ATTEMPTED MURDER!

I saw this on the UFO Facebook site and I said I was going to rip it off. And I am a man of my word.

Kids are funny

Earlier this week I told my three year old it was time to go to bed. She started throwing a tantrum, which is not typical (evidence, I suppose, that she needed to go to bed). As I carried her up the stairs, she pulled her hand back to slap me and I quickly said, "No. You will not hit me." She put her hand down and started crying harder.

When we got to her room, I laid her in her bed and she started kicking and flailing. I told her I would go out in the hallway and she could call me in when she had calmed down. Pretty much immediately she started crying and calling, "Daddy, daddy, come hold me!" Which was sweet. So I did.

So, while I was laying there on her bed, with her arms wrapped around my neck, she started to relax and finally she said, "Daddy, I really want to hit you so bad. But I never want to hit you." Then she gave me a kiss.

This made me happy today

What do you think?

Wonderful Wednesday: Japanese Robot Battle Armor Car Thing

You know that here at BHR when I put up a "Wonderful Wednesday" post it's 65% likely that it will be something about Japan, the country most full of wonderful.

Today is one of those days!

The Dark Knight blows his cover

I can't believe I still haven't seen this movie.

Kids love giant pythons so much!

If you don't like snakes, you will not like this video.

Apparently this kid loves snakes a lot.

Invisible Mercedes is rad

Speaking of invisible vehicles, this was a really cool idea. Now I just need a bunch of LEDs and some cameras.



Also, if someone would like to donate a Mercedes, I would allow that.

God is not a white man

UFO Kickstarter Campaign

You may recall this announcement that I have an upcoming humorous short story about a down-on-his-luck vampire who is hired by a bunch of ignorant townsfolk to deal with their supernatural problems.

Well, now's your chance to pre-order the book and get lots of cool extras.

Alex Shvartzman, the editor of Unidentified Flying Objects just put up a Kickstarter campaign. You can preorder the book and get things like: free stories, a hardback copy of the book, editorial feedback on one of your own writing projects, dinner with the editor or a writing workshop with the editor, all depending on how much you pledge.

UFO has a story from Mike Resnick (one of the biggest award winners in the science fiction community) and stories from Nebula and Hugo award winning authors. And also me.

Anyway, check it out, and throw a couple of bucks into the campaign.

AND, if you would like to get a sneak preview of the stories, check out this story by Nebula Award nominated author Jake Kerr. It's a story about the Twitter feed on the day that aliens come to destroy the entire Earth (except for Canada).

Zhao's invisible bicycles!

I enjoyed this art project by Zhao Hausen where he's taking pictures of people commuting in China and then removing their bicycles from the picture.

Top 5 Posts in July

Here are the top five posts from last month. Kittens, groin punches, the Olympics and writing are all represented here, which is to say, it's a pretty typical month!

1. The Olympic hymn and performance that NBC thought that Americans shouldn't see.

2. The post where I get punched in the groin.

3. The post in which I reveal the excellent news about my new book, The Sword of Six Worlds!

4. The post linking to my article in this month's Relevant Magazine.

5. This video, in which my kids are teaching kittens to go down slides.

"A New Conversation"; Mark Charles responds to the US government apology to Native Americans

My friend Mark Charles posted this video this week, and I thought it was both insightful and moving.



You can find more information about the US government's apology to Native American peoples as well as info about the event Mark is hosting in D.C. this December on his website.

Abide With Me (Olympics opening ceremony, 2012)

I've not been watching the Olympics the last few days because I'm speaking at a high school camp and thus, no television. What I have been watching is everyone complaining about NBC and their coverage.

I was, however, shocked to hear that NBC cut the following (quite moving) song and performance in tribute to those "who are not able to be with us" at the Olympics this year. I thought both the hymn and the performance were beautiful.



What did NBC air instead of this? An interview between Ryan Seacrest and Michael Phelps. Because "that's what Americans want." I'm sorry, NBC, but maybe you're out of touch with what we want.

My kids teaching kittens to go down the slide

We recently got three kittens. The kids named them Blizzard (he looked white when we first got him, but he's quickly turning orange), Raven (because you should always name at least one of your cats after a bird) and Sweetie (because a three year old was involved in the naming).

The kids are pretty dedicated to the idea that their kittens should be trained. So, using a regimen largely involving kitty treats and sticks, the kids have taught their kittens to climb the stairs of the slides in our back yard and then slide down.

See for yourself:



The cats do this gladly, and will even wait in line on the ladder (at least for a minute or so). I have more videos to share with you, but I'm having trouble getting them off my phone and onto the computer. I'll try to put them up later this week!

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES takes over my blog's traffic statistics

I just noticed this today.

Banksy Vs. The London Olympics

If you've been around here for a while you know that I'm a fan of the renowned street artist Banksy.

Banksy has recently hit the streets of London, making some art for the London Olympics. The only problem is that the London Olympics has pronounced that all graffiti will be done away with before the games.

You can see more of Banksy's work here.

But don't worry, if London paints over Banksy's street art, we'll still have the London games mascots:

Okay, the mascots are weird. But they've also shown support of graffiti art in the past.

Anyway. If you see some Banksy about to be painted over, go ahead and chip it off the wall and send it to me.

Dreams: Monster vs. Robot

I had a dream last night that there was an entire industry built around this one very successful concept of giant robots and monsters fighting each other. But instead of being like the (current) Japanese stories in which this is a sort of science fiction/action concept, these were all written as tragedies. Everyone would weep when the monster was beaten back into the sea by the giant robot, or if the robot was defeated, it would create a cultural talking point about the sadness that these robots and monsters must keep fighting one another. They had movies, comics and novels about these emotionally-laden battles.

And then my kid woke me up to make some cereal for her. And here I am.

Imaginary Jesus Stage Play coming this fall!

Krista and I will be attending opening night at the Mustard See Theatre in St. Louis! Hope to see you there!

Wonderful Wednesday: Best Moonwalking Ever*

*Except for people who actually walked on the moon.

New Short Story Coming this Fall!

I sold a short story last week to an upcoming anthology called Unidentified Funny Objects! UFO is a collection of humorous science fiction and fantasy releasing this October or November.

I'm pretty excited about this story and the collection, which you can see has a story by Mike Resnick in it! Neat!

My story is called "The Working Stiff"and it's about a down-on-his-luck vampire, his back-talking thrall and the town that hires them to take care of their supernatural pest problem.

It's My Birthday!

And since it's my birthday I can do whatever I want. It's a rule in our family. A rule which I instated one year... ON MY BIRTHDAY.

What I want to do this year is make this announcement about my next book.

What's that, you say? You didn't know I had another book coming out?

Yeah, well, that's why I'm announcing it of course! I haven't been talking about it much, but I've been working with my publisher, editing the book and generally getting ready. It comes out this Fall, probably in early September. I'll be giving you more details (publisher name, exact release date, etc.) in the near future.

If you're a long time minion here at BHR you've already heard me talk about it... it's a fantasy novel I wrote for my kids called The Sword of Six Worlds and here's the cover:

In any case, if all goes well and we hit certain sales numbers, there will be sequels. So GET READY! Because it's my birthday and I say so!

Updates to come (eventually) at SIXWORLDS.COM!

My article in Relevant Magazine

It's been uncharacteristically quiet around here, but that doesn't mean I haven't been writing (wait, was that too many negatives in one sentence?).

In fact, if you're wishing you had a little something to read from yours truly, check out this month's issue of Relevant Magazine. I was glad to see the cover article was about the Avett Brothers, a band I enjoy and listen to regularly, and inside (in fact right next to my own article!) was an article about Of Monsters and Men. Nice!

You can see the article online as well right about here (half of it's behind the subscription wall).

Anyway, I have a few other writing announcements coming out this week... keep your eyes peeled (ew, gross) for further announcements.

STINT team leaders training

Starting tonight, people start trickling into town for our STINT team leader's training. STINT is the international intern program for Cru, the organization I work for!

It's pretty cool that we get to host it here in Portland this year. Looking forward to a fun time!

The Higgs Boson explained

You probably heard this week that the "Higgs boson" has been all-but-proven to exist, which is pretty cool. Unless you have no idea what that means. In which case it's completely shrug-worthy. I thought a few of you out there might enjoy seeing this video done a while back, which explains the Higgs boson in a fun, accessible way. Enjoy!


The Higgs Boson Explained from PHD Comics on Vimeo.

Teaching your kids what is funny

Last week my 2 year old came up, punched me in the crotch and shouted, "KNOCK KNOCK!"

I can see that she gets her sense of humor from her father.

Ha ha ha! Whoooo is there?

I know you're excited to go see Spider-Man!

Maybe this will tide you over. Also, extra fun stuff for fans of Freaks and Geeks!

Can't Wait for the Movies: Spider-Man from Samm Levine      

SAM THE AMERICAN EAGLE PRESENTS: Stars and Stripes Forever!

Happy fourth of July! Have a great day!

NOT a pattern in the leaves

My almost-three-year-old was falling asleep in bed the other night and asked me to come lay beside her, which I did. It was dusk, and the maple tree outside her window nearly completely fills the view. She looked out the window and said quietly, "There's a ghost out there."

I didn't say anything, and she said it again. "I can see its eyes." She looked at me for a minute, then back out the window. "It's wearing glasses."

I said, "It's probably just a pattern in the leaves."

She said, "It's not a pattern in the leaves! I can see its eyes! I can see its glasses!"

"Do you want me to close the shades?"

"No."

Apparently it wasn't scary. I'm not sure what she was talking about. But she rolled over and said under her breath, "NOT a pattern in the leaves."

This song has been stalking me

I don't mind, though, because I enjoy it pretty well.

Also, this is rad:

seriously

I can't believe President Obama has the time to make music videos

President Obama lip synching to "Call Me Maybe." Ha ha ha. Oh, pop culture, I think I love you most of all.

If you hate clowns, you'll love this

Remember when The Batman was hilarious? Ah, the good old days. NOW DANCE, BATMAN, DANCE!

Today is the first day of the Portals Writers Conference

Hey friends... today I'll be at the Portals Writers Conference at Corban University in Oregon.

I'll be teaching three workshops over the next couple of days. Here are the descriptions:

The Launchpad: How to Get Started Writing Your Fiction Project

Come to this class for a fun, interactive time designed to help you start a story (or novel, or screenplay, or whatever) and get it finished. In addition to learning an easy structure to jump start almost any story, we'll also produce some "flash fiction" in class, meaning that you'll end the day with a complete first draft of a story. If we have time and feel devious enough, we'll explore how to create realistic dialogue and human interactions by experimenting on your friends and family. Moowhahahahahaaa!

Embracing Your Inner Weird: How To Write What You Love and Still Get Published

Plenty of people will tell you to study publishing trends and write what sells. Matt Mikalatos will share how to study yourself, write what you love and sell that instead. As a professional author who has sold a novel about Jesus, talking donkeys and atheists ("Imaginary Jesus") and one about vampires, zombies and Christian living ("Night of the Living Dead Christian"), Matt know what he's talking about and is passionate about helping others get professionally published.

A third possibility (or I can repeat one of the ones above):

Destroying Writer's Block

Here's a secret: Writer's block is a myth. Come to this seminar to learn how to get unstuck, destroy writer's block and move forward in your fiction. We'll discuss how to "write your way" out of a jam using brute force, how to take detours around your writer's block, and the disciplines that can help you crawl over and out of writer's block every time.

It's not too late to come by. I hope to see some of you there!

Wonderful Wednesday: An Ode to the Human Brain

I wish the world was like this, where even the stuffiest scientists would suddenly burst into song when talking about things they're passionate about. Thank you, Autotune!

I totally stole this from Luc Reid's website.

That's pretty much the definition of disappointment

Yesterday I took my kids to the dentist.

"I see five cavities, nurse. Write that down."

For some reason my 2-year-old, M, seemed really excited about this, happily getting dressed, eating her breakfast and generally being antsy to get out the door.

On the way to the dentist, one of the other girls said something about going to the dentist to get their teeth looked at, and M said, "We're going to the circus!"

Apparently she didn't remember what the dentist was, and thought we were going to the circus. Needless to say, she cried when we got there.

I'm a bad father

My 2 year old came up to me today. There were three comic books sitting nearby. She pointed at the one I had in my hand and said, "That's Spider-Man."

I was shocked. I couldn't remember showing her anything about Spider-Man.

I held up a picture of Superman. "Do you know who this is?"

 She said, "Dunno."

 I showed her a picture of Batman. "Do you know who this is?"

"Dunno."

It's time to set up a superhero classroom around here.

This would also be a cool way to get engaged

But wouldn't it be cooler to get engaged to a guy who could fly and bend steel? I mean, maybe this girl should hold out....

Wonderful Wednesday: Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" on ukulele

I know you need this today. Jake Shimabukuro (ukelele player supreme) playing Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" on his ukelele. It's pretty amazing. And Jake clearly loves playing, as you can tell by the look on his face while he plays!

"WE ARE YOUNG" and why old people shouldn't try to fake it

Yesterday, on the way to drop my nine-year-old, A, off at swimming, we heard the song "We Are Young" by Fun. playing on the radio. If you're unfamiliar with the song, here it is:



During the song A asked me: Why do they keep saying "We are young"?

Me: Well, you know, when you are young you want to get older, but when you get old you want to get younger. So they're saying, like, tonight they're young (or are pretending to be young, or wishing they are young) and so they're going to go crazy and set the world on fire, try to change it and then they're going to be so amazing and full of glory that they'll shine bright as the sun and everyone will want to look at them.

A: That's dumb. Because if they burn too bright everyone will just shield their eyes and say, "AAAAH ALL THOSE OLD PEOPLE ARE SHINING TOO BRIGHT!"

Me: ....

Anyway. Today. I am old. So I'll let the whole world smolder til she gets older and joins the fold.

LATER:

A: Dad, can you get senior discounts yet?

Me: No!

A: But I thought you were 47 years old?

Me: What?! No!

Most popular posts from May

It's JUNE! I can't believe it. Well, okay, I guess I can believe it. But still, that was fast. Here are the top six posts at BHR last month:

#1 Ridiculous One Star Review of Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are. If you didn't like this one you can go to bed without any dinner.

#2 The most elaborate and lovely marriage proposal ever captured on film. Not that it rivals my own, in which SCUBA-diving villains attacked us on a beach, I beat them up with awesome kung fu and then took a ring in a waterproof bag off their machine-gun toting bodies. But it was pretty good anyway.

#3 Mixed Messages. In which my children are told by their teacher to eat healthy while the PTA collects soda and promises ice cream parties. If you didn't like this post, chances are you were skipping dinner anyway to eat chocolate bars.

#4 How the Avengers Should Have Ended. In which we learn that if you do something REALLY REALLY good like saving the Earth, you shall be rewarded with shwarma for dinner.

#5 In which we meld the Avengers and Maurice Sendak, creating a unified whole. It's the cuteness of justice!

BONUS: JEDI KITTENS LIGHTSABER DUEL! Bad kitties!

Tasty baby zebras at the Portland zoo

My kids are going to the zoo with their Aunt Dawn this morning, and they are Very Excited.  A skirmish broke out about whether or not the Portland Zoo has lions. It does. To prove it, I dressed each of the kids as a different animal from the African savannah. Special thanks for the idea to Jack the Baby Zebra!

The Dark Knight Rises (as portrayed by hot dogs)

Here's a complete re-shot of The Dark Knight Rises trailer, except all the people have been replaced with hot dogs.



I can't wait to see the feature length event this summer.

How the Avengers Should Have Ended

Hey, since we talked about Spider-Man this morning, why not make it a SUPERHERO MOVIE day here at BHR?

Here's a very funny look at what SHOULD have happened at the end of The Avengers. If you haven't already seen the movie there are some spoilers here.

Four Minute Spider-Man reboot preview

I've had mild feelings of uncertainty about the summer reboot of the amazing Spider-Man. This four minute preview made me excited. Especially the part with the bridge and the kid!

Wonderful Wednesday: Beautiful, funny lip sync marriage proposal

Here's a beautifully done marriage proposal lip sync. It would be nice to know when your boyfriend proposes that at least 60 people think it's a good idea.

.

 I guess the song is from singer "Bruno Mars." And I looked up the lyrics and, just as I suspected, it's not "Dancing Jews" it's "dancing juice." Which makes about 3% more sense, I guess. Regardless... pretty awesome.

Dreaming of super powers

The other night I had a dream that my super powers finally kicked in. I felt relieved rather than surprised.

I knew intuitively that I should keep them a secret. Super strength was the first thing to kick in and kept asking, "Where's my spider sense? When I will be able to crawl on walls?" But no dice. Only super strength.

Then this weird guy with long, stringy hair started hanging around all the time, trying to take pictures of me. He kept asking me if I had powers and I kept telling him now... right up until the time he hit me with a car and pinned me to the pavement with his car. My upper torso was sticking out from under the driver's side of his car. He rolled down his window and said, "Are you sure you don't have any powers?"

"That's it," I said, and then I yanked myself out from under the car, crumpled the car door with my bare hands, yanked it off and then grabbed the guy and threw him over the building in front of us. I figured that was the last of him.

But then, when I was at my friend's party a couple of days later, he showed up and got a picture of me with some weird camera. I could tell it was sending the information somewhere else, not just a local camera (Spider-sense?). He gave me a creepy grin and he said, "I have powers, too. You're going to have do more than throw me over a building."

Then I woke up.

Next time I see that guy, I promise you, he's going to get more than thrown over a building. I'm not going to wait around and ask him questions, either. That guy is officially banned from my interacting in my dream time.

James Bond "Skyfall" trailer

Here's the first trailer for the new James Bond movie, "Skyfall", which comes out this November. As for plot, all we know at this point is that there are some bad guys and James Bond, um, fights them. It doesn't matter. We're all going to go see it anyway.

What if Wes Anderson wrote and directed the new Spider-Man movie?

Then I guess I would go see it. Try to deny that this is awesome:

20 minutes worth of excellent writing advice from Neil Gaiman

Here is twenty minutes of great advice on writing, art and life from acclaimed author and comic book writer, Neil Gaiman.

. via GalleyCat

Wonderful Wednesday: 60,000 dominoes! Rad!

Mixed Messages

Last week I got this flyer from my daughter's classroom which said:

There's a reason we don't put these foods next to each other.
The donuts always win.

"We are beginning our health unit where we will focus on the food pyramid, healthy eating and healthy living."

Parents were encouraged to sign up to bring in healthy snacks. My daughter was asked what she had for breakfast (a bowl of cereal) and told it wasn't a healthy breakfast (thanks a lot, teacher, that's exactly the sort of help we need at home)*.

Also last week, from the PTA, I received this flyer:

"SODA POP AND LITTLE DEBBIE SNACK CAKE CONTEST"

Students are encouraged to bring in 6 and 12 packs of soda and the class which brings in the most will be rewarded with an ICE CREAM PARTY.

*I will point out that Rice Chex don't have a lot of sugar in them. I told my daughter to tell her teacher that we live on Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

Revolution

I've been waiting for a television show to come along and replace LOST. I still remember watching the first episode and being pleasantly surprised by how great it was. Could this new show, Revolution, be the long awaited replacement? Probably not. But it looks good enough that I'll try it!

Cute!

What if the Avengers were drawn by Maurice Sendak? Art by Hannah Friederichs!

Wonderful Wednesday: Awesome WW2 story about a trumpet and a German sniper

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One star reviews for Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar

If you're like me, Eric Carle painted paper animals into your childhood. I always liked the very hungry caterpillar, who ate his way through leaves, apples, pie, pizza, ice cream and so on before spinning a cocoon and becoming a butterfly. One of the things that interested me most was the fact that each page had a small hole in it for the caterpillar to go through. I always thought that was neat.

BUT NOT NEAT ENOUGH TO PREVENT ONE STAR REVIEWS ON AMAZON!

That's right kids, it's time for Ridiculous One Star Reviews of Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar !

First, a one star review from Libby O'Connor of Borneo! She has this to say:

A beautifully illustrated book based on poor scientific knowledge. Butterflies do not come from cocoons - moths do. When butterfly caterpillars pupate, they do not spin silk to make a cocoon. If you want your child to learn inaccurate science, use this book with them.

Great point, Libby! Another scientific inaccuracy: Caterpillars don't eat hot dogs! They have more than six feet (or less than six feet? Do they have feet?)! They don't have green eyes! Or noses? It's like this book isn't even designed to be a science text! RIDICULOUS! MY CHILDREN SHALL NEVER SEE THIS! I suppose they'll have to be satisfied with the Darwin's Origin of the Species pop up book I bought for them.

Whew. I can see Libby's point. Let's move on to S. Dragun of the good old U.S.A. and see what he has to say!

With "a Very Hungry Caterpillar", I was expecting something alot more grand given all the raving reviews and positive aggregate. 

What I got instead was a book that failed to satisfy any of the senses or tastes of the refined individual. 

The plot was much too simplistic, and offered nothing to those looking forward to a daring plot on metamorphic themes and evolution between various stages of life. instead, the writing style was atrocious, most likely to appeal to a sophomoric audience, and the novel began as soon as it ended. 

As far as the illustrations, they seem to be little more than paper mache and have no real skill or artistic merit. I have seen better drawings from a child, and drawings that carried more of a better synthesis between plot and picture. 

If you are a more mature reader and are actually looking for a decent work of fiction, I highly recommend Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis.

Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Nice one! S. Dragun, I like you. I suppose next week will have to be one star reviews of Kafka's Metamorphosis. Which, I think Libby would like to point out, is not a scientifically accurate description of cockroaches or Russia.


And now, our last review, slightly edited to make it family friendly for all those families who like to sit around the breakfast table, reading my blog aloud over the roar of Rice Krispies. This one comes from the infamous "A Customer." 

This book has to be one of the greatest sagas ever told, the story of a caterpillar who eats his way to becoming a beautiful butterfly. I think it's a story we can all relate to. 

I'm going to give it one star anyway because I just stubbed my toe really hard and d*** it, I blame this book.

I'm giving a one star review to every book in my house. Especially the ones in my kids' room. 


Alright, everyone, that brings us to the end of another week's Ridiculous Reviews on Amazon. If you're still hungry for more, feel free to chomp your way right through a whole series of Ridiculous Reviews! 

Famous Star Wars Kisses

Here's one of the most famous Star Wars kisses, when Han Solo and Princess Leia kiss in the underground rebel base on the ice planet Hoth. She kissed him and everything, but she made it clear along the way that she would rather kiss a wookie.

It appears that she knew what she was talking about:

Awww, here she's getting a kiss from Lando Calrissian. Okay, okay, that's enough.

Oh yeah, here's a famous moment, too, where Leia passionately kisses her brother to make her future boyfriend jealous. So jealous.

It also led to this awkward family moment on the new Death Star:

Basically, the point is that I'm not sure there are enough women to go around in the Star Wars universe.

But I'm sure Lucas can change it and update it in the next version of Star Wars. I hear there are a lot of changes coming, which should be fun!

Mother's Day today....

Today was, as I'm sure you know, Mother's Day.

Krista's mom and dad were here for the weekend, and my parents came over this morning and Z made red velvet waffles for everyone. Then, while everyone went to church I stayed home and got the house cleaned up and made lunch (largely based around an authentic Italian recipe and wine recommendations from our friends Sean and Shandra Galloway -- Shandra should be updating her blog with recipes soon, and I'll put a link). This pretty much exhausted everyone, but we had just enough strength to sing happy birthday to my brother-in-law Kevin and eat some ice cream cake.

Thanks, mom, for being a great mom. I can't complain a bit about your excellent mothering skills, which is, I'm sure, a sign that I've grown up and you did well. I'm thankful for you and all that you've taught me.

Now the kids are off cleaning their rooms (or are wise enough not not to surface so we can make sure they're cleaning their rooms, at least) and I've got M in the tub. Pretty soon we're going to wrap up the day by watching the next episode of the BBC's Sherlock Holmes, which should be a nice way to close things out. In honor of that excellent show, here's a picture of an otter who looks like Benedict Cumberbach.

My friend Sarah "Shmoopios" Cheung sent these along, and you can see the whole hilarious series of pictures here. Our day was quick and

Sheeped Away

My (almost) three-year-old, M, came across this video today (while surfing YouTube... I need to put some serious web blockers on our computers) and then she watched it over and over and over, laughing hysterically every time. Enjoy:

Jedi Kittens lightsaber duel: GO!

If you've ever wanted to see kittens fight each other with lightsabers, this is your lucky day.

 

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star Reviews for Maurice Sendak's "Where The Wild Things Are."

You probably heard the sad news yesterday that the beloved children's author, Maurice Sendak, passed away at the age of 83. Best known for his fantastic children's books, especially Where the Wild Things Are, which won the Caldecott Medal and has encouraged children everywhere to put on their wolf suits when they get angry. It's a whimsical, crazy, surreal, beautiful story about parents and the enduring nature of parental love even in the midst of temper tantrums and runaway kids, and it's also about kids and the bizarre places a child's mind can go in the midst of confusing emotional situations. It's beautifully illustrated, simply written and a classic for a good reason.

Which can mean only one thing: It's time for us to look at Ridiculous One Star Reviews for Maurice Sendak's Where The Wild Things Are! I have my wolf suit and my angry face on. Let's do this!

Okay, let's warm up with a review from "cspring." 

did not enjoy. wish i could just assign a star rating without writing a thesis as to why scary looking lions, monkeys are not that great for 3 year olds

Huh. That's weird. It seems to me that you just did! 

Also. I would like to talk about some zoology with you. 

The creature pictured above, my friend, is not a lion. As you can see, it has three horns. It is a whimsical children's illustration. REAL lions only have two horns. See there, you learn something new every day!

Now, let's see what "A Customer" has to say in his one star review, entitled "The Most Overrated Creepy Children's Book of the Century":

....- suddenly, those monsters were fleshed out for me, thanks to Sendak and his scary illustrations. This book creeps me out to this day. Those ugly monsters with their pointy little fangs, claws and horns are nasty looking. I have mentioned this book to my friends and they all agreed with me: this story is not for children.

 So. Let me paraphrase your review: I bought the book "Where the Wild Things Are," which had monsters on the cover. When I opened the book I was disappointed to discover that not only is the book full of Wild Things, but also creepy monsters. I much prefer this other book I bought, "Where the Cute Fluffy Bunnies Are." Except for all the bunnies. That is going too far. 

"I am quite put out," said Maxine. "About my mother."
At which the bunny rolled its terrible eyes and chomped its
horrible buck teeth and said, "I shall eat
carrots for dinner!" And Maxine said, "NO!"

Here's another review from "A Customer":

This book is inappropriate for my four year old. I don't understand how this book is on the best seller's list. The illustrations are scary for young children. The educational value of this book is very negative. Instead of teaching of self discipline and respect for authority, this book promotes disobedience and violence. I know, for years, it has received glowing reviews. I disagree with all of them. This book entered the trash can the day it entered our home.

Wait. Children's books are meant to educate us in self-discipline and respect for authority?

Okay. I can retell the story that way. 

"The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another. His mother said, 'Stop making mischief.' Then Max said, 'Yes, ma'am' and did precisely that. He waited in the corner until his dinner was ready. And it was still hot." 

Can someone draw a picture of Max sitting in the corner, properly chastened? About twenty times? Thanks!

Our next, genuinely creepy review comes from Cliff "Cliff" Newman from "Pluto." He titles his review, "ho hum."

hoping the movie is better.think the book was written for someone MUCH younger.having had the most dangerous job in the world for 30 years, the book was a LITTLE slow.if I meet an interesting young boy, I will give him the book.the idea from [in] the book is mind opening.for a kid anyway.having been shot 12 times, my mind was already opened too far.

 Cliff? Um. Please don't give the copy of your book to any young children. I think maybe you should stay away from them. No, really. Ew. You're giving me the creeps. 

Our last --  and I have to say my favorite -- one star review of Where the Wild Things Are comes from Django Hulphers, who said: 

To be fair, it does speak to the plight of the Guatemalan coffee farmer peasantry in an age of increasing colonialism and diminishing resources. That being said, though, the central premise, while eloquently stated, is grossly undermined by the frailty (and ultimate solipsism) of its inherent tenets. Where The Wild Things Are should leave its childish and immature "darkness" behind and get with the program. Have we lost sight of normalcy? What's wrong with being a good American kid?!

Django, I, uh... um. I... wow. I guess I didn't see that one coming. So... Max is the Guatemalan coffee farmer? No. I think he would be the Colonialist coming across the sea and setting himself up as king. And then when the Guatamalans threaten to, uh, eat the Colonialist he goes home to mommy.

I'm just not sure I'm getting it. I'll need to re-read the book and specifically look for the, um, solipsism and inherent tenets. And stuff.

Think I'm making all this up? Nope. They're real reviews and you can see them in all their glory here.

Want to read more insane reviews about classic books? Then BE STILL and LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!

FREE: all of Levi Weaver's Music, Ever. (So far)

Gang. Until the end of the day today (the 8th), singer/songwriter Levi Weaver is offering all of his albums for free download to tget out the word about a new documentary about him and his music.

I saw Levi live a couple of years ago and it was really, really fun. He's a great musician and a great guy. Now we exchange emails about once a year in which we talk about doing a house show here at my house and it never, ever works out. I wasn't even able to go see his show in Portland this year!

Anyway, all that to say: I dig it. I think you will, too!

Check it out here, and tell a friend.

I KNEW IT! Harry Potter is real

They were always embarrassed by the picture in later years....

via nerd approved

Snuggies for the super heroic set

I've never tried on a snuggie. They seem silly to me. I can just as easily wrap myself up, toga-style, in a blanket. Undoubtedly, since this is the Internet, some of you are wearing snuggles right now, and I'm open to being educated on this topic.

However, I thought this particular picture had some clear truth behind it:

Meanwhile, in Gotham City:

Awww, cute. Look at Robin lurking in the background. Seriously, how often do you see the Dark Knight kicking back and watching television. And what do you think he's watching?

Meanwhile, at the Fortress of Solitude:

And, of course, we need the WONDERTWINS:

WONDER TWIN POWERS... ACTIVATE! FORM OF... A SNUGGIE MOUNTAIN!

Is it only heroes who wear Snuggies? No, not at all:

And lastly, an outfit so snug and super heroic I decided it is not for the average viewer, so consider carefully whether you want to continue after the jump to see this. it's not for the weak of heart. Take courage, viewer. Once you see this, you can't unsee it. Don't click lightly. Be cautious. Your life will be irrevocably changed. I meant it. Be wise.

The Autumn Film covers Coldplay

I've seen the Autumn Film do "Kingdom Come" live more than once, and I love it. They've just released a video of them singing it here:



They've also covered the more recent and more famous Coldplay song, Paradise:



Aaaaaand here comes Trouble:

Kitties as emoticons

Choose your favorite! :O

Top 5 favorite posts of April

Here are last month's top five most popular posts, born as wee crying babes into the cold hard light of the Internet:

1)  Ridiculous One Star Reviews for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. In which I share stupid reviews about how the first Harry Potter books is only worth one star out of five.

2) Advice for the Lovelorn. In which I reveal the way to tell a boy you love him.

3) Downton Arby's. In which Downtown Abby is spoofed by a sandwich shop.

4) Books I got at Q. In which I share the books I got at Q.

5) Ridiculous One Star Reviews for William Golding's Lord of the Flies. In my opinion, anyone who gives this book one star should be shipwrecked on an island with all the other reviewers and six copies of Lord of the Flies.