Places Where My Toothpaste Has Traveled, And Where It Now Rests

"Sir, you're going to have to check that."

Until yesterday, I had a 4.1 ounce tube of Colgate toothpaste. I had taken this particular tube of toothpaste to San Diego, East Asia, San Francisco and then to Spokane without any trouble, and through many airline security checkpoints. No one in the TSA complained about this, my 4.1 ounce tube of toothpaste, which I dutifully bagged in a quart sized baggie and pulled out for the TSA to inspect at every stop along the way.

Until yesterday, when the TSA lady in Spokane pulled my baggie out, gave me the "What are you trying to pull?" squint and said, "Sir, this is a 4.1 ounce tube of toothpaste and TSA guidelines state that you can only have 3.4 ounce containers of toothpaste. Would you like to surrender your toothpaste or go check your bag?"

I did not want to surrender my toothpaste. As I said, it had traveled around with me quite a bit and I was feeling attached to it. So I asked her what it would look like for me to check my bag. She patiently explained that I would be escorted out of the secure zone and allowed to go check my bag and then go through security again. Sigh. Adios, pasta dentifrica.


I know this TSA agent was just doing her job (and I'm glad the TSA is doing their job), but it made me mad. I mean, why can't toothpaste companies make 3.4 ounce containers? And if they do, why doesn't my grocery store carry them? Am I really putting the nation at risk with an extra 7 ounces of toothpaste? And why doesn't it count that I had used at least seven ounces of toothpaste already?

AND ESPECIALLY: Why is it that one of my traveling companions, who was directly in front of me in line and who didn't take her toothpaste out of her bag, and WHO HAD A FULL-SIZED TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE in her bag allowed to keep hers? Am I being profiled? Should I have left my tube of toothpaste in my bag instead of taking it out? Is the TSA lady brushing her teeth with my toothpaste right now? Is it true that Crest is less likely to be noticed or confiscated by the TSA?

In the meantime, I guess it's back to filling my depleted three ounce tubes with a giant 97 ounce tube from Costco.

Poor Baby Has Jet Lag

I took this video when we got back from Florida. The baby was having a hard time. Krista and I always try to explain to people how to deal with kids who are going through jet lag, but the fact is they are just saying exactly what everyone else is feeling. Baby M cried the first time I showed her this video, but this morning she laughed at it so I decided it's fair game to share on the internet:

Travel Tips With Matt

Since summer is rapidly approaching, I thought it might be time for some travel tips. It's been some time since I shared any, so here are a few:

1) Cell phone signals are completely designed to drive people mad. They say, "Oh, I have four bars" or "I have full bars." Yeah, right. It doesn't matter. The phone still won't be able to make a call. A raincloud will block the magic wireless signal. A raccoon will sneeze and distract the Cell Phone technology. The only way that cell phone companies make full bars is when they drive people to drink. TIP: Be sure to write an angry letter to your phone company before you travel, then you can sign and send it in at your leisure.

2) It's really hard to tell how nice a hotel is online. Especially if by nice you mean "clean, no bed bugs, under $100". You might, for instance, arrive at your hotel to discover that it's in the back of a parking lot behind "Romantix Erotic Toys" and "Lotty's Restaurant, Lounge, and Liquor Store." You might also discover that the NO SMOKING signs on your floor are largely ignored. On the bright side, there are no bed bugs (you can check this by lifting the sheets and looking for tiny pinprick blood stains on the mattress). TIP: Bolt the door.

3) If the Department of Transportation thinks to install a permanent sign that says "Severe Weather Warning Next 20 Miles" you should expect to experience some severe weather. Don't say things like, "I think we're going to beat the storm" when you see the cinematically dramatic black clouds zeroing in on you. Also, when the HAIL starts to beat your car like a drum at mile 21, realize that this is because you said you were going to beat the storm. TIP: When the visibility drops to two feet because of the thick hail and the road is flooded and you can't see the dividing lines on the road anymore, feel free to roll down your window if it helps you to see better. DO NOT however, stick your face out the window, especially if you are going 75 MPH. This will hurt.

4) I understand the deeply felt need to go to a gas station that has a name like "SMOKER'S FRIEND." But you should know in your heart that it will not be worth it. TIP: If a surly attendant comes over to pump your gas or something, don't say, "Hey, a good slogan for your gas station would be LIGHT UP BEFORE YOU FILL UP." He is cranky enough already.

Concerning Books and Travel

I have an almost neurotic need to make sure I have enough books when I travel. Which means that I always have too many books with me, which I lug around in my backpack. When I'm packing I know I have too many books, but I can't help it. I want to have all the books along just in case I'm in the mood for one over the other.

Here's what I took with me to San Francisco:

1) The Bible. Pretty much a given here, folks, but thought I'd mention it. It is, after all, a book.

2) John Scalzi's The Ghost Brigades. Basic plot: in the far flung future, humans fight every race of aliens they come across.

3) P.D. James' Death of An Expert Witness. Basic plot: Adam Dalgliesh solves a mystery. James consistently catches the truth of human nature in her mysteries, and she's an excellent writer, as well. I'm looking forward to reading this.

4) D.A. Carson's A Call to Spiritual Reformation. Carson uses the prayers of Paul to make conclusions about prayer and theology. I thought there were some valuable insights in this book, though I honestly disliked several of the later chapters. I had to read this for our seminary class, so it was homework, really.

5) Evelyn Underhill's Mystics of the Church. I snagged this from Carolyn's house. This book is basically a history course, taking you through the differnt mystic traditions within the Christian church. It's great reading, actually, and the introduction clearly expressed and described some things from my own experience that I felt encouraged to see others have also experienced in the past.

All in all, too many books for such a short trip. Now I have to go unpack them into the monstrous pile of books beside my bed....

Concerning Selfish First Class Passengers

Krista and I were upgraded into first class on our flight home today. Which has a few advantages, although on a short flight like ours it means you get to drink your ice water out of a glass instead of a plastic cup.

One of the things you'll notice if you ride in first class is that some of the passengers are big jerks. Often this is how they made enough money to ride in first class. Not all first class passengers are this way, of course. But SOMETIMES some mean old man might stand up when it's time to get off the plane and box you in so that you can't move and then put his arm out in front of your wife and block her way so that he can get off the plane before her. Because, you know, being the sixth person off the plane is not good enough for him. And then, as if to prove that he is a complete control-freak idiot he gets off the plane and then stops to tie his shoe and maybe you and your wife pass him.

I know you might find this sort of behavior intimidating, so I've included below a few tips for dealing with those nasty first class customers:

1) If you encounter an aggressive customer in seats 1A or 1B, stare him down, as these are the worst seats and the passenger is actually a "coach" passenger who has been upgraded. If they are in another seat, avoid their gaze at all costs.

2) In both cases, back away slowly; don't run.

3) If you stumble, run and climb a tree. The more aggressive first class passengers are too obese to climb trees.

4) If these tips don't seem to be working, try to stand still until they forget about you.

Toothpaste

I travel a lot, as you know. And now that you can only carry on 3 oz. of toothpaste, Colgate wants you to buy lots of little tubes of toothpaste.

Unless you can refill them yourself at home. Which is what I do. You are thinking, "Matt, that sounds cheap and unnecessary." To which I can only say, I am also cheap. And possibly unnecessary.

Here are some tips:

1) Despite your initial inclination, DO NOT blow into the little empty tube of toothpaste, thinking it will make it easier to get toothpaste into it. You will be able to "fill" the tube, but the air inside the tube will cause it to violently shoot out, like a volcano. I could explain to you why this happens, but I'm worried that you "don't have the math" to understand. Okay. I don't have the math either. Something about pressure and physics and such. Just trust me on this.

2) Push your tubes together.

3) SQUEEZE. I find that although I am a "flatten from the bottom" toothpaste user, that for this purpose, "Squish in the middle" works better.

4) DON'T try to fill your tube too full (i.e. as full as you would if you bought it new). This is a pointless exercise in frustration.

5) Screw the cap back on.

6) Remember that you can take more than one 3 oz. tube if you are a heavy toothpast user.

Feel free to write for more pointers if this isn't clear enough.

Frequent Flier Perks

I was flying "Ted" yesterday. One of the flight attendants told me that because I was a Premiere Executive I was allowed to call it a "Theodore" flight.

But I decided not to do that.

Ode To Sleep

Jet lag creates an insatiable desire for sleep. Tonight, as Krista and I made our bed, I found myself thinking inwardly, "Ahhhh, it will be nice to curl up beneath these sheets and sleep tonight." A basic thankfulness for sleep comes upon you.

It would be, I think, an appropriate time to write odes to sleep, to sing songs about one's pillow, to recite stirring speeches about the glories of a well-earned rest at the end of an inevitably too-long day.

So, I have written you all a poem entitled,

"A Limmerick Ode To Sleep, Written Upon My Return from Thailand, and Which I Find Both Clever and Immensely Funny Due At Least Partially to The Length of the Limmerick's Title, and Partially, No Doubt, To My Lack of Sleep."

When I get back into town
from flying the world all around
I prop up my eyes
and of sleep fantasize
on a bed, or a couch or the ground!

International Bathrooms

Two thought about bathrooms from today's travel. For those of you unable to discuss "the powder room" dispassionately and with a calm stomach, abandon ye this post now.

Bangkok. A sign beside the toilet said, in English, "Do not place tissues in the flush toilet." I thought about this for a long time, trying to discover the intended meaning of this sign. A small wastebasket beside the toilet implied that I was not meant to put used toilet paper in the toilet. I have been in countries where this was the case, so this could be true. However, in the rest of Thailand I had thrown such waste into the toilet with impunity. It could be that the toilets at the Bangkok airport have been a source of major controversy and perhaps do not work correctly. But then I thought it might be referring to tissue paper, meaning "kleenex"... I don't know why they would care, but I am a cultural outsider, aren't I? In the end, I used the small wastebasket for the toilet paper and hoped that this would not be an unpleasant surprise for some poor Thai lady.

Tokyo. A quick stop in the restroom of the airport lounge revealed a clean stall that smelled as if some fellow traveller might have exploded in it. As I stood debating whether or not I could hold my breath long enough to fulfill my intestinal purposes, I noticed an electrical outlet next to the toilet. Above it stood a small table, apparently meant for... a laptop computer? Could this be? Do people really need to check their email or blog from the toilet? There is wireless in here -- I mean, in there. There is wireless in there.

Mikalatos Travel Tip #1

Never. never smell the free blanket on the airplane.