News From My Neighborhood

A Veritable Slip. Walking Z to school this morning I came across humanity's old foe... BLACK ICE! I stepped onto a manhole cover slick with it and immediately swapped the position of my head with that of my feet. Z sweetly asked me if I was okay, I told her I was, and then we paused and reflected on the impressive prat fall I had entertained us with. I told her it was a good thing we hadn't been holding hands, because she might have gone down with me. "No," she said, "I would have recovered and walked on."

HOW TO LOSE THIRTY POUNDS IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! Once a week or so I weigh myself (before my weekly shower). Today I was thrown off by the numbers... I had lost thirty pounds! This seemed not only irresponsible but also unlikely. I evaluated the scale to discover that a toy mermaid had slipped her tail under the scale. I removed her scaly backside and found that I had returned to my regular corpulent self. CLOSE ONE!

Your Dreams Really Can Come True. I had this dream last night that I stepped in a prodigious amount of dog poo and that I had to walk through all the neighbor's yards to try to get it off. I mentioned my dream to Krista and she asked if it was because of the entrance to the kids' school. In fact, I think that is precisely the reason. Some monstrous dog did its duty earlier in the week. Then the freezing weather and clouds came and covered it in snow. Then many school children walked over it. Then the rains came. Now there is a nasty mess that will not be easily cleaned that I have to walk past every day. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not Houdini Dog this time. It appears that it was Elephant Dog or Dinosaur Dog or one of their relatives. I would like them to get out of my dreams*.



* But not into my car.

Ice: Friend or Foe?

Z recently started ice skating lessons again. They make the kids wear bike helmets, which I suppose should be called ice-skating helmets for that half hour on the ice.

Not all the kids remember their helmets, though.

Last night I saw a kid take a dive on the ice. He landed forehead first on the ice. Much wailing and many tears followed. His parents tried to go out to him on the ice, but they were wearing flip flops. So instead they stood at the entrance to the rink and shouted encouraging messages. "It's okay, buddy!"

Eventually the instructors delivered the distraught ice victim to his parents.

Then his parents went and got some ice to put on his forehead.

Questions about ice skating

I took Z to her ice skating lessons tonight, and it left me with many questions.

What is going on with those kids who pull on some sort of nylons over their skates? What is the benefit in that? Or is it just a style thing?

How does a zamboni work exactly? Does it really have to be that big? Who came up with that name and what does it mean? Is that Italian or what?

Is my child destined for greatness? Is it normal that she should fall down so rarely? Should I have enrolled her in ice skating lessons at age 18 months to guarantee her spot in the olympics?

Whose idea was it to have metal bleachers in an ice skating rink? Do they want the parents to freeze their patookies? Is this a scam to sell some sort of seat warmers?

Yet another reason that Hollywood is full of it

Happy MLK day, everyone!

To honor the great man that this day is set aside to honor, we decided to take the kids out for a special outing.

ICE SKATING!

That's right. Ice skating.

I spent most of the time hoping not to A) Crush one of my children or B) Break an ankle.

And here's why Hollywood is full of it... they always make it look really romantic to go ice skating. You go down to Rockefeller Center, you fall in love, you skate around holding hands.

Here's what Krista said to me while we were skating: "I would hold your hand, but I'm afraid."