for a while, noticing the barnacles on its shell and the strange articulation of its arms and many legs. Clearly, the crab had been made with a precise purpose and was perfectly designed for the tidepool environment.

As I looked more closely I noticed that the barnacles were actually snails. Or maybe hermit crabs. Scavengers, certainly. I started to wonder if it was alive. I tossed a rock at it and thought that it moved a claw. I wandered around the rocks and collected pebbles and threw them, one at a time, to see what it would do. It didn't move. After a long look for a stick, I hunkered down near the water and grabbed its leg. Nothing. Then I tapped it on the carapace. No movement. It was dead.

I applied my heart to what I saw and learned a lesson from what I observed. In the spiritual life, there are people who appear to be alive, who look healthy and even do some things a healthy Christian would do. But if you watch them carefully there are small signs that give you cause for unease, and when you come close enough to touch them... they are dead.

Rock Bands

Krista and I are on the road today, taking a day to process our lives and ministry together at a bed and breakfast in California that we went to on our Honeymoon. I'm looking forward to the time with Krista. Tomorrow we'll meet up with our team in San Francisco... we're meeting with some of the SF staff and the regional team from Crusade in California to talk about ways we can partner together, specifically in San Francisco. I'm excited about that, too.

Meanwhile, the Rock Band called The Autumn Film is staying at our house. You know how rock bands are. Staying at our house while we're gone, too. No doubt they are sliding down the (very short) bannister and are lighting cigarettes in the bathroom and tearing out the grass in our front lawn. But we'll recuperate our losses by selling their pillowcases on ebay when they are famous.

U2 will be staying with us next week.

Toothpaste

I travel a lot, as you know. And now that you can only carry on 3 oz. of toothpaste, Colgate wants you to buy lots of little tubes of toothpaste.

Unless you can refill them yourself at home. Which is what I do. You are thinking, "Matt, that sounds cheap and unnecessary." To which I can only say, I am also cheap. And possibly unnecessary.

Here are some tips:

1) Despite your initial inclination, DO NOT blow into the little empty tube of toothpaste, thinking it will make it easier to get toothpaste into it. You will be able to "fill" the tube, but the air inside the tube will cause it to violently shoot out, like a volcano. I could explain to you why this happens, but I'm worried that you "don't have the math" to understand. Okay. I don't have the math either. Something about pressure and physics and such. Just trust me on this.

2) Push your tubes together.

3) SQUEEZE. I find that although I am a "flatten from the bottom" toothpaste user, that for this purpose, "Squish in the middle" works better.

4) DON'T try to fill your tube too full (i.e. as full as you would if you bought it new). This is a pointless exercise in frustration.

5) Screw the cap back on.

6) Remember that you can take more than one 3 oz. tube if you are a heavy toothpast user.

Feel free to write for more pointers if this isn't clear enough.

The Autumn Film is in town

The Autumn Film will be doing a few concerts here in the NW over the next week. This quote will give you an idea of their music:

“Like a post-collegiate Fiona Apple jamming with Snow Patrol, Al-Attas and her band serve up a violin-rich, piano-drenched sincerity topped off with a voice that’s wise and heartbroken beyond its years” (The Onion).

Here are the showdates and locations:

04/09/2008 09:00pm Seattle, WA The Comet Tavern
GABRIEL MINTZ, THE AUTUMN FILM, VELVET DRIVE, VENUS VERSE

922 E Pike Street
21+

04/12/2008 06:00pm Seattle, WA The High Dive Seattle 206.632.0212
Happy Hour
21+
$5
W/ Aurora

High Dive
513 N 36th
Seattle, WA 98103

04/13/2008 09:15pm Portland, OR The Tonic Lounge
3300 N E Sandy Blvd.
21+
Cost TBA

Spring Has Sprung

Dan wrote me today to make sure that I understood that Jon Foreman's Spring EP had been released. Apparently I was asleep at the wheel, enjoying the actual reality of spring, which means that around our house we see things like this:

So, once I recovered I went online and downloaded the album. I haven't really listened to the whole thing closely yet, so I can't give a good review, but I will say I'm pleased that "Your Love Is Strong" is on the EP. I first heard the song last summer at an acoustic Switchfoot concert. Jon said it was a sequel of sorts to the song "Let Your Love Be Strong" from the "Oh! Gravity" album. I like the instrumentation on the EP version of "Your Love Is Strong" and think it sounds great.

Anyway, I'll include more thoughts and let you know which songs are my favorite on the album when I get a chance. In the meantime, I've included the lyrics to both "Your Love Is Strong" and "Let Your Love Be Strong" below. Enjoy.

"Your Love Is Strong" Lyrics by Jon Foreman

Here are the lyrics to Jon Foreman's "Your Love Is Strong" from his Spring EP.

"Let Your Love Be Strong" lyrics by Switchfoot from "Oh! Gravity."

In this world of news
I've found nothing new
I've found nothing pure
Maybe I'm just idealistic
to assume that truth
Could be fact and form
That love could be a verb
Maybe I'm just a little misinformed.

As the dead moon rises, and the freeways sigh
Let the trains watch over the tides and the mist
Spinning circles in our skies tonight
Let the trucks roll in from Los Angeles
Maybe our stars are unanimously tired

Let your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your eyes
All of my world hanging on your love

Let the wars begin, let my strength wear thin
Let my fingers crack, let my world fall apart
Train the monkeys on my back to fight
Let it start tonight
When my world explodes, when my stars touch the ground
Falling down like broken satellites

Let your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your eyes
All that I am hanging on, all of my world resting on your love
tonight

Hope for a Broken World

As you no doubt remember, I spoke at our church last week while our pastor took a well-deserved break.

Here's a link to where you can download the talk or listen to it online.

And here's the link to our pastor's current series, which is on First Corinthians. I think you will like it.

Thanks to all of you in the BHR community who showed up to listen in person. I felt loved that you would take some time to come listen to me speak.

The Glue Society's Red Sea

The Glue Society made a fun series of "sattelite photos" of Biblical events, including this one of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea. If you go to their site and look at their Miami show you can see the rest of them, including the Garden of Eden and Golgotha.

Red Light, Green Light

We're taking a little spring break breather in Anacortes, WA, at the Culbertson home. The day before yesterday, A and Z and I (that's me) played Red Light, Green light. It has lots of special rules.

Green Light: Go.

Red Light: Stop.

Yellow Light: Slow.

Purple Light: Go backwards.

Horse Light: trot like a horse.

Pig Light: Get on all fours and "pig around."

A would like to say, "You have to stay in one place and if you get purple light you have to go all the way to the start."

Feel free to play with your family and friends.

Found Poetry: Dinosaur Gift Shop

Fossilized remains found
In a notorious terrorist group.

No other gift will help
express your love
better!

Free Gene Wolfe story

Gene Wolfe's novella, Memorare, is up for a Hugo award. So someone has kindly put it online.

This is a great story, and if you're unfamiliar with Wolfe's work, it's an excellent place to begin your aquaintance. It's about a series of asteroids where people have built memorial/tombs to lost loved ones. Most of the memorials are purposeful death traps, for a reason that becomes clear pretty quickly. The story is about a man, down on his luck, who decides to film a documentary about the memorials, which means he'll need to break into them. And he'll need to break into the most dangerous ones to get the best story.

As you read it, watch for the deft way that Wolfe takes what could have been a story of pure SF action and instead weaves it into a deep reflection on love, marriage, divorce, human relationships and how we remember the dead.

Here's the full list of Hugo nominees for this year, many of which are online.

You're Invited

This coming weekend, I'm delivering the message at our church.

Here are directions to the church.

They often record the message, so I'll post a link if they do, for those of you who prefer "distance learning."

The Butterbean Stories (part 4-6) by A

Continued from Butterbean parts 1-3 by A. Feel free to leave comments, because A loves to get your feedback on her work.

Chapter 4

Butterbean is purple. Guess what? She got to keep the loopdeloop she used. Now you see that purple bean? It's going to be a game in Butterbean part 6. Butterbean got all the beans out in an earlier part. All Butterbean's friends think Butterbean has no story, but Butterbean really does. Do you know how Butterbean got everyone out? The crayon sucked the beans in ibe day while they were playing on the swing. Butterbean had made a promise that she wouldn't invite the crayon to the park. But instead the crayon sucked all the beans in! The crayon cut the trees down and colored them pink. But Butterbean tried to stop the crayon but she couldn't. That's the end of Part Four, but there will be a lot of other exciting adventures of Butterbean.

Butterbean Part 5

One day Butterbean made an awful mistake. The Queen Butterbean had said, "Butterbean, will you get me some butter?" Instead Butterbean got her some butterbeads. Butterbean had to go into the awful crayon again. The Queen had sent that crayon to suck up everybody. The clock the Queen had was not working, she wished she had not sent Butterbean into the crayon, because she was the only fixer in town. The Queen had not let Butterbean take the swirl she had gotten. The giant crayon did not like the taste of Butterbean, so he spit Butterbean out. Join in for the next Butterbean story in Butterbean Part Six.

Butterbean Part 6

Today we're talking about how Butterbean and his friends discover a new person. Do you know what all the butterbeans discover behind a world? A magnificent world of pegasuses flying in the air.

THE END

More Door

Coming soon from the Wittenburg Door... an interview with science fiction and fantasy author John C. Wright, a former atheist who converted to Christianity after a vision where Jesus and the Virgin Mary came to him and told him to stop being an atheist. No, really.

Creepy Easter Moments

I've never liked people dressed up in animal costumes. Watching a six-foot tall rabbit walk over the links to entice my children to go searching for its eggs just gave me the creeps.

And the children ran after him like jave fiends searching for a Starbucks fix.

Unfortunately, the Big Bunny let the 3-year-olds decimate the eggs before releasing the five to eight year olds, so there were enormous hordes of children racing across the golf course. My daughters would sprint up to me, breathless and shout, "HAVE YOU SEEN ANY EGGS?" Then another kid would say, "I see something sparkling under those trees!" Then they would speed en masse toward the sparkling things.

The rabbit felt so bad for not replenishing the egg supply that he stood in one place and pretended not to notice as the smaller children took candy from his basket.

Actually, we had a great time at the Giant Easter Party, and you can see more pictures (including the impressive face paintings) on Krista's blog.

Fresh Strawberry Milkshake Dress Rehearsal

I've been waiting for months for the return of Burgerville's seasonal fresh strawberry milkshake. Today marked its triumphant return!

So I went down and bought me one tonight. Perhaps there were fewer fresh strawberries than last season, or perhaps the earlier part of the season has lesser strawberries, but the shake's flavor was not strawberrrrryy enough.

I have decided to pretend that tonight was Burgerville's dress rehearsal. I will give them a week and then try again. Watch this space for an update. (Yes, that's the sort of quality post you have come to expect here at BHR.)

Mikalatos Foils The Drug Dealers

Today, I'm walking along behind this guy in the parking lot, maybe five steps behind him. He stops two cars away from mine, pulls out an enormous wad of cash and slaps it in the hand of a man standing by the car. The second man pulls out a plastic baggie and hands it to the first man.

At this point I swing into action, karate chopping the first guy in the back of the neck. The second guy reaches into his jacket (it was a red Cubs parka for some reason... go figure) for a gun or maybe just to grab his heart because he is so scared but before he reached his pistol (or his heart, whatever) I drove my fist into his nose and my knee into his chest. Three guys jump out of the car, but by then I find a loose bike chain on the ground. They try to run, but it is too late for them. I pile all their bodies up, stand on the top and let loose with a thundering war cry that brings the police skidding into the parking lot. They want to talk to me, but I disappear as mysteriously as I arrived.

Well. Okay, the first paragraph is true. The second one is slightly embellished. I actually walked nonchalantly past the car, quickly memorized the license plate and the model of the car and called 911. They said they would get right on it as soon as an officer was available. So I am sure that Justice has been served. TAKE THAT EVIL-DOERS! They should know better than to tempt me to action. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh MATT MAN!

QUICK! LIGHT THE MATT SIGNAL! (The police commissioner here often says this.)

On The Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness

I recently read On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness by Andrew Peterson.


I have to admit that I picked up the book, instantly skeptical. The name threw me, I think. On the Edge of the Dark Sea. Of Darkness. I thought, "That's completely unecessary. Not like we're expecting the Dark Sea to be the Dark Sea of Light." The only thing that would have made me more skeptical would have been if there had been a quote on the back proclaiming "BETTER THAN TOLKIEN." But there wasn't one of those.

It didn't take me long to realize that my skepticism was unfounded. I found the sense of humor and fun in the first few pages lifted my expectations immediately, and I kept turning pages thinking, This might actually be good.


The Novel Whose Name Is Too Long For Me To Continue To Type Out (now referred to as OTEOTDSOD) is the story of the three Igiby children, who live with their mother and grandfather in a town oppressed by an occupying lizard-creature army. The nearby woods are full of dangerous creatures (though not too frightening for the kids... the "toothy cows" being an excellent example). Of course the children discover that all is not as it seems, and of course they are key players in the uprising against the forces of evil that have captured their town.

The thing I enjoyed most about this novel would definitely be the relaxed sense of humor. The land of Aerwiar, for instance, received its name because the first resident of the land looked around and said, "Well, here we are." The humor occasionally strayed toward the childish, but this is, after all, a young adult novel. Which means this is a strength, not a weakness.

The plot follows basic fantasy norms, so there aren't any real surprises in that sense. But the style is fun, and the content is appropriate and spiritually valuable without becoming preachy (or really overt at all). So you can feel confident that your kids could read it without worrying about what they'll come away with. In fact, I just put the book in my six-year-old daughter's hands and told her to have at it.

And OF COURSE since it's a fantasy novel it's not complete in and of itself. It's just part one of the story. FYI. So, really solid overall. I would gladly recommend it, especially to people looking for something to read to their kids.

Lots of people have reviewed the book today, and others will continue to do author interviews and so on. So if you want to know more, check out one of these links:

Sally Apokedak
Brandon Barr
Jim Black
Justin Boyer
Jackie Castle
Valerie Comer
CSFF Blog Tour
Gene Curtis
D. G. D. Davidson
Janey DeMeo
Jeff Draper
April Erwin
Beth Goddard
Marcus Goodyear
Todd Green
Jill Hart
Katie Hart
Michael Heald
Timothy Hicks
Christopher Hopper
Jason Joyner
Kait
Carol Keen
Mike Lynch
Margaret
Rachel Marks
Shannon McNear
Rebecca LuElla Miller
Pamela Morrisson
John W. Otte
Deena Peterson
Rachelle
Steve Rice
Cheryl Russel
Ashley Rutherford
Chawna Schroeder
James Somers
Donna Swanson
Steve Trower
Speculative Faith
Robert Treskillard
Jason Waguespac
Laura Williams
Timothy Wise

Make the World a Better Place by supporting the arts

If you're like me, you occasionally thought to yourself during World History class, "I wish I were a Medici." You know, that famous Italian family that sponsored famous artists like Michelangelo. Some of them also had cool names like "Lorenzo the Magnificent."

Now's your chance!

My best friend and occasional guest here at BHR (you would know him as "The Omnivore") has started an ingenious way for you to support artists using your internet presence. It's called Click Patron. Here's a simple explanation: You put a google search engine on your site. You get free art. Artists get free cash.

I've already put up the search box here at BHR.

Here's how you can become a patron:

1. Agree to use the Click Patron search link or box for a year.

2. Send an e-mail requesting the code for the search box to clickpatron@gmail.com All that you need to do is paste the code somewhere in your web presence, and agree to leave it there for a year. They can adjust the code to match your site's colors if requested. Also, if you don't know how to integrate it into your web presence, they should be able to offer some technical assistance.

3. E-mail clickpatron@gmail.com, telling them what work you'd like in return for your hospitality. If you can copy the link pointing to that specific piece and paste it into your e-mail, that would be ideal.

That's it!

And hey, if you're an artist, here are the instructions for becoming a benficiary of the Click Patron cash for artists program.

Signed,

Mikalatos the Magnificent

An Evil Guest

I just noticed tonight that Gene Wolfe's next novel has been listed for pre-order on Amazon! Yeeeehaaaa! That means come September I will have a new Wolfe novel. This is good news.

It's described so far as "Blade Runner meets Lovecraft."

In other words, weird but GREAT!

New Links

Hello Darlings--

I just added a few links which I should have added before, but I am lazy. And I deleted a couple who hadn't updated in the last SIX MONTHS. I assume your blog is done at that point.

New blogs to enjoy: Pink Couch, with Carolyn Culbertson. Sit in on her pink couch and learn from the desert saints, the dessert saints, and receive deep insights. More fun than a barrel full of monks!

The Official Blog of Dann Stockton. Imagine that Animal from the Muppet Show had a blog, but that instead of saying "Drums" and "Wo-man" he could actually speak and share his thoughts about his time on tour with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Except that his name is Dann and he is on tour with The Autumn Film.

Rocking it Indy Style is the blog of the incomparable Aubrea. She also sends out notes from the Autumn Film's tour. Aubrea also has a secret blog which she has not invited me to join. No doubt it is full of hilarious stories from the road and her deepest thoughts and feelings. But I am not bitter.

Lastly, we have Juli, also of the Autumn Film, with the Rockstar's Life. Included is an excellent post about sharing the stage with 15-year-olds who also have rock bands. I have heard that Dann is re-writing the song "Daddy Sang Bass" with the new lyrics "Juli Plays Bass." Coming to a venue near you.

"Weird" is just another way to say "Smarter than everyone else"

Driving home before bedtime:

Z: Dad, what are the two stories we are in the middle of at bedtime?

A: Lord of the Beans?

Me: Lord of the Rings.

A: And what was the other one? Mac... Mac...

Me: Macbeth.

Z and A: MACBETH! Yay! We want Lord of the Rings and Macbeth!

Krista: You are turning our kids into weirdoes.

Me: I am not.

Jesus and the Easter Bunny

I guess this is Dean's day at BHR. Dean is our worship pastor, and an instrumental part in the profound hour I spent with Christ yesterday. I went on his blog tonight and saw this video about Jesus spending time with the Easter Bunny and I thought, "I must steal this." Because the internet is all about stealing. So, a tip of the hat to Mr. Christensen.

Into The Labyrinth

Leading up to Easter our church does a worship labyrinth. I decided I would be a part of it this year. I've always wanted to do it, but never been able to before. Here's the description of it from the church:

Open your eyes, ears and hearts to an encounter with God. Experience the
Village Worship Labyrinth, an awesome devotional experience that
will help you draw closer to Him. The Worship Labyrinth is a
personal journey with eight stations where you can stop and spend
time with the Lord. This multi-sensory experience will give you time to let
go of the busyness, hurts and distractions that can spoil your relationship
with God.

I have to admit I was a little afraid. The last time I went into a labyrinth was in Oakhurst, California, and it was for a Halloween event. There were big walls built out of black garbage bags hanging on pvc pipe. I had made it most of the way through with minimal frights, but then this one vampire had a cape made out of black garbage bags. He was standing in a corner with his back to us, and when he turned around my stomach tried to crawl out my mouth. Luckily all the screaming got out first, so I had time to fix that.

The only other association I have with Labyrinth (until yesterday) was the strange Jim Henson movie from 1986. So I was a little concerned that I might run into something like this in the maze:

Anyway, those were the thoughts I had going in. Oh, also, when Yoda sends Luke Skywalker into that tree that is strong in the dark side of the Force and he tells him that he won't need his lightsaber. Then Darth Vader comes out of the shadows and attacks him. Creepy.

So, I got to Village for my scheduled appointment for the Labyrinth, and our worship pastor, Dean, was there giving people the talk to prepare them for their experience. He calmed my fears. Since I didn't have a lightsaber, I left my cell phone, wallet and house keys in the truck and my shoes outside the labyrinth.

The labyrinth was set up in the main sanctuary... Dean and his minions had removed all the pews and replaced it with the outline of a labyrinth, with eight different stops along the way.

The way in was all about preparing yourself to meet with and hear from God. I felt Christ beside me the whole way, inviting me to come to the center to meet with him. I put the hood of my sweatshirt up because I am too easily distracted, which made me feel a little bit like a monk.

At the center of the labyrinth stood a table with bread and juice for communion. I sat there and prayed for a long time, and I experienced his presence in a powerful way. I spoke clearly with him, and heard clear responses from him. He prayed a blessing over me. I didn't want to leave, but he told me that I couldn't just stay there in the center of the labyrinth, that the personal transformations we experience at his feet can and must cause transformation in the people and society around us. And the second half of the labyrinth helped drive those points home.

I wish I could write out the precise conversation I had with Christ in the labyrinth, and some of the details of that hour, but I'm not sure this blog is an appropriate place, where I can make it clearly understood without making it seem like some strange, outsized thing. I will settle for saying that this was certainly a moment in my, life where I experienced Christ's presence, one of those moments I could point to and say, "Of course Christ is real, of course he is an actual person."

Inevitably I am disappointed with the way this translates into words. This hour was a deeply profound one for me, and to try to explain it requires a courage I lack, I think. I will have to think more about it and see if I can find the right way to express it.

Anyway, a deep and profound thanks to the pastors, staff and volunteers at Village, who set aside the space and time to let me meet with Christ yesterday. Your spiritual leadership and service is much appreciated.

How I knew it was going to be a good day today

I woke this morning from a pleasant dream in which I could fly.

A simple sort of sweater vest/harness with small wings on it allowed me, with some minimal work, glide for impossibly long distances. I had to jump up and exercise a bit to get into the air initially, but pretty soon I was gently soaring over the bright ocean, and coming in close to shore and sitting for a while in the highest branches of the gnarled trees that grew partly on shore, partly in the waves. A small band of mice came and told me a story about the war they were fighting with some other tribe of mice, and I promised to help them when I had a chance.

Then I remembered that I was supposed to be substitute teaching for my friend, Brian, which could have been nightmarish, but the woman who came to remind me of my duties thought that discovering flight should be a perfectly delightful reason to forget I had promised to teach. Besides, another substitute had also forgotten. So we both rode in the woman's small car back to the school, where the children were delighted I was their substitute. So much so that I never even had a chance to tell them about my flight or the mice.

And I woke up relaxed and happy. And the children got ready easily for school, and my wife seemed especially lovely and loving. It was, all in all, an excellent way to start the day.

Revolutionary Advice With Matt

Dear Matt,

My wife, Annie, says that our crystal stemware is full of lead and that we shouldn't drink out of it anymore. This is because lead is bad for you. But I say she is wrong. I need your advice.

Sincerely,

Jim Phule

Matt replies: Annie Phule knows that lead from your crystal stemware can leach into your beverage. In fact, like a good cup of tea, your drink will fill with more and more lead the longer you leave it to steep in the glass. So the secret is to imbibe your drink more rapidly. The faster you drink, the less lead you will take in. My suggestion would be to dump the drink into your stemware and immediately chug it. NOTE: Pregnant women and children should drink theirs even faster!

Perhaps a better question would be why you are using stemware at all. In our home we have a rule... "from the bottle, from the jug, from the pitcher we will chug." Individual glasses were invented in the Middle Ages because the backwards people at that time believed in tiny little men called "Germs." They thought these little men hated us (they were jealous of our size) as well as one another (so My Germs would attack and try to kill Your Germs). This was called Germ Warfare. So, if You and I both drank from the same cup, Your Germs might attack me when I went to take a drink, causing sickness or even death. This sort of silly superstition must be shunned, which is why I make certain my family all drink from the same jug of milk. You would be wise to do the same.

Sincerely,

Matt

Not to sound like a cranky old man

But is it really possible that our house consumes so much toilet paper?

Also, Krista and I played Twister with the kids tonight. Twister is not so easy as I remember.

Lastly--and I'm absolutely certain that none of you care--but there will be a new Ambush Bug miniseries this summer.

Ruthless

I was in a meeting recently where we talked about the need to be "ruthless" in determing what would be allowed to be included in a specific event we were planning.

Someone asked, "What does 'ruthless' mean? If I were not ruthless, would I be 'full of ruth'?"

Her question got me to wondering. And here's the answer:

ruthless
c.1327, from reuthe "pity, compassion" (c.1175), formed from reuwen "to rue" (see rue (v.)) on the model of true/truth, etc. Ruthful (c.1225) has fallen from use since late 17c. except as a deliberate archaism.

So, there you have it. I trust you will be ruthful today when appropriate.

Mormon Jesus and My Jesus

A slightly streamlined presentation of our discussion about Jesus:

Me: So what would be the main difference between what my church would say about Jesus and what the Mormons would say about Jesus?

Elder M: The only real difference would be that your church probably says that we don't worship Jesus. But we do.

Me: So you believe all the same things about Jesus as my church? The Nicean creed type of thing? Fully God, fully man, born by virgin birth, lived, died, rose again, rules at God's right hand sort of thing?

Elder M: The Nicean creed, now, that's different. That was just a bunch of people getting together and voting about what the Bible would say. And we believe in Jesus and Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost, but not that they are all one.

Me: So you don't believe in the trinity?

Elder J: We believe in the Godhead.

Me: Okay. Interesting. Wow. I have a lot of questions for you now. True or false: Jesus is God.

Elder M: True.

Me: True or false: there are three gods.

Elder M: True.

Me: Now that's pretty different. Did Jesus exist eternally, into the past as well as the future?

Elder M: We all existed eternally. Matter and energy can't be destroyed. We were all intelligences, and Heavenly Father rearranged things to create us. Jesus is the first being he created.

Me: Wait. God created Jesus?

Elder M: Yes.

Me: So the difference between the intelligence that became Jesus and the intelligence that became me is what exactly?

Elder M: He was chosen to die for us, and became part of the Godhead.

Me: So it was kind of like a promotion?

Elder M (laughing): I guess you could say that.

Me: That's pretty different from what I believe about Jesus.

Elder M: You know, as I think about it, I guess what we teach about Jesus is pretty different than what you believe.

Mormons and Coffee

I took my Mormon friends out to lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant today.

Me: Sorry about inviting you to coffee yesterday. That was pretty funny.

Elder M: That was funny.

Me: I don't drink coffee, either. Are you allowed to drink decaf?

Elder M: No. It's not because of the caffeine, it's the tanic acid. Tea also has tanic acid.

Me: You can't drink tea, either?

Elder M: No.

Me: Can you drink soda?

Elder M: There's a story that someone went fishing with the prophet and asked him if he was allowed to drink a Pepsi and the prophet said, "You may drink it, but God prefers that you not."

Me: So it's on your own conscience?

Elder M: Right. But we know that there's something in soda that causes damage to your bones.

Me: So this is all a health thing?

Elder M: Yes. We are supposed to take care of our bodies and be as healthy as possible.

Me: Elder J, how's that chimichanga?

Elder J: It's good.

More Mormon Musings

I took my Elder Buddies out to lunch today, so we could talk some more about my questions from last time.

There is a great wealth of conversations to relate here. I felt sad for these guys, who are very sincere and yet seem unable to really engage with the questions I am asking them. No doubt because they are trying to convert me. Ahem.

Anyway, I had read a brief passage of the Book of Mormon at their urging. It's a part where Jesus reveals himself to the Lost Tribe of Israel and they are all Very Impressed and line up to put their hands in his side (which I thought was weird, but we didn't discuss that today).

Me: You know what really bothered me about this? You have all these Semitic people -- and what language was the Book of Mormon translated from?

Elder J: Hebrew and Egyptian.

Me: Right. So you have these Semitic people, and somehow Jesus introduces himself as Jesus Christ.

(Silence.)

Me: And Christ is a Greek word. We should expect that, at the least, it would say Messiah, and maybe it would be translated "annointed one." But for a Greek word to show up in the middle of a Hebrew text, that's just weird. And then it talks about "baptism" which is a Greek word, too. Both "baptism" and "Christ" are transliterated from Greek, not translated. So how do you explain that?

Elder J: That's a good question.

Elder M: I don't know the answer to that. But I know that God knows the answer.

Me: Okay.

Elder M: And if you pray and ask God to show you the truth of the Book of Mormon, I can guarantee he will do that.

My children comment on Macbeth

On the way to ice skating tonight I told the kids a Cliffs Notes version of Macbeth. Here's my favorite bit:

Me: --and then the three witches told Macbeth that he would be king one day.

Z: Oh no! Never listen to a witch!

A: They have an evil plan!

Z: Didn't Macbeth's dad ever tell him not to listen to a witch?

Me: Uh... I guess not.

Faux pas

My mormon friends came by today to try to figure out a good time for us to get together again.

Me: Could you guys get together tomorrow at like 2 o'clock?

Elder: Yes, that would work.

Me: We could meet here and go grab coffee.

(Awkward silence.)

Me: Oh, yeah. You aren't allowed to drink coffee, are you?

Elder: No.

Frequent Flier Perks

I was flying "Ted" yesterday. One of the flight attendants told me that because I was a Premiere Executive I was allowed to call it a "Theodore" flight.

But I decided not to do that.

things I saw on my way to the terminal, and the conclusions I draw from them

Observed: A police vehicle in the center of highway 5 at four in the morning, lights blazing, and an officer standing beside a man with no vehicle.

Conclusion: Neither justice nor crime sleeps.

Observed: A large Latino family with many bags waiting in the "priority" line with all the white business men with their one tiny roller bag each. The family was immediately idenitifed as "economy" and moved to the longer line.

Conclusion: Those who need the least help are often given extra service.

Observed: The economy line moved significantly faster than the shorter and more prestigious priority line.

Conclusion: Sometimes the appearance of superiority or the perceived rights of one's station become more important than the actual service or the speed with which it is received.

Observed: A woman with red-rimmed eyes and a barely contained desire to sob, looking mournfully at the man who waited outside the security line, waving to her and eventually coming alongside the line to kiss her across the security tape, to grasp her hand for an instant before she entered the labyrinth.

Conclusion: Life is full of partings and sorrow.

Observed: A security guard who took his job seriously, and stopped to carefully read each boarding pass, to look into the eyes of even the co-workers he knew and to check it against their security badges, resulting in many grumbling travellers and a painfully slow progress toward the shoe-removing, metal-discarding ritual of the secuity checkpoint.

Conclusion: Those who work hardest to ensure our safety are least appreciated.

Observed: When I get up too early in the morning, I wake up either cranky or philosophical.

Conclusion: Today it's the latter.

our new pet

There's this stray cat who has been hanging around our house the last couple of days. It's skin, bones and fur. Last night we came home to find it curled up on our front porch. This morning it stood mournfully at our back door.

Krista mentioned that maybe we should start to feed it, because it seems clear that it has been abandoned, and no one else is caring for it. So tonight I went out back and found it curled up next to our house. I gave it some chicken and a bowl of milk. It purred at me and then went back to its spot.

I told the kids tonight that the cat would be our cat now, but that it has to live outside. Tomorrow we'll try to get it a "cat house" or something, but that they would need to name the cat.

They came up with a name in about ten seconds: Lucy Amber Kristina Macy Mikalatos. We'll call her "Lucy Amber" for short.

Favorite Moments with My Mormon Friends, Part One

Elder M: Have you ever read the Book of Mormon?

Me: Parts of it. A long time ago.

Elder M: How did you feel as you read it?

Me: I'm going to be honest, but I don't want to offend you. Is that okay?

Elder M: Yes.

Me: Well, I'm a writer. And I have to say that most of the time I was reading the Book of Mormon I was distracted by the way that it appeared that someone was trying to copy the style of the King James Bible--

D (the woman who hosts the elders in our neighborhood): We read from the King James Bible, you know.

Me: I know. What I'm saying is that I was distracted by the fact that it seemed that the style of the Book of Mormon was like someone trying to copy King James English, but not doing a great job of it.

Elder M: You're getting at how there are errors in grammar, things like that. You know, Joseph Smith only had an eighth grade education at the time he translated the Book of Mormon.

Me: How did he translate it exactly?

Elder M: He had two artifacts --

Me: The urim and thummim or something, right?

Elder M: Right. Then God supernaturally translated it, and Joseph Smith told people what to write down.

Me: So you're saying that God basically dictated the translation to Joseph Smith.

Elder M: That's right.

Me: So all the grammar mistakes, those would be God's grammar mistakes?

(A long silence.)

Elder M: That's right.

(I look to Elder J for help. He looks skeptical that the grammar mistakes could be God's grammar mistakes.)

Elder J: That's a good question.

Holy Spirit, get ready... FIGHT!

I had a great conversation with the neighborhood missionaries for the Latter Day Saints today. Man, I had a good time.

My favorite moment is when one of the poor young elders told me that the reason that the Book of Mormon reads like second-rate King James is that God supernaturally translated it and he just wanted all the bad grammar and poor style included. Ha ha ha. Good one!

More to come later....

p.s. there wasn't really any fighting. Mostly asking questions. I did take a brief moment to explain to them why Moses and Elijah appeared on the Mount of Transfiguration and then asked why, of all people, Peter, James and John came to bestow the priesthood on Joseph Smith.

delayed reaction

Me: I think I'm sick.

A: Maybe it's because you ate some eggs.

Me: I didn't eat any eggs.

A: Didn't your food on the plane touch some eggs?

Me: That was ten days ago.

A: Aren't you allerigic to eggs?

Questions about ice skating

I took Z to her ice skating lessons tonight, and it left me with many questions.

What is going on with those kids who pull on some sort of nylons over their skates? What is the benefit in that? Or is it just a style thing?

How does a zamboni work exactly? Does it really have to be that big? Who came up with that name and what does it mean? Is that Italian or what?

Is my child destined for greatness? Is it normal that she should fall down so rarely? Should I have enrolled her in ice skating lessons at age 18 months to guarantee her spot in the olympics?

Whose idea was it to have metal bleachers in an ice skating rink? Do they want the parents to freeze their patookies? Is this a scam to sell some sort of seat warmers?

The Butterbean Story (parts 1-3) by A

Once upon a time there was once a little butter bean. It made its way to Lookout Bridge. And there's a huge sunshine beam. Look out for more butter bean in Butter Bean 2.

Butterbean Part Two. Once there was a little brean. And it made lots of trouble. Today we're telling about how all the butterbeans get stuck in a crayon. It was a giant one all of them were in. The queen said, "Butterbean, if you can get us out we can go back to our own world." Look out for more butterbean in Butterbean Part Three.

Butterbean Part Three. Today we're talking about how Butterbean saved all the butterbeans. "Butterbean, use the loopdiloop to get us all out of here," said the queen. Butterbean world is in this big house that all the butterbeans live in. Let me tell you how big the house is. It's 25 butterbeans long and there's 25 butterbeans. Look out for more butterbean in Butterbean Part Four.

To be continued....

Calvinball (Part Two)

Today we returned to the grade school for a kickball rematch. This time the teams started out as me and the kids versus Krista and Shasta. All was going well at first. I kicked one waaaaay out into the outfield and we scored three runs. But then the outs started piling up. And then it was Krista and Shasta's turn to kick. Krista said, "Let's make Matt run!" and they started kicking the ball ridiculously far. Z soldiered on, but A defected to the Ladies Team.

Fortunately for me, the Ladies Team decided to head home early to make dinner for us (barbecued salmon and mashed potatoes and I'm not sure what other tasty surprises they may be serving up for us).

On the way home we saw our neighbors who had been in the street altercation in September, which had ended with me on the sidewalk while a police officer held an assault rifle pointed in my direction. As we stood there, the neighbors they had been fighting with drove by and she waved to them. I asked if they had become friends and she said, "This is the first time I've seen them since the fight. I'm hoping if I act nice there won't be trouble." I shrugged. "Also, they were so drunk I'm not sure they remember what happened."

Garfield Minus Garfield

A friend sent me this link for "Garfield Minus Garfield"... a website where someone takes the daily Garfield strip and removes the fat cat. Turns out it's funnier that way.

Calvinball

I came home from South Carolina today, and it's great to be back with my family. The kids wanted to ride their bikes to the grade school, so off we went. Z started talking about how much she loves P.E. at school, so Krista started telling A all about kickball. So we decided to give it a try.

Although I gave a valiant effort at teaching the children kickball, all I really taught them was a mild version of Calvinball.

Some of today's rules included: Daddy has to walk when he kicks the ball. If one of the kids can't find the base (we were using bits of trash we found in the field), then I couldn't tag them until they found it, it took one "out" for me to stop kicking, but they got four outs.

P.S. Krista was worried when I saw this post that I was going to be talking about Calvinism. Calvinism Ball, in my opinion, is much less fun. It has many of the same rules as kickball, but everyone gets together and decides the outcome before they play.

Bloggerific

The wonderful thing about bloggers
is bloggers are wonderful things
they drink their coffee from mug-gers
they like to lay on bed springs.

Bloggers are cuddly fellas
bloggers are awfully sweet
everyone else is jealous
they never stand up on their feet!

they're moggy, loggy, doggy, bloggy
fun fun fun fun
but the most wonderful thing about bloggers
is I'm the only one!

Ooooooooh Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm the only one!