Imaginary Jesus tagline CHAMPIONS!

Friends, I had a great deal of fun reading your entries into the Imaginary Jesus Tagline Contest. I naively thought there would be one spectacular entry that would trump all others, but I was mistaken. There were many excellent entries and after a lot of vicious indecision, I've come up with a list of my top three favorites, all of whom will receive the prize package... a free, signed copy, mention in the acknowledgments and my gratitude.

Here they are, in the order they were received:

1) "Imaginary Jesus: beyond the flannelboard" from Janet O. I like the Sunday School reference which reminds me of a lot of my childhood experience of Jesus. I have a soft spot in my heart for flannelboards. Also puppets.

2) Sam said... Imaginary Jesus: Hot pursuit of the most popular man who never existed. I think what I like about this one is "the most popular man who never existed." I like the irony of it.

3) I'm guessing we could never use this one, but it made me laugh so hard that I had to give Kyle a shout out and a free book. Kyle Collins said... Imaginary Jesus: De-robing the Messiah. That's so wrong that it is a sort of classic.

So, congratulations Janet, Sam and Kyle. The book comes out in April, so enjoy your long wait. As for the rest of you, lots of excellent entries... I've been talking with the people at Tyndale and I think we're going to have more contests in the months to come. Keep your eyes peeled (eww).

Cheese in SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

I couldn't resist linking to cheese in space.

The chairman of the endeavor says, "It seemed appropriate... that we should mark the anniversary of the first moo-n landing with a giant leap for cheesekind."

I am a little disappointed that no rockets are involved, so I have included the photo at left.

Photo via midiman.

Imaginary Jesus tagline winners announced tomorrow!

I have the tagline contest whittled down to the final round, and by tomorrow I will announce the winners! There are plenty of good ones to choose from, but I do have my favorites.

Stay tuned....

They used to get more love

There's a great article in the NYT this weekend about the search for a gender-neutral singular pronoun and the rise and fall and rise again of the plural pronoun as a solution to that problem. If you enjoy language, trivia or social and cultural insights, I think you'll find this article interesting.

It was interesting learning to speak a little Chinese, because in the spoken language there is no differentiation made between he/she. Everybody is ta, male or female. Ta went to the market. Learning the gender pronouns in English took some time for our Asian friends, so we would occasionally be treated to sentences like, "My boyfriend is coming to visit this weekend. She is very wonderful."

An interesting sidenote is that while in Chinese there is no differentiation whatsoever in the pronoun used for he, she or it, the written language does have that distinction: 他(he), 她 (she), 它(it), all three pronounced ta.

Robots: "How to Serve Man (the cookbook)"

Yes, the very popular EATR robot has been recently released. It can devour biomass. Rumor is that it can eat human flesh.

But no, says Robot Technology Inc. “We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO in a recent press release.

No, I suspect that mission belongs to another robot technology department. Besides, the military would probably not name a flesh eating robot "EATR" they would name it something like "SAM" or "NUMBER 5" or "WALL-e".

At last, something from my childhood movies is becoming reality. I may not have a rocket car or a jet pack, but thank God there will be Robot Vampires. Yay!

I know what you are wondering: Matt, how do you feel about the impending robot revolution?

Answer: Does not compute.

Wonderful Wednesday: Japanese Manhole Covers

Now it's time to celebrate Japanese painted manhole covers!

Let us also celebrate their fire hydrants!

It's only rock and roll but I like it

An interesting article in the Oregonian yesterday about Portland-based artists who specialize in rock and roll poster art, including people like Mike King, Guy Burwell and Emek.

I want one of these guys to make a cool rock show type poster for the release of Imaginary Jesus and then I'll ship them out to people and we'll put them up on telephone poles. It will be awesome. Now I just have to steel myself for the inevitable discovery that it costs lots and lots of money to get one of these posters made. Right?

In other cool art news, Sarah from Tyndale (she will be famous by the time my book finally gets published) sent me some cover ideas for Imaginary Jesus. There are five concept covers right now, one of which is my hands down, all around, can't see how other people wouldn't pick it first favorite. Krista would choose that one as number four or five.

Anyway, sometime this week we'll spend some time discussing the cover concepts and hopefully move toward some sort of consensus between me, Sarah From Tyndale, Wes The Agent, Nancy The Publicity Person and Whomever Else gets a say.

The traditional airport post

Here I am at the Denver airport with Krista and the kids, racing them home for a couple of days before returning to CO for our conference on Tuesday. I haven't seen the typical aberrant behavior at the airport that allows me to write entertaining posts so I will just have to make stuff up, I guess.

Z woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well, so we're traveling with a sick kid. I bought my ticket using miles and through some weird fluke of airline pricing I got a first class ticket for the number of points as an economy ticket would have been. I lovingly gave that ticket to my wife, though, because I thought that when an eight and half months pregnant woman is flying she should be treated like royalty. I'll be with the kids in the back, which should be fun.

Okay, off to the races. Have a great day, minions.

Last Chance

Today's the last day to enter the Imaginary Jesus tagline contest! So send your best, wackiest, worst and goofiest ideas in now!

Or else!

Let us now praise awesome dinosaurs!

Strange Horizons is an online, weekly speculative fiction magazine.

All of which is unnecessary prelude to the fact that you must read LET US NOW PRAISE AWESOME DINOSAURS! It is the story of Martian dinosaurs come to earth to do stunt car racing. No, really.

It starts off with a dinosaur trying to buy a handgun....

And, like many good things on this blog, I came across this via boingboing.

Wonderful Wednesday: Pomegranates

Some people say that the "Fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil" in the Garden of Eden was actually a pomegranate. I buy it. I think Adam and Eve took a bite and blood red juice got all over them and stained their skin.

Grenades are named after them.

It's also the inspiration for the best phone ever. I don't know if you can get it in the States yet.

One issue: don't you think it should be spelled "pomagranite"?

Superman vs the cops

Friend of the Revolution Ken sent us this link to a story about Superman using brute force against New York City police officers.

As always, Batman used his superior intelligence to sit nearby, handcuffed to a lawn chair.

Oh, Superman... it has all gone downhill for you since "Superman Lives."

On the bright side, that cop that is putting the cuffs on is going to be famous.

Soda, Pop, or Coke?

Stumbled on a weird and wonderful blog today that puts up strange maps and then comments on them in detail... everything from a Russian thinker's future US map (for after our financial collapse) to a map like the one above... detailing by color where people prefer to call soft drinks "soda" or "pop" or "coke." Click on the map for a closer look, it's well worth it.

Obviously the correct term is soda. But I grew up in California, so maybe that's just my cultural bias showing. Feel free to leave a comment defending your own preference.

Web Site Story

My sister Dawn sent me a note to check out this video, and I thought it was great enough to pass along to all of you. We talked for a while about the uses of technology and this is one of them... to create a video that looks like it's from the 1950's that talks about today's technology in the form of a traditional muscial:

I have a weak spot in my heart for comedy musicals.

Can't stop thinking about Japan

This is rice paddy art. It's made by planting different colors of plants in the rice paddy fields so that it makes a recognizable pattern. Certain areas of Japan are famous for their elaborate ones (like the samurai above, which is on display this year).


I had no idea about this until I read about it in Boingboing yesterday.

Imaginary Jesus tagline contest rules addendum

Sarah Atkinson, one of the acquisitions editors at Tyndale, talked with me yesterday about the Imaginary Jesus tagline contest.

She started by saying, "I have a bone to pick with you." I suddenly realized that I hadn't talked with anyone at Tyndale about my little contest. Uh-oh.

Then she said, "What do I get if I win the contest?"

I said, "The same thing as anyone else." Because she should really read the whole post instead of skimming, that's what I say.

But she pointed out that the likelihood that she would receive a signed copy anyway was pretty high since she's working on the book and I'll be crossing paths with her at various conferences and events in the future. I told her that I wasn't some pushover author that would just cave and give copies to someone just because they were pushy acquisitions editors. But she pointed out that she could probably wear me down eventually.

So I have to add this addendum to the rules: "If the winner of the contest doesn't want the other prizes listed, they may choose to receive instead an original Matt Mikalatos hand-drawn picture of a pony or unicorn. In color."

The End.

Rad full scale Gundam

I keep forgetting to post about this rad full scale Gundam model in Japan. My friend Alan sent me this link a while back. Neat!

Imaginary Jesus tag line competition -- tell your friends

The Contest:

We're working on a tag line for Imaginary Jesus (coming to bookstores near you in April 2010). Basically, in this contest I'm asking you to throw out your best ideas for a tag line. I'm looking for something clever and catchy that sort of sums up everything about the book. You can see a basic "back of the book" type description here. Here are some thoughts by someone about tag lines in general. I'm looking for a quick phrase that is humorous and sharpens the reader's expectation beyond what the title implies. A few examples:

Imaginary Jesus: Real as a Unicorn

Imaginary Jesus: The best friend you never knew you had.

Or preferably something better than those.

Rules:

1) Enter by posting your tag line idea in the comments section of this post. Post as many as you like.

2) I'll need some way to get ahold of you if you win. So anonymous, contact-less entries won't get a prize even if they win. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A BLOGGER ACCOUNT TO LEAVE A COMMENT! And if you want to send me your contact info, post your comment and then write me at matt.mikalatos(at)gmail.com.

3) It has to be original and it has to be yours. So taglines like "In space no one can hear you scream" or "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!" don't count. I guess you can post them just to be funny though, you sick, sick people.

4) Deadline for entries is July 17th, because that's my birthday and because I say so.

5) No whining if it takes a while to announce a winner, because I'm learning that the publishing world spins a little slower than the world outside. Whiners automatically forfeit all rights except for those specifically granted under the Magna Carta of 1215.

6) All entries must be type-written.

7) It's a tag line, not a poetry contest. Keep it short. Haiku length or shorter.

The Prize:

It's a three parter. TO THE WINNER GOES THE SPOILS! ONE, your name in the acknowledgements of the book itself. TWO, a copy of Imaginary Jesus signed by the author (when it comes out of course). THREE, my gratitude. I will even write a thank you note to you.

Of course you also get bragging rights, but that goes without saying.

Now get to work, people.

Legal Stuff:

Okay, I'm not a lawyer but just so you know this contest is illegal wherever such contests are illegal, and is not sponsored by Tyndale, Barna Books, Campus Crusade for Christ or anyone associated with those organizations. Final determination of who wins goes to moi (moi = Matt Mikalatos) and whomever I might choose to include in said determination. Moi reserves the right not to use a tag line, to use multiple tag lines or to use a tag line not generated by this contest. By leaving a comment and/or tagline here you are giving permission for it to be used in the publication and publicity of all kinds for Imaginary Jesus. Forever. In the whole universe. And other dimensions. Even other dimensions where, perhaps, you are evil instead of the pleasant, reasonable person whom you appear to be here in our dimension. Please remember that in the end this is all for fun. It's not like I'm promising, for instance, to make you the poet laureate of a laureate-less state.

The Fireworks Song: Happy 4th of July!

Please enjoy this video from Rhett and Link, celebrating the heroes of American Firework History:

LIghtning Safety Tips

Today a bunch of us from Xtrack went up into the Soapstone Prairie Natural Area to help the city of Fort Collins with weed control. There's an invasive species of weed and we were just the people to help get to the root of the problem.

Toward the end of the day a storm appeared on the horizon and a low grumble of thunder echoed across the prairie. Pat, our guide, immediately told us to grab out stuff and head for the van. We all made some jokes but he started telling us that lightning could strike from several miles away, and that we should spread out and not run and that several people die from lightning strikes every day. He didn't care for our jokes about lightning.

This suddenly reminded me of when I was in an earthquake in Seattle and people kept saying things like, "SHOULDN'T WE RUN OUTSIDE?" Which, of course, you should not. Then I looked down at the street afterward and people were walking around looking up into the sky. As if the earthquake had somehow come from the sky.

I decided that -- as a service to all the other non-Coloradoans living in Fort Collins this summer -- I would publish the strange and unfamiliar rules of lightning as found at the National Lightning Safety Institute.

Personal Lightning Safety Tips

1. PLAN in advance your evacuation and safety measures. When you first see lightning or hear thunder, activate your emergency plan. Now is the time to go to a building or a vehicle. Lightning often precedes rain, so don't wait for the rain to begin before suspending activities.

2. IF OUTDOORS...Avoid water. Avoid the high ground. Avoid open spaces. Avoid all metal objects including electric wires, fences, machinery, motors, power tools, etc. Unsafe places include underneath canopies, small picnic or rain shelters, or near trees. Where possible, find shelter in a substantial building or in a fully enclosed metal vehicle such as a car, truck or a van with the windows completely shut. If lightning is striking nearby when you are outside, you should:

A. Crouch down. Put feet together. Place hands over ears to minimize hearing damage from thunder.

B. Avoid proximity (minimum of 15 ft.) to other people.

3. IF INDOORS... Avoid water. Stay away from doors and windows. Do not use the telephone. Take off head sets. Turn off, unplug, and stay away from appliances, computers, power tools, & TV sets. Lightning may strike exterior electric and phone lines, inducing shocks to inside equipment.

4. SUSPEND ACTIVITIES for 30 minutes after the last observed lightning or thunder.

5. INJURED PERSONS do not carry an electrical charge and can be handled safely. Apply First Aid procedures to a lightning victim if you are qualified to do so. Call 911 or send for help immediately.

6. KNOW YOUR EMERGENCY TELEPHONE NUMBERS.

Teach this safety slogan:

"If you can see it, flee it; if you can hear it, clear it."

Meeting Doodle #10: NINJA!

It's such a shame when ninja attack an innocent old man. On the other hand, it appears that someone stole the ninja's katanas. Maybe it was this same old men. GO GET HIM NINJA!

Funny commercial from India

Krista is giving a talk on contextualization tomorrow at Xtrack, so I'm looking around at some interesting cultural clips and things along those lines. I stumbled across this charming and funny commercial and thought I would share:

Matt Mikalatos with Ambassador Speakers

The good folks at Ambassador Speakers Bureau and Literary Agency recently sent out an email letting people know that I am available to speak at various churches and conferences and so on. They wrote this rather flattering paragraph:

"Author of the forthcoming Tyndale/Barna book, Imaginary Jesus, Matt understands the dialect of our culture and will help you discover fresh tools for evangelism and outreach. He is passionate about a vibrant Christianity that comes with the discovery of the authentic Jesus. Matt will ignite your passion for evangelism and will do it with humor, power and a passion for friends, associates and neighbors who have not yet found the life Jesus offers. Matt has been a writer for the Wittenberg Door and is terminally funny. He has also been a contributor to Discipleship Journal published by The Navigators and other periodicals."

Aw, shucks! I'm blushing! I'm really excited about the opportunity to speak in some new places and to have a chance to talk with more people about Jesus. YEAH!

Click here to learn more about MATT MIKALATOS at AmbassadorSpeakers.com It's my "official bio" and some talk links.

Sarah Kaufmann, Cheese Carving Lady

I met this lady the other day at a grocery store. She's a full time cheese sculptor. She said three people in the United States make their living from carving cheese sculptures. She goes to various grocery stores and events and makes sculptures. She said that next month she's doing a life-sized Neil Armstrong cheese statue in honor of the moon landing anniversary. Because the moon is made out of cheese.

Her favorite medium is cheddar because it's a soft cheese that people will sometimes eat after the event.

Several of you have requested sculptures of my head. I think this would be a viable option.

Meeting Doodles #9: On Fire!

About eight years ago, the story of Moses and the burning bush became increasingly important to me in my spiritual walk. As I started having deeper intimacy with Christ, this terrifying moment of Moses finding God's divine presence in the midst of the midnight desert hit home.

So I find myself drawing a burning bush every once in a while... it's a reminder to approach Him with reverence, to expect Him to speak, and to turn aside and investigate strange things, because they just may be a path into His presence.

Places I've had "burning bush" moments:

Hidden away in a stand of bamboo in China.

Walking the Oregon coastline on a foggy day.

Sunset in Joshua Tree.

How about you? Where has God met with you in unexpected ways and places?

Meeting Doodles #8: StrengthsFinder

My coaching group just went through our StrengthsFinder material and then we tried to figure out what our strengths themes would be... what our strengths would uniquely qualify us to do or be. Here are the results:

Dan Culbertson, zombie killer.

Matt Mikalatos, cage fighter.

Peter Hibbs, pony trainer.

I'll come back and list our strengths and why these unique strengths contribute to us moving toward these excellent vocations.

Smart Aleck Hollywood Movie Stars

Tonight we were out at "Taste of Western Europe" with the family, a party hosted by all the CCC people going through Xtrack who are from or headed to Western Europe. There was way too much truly excellent food and we had wonderful conversations with our many friends there. On the way out I told the kids to get ready to go like so...

Me: Okay, movie stars, get your shoes on.

A: Why did you call us movie stars?

Me: Because you're so beautiful.

Z: And you are the movie stars' servant.

Bike to Work Day

Today while I was out on my morning jog (!) I noticed a big tent up ahead, with food splayed out over the table. As I got closer I realized it was a big breakfast in honor of cyclists who were riding their bikes to work because it's bike to work day in Fort Collins, Colorado. Pancakes, bananas, milk and eggs were available for free to anyone who rides their bike to work, because we care about the environment.

But... breakfast is not available to the joggers. Never mind that we, too, are saving the environment by not driving. Never mind that we didn't even cause metal to be turned into a transportation conveyance. It's a perfect example of having a vision (SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT) and a tactic to move us along toward it (FREE BREAKFAST FOR BIKERS!) that loses the reason it existed in the first place (Let's go fill the van with food that was trucked in from all over the world and feed anyone on a bike... but not joggers).

It doesn't really matter because I don't like pancakes or bananas, I have my own milk and I can't eat eggs. So I guess I'll go jump in the shower so I can get in the car to drive to my meetings....

Meeting Doodles #7: ROBOTS RULE!

One of the big things here at XTrack is my coaching group. This is where I get together with a couple of other guys and we talk about life and issues they might face overseas. We also spend a lot of time talking about the inevitability of the coming Robot Apocalypse and how we can survive it by pretending to be robots ourselves. This involves a great deal of stuffing emotions and saying "THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE" if someone asks about your emotions.



And here is a picture of us after the ROBOT UPRISING. On the far left you can see Dan Culbertson AKA CULBETRON. Next in line is Peter Hibbs, whose robot signifier is THE HIBBS 3000. You can see a single solitary tear coming down his cheek because of the unfeeling slaughter of the people who were not prepared for the coming of the robot army. As you can see MIKALATATRON is smiling like an idiot. This will probably be the end of him when the robots turn their sensors toward him. His last words will be DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUUUUUUUUUTE!


If your ocular sensors cannot see the detail of the picture above, double click for a closer view.

I haven't forgotten you

I have been a little busy getting back up to speed with my family as well as getting time with friends here at Xtrack.

But there is more to come at BHR. Topics to remind me of should I not cover them in the next few days:

* Father's Day gifts and time with the family

* A life-sized Neil Armstrong made of... cheese

* Copy Lines for Imaginary Jesus

* And so much more

As for now I am off to bed.

Meeting Doodles #6: X Track Horizon

In a few minutes I'll be on the way to pick up Krista and the kids at the airport!



All the pieces of Xtrack are coming together nicely.



I noticed that for some reason all my recent Xtrack doodles have been horizontal rather than vertical. Strange.

I love you, World (in a strictly platonic sense)

I feel good tonight because tomorrow Krista and the kids will catch up with me in Colorado at long last! I am excited to see them! We've decided that this separation shall remain our longest one from here on out.

You know how sometimes you are so excited and happy that all is forgiven between you and the rest of the world? I feel like that.

I stumbled upon this picture by Scott Campbell that expresses it nicely.

If they can love each other, so can we all. Awwww, sweet Alien.

You can purchase Scott's art here.

Captain America Alive Again... Now He Will Beat Up Some More Nazis

I'm glad to say that Captain America, who died some time ago, is coming back to life this July. You may recall that I predicted this EVEN DOWN TO THE TIMING (okay, I said July 4th and it comes out July 1st, whatever). This is why from now on you will refer to me as... THE INEXPLICABLE PROGNOSTICATOR!

And now, as if in celebration, I give you this classic Cap moment at left. You may recall last time I gave you a picture of Cap punching Hitler. Well, that was not humiliating enough! Now Cap has his faithful sidekick, Bucky (that's right, he's about twelve years old) crouch behind Hitler and then... HE SHOVES HIM! Ha ha ha! Oh, Captain America. I am sure you were a schoolyard bully when you were a kid, but it sure is funny when you do that to a Nazi.

And, an added bonus... I can use the tag "Hitler should be beaten up by a man in red white and blue pajamas and silly floppy boots" again! I am so pleased!

Meeting Doodles #5: Xtrack

As previously PROVEN BY SCIENCE! doodling helps you to concentrate. As if to show that I am paying Very Close Attention in my meetings (which have been excellent, by the way), I submit for your approval yesterday's meeting doodles:






Also, we are live streaming and then putting into archives our meetings this summer. If you're interested in Xtrack, cultural training and so on, send me an email and I'll get you the link and the password.

P.S. Since I am in meetings all summer I am taking doodle requests. I've already done one commission (Batman and Robin on a ladder hanging from a hot air balloon with Batman being bitten by a shark).

This ought to keep you busy

I am at work today, sitting in a room at a church and training people who are going overseas for three years or more in some skills for life overseas. I'm busy is what I am trying to tell you, people.

So here are a couple things to keep you occupied in the meantime:

1) The first three chapters of Don Miller's new book, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years.

2) Go read a free short comic story.

Ladies and Gentlemen... G.K. Chesterton

According to my friend Matt Baugher, GK Chesterton died on June 14th in 1936. Chesterton was a celebrated wit, an apologist and a writer who routinely served up works of prophetic insight via his books, essays and letters. And he's very funny.

I still remember when I stumbled across my first Chesterton book and thought, "Why has the world been hiding the works of this man from me?" Here are a few of my favorite Chesterton books so you have a place to start if you're interested:

1) The Napoleon of Notting Hill. This is the story of a bored ruler in England who decides (as a joke) to make fanciful costumes, traditions and false histories for each neighborhood of London. What starts as a hilarious entertainment for him and the upper class takes an unexpected turn into drama when a young man named Adam Wayne (who has no sense of humor) takes it upon himself to start a war among the neighborhoods of London. I love this book... I've probably read it five times. One of the most amazing things is how perfectly Chesterton balances comedy and drama in this novel so that you are laughing one moment and profoundly moved in another.

2) The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare One of Chesterton's most famous novels, this is the story of police officer Gabriel Syme, who takes the name Thursday and infiltrates a society of anarchists. It isn't long, however, before he begins to suspect that some of the anarchists are undercover cops... and some of his fellow policemen are actually undercover anarchists.

3) I've always been fond of The Ball And The Cross, which is the story of an enraged Christian who throws a brick through the window of a man who runs an atheist newspaper. The atheist is pleased to have some attention (society at large ignores him as much as they ignore the Christian) and they happily decide to have a duel to the death. But they keep getting interrupted and eventually become friends and have adventures together.

4) Last fiction I'll mention is the The Father Brown Stories. Father Brown is a priest who has a nose for mystery. In fact, he loves mysteries and the insights he gains into the nature of humanity, God and the universe while solving the worst crimes of the human heart. Some of the stories don't even involve crimes as such, but Father Brown is such a delightful companion you won't even care. I'm particularly fond of the stories involving his nemesis, whom he is trying not only to capture but also convert to Christ.

5) If you've not read or heard of The Everlasting Man it's a sort of spiritual history of humanity. C.S. Lewis called it the contemporary book that had helped him most in his spiritual journey, and, in fact, it played a decisive role in his conversion from atheist to Christian. A great book.

6) Orthodoxy is Chesterton's own spiritual history of how he moved from non-believer to Catholic Christianity. It's beautifully written and well worth your time.

Well, that's enough reading to keep you all busy today. Many of these books are also available for free download on the web here. But you can buy these books without hesitation, they won't disappoint.

If I know the friends here at BHR I'm guessing there are plenty of people with strong opinions about Chesterton to share in the comments. Opine away, my friends... would love to hear your thoughts.

Seven Ate Nine

There is a lot of waiting involved in publishing. Everything takes a long time. In actual fact, I think the process has been faster than typical for me, but it still feels like you're caught in a slow motion scene in a movie.

So, while I've been waiting for the deal with Imaginary Jesus to come together, the contract to be finished, editors assigned, et cetera, I've started on a second book. I finished up chapter nine this morning:

12357 / 50000 words. 25% done!

One quarter of the way through book two! You may notice that I dropped my word count by ten thousand. It seems that with the sort of book I write everyone would prefer it to be a little shorter, so I'm writing with that in mind for book two. The quarter marks are nice ones because now I can say, "Just do that three more times and it's done!"

Today's a day off from work. I'm planning to get out and do a little exercise, then go hang out at "Taste of Fort Collins" with Team Hibbs. Then I have a LOT of seminary homework to do. So much of my day will be sitting in virtual class.

You know you want a goat tower

This is the perfect answer for people (like me) who live in a suburb but want to have goats in the backyard.

Remember... my birthday is coming soon!

You can find more information about goat towers here, the same place I found out about them!

My book, Imaginary Jesus, will be published by Barna Books!

I've just accepted an offer from the fine people at Tyndale and Barna Books for them to publish my book, Imaginary Jesus. Many effusive thanks to Wes Yoder, my agent at Ambassador Literary, without whom this would not have happened. And especially to God and the Real Jesus who has been throwing His weight around to make all this happen.

Here's the sort of thing you might read on the back of the book one day a long time from now (taken from my book proposal):

Sitting in a coffee shop with Jesus, Matt Mikalatos realizes that the pleasant, robed man across the table is not the real Jesus at all. During Matt’s attempt to destroy the imposter and find the real Jesus, Imaginary Jesus escapes. Now the Lamb is on the lam and Matt is on a quest to find the living, breathing Christ. With the help of the apostle Peter, a talking donkey and the mysterious Motorcycle Guy, he chases Jesus across the city of Portland, determined to exorcise his imaginary friend. A fast-paced, hilarious book, Imaginary Jesus explores what it means to be in relationship with a physically absent but relationally present Jesus.

As you can imagine, I am thrilled by the opportunities this represents and the chance to influence and entertain people with this book. I'll keep you updated as I have more information that I'm allowed to share....

P.S. People are already asking whether this means Krista and I will leave staff with Campus Crusade for Christ. Not at all! We have no plans to leave CCC. Krista and I will continue to need your financial support for our ministry. The primary benefits of this book being published are not financial, but rather a chance to see our ministry influence expanded.

Rhett and Link vs. Taco Bell

Through the miracle of internet technology I have scheduled this to appear on the blog while I'm in class at Xtrack. I had lunch with some of the guys yesterday and this video came up. It's by Rhett and Link and I enjoyed this immensely. Have fun.

Updates...

First of all, a very HUGE THANKS to Ken, who sent me a new phone to replace the one I baptized. Gracias, senor. Today was my first full day with the phone and I am starting to figure it out. In the meantime if you send me a text or call me you might want to say who you are... I can't tell otherwise. Unless, of course, I recognize your voice.

Second, thanks to Shane Spell, who sent me this jogging program to help me not to die while running around.

Third, I've started reading Little Pilgrim's Progress to the kids at night. They really like it. They've been begging me to read more chapters, and we've settled into a pretty good rhythm of three chapters a night. Should last us about a month at that speed!

The conversation my brain and my body had with one another this morning

Brain: Good morning!

Body: Ugh. Shhh.

Brain: Let's get up and do something fun!

Body: Mmmaybe. Like what.

Brain: Something really fun. Like... you know... jogging.

Body: ARE YOU INSANE? JOGGING?

Brain: You'll feel better when you get in shape.

Body: How many times have we been jogging? Twice? We didn't like it then, why should we like it now.

Brain: Well, guess what? I'm the brain and I'm in charge. Get to it!

(a few minutes later, on the road)

Body: *huff* *huff*

Brain: This is going to pay off in the future.

Body: Shut... up... brain.

Brain: You're going to feel great!

Body: Okay. We've run about thirty steps now. Need to rest.

Brain: Keep going!

Body: If you want to meet Jesus right now I will keep running, but otherwise we have to stop before I explode.

Brain: Fine. But we're going again tomorrow.

Body: I want the old brain back.

A Brief Moment of Open-Hearted Sincerity

I gained nearly five pounds in Hawaii. I’m not sure how this happened. It seems that the active lifestyle of boogie boarding, swimming and so on was completely counter-balanced by eating ice cream at Lappert’s every single day before going out to dinner.

On the way to church this Sunday I was telling Krista that these five pounds seemed almost like a metaphor for discipline in my life. I feel out of shape in my physical and spiritual life, as well as in things that I love and care about but take extra effort… things like seminary and my writing. Additionally, I’ve been thinking about my new little girl (who should be joining us on August 7^th at 7:30 am if all goes according to schedule) and how if I wanted to live until she’s my age, I’ll be SEVENTY YEARS OLD! When I was fifteen I thought that sixty would be a good target age for a full life, but I’m re-evaluating.

We talked about this for a while and I told Krista how I was making plans to reverse some of this and re-engage with self-discipline in my life… get back into deeper relationship with God, re-discipline my body, schedule in time for the secondary priorities in life like seminary and writing.

Then we went into church and Pastor John’s message was this. Listen to the excellent sermon called "Introducing an Outlier Life." It’s all about the need for discipline, why it’s necessary, how it works and why our church will be looking all summer at the spiritual disciplines. Krista kept leaning over and saying, “God’s really trying to hammer this one home, isn’t He?” I kept praying and saying, "Okay, enough already, I get it!"

One of the things available at the end of John’s sermon were these blue bracelets that say HAGIOS on them (the Greek word for holiness). I felt it would be a good reminder of my commitment to get my life into shape this summer. I’ve never been much of a jewelry guy (with the notable exception of my wedding ring… lovingly fashioned to look precisely like the One Ring from the Lord of the Rings movies, though I’ve never tested it out in a fire and it appears that it has never, for instance, turned me invisible) so wearing this band for the summer is a little weird for me, which makes it a good reminder of why I’m wearing it, because it bothers me (if that makes sense).

So I’m working hard at these things. The weight issue is a mind-boggling one for me. I looked up my BMI (body mass index… I know, I had never heard of it, either) and apparently someone of my height should way 180 pounds. WHAT?!?! I haven’t weighed that little since high school when I returned from being a counselor at a summer camp in Alaska where we ran, hiked, swam, kayaked, canoed, shot arrows and played running games all day. I tried not to eat the food because it was almost completely recycled Soylent Green and the bathroom was about a half mile walk from my cabin (if you ate the camp food you discovered that the bathroom was a half mile away even if you ran). I don’t know if it’s possible for me to get to that weight, but I thought what the heck let’s give it an experimental try. That means losing thirty pounds. I am thinking of sawing off one of my arms to give me a jump start. Updates as they are available.

And now you are thinking, Mikalatos, why do you share these things with us? And I can only say that when I am typing my hands are too busy to eat anything. I prefer being in disciplined shape. I feel better physically. I feel spectacular emotionally and spiritually. I enjoy life more when I am writing regularly instead of “when I can squeeze it in”. I just don’t like all the hard work and organization.

And that is all I have to say about that. Okay, stop looking at this post I am getting embarrassed.

THE END

Oh Yes Wyoming!

Brought to you by our good friend Hillary Harm:

Travel Tips With Matt

Since summer is rapidly approaching, I thought it might be time for some travel tips. It's been some time since I shared any, so here are a few:

1) Cell phone signals are completely designed to drive people mad. They say, "Oh, I have four bars" or "I have full bars." Yeah, right. It doesn't matter. The phone still won't be able to make a call. A raincloud will block the magic wireless signal. A raccoon will sneeze and distract the Cell Phone technology. The only way that cell phone companies make full bars is when they drive people to drink. TIP: Be sure to write an angry letter to your phone company before you travel, then you can sign and send it in at your leisure.

2) It's really hard to tell how nice a hotel is online. Especially if by nice you mean "clean, no bed bugs, under $100". You might, for instance, arrive at your hotel to discover that it's in the back of a parking lot behind "Romantix Erotic Toys" and "Lotty's Restaurant, Lounge, and Liquor Store." You might also discover that the NO SMOKING signs on your floor are largely ignored. On the bright side, there are no bed bugs (you can check this by lifting the sheets and looking for tiny pinprick blood stains on the mattress). TIP: Bolt the door.

3) If the Department of Transportation thinks to install a permanent sign that says "Severe Weather Warning Next 20 Miles" you should expect to experience some severe weather. Don't say things like, "I think we're going to beat the storm" when you see the cinematically dramatic black clouds zeroing in on you. Also, when the HAIL starts to beat your car like a drum at mile 21, realize that this is because you said you were going to beat the storm. TIP: When the visibility drops to two feet because of the thick hail and the road is flooded and you can't see the dividing lines on the road anymore, feel free to roll down your window if it helps you to see better. DO NOT however, stick your face out the window, especially if you are going 75 MPH. This will hurt.

4) I understand the deeply felt need to go to a gas station that has a name like "SMOKER'S FRIEND." But you should know in your heart that it will not be worth it. TIP: If a surly attendant comes over to pump your gas or something, don't say, "Hey, a good slogan for your gas station would be LIGHT UP BEFORE YOU FILL UP." He is cranky enough already.

Death of a Cell Phone

While in Hawaii I ran down to the beach to see a Ilio-holo-i-ka-uaua (that's a Hawaiian monk seal to all you mainlanders). The Hawaiian monk seals are one of the most endangered seals in the world, with less than 2,000 alive today. Anyway, one was hanging out at the beach and I wanted to see it.

The kids were not particularly impressed. Z said -- with the detachment of some delphic oracle -- "It looks dead to me." And she was right that it looked that way. Krista took some pictures in which the seal appears to have expired on the beach, and the yellow tape put up to keep people from harassing the seal makes it look like a crime scene.

It also meant that to get to the other side of the seal you had to wade through the surf to come up on the other side. Since I hadn't planned to run to the beach to see an endangered seal, I had carried my cell phone down with me. But, being a genius I knew to hold it in my hand so I could lift it up and over any waves that might crash upon me.

As I passed around the edge of the crime scene tape I noticed two giant turtles in the surf. Which of course I needed to see more closely. So I walked closer and was amazed. They are incredible creatures. And then, as if in slow motion, a wave gathered strength and slapped me five right in the cell-phone-carrying hand.

NOOOOOOOO! And it immediately shut down. It lost all signs of life. It looked, for all intents and purposes, precisely like a Hawaiian monk seal.

I took out the battery, of course, and dried it out, and kept plugging it in to see if it would work. But no luck. Lights come on, but the screen is just a glowing blankness. It can send and receive phone calls... if it's plugged in. So it's now a land line, I guess. I feel completely crippled having a phone that you just pick up and dial in a number and make a call. One other issue... the phone was on vibrate at the time of the incident, and it won't switch over to audio. So that means that it's like a land line that only jiggles instead of ringing.

I went to the Verizon cell phone people today and the guy asked me "Did you put it in a bowl of ice?"

Ice? What?

"A bowl of rice," he said. To pull the moisture out. Oh. Nope, didn't do that.

So now it's too late. Phone = dead. I'm a year into my contract with no insurance so I can buy a "cheap" phone on a one year contract (cheap meaning only a hundred dollars instead of $150 or whatever the sale is today) or switch over to an old phone.

So I switched back to my original phone. The one I had for four years. The one I dropped in a toilet and it still worked. The one that is so old it doesn't work with Bluetooth.

Which leads me to these questions:

1) Does anyone have an old Verizon compatible phone they're trying to get rid of? Not as old as the one I am using right now, preferably.

2) Anyone out there use some sort of phone resale/buying site? One where I won't get ripped off?

3) Do you think it would be weird for me to stand outside the Verizon wireless store with a sign that said I WILL BUY YOUR OLD PHONE FOR $20 IF IT WORKS!

Welcome Back!

We took an overnight flight home from Hawaii last night, which means we landed in LA before 5 and then dragged our way north to Oregon by ten or so.

The kids wanted to go to school because they missed their friends, so I walked them down there. Z's class was having recess, and they came running toward the fence yelling, "Z's back! Z's back!"

One little girl said, "We missed you, Z!"

Another said, "Did you have fun in Hawaii?"

A little boy asked, "Did you see any hot babes in bikinis?"

Chapter Six is now behind me

I got a little writing time in this morning... long enough to finish chapter six in the new book. The writing goes fast when I take the time.

9732 /60000 words. 16%

But now I have to get ready to go sit by the pool.

CANE TOADS

Last night Krista, her dad and I drove along the Waimea canyon and hit the top right as the sun was setting. It was gorgeous.

On the way down through the Hawaiian dusk and near the end of our trip down from the canyon I saw some little animals on the road ahead... I thought maybe some small birds (there are mourning doves in abundance here). But no... it was hundreds of cane toads. They practically covered the road, it was like a plague of cane toads. I tried to miss them with the car as much as possible. One toad that I missed by driving directly over it jumped and hit the car's under carriage.

Cane toads were introduced to Hawaii to eat beetles that were killing sugar cane. Then they started growing out of control. They have little poison sacs behind their eyes that kill predators that eat them, too, so they've been successful in killing more than just beetles.

We jumped out of the car and took a couple of pictures of these monster toads. But you couldn't get too close or they would take a running start and then jump off the road.

THE END

The Plot Thickens! (Mystery on the web, part 2)

I know you, My Loyal Minions--who know much more about the internet than I-- say that there is no real mystery related to lame.org.

But I just want to point out that today (Memorial Day) someone from Alpharetta, Georgia visited that page FIFTY-FOUR TIMES. I mean, I know some of you are Big Fans and like to visit often (which I heartily encourage), but even I must admit that's a little extreme. In fact, the precise page they visited was this one, which it looks like to me that maybe they were trying to hack my comments editor (?!). In addition, if I look up the Alpharetta, GA visitor on a map function for the stats it shows their location off the west coast of Africa. Huh?

Okay, okay... this person also came referred from my facebook page... so they are probably reading this right now. REVEAL YOURSELF O PERSON FROM ALPHARETTA! Yes, even hackers are welcome here (yes, even you, Mister Uno).

As for you minions, I have the person's ip address, so I can email it to you and then you can do your Internet Voodoo and tell me again how there's no mystery!

Guest Blogger

You may have noticed the four posts below from my lovely wife, Krista. I had used her computer the other day so when she signed on to do her blog it posted to BHR instead! I've copied the content to her blog, now, and as always you can see her great photos and insights at Blue Sky.

Dad and Z. Out on the Boogie Boards

Boogie Board Discovery

I remember when I discovered the sheer pleasure of riding a boogie board in California. Z. made this same discovery and has insisted that her day be filled with time in the ocean everyday- no matter how sunburned she was. There doesn't seem to be much point in washing her hair because she will just end up back in the ocean with sand crusted onto her hair.

First Day in Hawaii

Our first day in Hawaii the kids indulged in lots of sand castle building time and did a little swimming in a lagoon area. The next it was clear that their skin needed more than just sunscreen. Within a few days they both had long sleeved swim shirts and a new array of sunblock. The beaches are beautiful and even though I'm not able to do all the usual adventure stuff- hiking and lots of ocean swimming- I'm enjoying the sunshine and ocean and a comfy place to read.

Ready for the Sand

Ooops

Today I drove by the beach where my wife was, and I hung my head out the window and whistled at her.

But she didn't hear me.

The person who did hear me was the beefy guy facing the street, who was getting his muscles oiled up by his little girlfriend. He was not pleased with my whistling. He stared me down and watched as I drove away.

Oops.

Boogie Boarding

Here's me boogie boarding at Poipu Beach yesterday. I'm planning to go again today. While I was further out a giant sea turtle came up to investigate and waved a big leathery fin at me. It was about ten feet away, which was cool.

The kids had fun, too, though they eventually gave up after multiple dunkings. If you look at the picture below you can see A on the left, smiling and laughing at a brownish lump in the surf toward the right side of the picture. That would be the top of Z's head.

Here's a picture of Z's hair after being rubbed several times into the ocean floor yesterday morning.

But as you can see she was still having fun.

I got bounced pretty hard a couple times myself... I went out further after the kids gave up. One time a really huge wave was right on top of me and I couldn't decide whether to go for it or go over it and then it broke right on top of my head. It was like getting a trip to the chiropractor and using a netti pot all at once. It was a lot of fun.

Anyway, I should get off the internet and go do something on the beach. Later!

This Is Where I Live

This is a picture from under my palm tree on Poipu Beach. You can see a shadow from one of the fronds of my palm tree. You can see the ocean immediately in front of my palm tree. You might think that this picture looks overly blue, but I assure you it is, in fact, not blue enough. You may also notice that the horizon looks skewed to one side and think, that place does not look so great, it looks like it is tipped over and the ocean is going to run off to the side. This is, in fact, an optical illusion caused by the fact that I am sitting so lazily in my beach chair that I cannot be bothered to hold my cell phone straight long enough to snap a picture. Besides, I don't want to have to put my book down.

In other news, I am renting out week-long shifts under my palm tree for a paltry sum. You can go to a cheap luau if you agree to sit with me for 90 minutes and let me try to sell it to you.

The Big Easy

We're in Hawaii and having a good time. Today we decided it was time to introduce the kids to boogie boarding. I rented two boards, one with a hard bottom and one that is basically just a slab of foam. The kids, of course, started to immediately fight over them before they even got to the water, the deciding factor being... the colors.

Me: Let's get them down to the water and you can both try them out and decide which one you think is the most fun.

Z: I want to see which one is easiest.

Me: Easiest? Wouldn't you rather find out which one was the most fun even if it was a little more work?

A: I WANT THE ONE THAT'S THE MOST FUN!

Z (skeptically): I guess.

News from my neighborhood: THE STREETS OF LIZARDO!

Walking the kids home from school today we realized that as people rounded the front edge of our lawn they would give out a high pitched cry of alarm.

This is because the foot-long reptile at left had cozied up into the daisys and would poke his creepy bearded head out as people walked by.

Of course the neighborhood banded together and honorary neighbor Ken The Conquerer documented the capture of the lizard here on video . It's well worth your time to see our neighbor April, who was right in the middle of dieing her hair, show up and catch the lizard single-handedly.

Z said she would name it "Freak."

But when the owner eventually showed up he said the real name was "Dynamite."

About an hour after the owner recovered the lizard he showed up again asking if we had seen it. I'm so glad we returned the lizard to the idiotic owner instead of taking it to animal control as had been the original plan.

And now an ode in song (to the tune of "Streets of Laredo"):

As I walked down on the streets of Lizardo
As I walked out in Lizardo one day
I spied a young dragon
all dressed in his skivvies
all dressed in scaled skin
naked as a jay

We sat down beside him
and took us some pictures
we caught him in a bucket
and taped it right up
we held him for his owner
we blogged all about it
we took us his freedom
and that was enough.

THE END

A Mystery

On a whim I decided a few moments ago to randomly type in a web address and see where it took me. I started with "boring.com." I didn't know what I would find. I thought, it could be something wonderful. Maybe someone made a sort of playground on the internet and named it "Boring" so only the odd occasional wanderer like myself would come and visit.

But that's not what happened: Boring.com

That's the home of Boring Business Systems. So, since that's probably someone's last name I won't make fun of it. Because, as my boss Keith says, "People with names like ours should not make fun of the names of others." Excellent advice, Mr. Bubalo.

Buuuuut, excited by the possibilities of typing in something strange and finding a wonderful new something, I decided to try again. So I went to lame.org and I discovered something mysterious.

There was a note.

And it said:

What are you doing?

There's noting to see here.

Your connection has been logged.

Notice the grey, almost faded font. Also notice the word "nothing" has been misspelled... as if to say that there actually IS something to see here. And then the threat that my connection has been logged.

I think that there is more to explore here. I've never been great at these internet games. I did click around on the page trying to see if there was a hidden link but I couldn't find one. Somebody smart go figure it out and then give me all the credit. GET TO WORK, MINIONS!

Also, please make up some domain names, try them out and let me know if you come across any interesting ones in your internet spelunking.

Clearing up a little rumor about me

I heard a rumor about myself yesterday from a friend. It went like this: "Someone told me that you were asked to write for a television show."

Me: That's not exactly true.

Friend: I heard it was for 'The Office."

Me: !

Me: That's not true at all.

Here's the story that this rumor is probably based off of... when I was in college one of my professors in a screenwriting class was a well-respected television writer. She really liked my writing and a script I was working on for her class and she thought that she might be able to get me a job. She said there was this new television show coming out that was looking for young writers and I might be a good fit for it.

Professor: I think I can get you a job with this new television show.

Me: That's GREAT!

Prof: It's a show based on a movie.

Me: What movie?

Prof: It was called Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Me: HA HA HA! That was a terrible movie!

Prof (offended): I don't have to get you a job.

Me: No way! I will write for any show!

I finished the script as my prof requested and sent it to her and never heard from her again. I always assumed this was because I broke the Hollywood rule of never badmouthing the work of someone else because you might work with them in the future (I didn't know, I swear). It wouldn't be the first time that my Big Mouth got me in trouble. On the other hand, in retrospect, it may have been that the script I sent just wasn't very good. I try not to think about that.

Batman in "Bombs Away!"

I can tell by looking out into the blogosphere that you all are feeling a little down, so I thought I would cheer you up with this 1960's Batman clip:



Batman loves ducklings.