Guess Who

My friend Sam sent me a note telling me about a great honor that she and her boyfriend have blessed me with. You may recall the game "GUESS WHO" (pictured at left). In the game, you and your opponent have the same gameboard but can't see each other's cards. You opponent draws a card with a character's face on it and you have to guess which card they hold by asking them questions. "Is it a man or woman? Are they wearing a hat? etc."

Sam and her boyfriend decided that this game wasn't enough fun, so they made their own board with the faces of people they know. Please study the following board and see which of your friends are included. I think you'll like some of the surprising people included in the picture below.

Unfortunately, it's too easy to find out if I am the card chosen in the game, as the player has merely to say, "Is this person a swarthy Greek?" If the answer is yes, it's me... as you can see from the picture to the left. Be sure to leave comments about the people you know in the picture.

At the Univeristy of Portland

I spoke last night at the "Fish" meeting at University of Portland, a Catholic university here in Oregon. It's a student run meeting associated with Campus Crusade and run with the blessing of the university. We had a great time. I was really impressed with the students, who told me their theme for the semester ("a faith worth sharing"), their mission statement ("becoming fishers of men"... thus the name Fish), and the scripture they wanted me to teach from (Acts 10... Cornelius and Peter).

There were about 70 students and they are doing lots and lots of things right... they are friendly, worship-focused, Christ-centered and interested in helping others hear about Christ. They partner naturally with others... they are moving the meeting next week (Ash Wednesday) so that people can go to mass if they like, they are promoting a guy coming to speak at another church this weekend, they had in me from CCC and another couple guys from a Christian Outdoors ministry who were looking for summer staff... and they're planning their own retreat, and they are putting together a team for a "Run for Life" event (and so on and so on).

All in all I was really encouraged. We met a few months back with one of the UP staff, and she told me that at various gatherings of Catholic schools they brag about what a strong, healthy relationship they have with this Inter-denominational organization, Campus Crusade for Christ. And I want to brag about them, too... it is a pleasure to work with the UP staff ministering together to these students. And the school is so generous to the Fish students... even supporting them financially when they go on CCC mission trips and conferences. Amazing.

All that to say... praise God that we can work together and help point one another toward Christ and greater devotion to Him.

And that's all I have to say about that.

A Tardy Valentine Tip For the Men

I have been trying to explain to you gentlemen for some time that a quick way to make some points with the ladies is to watch some version of the movie Pride and Prejudice.

Many of you have not heeded my advice. I'm sure this is because the amount of dedication required to watch a movie that is all about relationships, misunderstandings, slavish devotion, imperiled love and the weird girl getting her man is a little too much for you.

Never fear, a new (slightly edited) version of Pride and Prejudice is now available, which will allow you to dazzle your woman. Now you can read... Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!

Note: Please be aware that when your special lady cuddles up against you and asks, honey, what was your favorite moment in Pride and Prejudice? that the correct answer is NOT When Mr. Darcy bit Mr. Wickham in the face. You have been warned!

Doodling In Meetings

I have this unstoppable desire to doodle during meetings. I'm engaged and paying attention, but my hands need something to do while the rest of me is in the meeting.

I was in meetings all last week, and here's my favorite doodle from that time. As near as I can tell this monster is about to go on a first date and he's nervous.

A Little Help Requested from My Minions

I'm working on the research for my Church History report in about a month. I have permission from my professor to study the use of fiction and story by Christian authors to create change in the culture around them and point people toward Christ.

The catch, of course, being that I can't use European or Western authors. Which removes large chunks of the more familiar Christian literature (which is, I am sure, precisely the point).

Here's what I'm working on so far:

I'm going to read
Silence by the famous Japanese Catholic author, Shusaku Endo.

I'll also read Things Fall Apart: A Novel by Chinua Achebe, the "father of modern African writing."

As well as At the Master's Feet by Sadhu Sundar Singh, the famous Indian mystic who converted to Christianity after seeing a vision of Christ. I'll be paying special attention to his parables, and in fact you can read a book that has some samples of his work in Wisdom of the Sadhu, which is available as a pdf for free online. I think you'll find it interesting.

HERE'S THE PROBLEM and why I need your help... as you may have noticed, all three of these authors are from the 20th century. I've been working on finding some pre-20th century, non-western, Christian authors who use fiction, story or narrative in their work. I am certain some of you out there can help, so I am planning to use you as a sort of Monstrous Hive Mind to give me some direction. So leave a comment if you've got a thought... thanks!

Hear Ye Hear Ye

I hereby release all SafeWay checkers from their responsibility to attempt to say my last name when I go through their line.

This applies to people who attempt to disguise their uncertainty about my name's pronunciation by slurring it while dropping their voice and turning away... like so... "Thank you, Mr. Mikulphruggig."

This applies, likewise, to the people who boldly pronounce a mutilated version of name, making certain to catch my eye and dare me to correct them... like so... "Thank you, Mr. Mike-Al-Ay-Toast. Did I say that right?"

This also applies to those who look at the receipt, see my name and say, "Thank you, Mr.... how do you say your name?" STOP ASKING! OBVIOUSLY I DON'T KNOW! It's Greek for crying out loud, and I am an American. Your guess is as good as mine.

In conclusion, from now on feel free to call me "Mr. Matt" or "Mr. Mik" or even to say, "Thank you, sir."

Sincerely,

Mr. Mikellangelottos

Sometimes you can't answer a question as simple as "What's your name?"

My daughter A has this habit of making up words. She likes to call me "Dewey." It originally started as Dad, Daddy, Doody, and eventually became Dewey. Or maybe Dooey. Not sure on the spelling. Anyway, she also likes to say in a sort of singsong chant, "Hi, Dewey, what's your name, Dewey?"

And you think the correct reply would be, "Dewey." But you would be wrong.

The correct response is, "IIIIIIIIIIvvvyyyyyyyy." I can never remember that this is what I am supposed to say. So she has to coach me.

Last week we had a conversation like this:

A: Hi, Dewey, what's your name Dewey?

Me: IIIIIIIIIvvvvvyyyyy.

A: That's right, Dewey! And do you know what Ivy means?

Me: No.

A: It's your name!

Me: Oh!

A: And in English it means a type of plant.

NAMELESS

There's a new website that I think all of you BHR minions will find enjoyable and probably want to join.

It's a project where people are encouraged to leave little notes and bookmarks in publicly accessible books. You know, like library books.

Some of them are pretty funny. Like this note in Lord of the Rings and this one in Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

Go make your own!

Where You Can Find Relief

You may recall the Christian literary magazine, Relief and its terrifying spin-off Coach's Midnight Diner. I've been helping out with a little editorial work here and there. You can see my official bio here.

I bet you'll learn something new about me if you read it.

Or maybe you already knew about that. I'm sure some of you expected the truth.

The 20 Horses By Z and G

Z and her best friend G teamed up to write me a story for Christmas. Here is it's world debut:

The 20 Horses

Once there was a girl that was very poor. She went to school with all the other girls of the neighborhood just like any other girl. One day a girl asked her how many horses she had.

In the time she lived everybody had at least one horse. And she answered, "I have twenty horses of every kind."

Now one other girl was poor. She said, "Now can't you see that she's lying?"

But all the other little girls thought that the poor girl actually had twenty horses of each kind! The other poor girl thought that the other girls might start asking her how many horses she had and she would be embarrassed to say that she only had one horse and that horse was a carriage horse and he belonged to the whole family.

The other poor girl's best friend was not poor. She was not rich, either. She was just like you or me. Every day she rode a beautiful thoroughbred horse to school. Everybody thought that the thoroughbred horse was the most beautiful horse ever. But the poor girl insisted that her Thoroughbred horse was the beautifullest thoroughbred horse ever. But everybody called her names. So one day they packed up and left.

THE END

Z The Cartoon Genetecist

Z told me on Friday that she is planning to make a unicorn.

Me: How will you accomplish this?

Z: By breeding a horse with a rhinocerous.

Me: You think that will work?

Z: Yes.

Me: Why don't you just attach a horn to a horse?

Z: Because it will fall off and everyone will know that it's not a unicorn. No animal has a horn exactly like a unicorn.

Me: The narwhale has a horn that looks a lot like a unicorn.

(A lengthy conversation about how to catch a narwhale ensues, including a comment about "will it fight me")

Z: I will breed a horse and a narwhale to make a unicorn.

Me: How will you do that?

Z: I will get a giant tank of water, and stable the horse next to the narwhale. Then I will put a paper cutout of a heart on the tank, so that whenever they look at each other they will think they are in love.

Me: What if, instead of a unicorn, you get a whale with horse legs?

Z: I will still be famous, because I will have made an animal that can walk on land and swim in the sea.

News From My Neighborhood

Kyle the Bad Alley Cat. Walking Z to school this morning I found three crumpled, abandoned packs for cigarettes. I knew immediately who had done it. Those three strange cats who have been hanging out on the corner. Past experience tells me that one of the more innocent neighborhood cats will soon have a litter of kittens.

Brennan, the terror of South Neighborhood. Also walking Z to school this morning, a large dog from the neighboring neighborhood came barreling out of nowhere, sniffing our shrubbery and then barking barking barking at me and Z. It came close and growled, baring its canine teeth (I guess all of its teeth are canine teeth) at us. A woman in a car drove up and started yelling BRENNAN KNOCK IT OFF! BRENNAN GET IN THE CAR! which sent him into a wild flurry of running between the fifteen different people converging on the school to bark threateningly at them. She eventually wrestled that monster into her car. Z was frightened, but I told her the dog had been after me. Because he was trying to take over my kingdom. Well, it's more of a fiefdom, but nevertheless. I'm not the sort to barge into someone else's neighborhood and bark and bark when I am attempting a coup, however. I will say this... Sir Brennan, when next we lift dog bowls together you had best taste the draught within to make sure there is no bitter flavor. Hint, hint.

Good Morning, Neighborhood. The sun lifted carefully over the neighborhood today, as if being cautious not to fall on us. She gently turned the ice to steam, and turned the steam from the fenceposts golden. I had the feeling that the whole earth was stretching and sleepily looking around with an ineffable sadness, the sadness that comes from seeing too much beauty in small pieces of the creation and realizing that this is not enough, that there is a deep well within yourself wanting much, much more of it. It's the sort of realization that makes you see a man on the highway with his car broken, the green hills rolling off behind him and you think, He's going to have a good day. He's going to put down his phone and wait for the tow truck and realize, look! How beautiful the hills are... and if my car hadn't broken down, I would have never stopped to see it. It's the kind of day that makes you stand up from your desk and walk outside and wonder, is the whole world this beautiful? Is all of creation dressing herself in muted splendor, just wondering if we'll notice? Look out your window, friend. It can't only be my neighborhood. It has to be out your window, too, I'm sure of it.

Going Down Slow

Tonight after an excellent meal of pizza from the Blind Onion -- Krista ordered us a pizza with olive oil instead of tomato sauce and it was excellent -- I threw the cardboard box into the garage to break it down for the recycling.

Something about the way I threw it down the one step into the garage reminded me of a wrestler falling in the ring. So I thought, hey, I'll leap in the air and stomp on it. Like a wrestler. So I threw myself into a monstrous parabolic arc, my feet pointed like jack hammers at the cardboard. It gave no resistance as my soles broke it into two dimensions.

And then the cardboard began to slip forward. Causing me to lose my balance and slide backwards, my head now headed for the thick metal door behind me. It flashed through my mind that I was about to smack my head into either the door or the step, and that my skull would crack open like a ripe watermelon on a rock. It was a lousy way to go, but at least the box would get recycled (I try to look on the bright side of things). "THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, MOTHER EARTH!" I thought but could not say aloud.

Then I regained my balance.

Which means that the score is now:

Mikalatos: 1
Cardboard Box: 0

Next week:

Mikalatos vs. Milk Carton

It's neither here nor there...

So where the heck is it?

Evil, evil butterflies

Check this out.

Moral of the story: Don't let butterflies near your babies. Or any queens you happen to know.

Also... GREEDY BUTTERFLIES! LAZY BUTTERFLIES! BAD BUTTERFLIES!

I would try to catch you to spank you but your crazy loopy-dee-loop leaf falling flight makes you too hard to catch.

NEXT TIME, SNEAKY BUTTERFLY! NEEEEEXT TIIIIIIIME!

News From My Neighborhood

Trouble Brewing. Yesterday morning I woke to find not one, not two, but three cats on my front porch. Which is mystifying as I own... zero cats. The black and white cat (which has more toes than is natural) was staring with undisguised malice at the fat grey cat. The sentiment was mirrored precisely. The white cat with the brown face lounged indolently nearby with a practiced look of indifference. Since that moment they have been taking turns watching the house. Right now the Many-Toed One is sitting by my back window with Miniature Tiger. One of them is watching the bird feeder, and one watching the house. I'm getting nervous.

Leader of the Pack. VROOOM! The Beautiful Ukranian Girls next door took out their bicycles yesterday, but they had the saddest looks on their faces. I quickly diagnosed the problem. "You're wishing your Mom hadn't sold your tiny motorcycle, aren't you?" They both immediately chimed, "YES!"

Spring Has Sprung. The ridiculously warm weather of the last week or so has been a nice counter-point to the bizarre and unending winter around Christmas. The first spring bulbs are sticking their pointy green heads out, looking around for summer. The confused ducks and geese of the Willamette Valley continue to fly east and occasionally west. There's some sort of exchange program going on, I'm almost certain.

Changing

I have these new jeans that are cut like slacks. What I mean is, instead of having pockets in which your hands enter from above, these jeans have pockets like slacks, in which the hands enter horizontally. Also, the jeans have a button fly.

What this means is that I often try to put my hands in my pockets, but through force of habit I end up trying to put my hands in regular pockets and I end up rubbing my thighs. Then, after I use the bathroom I button up and after buttoning up I then try to zip up also. Which is just confusing.

Which brings me to the question... Do I change my pants often enough?

Fiction Family in Portland last night

Let's start off by admitting that the picture on left is totally ripped off from the Fiction Family blog. The pictures that Krista and I took were more, um, artistic. But the smears of color were certainly beautiful.

Yesterday was one of those days where it seems like everything goes right. I took seven-year-old Z in for an MRI and she performed well, looking at the doctor in strained disbelief when he kep asking her if she was scared. "Why should I be scared?" she asked. She appeared to have fun and told me she almost fell asleep during it (Doc says all is well and nothing to worry about).

Then Krista and I met up and went into Portland where she had a couple of appointments, and I worked, with a brief break in a sunlit park to eat a street food burrito. Then we checked into a ridiculously fancy hotel that is having a sale because of the economy, so the overall price was about how much it costs to keep our house warm overnight. We grabbed some Lebanese food and then headed over to the Aladdin theater to see Fiction Family!

Molly Jenson opened the show. She did a fine job, she has an easy way of interacting with the audience and setting us up for what would come later. Sean Watkins came out and joined her on one song, and she ended her set with "You Are My Sunshine" which involved perhaps the funniest moment of the night when the sound/light guy made a shining sun appear on stage behind her and we all burst into laughter while she tried to sing the song in a serious, mournful way. She made good sport of it and we had a big sing along.

Then our fictional family took the stage, and I will say that the whole concert had a bit of the feeling of a very talented family hanging out together and doing an impromptu talent show. "Jon-boy, go get your banjo!"

Krista and I were talking last night and we both admitted that this show was better than the last Switchfoot show we went to (I KNOW... sacrilege... put down those rocks, my friends, do not kill me over this brief lapse). It was just fun, and you could tell the musicians were having fun, too. They sang some FF songs (this is from memory and not in order, folks... When She's Near, War In My Blood, Closer Than You Think, Betrayal, Throw It Away, Mostly Prove Me Wrong, and one they haven't recorded yet that made me laugh out loud and sit there with a goofy grin on my face called, I think, Rob Me or something along those lines). Sean sang a couple of songs as well, and (special treat!) his sister Sara was there, too, and they sang one of the best of the Nickel Creek songs, Somebody More Like You. Jon sang Resurrect Me and also Your Love Is Strong. the whole gang also teamed up for a fascinating, stripped down version of Radiohead's Idioteque.

Overall, it was a great mix. The Watkins siblings are superior musicians, and watching Sean play guitar was amazing, and of course Sara is ridiculously good on the fiddle. And Jon's vocals are always exceptional. I'm interested to see how this all plays out on the next Switchfoot album, as it's pretty clear that Jon is picking up some tricks from Sean.

It was a concert that made you feel good. It was a concert where you walked away thinking, it was fun to sit there and listen to my friends make music, and sing along and have a little conversation, and you were sad at the end of the night to say goodbye and it felt almost rude to walk out the back door instead of hanging around to say good night to all your friends on stage.

So goodnight Jon, Sean and Sara... and yes, Drummer Guy and Bass Player, Jon never introduced us but I assume we would be friends also. Good job everyone, and I hope that the next time you all are in Portland you'll stay with Krista and I. She'll get out her guitar and A will play piano and Z will sing and I will stand around with a goofy smile on my face or something.

I mean it... you guys better call us.

Adios!

As for the rest of you, you still have a chance to catch the end of the tour if you're on the west coast. Here are the shows yet to play:

TONIGHT at 7-- San Francisco

FRIDAY at 7-- San Diego

SATURDAY at 7-- West Hollywood

Moldy Lunches

Apparently some people have problems with co-workers stealing their lunches out of the fridge.

So the fine folk here have come up with plastic baggies designed to make it look like your sandwich is moldy.

Which of course means that your co-workers will throw your lunch in the trash. But at least you'll know where it is.

As for me, I like to forget my things in the fridge and get real mold on them. Then I tell my co-workers, "Oh, no, this is not really moldy, it's a fake plastic baggie that makes it appear moldy. Why don't you take it home with you? Oh, yes, I'm sure you'll love it."

I am very popular around the office.

My daughter makes an excellent point while walking through a frosty morning on the way to school

Z: How many chucks would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Me: I don't know. How many?

Z: Why would I ask you if I knew the answer?

Sign on the way to Sisters

We're in Sisters, OR, this weekend for the OSU retreat.

On the way we passed a restaurant that had this sign on the road:

"CHICKEN

STEAK

SEAFOOD

KIDS"

I hit the gas and we rocketed past. I'm never going to that restaurant.

News From My Neighborhood

A Veritable Slip. Walking Z to school this morning I came across humanity's old foe... BLACK ICE! I stepped onto a manhole cover slick with it and immediately swapped the position of my head with that of my feet. Z sweetly asked me if I was okay, I told her I was, and then we paused and reflected on the impressive prat fall I had entertained us with. I told her it was a good thing we hadn't been holding hands, because she might have gone down with me. "No," she said, "I would have recovered and walked on."

HOW TO LOSE THIRTY POUNDS IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! Once a week or so I weigh myself (before my weekly shower). Today I was thrown off by the numbers... I had lost thirty pounds! This seemed not only irresponsible but also unlikely. I evaluated the scale to discover that a toy mermaid had slipped her tail under the scale. I removed her scaly backside and found that I had returned to my regular corpulent self. CLOSE ONE!

Your Dreams Really Can Come True. I had this dream last night that I stepped in a prodigious amount of dog poo and that I had to walk through all the neighbor's yards to try to get it off. I mentioned my dream to Krista and she asked if it was because of the entrance to the kids' school. In fact, I think that is precisely the reason. Some monstrous dog did its duty earlier in the week. Then the freezing weather and clouds came and covered it in snow. Then many school children walked over it. Then the rains came. Now there is a nasty mess that will not be easily cleaned that I have to walk past every day. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not Houdini Dog this time. It appears that it was Elephant Dog or Dinosaur Dog or one of their relatives. I would like them to get out of my dreams*.



* But not into my car.

WORDSspaceWORDSspaceWORDS

I took Z to the hospital today to get a strange bump on her finger looked at.

As we drove to the hospital she started telling me about a young man in her class who is her "boyspacefriend." Charmed, I asked her more about this concept and she explained that unlike a "boyfriend" a "boy-space-friend" is a friend who happens to be a boy. I asked her who had come up with this way of saying it and of course "oh, everybody says it." I suppose it's from a television show we don't get or something along those lines. But I like the appeal to the written language in the midst of the oral one. Krista assures me that I won't stop hearing about boys for years and years to come. I told her that was fine so long as it was boy-space-friends we talked about.

Next new word of the day came from Z's doctor who told me that she was suffering from an exossification. And, although I am not a doctor I do know quite a bit of Latin, enough to know that this is another way of saying "a bone that sticks out." But when you have spent so many years in school, it is nice to have another way to say things to show how much you have learned.

Which is why, as a creative writing major, I've learned to say things like onomatopoeia instead of saying "hey that words sounds like the thing to which it is referring." BOOOOOOM!!!!

Punless

I was feeling a little out of it last night, so I think I might have missed any puns that my church history teacher threw out there. I am, however, looking forward to the middle ages because I think the term "flying buttress" deserves several pun mentions.

There was one little interchange that made me laugh, though. Our professor was pointing out that Ireneaus (I totally butchered the spelling there, I think... point is, he is a good guy) made an argument against the gnostics (the bad guys) that was essentially the same as the one the Catholics made against Martin Luther. This upset many people in the class (I'm sure this was on purpose, as the professor was trying to get people to think through the church's and Luther's predicament).

One student said, "Martin Luther was smarter than the average bear."

To which my professor replied, "See, I don't get that. Because bears aren't very smart."

Dent May And His Magnificent Ukulele

You guys know I am a music snob. And I think you will agree that I rarely steer you wrong when I talk about great music you should Go. Listen. To. Now.

With that in mind, allow me to introduce you to Dent May and His Magnificent Ukulele. His debut album comes out next week and you, me and everybody ought to buy it.

Until that great day, please enjoy this video of the song, "Oh, Paris!"



I know what you're thinking... how is that Matt is so far ahead of the cultural curve? How does he find these things? He rips them off from Paste, that's how.

Alas, Poor New Mexico

As you no doubt recall, we at the Burning Hearts Revolution care deeply about the people of disenfranchised locations around the globe. In fact, one of our Great Campaigns Against Injustice was enormously successful, causing all the poet laureate-less states of the Union to receive their own unofficial laureates. In response, Washington even created an official position. Yay.

But one of those tragically under-loved states was New Mexico. And though the letters of adoration have been pouring in from the maligned people of New Mexico, profusely thanking me for crowning Kasey Martin the New Mexico State Laureate, I have learned of yet another problem facing our beleaguered friends in the Newest portion of Mexico. They need a new governor.

So, I contacted some of my friends in Hollywood to see what I could do. And I am proud to say that one of them has answered the call... our good friend, Val Kilmer. Yes, the voice of KITT from the new Knight Rider. If you're looking for a governor, he's your huckleberry.

That's all I got.

On the way to the video store

A: Dad, did you see that Beebah?

Me: What is a Beebah?

A: That's what I call a store that I think is a video store but when I look at it more carefully I realize that it actually isn't.

Lord Save Us From Your Followers

Quite a while back I interviewed a guy named Dan Merchant for the Wittenburg Door. Dan made a documentary and wrote a book called Lord Save Us From Your Followers. Dan was immensely generous, spending part of an afternoon hanging out and answering all the questions I could come up with.

If you've not seen the film, it's about Dan's quest to find an answer to a simple question, "Why is the gospel of love dividing America?" So, like any sane man would do he set out to find answers: he dressed in a jump suit covered in contradictory bumper stickers; he held a “reverse confessional” at the gay Pride Northwest event, apologizing for Christian behavior toward homosexuals; he set up a “family feud” style game show pitting the atheists and Christians against one another; and he traveled the country asking people like Al Franken, Tony Compolo, Rick Santorum, Michael Reagan and people on the street, “Why is the Gospel of Love dividing America?”

Dan is selling DVD copies of the film on his website for a limited time. He's in talks with some distributors, so this is a limited time offer.

New Baby Mikalatos On the Way

Krista and I are pleased to make our "official" announcement that Krista is pregnant. She's about ten weeks along, and you can see a picture of the baby above.

The bright white spot in the center of the baby's body is the heart beat, which was a strong 165 beats per minute at our appointment. The baby was moving around during the ultrasound, too, which was a beautiful moment. We both cried when we saw the baby and heard the heartbeat.

The baby should be joining us as a detachable person around August 13th. Z and A are thrilled and have been coming up with a bevy of names. Z picks names like "Gracey" and A picks names like "Lightbulb."

So, get ready world, one more Mikalatos is on the way! We figure seven months is plenty of warning.

Inauguration Day LIVE

Whomever you voted for, today's the day you get a new President to treat respectfully, pray for and support. Hulu is providing a live feed... so I thought I'd bring it to you, too.

EDIT: Didn't realize that there was a commercial on the front end of the feed and that there really wasn't an easy way to turn the thing off if you *didn't* want to watch the inauguration. So here's a link to the live feed.

Did She Break Up With U?

The nice thing about G-mail is the advertisements targeted toward... me! I was surprised to see the title at the top of the page that said "Did She Break Up With U?" The "U" gave it that sad text-message look. The name of the website revealed that they could help me get my ex-girlfriend back! Years too late, of course, for me and for her (and her and her and her... good grief, did they all break up with me?)

The tagline for the advertisement said, Stop Searching For Sad Love Songs. Get Her Back Now With These 6 Tips.

Now I was laughing out loud. Some pour schmuck got broken up with and is searching for sad songs on the internet and now some Evil Genius is going to try to GET MONEY OFF HIM while he's down. KICK HIM, KICK HIM WHILE HE'S DOWN!

I couldn't take it. I had to click on the link and hear the sales pitch. And here's what I heard (sales pitch in blue, followed by my thoughts):

"MEN ONLY: Learn How to Get Your
Girlfriend Back Into Your Arms — Even
If Your Situation Seems Hopeless..."

Awwww, how sweet! He just wants to get her back in his arms. He's surfing the net, looking for sad songs and thinking, "If only I could get her back in my arms." This nameless guy is starting to just make me sad.

If you've broken up with your girl and have tried everything to get her back... yet failed, then this FREE report will be the most valuable thing you read all year.

This is a pretty bold promise. More important than the directions on my tax return? More important than the booklet that tells me which transmission fluid to put in my car? More important than the words upon my barbecue that teach me how to insert the gas container without blowing myself up? I am suddenly looking forward to my FREE report!

Inside you'll discover...

• The 2 "tricks" you must never try with your ex (these will push her away to the point of no return)

Oooh! I know this one! The first trick is the Pick Up A Skanky Girl at a Party and Flaunt Her In Front of Your Ex to Make Her Jealous. Rarely works. And the second trick is the Drunken, Blubbering Phone Call Saying I Love You Forever Come Back to Me Baby. This one only works if you time it for when she, also, is drunk.

• How many days does it take to get a girl back? Finally, a straight answer you can live with

Twelve days, three hours, fourteen minutes.

• Are you still friends with your ex? Discover exactly what you stand to gain (and lose) with this arrangement

Gain: A friend. Lose: a friend.

• The slight change in your approach that leaves her begging to be with you (this is so simple yet all guys overlook it)

All guys overlook it. Hmmm. Must be... memorizing scenes from Pride and Prejudice. That's all I can come up with.

• Why the pain you're feeling right now is killing your chances of getting her back (and how to turn it off like a light switch)

It's not the pain killing your chances of getting her back, it's your incessant sobbing whenever she is around. You're a downer, man. It's like watching a marathon of Russian movies. One is okay, but it has to be every time with you. Be a sitcom for ten minutes.

How to turn it off like a light switch: cigarettes.

• The 1 thing you must never tell a girl after a breakup... find out if you've already made this mistake and how to correct it before it's too late...

The one thing I must never tell a girl is... uhhhhh. Crap. I have no idea. I was dating you to get close to your sister? I bet that would wreck things. As for correcting it, I find a simple Just Kidding! does the trick (best said immediately after the sister comment).

Send for this FREE report now... simply enter your First Name and a valid Email Address below, then click the ‘FREE Instant Access’ button and this report will be sent to your inbox immediately...

Wait a minute... this whole thing is free? Hold on. This sounds like a trick. Is this website run by ex-girlfriends? Is this a cruel hoax? Poor sad Ex-Boyfriend. Must she use him so terribly?

I HATE spam with a passion - your Email address will never be shared with anyone else.

Wow. You feel strongly about spam. Good for you. I wonder though, what if my ex were to write you and ask if I had been trying to get back together and she lost my email address... would you share it with her? Because that would be okay.

To Your Relationship,
Dr. George Karanastasis

Karanastasis? KARANASTASIS? It aaaaaaaaaall makes sense now. Dr. K is Greek. Like me. Wily Dr. Karanastasis.

Here's my guess: Dr. K's girlfriend broke up with him. He applied his superior intellect to figuring out how to get her back. He realized that gifts and kind comments would only push her away. His best bet was to become an online relationship guru so that women would always be saying things like, "I wish my boyfriend would listen to Dr. K." Then Dr. K's (ex) girlfriend would hear about it and be, like, "Hey, Dr. K used to be my boyfriend" and she would call him up and say Hey do you want to get together for coffee.

No, he would say, my own pamphlets suggest it would be an unwise boundary to cross. Should I risk my heart being broken again for one cup of steaming java?

Fine, she will say, let's get married then, and you can take me out for a cup of coffee in Hawaii on our Honeymoon.

Play it cool, thinks Dr. K, and he does, and pretty soon they are in Maui, married, musing over mochas.

You really are an expert, Dr. K. Well done, sir, well done.

Recycled Humor

In our house, when something needs to be recycled, it is placed on the end of the counter to await my manly hands, which take it out to the garage, place it upon the floor, squash it with my feet, then place it in the appropriately colored recycling container.

Yesterday I took hold of a milk carton and two egg cartons. I took them to the garage. I squished the milk carton and placed it in the plastic recycling. I stacked the egg cartons on top of one another, leapt into the air and landed on the cardboard, waiting for the familiar fffffp sound of compressed cardboard, but being greeted instead with a definite CRACK. The crack of an... eggshell?

Indeed, it was the crack of an eggshell. One lone egg had remained in the discarded carton. I cleaned up and told Krista about it. She apologized, having forgotten to warn me about this. I told her, "I guess the yolk's on me."

The Bible As Fiction (?)

I'm currently taking a class on Ecclesiastes at Western. The teachers are my Hebrew teacher and the pastor from my church. The class is split in two... during the first hour my Hebrew professor walks us through the Hebrew exegesis, and in the second hour my pastor talks about how to present these things to your congregation.

One of the interesting things that we talked about this week is that Ecclesiastes may not have been written by Solomon. It seems reasonably clear that there is a "frame narrator" (i.e. someone who wrote the first and last chunks of the book, which refer to the main voice of the book in the third person). There are a wide variety of opinions on this question, and there are respected evangelical voices on both the pro- and anti-Solomon authorship question.

My professor thinks it was probably Solomon, but he said that the Hebrew style and vocabulary is a good argument for it being written later. He thinks that maybe it was edited at a later day to make the language more accessible to a later audience. He admits that this is a dangerous assertion.

What interests me is that *if* Solomon is not the author and some later wisdom author wrote Ecclesiastes, then what we have here is a work of fiction. I don't think this impacts its canonicity or its truth. I believe that some fictional accounts have more truth in them than historical accounts. It is interesting to consider, though. If the genre of fiction is something that God chose to use in the scriptures (and I think there may be other places we could argue that this is the case) then it introduces an interesting point into questions about the role of fiction and story in spiritual instruction. Of course, Jesus told parables which could easily fit the definition of fiction (although some have argued that they were his actual life experiences), but they are short, quick little stories. Ecclesiastes is on another scale entirely.

Tremper Longman III has an interesting discussion of the "genre" of Ecclesiastes in his commentary (required for our class) in which he compares Ecclesiastes with ancient Akkadian "ficitonal autobiographies", meaning biographies in first person written about famous people by someone other than those famous people. It appears to fit pretty well.

So, anyway, I'm mulling all this over today. I know this wasn't a fully detailed explanation of all the reasoning behind why Solomon may not be the author of Ecclesiastes, but what I'm more interested in for now is this question... did God use fiction at all in the scriptures? What do you think?

New Song from the Autumn Film

I once played a piano... from Dann Stockton on Vimeo.

P.S. I am not a stalker. Stop saying that!

Listen to the new Fiction Family album for FREE

Fiction Family has put up the entirety of their new album on Rhapsody so you can listen to it for free.

The album releases January 20th. In the meantime you can download When She's Near on Fiction Family's website.

Billboard recently ran an article on Fiction Family, too, and you can see that here.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Thirty-Six: In First Class)

Dedicated to the woman next to me, who had been up drinking with her work friends until three in the morning before trying to sober up enough to get to the airport by five. Although she was talking to me, I count this as eavesdropping because she never really stopped talking long enough for me to say anything.

Lady: -- and I didn't used to be very Green, but now I'm really serious about it. So I made a New Year's Resolution to say from now on I am going to live a completely Green lifestyle.

By doing things like riding in First Class... one of the least Green way to travel. I mean, she could have traveled alone by F-15 I guess if she wanted to be less Green.

Well Played, United Airlines, Well Played

Up until today, I have been dominating in my Red Carpet game that I play against United Airlines. It's the game in which I attempt to put at least one foot on the first class' red carpet when I check in.

Well, today I got upgraded to First Class. I walked up to the attendant and handed her my ticket and she said, "I'm not boarding you yet, sir." I thought maybe I had misheard her earlier and she was only boarding global service members. So I walked back and waited. But then she started boarding the main cabin. I walked down the red carpet and she said "SIR, YOU NEED TO WALK DOWN THE OTHER LANE."

"But I'm flying first class," I said.

"My apologies," she said.

But I knew the truth. She was punishing me for touching the red carpet when I wasn't allowed to by tarnishing my red carpet experience when it was my right.

Touche, United Airlines. Well done.

Classy

Here's a sign at the restaurant I had lunch in today:

MEN: NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE.

WOMEN: NO SHIRT, FREE DRINKS.

When She's Near -- Fiction Family

On February 4th Krista and I will be going to see Fiction Family in concert in Portland. Here's their first video:


Fiction Family - When She's Near from ATO Records on Vimeo.

Summer project training

I'm on my way this morning to Daytona Beach for summer project leader's training. This is for all the people leading a, uh, summer project. Which is why we came up with the utilitarian name "Summer Project Leader's Training."

I have nothing more to say about that...

Nothing unusual has happened at the airport this morning which is, in itself, something unusual. Don't worry, I am keeping my eyes open for a cadre of clowns or something along those lines.

Whopper Sacrifice

Burger King has had my favorite fast food advertisements ever since "Big Huckin' Chicken." He was big and so... spicy!

Now BK has released a Facebook app called WHOPPER SACRIFICE. For every ten of your facebook friends you "unfriend", BK will give you a free Whopper. It's hilarious.

via Laughing Squid

I have a new text message

I received a text message today from a stranger. He had a 360 area code, which is my area code. Here is our text conversation in its entirety.

360: R u a chick

Me: Are you a rhinoceros?

360: Am a guy. I am 19.

Me: I am a happily married man. How did you get this number?

360: Just started txting randum peaps!. Do you have any friends that r girls or any on ur contacts that i can have?

360: U receive text

360: U receive previous text

I wanted to write back to ask how successful the cold call "R u a chick" technique was working for him, but I didn't have time.

Minneapolis: How It Went at TCX 08

Some of you have been wondering how our time in Minneapolis went, and why I haven't really given an update about that. I was, in fact, waiting for the talks to go online so I could put a link to them. You can listen to the talks here.

I've also included this photo montage, to give you an idea of what it's like to see me in action:

"I'd like to welcome you all here because I am a friendly guy. Ha ha ha!"

"Now get SERIOUS! We are looking at the Bible. Stop laughing. I mean it."

"If you can't be serious. You can just leave. No, really. You there in the back. Stop goofing around or I swear I will bring you up on this stage and shave a bald spot on your head."

"Stop crying. I warned you that I would do this. Wow, this is hard work. I'm getting tired."

"Now, let's get back to my speech. I -- *yawn* -- wow, it's a lot harder shaving heads than I thought. I -- Zzzzzz."

"*Snort* Wha-- where am -- oh, yeah. In conclusion, I know that many of you have never been to the Northwest and don't know what a beaver looks like. They look like this. Just imagine I am holding a stick. This is my impersonation of an earnest beaver. Okay, that's all I have. Thank you very much."

An Open Letter to the Parking Enforcement Guy at the Vancouver Court Jury Overflow Parking

Dear Sir,

In response to the soggy yellow piece of paper you left wadded up into the rain-slicked door handle of my truck, allow me a moment to respond, point-by-point to your assertions.

Firstly, regarding your statement PERMIT PARKING ONLY [FUTURE VIOLATIONS MAY RESULT IN TOW], allow me to say that I have a permit, which renders your paranthetical nigh nonsensical. How can I have FUTURE violations when I have neither present nor past violations? I take this to mean that you suspect I am the sort of person who, although legally parked today, may one day in the future turn to... Evil Parking. I daresay this is a rather rude way to start our aquaintence, and I assure you that I am not the sort to lightly violate parking rules. Else, what would our society become? One vast parking lot, I daresay.

Secondly, in response to your comment PUBLIC PARKING LOCATED ON THE 1ST FLOOR AT PARKING METERS, I thank you. This is helpful knowledge for the future when I am--for some reason now unimaginable to me--at the Vancouver Courthouse for some event at which I need public parking. As for today, I had hoped to park here, in the Jury Overflow Parking because I am, you see, on jury duty and--as you no doubt would have noticed had you seen me--I am overflowing.

Thirdly, I must take issue with your comment NO PERMIT. Here it is on the dashboard. PARKING PERMIT it says. PLACE ON DASHBOARD it says. FOR DESIGNATED JUROR PARKING LOTS it says. But perhaps you are trying to tell me that you don't have a permit? It's true that your paucity of words makes interpretation flexible. I suppose you might be saying something deep and profound, perhaps you are saying that there is no permission sufficient for our human inability to treat one another with the kindness and respect that is deserved. I really must ask for greater clarity and a sentence rather than a fragment made of two words clinging to one another without the comforting glow of context to keep them warm.

And lastly, concerning the hastily scrawled post-script NOTICE LARGE SIGN'S. I do, in fact, notice the signs which say that this is JURY OVERFLOW PARKING. And here, on my dashboard I have a Jury Parking Permit. Thus, the sign seems to say to me, you belong here. This is an unexpected kindness coming from you, as the beginning of your note seemed cruel and even capricious. Now, for you to tell me to look at the signs, the ones all around me that are telling me that I am in the right place at the right time, that I am, in fact, doing all that I should be doing in life, that I am--for once!--precisely where I should be... well, sir, it causes me to feel satisfied and deeply grateful for the reminder that I am a needed, important, essential part of the universe. I will say that the possessive apostrophe on the word "SIGN'S" puzzled me at first, but now I am certain you were telling me to notice the large sign's message.

Thank you, dear sir, for taking the time to leave such a kind and warm-hearted message on my door.

Sincerely,

Matt "Permit # 141934" Mikalatos

Church History Puns

I just started a church history class tonight. My professor is young (meaning he is not ancient) and also one of those Ridiculously Intelligent Geniuses Who Cannot Be Touched (meaning he is smarter than me).

I kept noticing throughout his lecture today that there were these little puns thrown in every once in a while. But he never cracked a smile. I laughed once, but no one else did, so I was wondering... is this some sort of test? Is this how he entertains the other 98% of his brain while the 2% is lecturing?

I know, you think they are probably just those accidental puns that happen sometimes. The kind where you say "no pun intended" and everyone laughs and you say, "No, really." But c'mon. You have to see these puns to believe them. Here are my two favorites:

1) Talking about the earliest church that has been found (it's in a cave) he aid, "This was a rocky time for the church."

2) Talking about the similarities between pagan and Christian art in the first couple of centuries after Christ he said, "There are common artisitic practices that I would draw on."

So come on... tell me the truth. Do you think those puns are intentional or accidental?

ALL AMERICAN

Krista is in California this week for a seminary class. Which means the kids only need to get their clothing approved by me. Which means a modesty check, not a style check. Z came prancing through the house wearing a shirt which declared --

Z: ALL AMERICAN GIRL! (Pause) Except that I was born in Seattle.

Me: Seattle is in America.

Z: YAY! ALL AMERICAN GIRL!

Ecclesiastes 10:1

Our pastor John taught a great sermon this morning about Ecclesiastes 10:1, which says, "As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honor." He walked us through a series of great observations about how sin works, why "little sins" matter and the strategy used by our opposition to turn little sins into big ones.

It was a sermon that was not only insightful, but fun to listen to as John spent the whole time taking apart one simple metaphor and showing just how deep and profound it is if you take the time to meditate on it.

As a result, I spent some time online tonight hunting down one of the books John mentioned tonight, and I'm pleased to say that thanks to the generous Amazon gifting of my parents, a copy of Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate by Jerry Bridges is winging its way to my house even as we speak.

And, since you can never buy just one book online (HOW WILL I GET FREE SHIPPING?) I also bought a copy of Patrick Michael Finn's A Martyr for Suzy Kosasovich. Patrick and I went to university together. He was always a better writer than me, as I'm sure is evidenced in this novella. He was, in fact, working on this while we were at school together, which just shows how carefully he works his stories over and over until they are perfect. But now that respectable sin of mild jealousy is showing up as I discuss this so I better quit. Ha ha. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading Patrick's book, too.

I don't think John's talk is up yet, but when it is it will be here.

Disarming Questions

A couple of you have written to ask where you can buy a copy of the most recent issue of Discipleship Journal, which has my article "Disarming Questions" in it.

And here is where you can do just that.

Minneapolis

Here we are in the Twin Cities!

We didn't have any travel issues and arrived only about twenty minutes late. We got to the hotel and were hungry for lunch, so we cruised the streets looking for somewhere to eat. Unlike the Northwest, people apparently take the Sabbath seriously and all the restaurants were closed. With one exception. And that is how we ended up eating in Hell's Kitchen. Of course Hell's Kitchen is open on the sabbath. I had a ridiculously good Bison burger.

About 1,800 people showed up for the conference, which is amazing. I gave my first talk last night and couldn't really see those back rows far off in the distance. I spoke about following Jesus and living a life where you are becoming like him.

We're having a good time. Krista and I had lunch today with four college guys and we talked about life, how to hear from God, and what it looks like to be transformed to be like Jesus... a really excellent conversation. Now we're gearing up to run to dinner with an old friend of Krista's. They were on summer project together years ago.

That's the little update for today. I speak again tomorrow night and then on the 31st.

Future Shock!

Krista and I eavesdropped on a group of people from the twentieth century complain about the brave new world of the 21^st century at the Portland airport this morning.

“The security took away my water,” said a woman on her way to Cancun. “It was a brand new bottle that wasn’t even open and now I have to pay three times as much for a bottle half the size.” Several people commiserated.

“I used to take the corporate jet," said a nearby man, somehow connecting this to the inconvenience of being deprived of bottled water. "And now they’re making all of us fly commercial. I had to go buy an iPod and an iPhone because I used to be able to watch movies on the jet and now I can’t.” He also liked to show off by making pronouncements like, “We’re going to be boarding any minute now.” He can tell this because his phone is also a clock!

Another excellent moment was when The Lady From The Past talked about her son’s health care. She has to have his permission to look at his medical forms, even though he’s only fifteen. She’s livid. She pays the bills. He’s a minor. She wants everyone on the plane to know about the insanity of our privacy laws. Her lawyer told her, “Just get him to write you a permission slip.” NO WAY! She is not going to cave to the system. She is going to keep beating her head against the bureaucratic wall. She would rather keep calling and complaining to the medical services than exert her authority over her minor to have him write her a permission slip.

Welcome to the 21^st century fellow travelers from the far flung past, and we hope you enjoy your stay here with us here in the future.

Happy Birthday, A!

Yesterday was A's SIXTH birthday! Krista and I are on our way to Minneapolis this morning, so I'll try to remember to put up some pictures when we get back.

Highlights:

* We had a "Bunny/Kitty party"... A invited over some friends from school and they all crawled around mewing and barking (?).

* Decorations had to rival the "unicorn" from Z's party this year, so I stayed up late with Krista's dad drawing, coloring and cutting out cartoon bunnies and pasting them up all over the house.

* We started with a family breakfast out with us and all the grandparents, followed by feverish house cleaning, followed by two hours of sugar-induced birthday mayhem.

* Once everything had settled down our neighbor Derek called... A had been telling him for days that her birthday was coming. He called and asked what one buys for a six-year-old girl. I suggested a candy bar or a stuffed animal. He showed up with a candy bar... and a drum set. The next hour or so was spent banging the drums as they were being set up. A told Krista last night, "I'm a rock star!"

A, Happy Birthday! We're so thankful for you, for your sweet, friendly way of interacting with the family. We're thankful for all the music you bring into the house with your constant singing, piano and I'm sure in the future drums. We're so proud that you've learned to read and that you are doing so well in Kindergarten and Awanas. Happy Birthday! I'm looking forward to seeing what you do as a six-year-old!

New Discipleship Journal Article

My first feature article in Discipleship Journal is now available in the January/February 2009 issue. The name of the article is "Disarming Questions" and it's about ways to continue a positive conversation about God with people who are hostile to Christianity.

The editors at DJ are great and really excellent people to work with. If you get a chance to pick up the magazine I think you would enjoy it.

The Post of Christmas Present

Me: A, what was your favorite Christmas moment?

A: When all our friends and family came over to our house. WAIT! No, it was when Jesus came and died on the cross for our sins.

Me: That's very sweet, A. I meant your favorite Christmas moment from the last day or two.

A: Oh. Then it's when all our friends and family came over.

Me: Z, how about you? Favorite Christmas moment?

Z: When Mom said I could have two of her Breyer horses! And also when I got Dreamer (another Breyer horse).

The Post of Christmas Past

A couple of favorite BHR Christmas moments....

2007: What Christmas Means to Me

2006: The Christmas Hierarchy

2005: The Key to Christmas

BONUS: The Christmas-inspired moment that brought the Very First episode of Eavesdropping with Matt to the faithful minions here at BHR.

Christmas quote from Shirley Temple

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

Shirley Temple

A Christmas Ghost Story

One of the most famous Christmas stories, of course, is Dickens' A Christmas Carol. You can read the original here.

A Great Light

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;
On those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy;
They rejoice before you as people rejoice in the harvest,
As men rejoice when dividing the plunder.
For as in the day of Midian’s defeat, you have shattered
The yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor.
Every warrior’s boot used in battle, and every garment rolled in blood
Will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be upon his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom,
Establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this.

A Christmas "What If?"

Here's an interesting article that asks the question, "Would Christmas have still come even if we had not sinned?"

It's worth a read.

And there were in the same country...

And there were in the same country, shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them and they were sore afraid. And the angel said to them, Fear not! For behold I bring you glad tidings of great joy which shall be for all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you" ye shall find the child wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly with the angel appeared a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying Glory to God in the highest and on earth, peace and good will toward humanity.

News from My Neighborhood: Winter Wonderland

The lady at Home Depot asked, "Are you ready for the snow?"

"I think so," I said. I was buying a forty pound bag of water softening salt, because they had run out of regular rock salt. No one around here was ready for so much snow.

"When you're a kid," she said, "Snow is all about magic. You grow up and it's all about work."

Trying to get home was work. The cars spinning on the ice, the semis breaking every traffic rule to try to get onto the right street. Pileups and accidents slowed everything down. After five cycles at a light waiting for a left hand turn, but receiving nothing, I decided to head North and then double back on another road farther from the crowds of incompetent ice drivers.

As I moved up the street, I saw a left hand turn that looked familiar. The snow made it hard to tell if it was the street I thought it was... everything was uniform white, smooth and stretched out to more white smoothness. I took the turn.

A few minutes later everything looked familiar, but not quite right. The snow-covered houses could be any snow-covered houses. A field of sheep was on the right side, and I thought they should be on the left. I picked up a compass between the seats and held it up. I should be going West. But the compass didn't turn.

A dark wood crept up on the road, the snow like the caps of waves. As I went around a curve I heard a muffled thunder from the wood. The car slid on the ice, and I wrangled the car back on track. I stopped, the adrenalin and blood pounding through me, and turned off the car for a minute. I looked up, and emerging from the wood was a centaur, his hooves flinging up the snow. He stopped in front of the car, his chest heaving, his breath rising like clouds, his hair encased in ice and sweat. He looked at me with wide, golden eyes, then back to the woods. He motioned with his hand for me to follow, and trotted across the road and into the dark woods.

I had read enough as a child to know that this was the moment in which I could enter into some great adventure. A howling from the distance told me that something--or someone--was on his trail. I sat for a long time until the air in the car started to cool. Then I reached down and turned the key in the ignition. I had a driveway to shovel, and ice to melt on the walkway.

Around the curve, the street came out into a familiar road, and I made it home without any excitement.

The Wave of Batmania Continues

There's been a lot of rumors going around about the next Batman movie, which is just silly because the director hasn't even signed yet. So while we wait, here's yet more Dark Knight to tide you over:

News From My Neighborhood

Snow To Go.  Some enterprising young lads walked through the neighborhood today, offering to shovel our driveway for "a couple of bucks."  As it happened we had five dollars.  So we asked the "salesman" on the porch if that was enough.  He looked to the street for secret signals, received the affirmative and he and his partner set to work.  A while later we started to feel guilty that each kid had done more than his two-fifty worth of work, so I went out and shooed them away. 

Master Bargainer.  The neighbor across the street paid twenty bucks to the same kids.  Yup.  Which brings us to the following rules: 1) Don't underestimate how little money it takes to motivate a teenager.  2) Being cheap is easier when you don't keep cash on hand.

The Fleet.  Several of our neighbors own snowmobiles and four wheelers.  This means that when they get home from work there is a great deal of snow-spurting four wheelers sliding through the neighborhood.

On a related note.  I saw some idiot kid trying to ride his motorcycle on the ten inches of snow on the main road.

Balance

On the walk to go sledding yesterday, the kids liked to climb one neighbor's retaining wall and balance all the way across. Here's me serving as a safety net for A.

On the way back I did the same thing for Z.

"Dad," she asked. "Could you hold my hand?"

"No," I said, "But you can put your hand on my shoulder."

"So if I fall you'll know I'm falling?"

"That's right."

"And then you'll catch me?"

"No, then I'll know to look around for you on the ground."

Yes, I know. I'm a great Dad. You don't even have to tell me, I know already.

Picture This

Whenever I speak at a conference or something, Krista tries to get a picture.

Here's a pretty typical example from when I spoke at WOU. Notice the look of consternation on my face. I am holding my Bible open and my hands up as if to say, "I don't have any idea what this book is about, either."

Also, please note my refusal to use the microphone (left). I want to make sure that nothing I say is recorded and held against me.

Krista and I leave on the 28th for the TCX conference in Minneapolis, where I get to be one of the main speakers. I'm pretty excited.

Santa Snowbound

The kids' gradeschool had to cancel the big Christmas party this year because of the weather. Santa comes to our school and gives actual gifts to all the children.

Kids were all wondering, "Why can't Santa get here just because of the snow?"

It's because Santa lives mostly in his second home in Florida. He sits on the lanai and smokes his cigar while watching the alligators eat birds. It takes a lot of effort for him to take off his Hawaiian shirt and pull on that big red coat.