Book Berzerker presents Richard Stark's Parker: The Hunter

When I got home from class yesterday I was excited to see that my copy of Parker: The Hunter had finally arrived.

Adapted from Richard Stark's novel of the same name, Hunter is the story of a criminal named Parker who is double crossed by his wife and partner and left for dead. But he's not dead, and he shows up with a cold, calculating plan for revenge. Parker is played out with almost machine-like implacability, but that's just a mask for the raging emotions underneath.

This book (Darwyn Cooke's doing) has some of the most gorgeous sequential art I've seen in a long time. It's well worth your time to click through the link above and click "search inside this book" to see a few pages. The whole thing is done in black and white with blue shading. I'm about halfway through the book right now and if you're a fan of Chandler, Connelly or crime fiction in general, this is a book you're going to want to pick up.

Sermon on the Mount class with Bill Mounce this week

I'm taking a class at Western Seminary this week... a three day look at Jesus' sermon on the mount by Bill Mounce. If you're interested in seeing the sort of thing we'll be discussing, my professor has free podcasts of the two year series he preached on the sermon on the mount online. That's right, two years. I know. Read it again. Two years. He will have to talk fast to fit it all into 2.5 days.

I'm looking forward to this class. We're going to take a pretty deep look at this key sermon of Christ. I'll try to give you some worthwhile tidbits from the class later this week. In the meantime, if the internet causes you to sin, cut it off. It's better to enter Heaven without wireless than keep it and go to Hell. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Now it's time to play our game

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Did you guess which thing was not like the others?
Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong?
If you guessed this one is not like the others,
Then you're absolutely...right!








A: It's me, Matt Mikalatos.

James Joyce reviews the Brothers Karamazov

I was on Amazon looking at The Brothers Karamazov. I have been debating reading it because I feel like an uncultured Philistine for not having read it yet. Anyway, this review by Irish author James Joyce (1882-1941) caught my eye:

"[Leo] Tolstoy admired him but he thought that he had little artistic
accomplishment or mind. Yet, as he said, 'he admired his heart', a criticism
which contains a great deal of truth, for though his characters do act
extravagantly, madly, almost, still their basis is firm enough underneath... The
Brothers Karamazov... made a deep impression on me... he created some
unforgettable scenes [detail]... Madness you may call it, but therein may be the
secret of his genius... I prefer the word exaltation, exaltation which can merge
into madness, perhaps. In fact all great men have had that vein in them; it was
the source of their greatness; the reasonable man achieves nothing." -- James
Joyce

Then I saw this:

"This text refers to the Kindle Edition of this book."

WHAT? HOW DID THEY GET JAMES JOYCE A KINDLE EDITION OF THIS BOOK TO REVIEW? That's amazing. He's been dead for almost 70 years and now he's reviewing books on his Kindle. Neat. Maybe he'll give an endorsement for my book! I'll have to ask Amazon about that....

Darth Vader in Love

I debated putting this up a few months ago. My friend Alan sent it to me again this week and I still thought it was funny. So, here you go: Darth Vader in love.

Philosophy Talk: Literature and Philosophy

As I was on my way to the grocery store last night I heard part of a radio show called "Philosophy Talk" which was discussing the relationship between Literature and Philosophy. It was a great discussion, but I didn't get to hear it all because I had to take a break and actually buy groceries in the middle.

It was a helpful show, though, as I've been thinking through how best to explain my book, which is both fiction and theology. I'm planning to listen to the rest of the show later. Here's a link if you want to hear it: http://www.philosophytalk.org/pastShows/PhilosophyandLiterature.htm

Daddy's Little Girl

It seems that Baby M's Mikalatos genes are already kicking in. I was teasing her about not being able to walk yet at 2 weeks old and she gave me this look.

The Age of Dragonflies

Riding in the car a few days ago, my daughter A was reading about dragonflies. Then she piped up with this:

A: Dad! This says that dragonflies first came on the Earth 300 million years ago.

Me: Oh yeah?

A: But I don't think that's right!

Me: Why not?

A: Because God made dragonflies. And he's been around a lot longer than 300 million years!

Return of the Mormons

My neighbor across the street, Derek, was standing out on his porch talking to the new Mormon missionaries assigned to our neighborhood. After a while I decided to wander over and say hello. I learned a few things (like when you're excommunicated from the LDS church you can still go to services but you're not allowed to pay tithes... weird). I asked about the second heaven that's so great that if we could see it now we'd kill ourselves to go there... and so long as you've been a good person that's where you get to go. One of the guys said, "Well, that's not really true, that rumor gets around but that's not really true." I told him that the person who told me that was the last missionary assigned to the neighborhood and he said, "Well, it's true but widely misunderstood." Oh.

The most special moment was as everyone was getting ready to leave Derek said, "Matt's an author." And then a minute later he said, "Tell them the name of your book, Matt."

Me: "Imaginary Jesus."

And then there was a long, awkward pause. Then I explained that it wasn't a book against Jesus.

Mormons: You should come to our church for services sometime.

News from My Neighborhood: The Jehovah Witnesses are Here

This morning I went out to my car to get something (okay, okay, my kids left their hairbrush in the car and couldn't find it themselves). As I bent over, rummaging through the detritus of accumulated child life in the back seat, a strange male voice floated over to me and said good morning.

I stood up and saw a man who had apparently just arrived from attending church in the 1950s. Next to him was a lady wearing a lovely floral dress to compliment his suit. He began, as I recall, by asking me if I had my Saturday chores all planned out. I told him we had a new baby and therefore wouldn't be doing chores. We exchanged baby related pleasantries.

I turned back to the car and bid them a good morning, and the man called for my attention once more so that he could show me a copy of the Watchtower, which would guide me through my confusion about the Bible by giving me a reading plan. Then he showed me how you could cut it out along the dotted lines. I liked how he assumed that I both wanted to read the Bible and also that I found it intimidating and difficult.

I told him that I didn't need his magazine, but thanks. He asked, "Are you a Bible reader yourself?" I told him yes. He asked if I had a special Bible verse for being a father. I wasn't sure what he meant. He said a special verse I went to as a father. I scratched my head and told him that so far as I knew they were all equally special and I hadn't really singled any out for special duty to me as a father. He quickly agreed and said good-bye.

I went out a minute later and they had moved on to our Russian neighbors, who never get up that early in the morning. At this time of the morning the father usually answers the door in his shorts. Then they went to the next neighbor down. He's deaf, and they seemed discouraged when no one answered. They got in their car (which, strangely, had two more JWs inside) and left the neighborhood.

I was a little disappointed that I didn't have the energy to engage in a lively conversation with them. Oh well. I'm sure they'll be back.

The Sassifier

We're learning a lot of new lessons with the a baby in the house for the first time in six years. Baby M took a pacifier for the first time yesterday... Z never took one at all, so I was glad to see that she might take one. When A saw her take it she said, "Hey! I thought you said that M didn't like sassifiers!"

And suddenly it all made sense. My kids never took pacifiers, which would have, one assumes, pacified them. No. They were using sassifiers. Which is why they are so sassy.

Now Krista and I know what to do when the kids are getting a little edgy with us. Confiscate the sassifiers.

Wonderful Wednesday: Powerbocking

Powerbocking is essentially jumping stilts. The guy who invented them had been studying kangaroo biology.

Here's what I made for dinner tonight

This salmon with fresh green beans from our garden, yellow peppers and dill pistou. Made some wild rice to go along with it. Then we went to Burgerville and had some fresh blackberry milkshakes for dessert.

All the adults present seemed to like the meal. Z refused to eat and went to bed hungry. A said she wanted this meal every night, but without the green beans.

An open letter to whomever designs my infant's clothing

Dear Designer:

I realized as I was changing my daughter's clothes this morning at 2 am that you probably don't remember or haven't experienced some of what I am about to describe.

Imagine for a moment that you are suffering from sleep deprivation. Not, I went to a party and stayed out late laughing with my friends sleep deprivation, but I woke to a hungry mouth calling from somewhere in my house (just like an hour ago) and this is going to keep happening for several days in a row sort of sleep deprivation.

Now imagine that as a result your manual dexterity has declined and that you have to be careful when, for instance, picking up a pillow that you don't somehow break it or rip it into shreds because your hands seem to ignore your brain's directions.

And speaking of brains, let's imagine that your mental acuity has suffered as well and you find yourself saying things like "I'm glad it's April finally" and just assuming that everyone will figure out that you meant "That other month that starts with an A". Pretend that it takes you upwards of two hours to even realize that you said April instead of the word you meant, and the only way you figure it out at all is because someone at the time decided to mess with you and said, "Yup, can't wait for Easter."

Now imagine that it's two in the morning and your kid has just emitted some sort of fluid onto her clothing and needs to change again, for the sixth time this day, and that as you try to get her little pajamas on you realize that this outfit like too many others has SNAPS! NOOOOOOO! WHy not a zipper? WHy seventeen snaps? And why is it that no matter how carefully you try to make sure that you get them all snapped, at the end of the pajama you're one snap off and are left a strange wrinkle mocking you and saying that you somehow missed the other piece? How many minutes have I spent staring at the pajamas and telling my brain you can do this, you can figure this out?

Of course, the sheer waste of time involved in me staring at the pajamas as if it were the Sunday New York Times Crossword puzzle is counter-balanced by the enormous amount of time I am awake in the day. So I guess we have that going for us.

But in conclusion, I would like to encourage you to contact your R and D department and suggest that they put a lot of work into designing some sort of clothing that would actually crawl onto children on command.

Sincerely,

Matt

In the House of God Forever

As I drove across the vast, nearly endless plains states on my way home from Colorado, a bank of dark clouds stretched away to my south, like a dark companion without beginning or end. A hole formed in the underside of the cloud at an angle that allowed me to see through it and up to the clear blue sky above. And I could see through that brief window that above the clouds there was the bright arc of a rainbow.

The stereo hummed along and soft voices began to sing wordlessly in gentle harmony, giving the whole scene a soundtrack that underscored its unique beauty. The thoughts of a covenant sign hidden by darkness but revealed as a promise of safety came to me, and then the voices that filled the car sang these words:

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting.
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quiet streams.

Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'cause you are with me
You are with me.

Your shepherd staff
Comforts me.
You are my feast
In the presence of enemies
Surely goodness
Will follow me
Follow me
In the house of God
Forever.

McGruff the Crime Dog says, DON'T DO DRUGS!

We're all moved in back home today... probably put up more pictures, etc. later sometime when we catch our breath. I will say that the new medical lingo referring to this time with a newborn as the "fourth trimester" is either mathematically challenged or purposely doing violence to our language.

Tonight I was getting Krista's pills out and A asked me something.

"Just a minute," I said to A, "I have to get Mom's drugs."

She looked at me intensely and said, "DRUGS?!"

In about three seconds every anti-drug advertisement and cartoon I had ever seen flew through my brain... from an egg representing my brain and on through the musical stylings of McGruff the Crime Dog.

"Uh," I said. "I meant medicine."

A looked at me skeptically. "Then why did you say drugs?"

"Some medicines can also be called drugs," I said.

And then she gave me the most withering look of pure disappointment. As if to say, Dad, I thought I raised you better than that.

Angel On A Train

John C. Wright, science fiction writer, former atheist, gentleman and (gasp) Christian has posted a free short story on his blog. You can read it here. It's the story of a man who discovers an incognito angel about to board a train and decides to buy a ticket to the same destination....

Baby M comes to stay

Our new baby was scheduled for August 7th, a planned C-section. We thought we had time to prepare. Yesterday we were talking about how we weren't quite ready -- and then Krista's water broke. A scene of film-worthy mayhem insued as I threw whatever I could lay hands

on into the van, half thinking we would get to the hospital and they would say it was some sort of mistake. But, no, within two hours I was giving our little one a bath:

She was born at 11:42 last night, and weighed eight pounds and just over an ounce. She's 19.75 inches long and she's gorgeous.

I got to wear this space suit for the momentous occasion. The doctor used to be a veterinarian and he performed a ridiculously fast surgery. I asked why he tied a cord onto the bar near Krista's head and one of the nurses told me it was because he was used to doing c-sections without any help.

Krista is doing great... much better than I've seen her do in previous deliveries. The staff here have been excellent. Krista hasn't gotten much sleep yet, but hopefully that's coming soon.

We let A come over in the middle of the night last night, and she was thrilled to meet her little sister. Z is at summer camp, so we called her this morning to share the joyous news. SHe was disappointed to miss the birth but said it was amazing to know she had a new little sister.

I'm so thankful to have a healthy new daughter, and that Krista is doing well also. We see Baby M as our miracle child... after two miscarriages our pastor preached on healing, and another one of the pastors prayed for us to be able to have another child... and here she is! Thanks to everyone for all your prayers and your friendship.

We'll be in the hospital at least through Friday... we'll keep you updated!

Wonderful Wednesday: We Will Love Watermelon! It is too cute for you!

Imaginary Jesus tagline CHAMPIONS!

Friends, I had a great deal of fun reading your entries into the Imaginary Jesus Tagline Contest. I naively thought there would be one spectacular entry that would trump all others, but I was mistaken. There were many excellent entries and after a lot of vicious indecision, I've come up with a list of my top three favorites, all of whom will receive the prize package... a free, signed copy, mention in the acknowledgments and my gratitude.

Here they are, in the order they were received:

1) "Imaginary Jesus: beyond the flannelboard" from Janet O. I like the Sunday School reference which reminds me of a lot of my childhood experience of Jesus. I have a soft spot in my heart for flannelboards. Also puppets.

2) Sam said... Imaginary Jesus: Hot pursuit of the most popular man who never existed. I think what I like about this one is "the most popular man who never existed." I like the irony of it.

3) I'm guessing we could never use this one, but it made me laugh so hard that I had to give Kyle a shout out and a free book. Kyle Collins said... Imaginary Jesus: De-robing the Messiah. That's so wrong that it is a sort of classic.

So, congratulations Janet, Sam and Kyle. The book comes out in April, so enjoy your long wait. As for the rest of you, lots of excellent entries... I've been talking with the people at Tyndale and I think we're going to have more contests in the months to come. Keep your eyes peeled (eww).

Cheese in SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

I couldn't resist linking to cheese in space.

The chairman of the endeavor says, "It seemed appropriate... that we should mark the anniversary of the first moo-n landing with a giant leap for cheesekind."

I am a little disappointed that no rockets are involved, so I have included the photo at left.

Photo via midiman.

Imaginary Jesus tagline winners announced tomorrow!

I have the tagline contest whittled down to the final round, and by tomorrow I will announce the winners! There are plenty of good ones to choose from, but I do have my favorites.

Stay tuned....

They used to get more love

There's a great article in the NYT this weekend about the search for a gender-neutral singular pronoun and the rise and fall and rise again of the plural pronoun as a solution to that problem. If you enjoy language, trivia or social and cultural insights, I think you'll find this article interesting.

It was interesting learning to speak a little Chinese, because in the spoken language there is no differentiation made between he/she. Everybody is ta, male or female. Ta went to the market. Learning the gender pronouns in English took some time for our Asian friends, so we would occasionally be treated to sentences like, "My boyfriend is coming to visit this weekend. She is very wonderful."

An interesting sidenote is that while in Chinese there is no differentiation whatsoever in the pronoun used for he, she or it, the written language does have that distinction: 他(he), 她 (she), 它(it), all three pronounced ta.

Robots: "How to Serve Man (the cookbook)"

Yes, the very popular EATR robot has been recently released. It can devour biomass. Rumor is that it can eat human flesh.

But no, says Robot Technology Inc. “We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO in a recent press release.

No, I suspect that mission belongs to another robot technology department. Besides, the military would probably not name a flesh eating robot "EATR" they would name it something like "SAM" or "NUMBER 5" or "WALL-e".

At last, something from my childhood movies is becoming reality. I may not have a rocket car or a jet pack, but thank God there will be Robot Vampires. Yay!

I know what you are wondering: Matt, how do you feel about the impending robot revolution?

Answer: Does not compute.

Wonderful Wednesday: Japanese Manhole Covers

Now it's time to celebrate Japanese painted manhole covers!

Let us also celebrate their fire hydrants!

It's only rock and roll but I like it

An interesting article in the Oregonian yesterday about Portland-based artists who specialize in rock and roll poster art, including people like Mike King, Guy Burwell and Emek.

I want one of these guys to make a cool rock show type poster for the release of Imaginary Jesus and then I'll ship them out to people and we'll put them up on telephone poles. It will be awesome. Now I just have to steel myself for the inevitable discovery that it costs lots and lots of money to get one of these posters made. Right?

In other cool art news, Sarah from Tyndale (she will be famous by the time my book finally gets published) sent me some cover ideas for Imaginary Jesus. There are five concept covers right now, one of which is my hands down, all around, can't see how other people wouldn't pick it first favorite. Krista would choose that one as number four or five.

Anyway, sometime this week we'll spend some time discussing the cover concepts and hopefully move toward some sort of consensus between me, Sarah From Tyndale, Wes The Agent, Nancy The Publicity Person and Whomever Else gets a say.

The traditional airport post

Here I am at the Denver airport with Krista and the kids, racing them home for a couple of days before returning to CO for our conference on Tuesday. I haven't seen the typical aberrant behavior at the airport that allows me to write entertaining posts so I will just have to make stuff up, I guess.

Z woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well, so we're traveling with a sick kid. I bought my ticket using miles and through some weird fluke of airline pricing I got a first class ticket for the number of points as an economy ticket would have been. I lovingly gave that ticket to my wife, though, because I thought that when an eight and half months pregnant woman is flying she should be treated like royalty. I'll be with the kids in the back, which should be fun.

Okay, off to the races. Have a great day, minions.

Last Chance

Today's the last day to enter the Imaginary Jesus tagline contest! So send your best, wackiest, worst and goofiest ideas in now!

Or else!

Let us now praise awesome dinosaurs!

Strange Horizons is an online, weekly speculative fiction magazine.

All of which is unnecessary prelude to the fact that you must read LET US NOW PRAISE AWESOME DINOSAURS! It is the story of Martian dinosaurs come to earth to do stunt car racing. No, really.

It starts off with a dinosaur trying to buy a handgun....

And, like many good things on this blog, I came across this via boingboing.

Wonderful Wednesday: Pomegranates

Some people say that the "Fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil" in the Garden of Eden was actually a pomegranate. I buy it. I think Adam and Eve took a bite and blood red juice got all over them and stained their skin.

Grenades are named after them.

It's also the inspiration for the best phone ever. I don't know if you can get it in the States yet.

One issue: don't you think it should be spelled "pomagranite"?

Superman vs the cops

Friend of the Revolution Ken sent us this link to a story about Superman using brute force against New York City police officers.

As always, Batman used his superior intelligence to sit nearby, handcuffed to a lawn chair.

Oh, Superman... it has all gone downhill for you since "Superman Lives."

On the bright side, that cop that is putting the cuffs on is going to be famous.

Soda, Pop, or Coke?

Stumbled on a weird and wonderful blog today that puts up strange maps and then comments on them in detail... everything from a Russian thinker's future US map (for after our financial collapse) to a map like the one above... detailing by color where people prefer to call soft drinks "soda" or "pop" or "coke." Click on the map for a closer look, it's well worth it.

Obviously the correct term is soda. But I grew up in California, so maybe that's just my cultural bias showing. Feel free to leave a comment defending your own preference.

Web Site Story

My sister Dawn sent me a note to check out this video, and I thought it was great enough to pass along to all of you. We talked for a while about the uses of technology and this is one of them... to create a video that looks like it's from the 1950's that talks about today's technology in the form of a traditional muscial:

I have a weak spot in my heart for comedy musicals.

Can't stop thinking about Japan

This is rice paddy art. It's made by planting different colors of plants in the rice paddy fields so that it makes a recognizable pattern. Certain areas of Japan are famous for their elaborate ones (like the samurai above, which is on display this year).


I had no idea about this until I read about it in Boingboing yesterday.

Imaginary Jesus tagline contest rules addendum

Sarah Atkinson, one of the acquisitions editors at Tyndale, talked with me yesterday about the Imaginary Jesus tagline contest.

She started by saying, "I have a bone to pick with you." I suddenly realized that I hadn't talked with anyone at Tyndale about my little contest. Uh-oh.

Then she said, "What do I get if I win the contest?"

I said, "The same thing as anyone else." Because she should really read the whole post instead of skimming, that's what I say.

But she pointed out that the likelihood that she would receive a signed copy anyway was pretty high since she's working on the book and I'll be crossing paths with her at various conferences and events in the future. I told her that I wasn't some pushover author that would just cave and give copies to someone just because they were pushy acquisitions editors. But she pointed out that she could probably wear me down eventually.

So I have to add this addendum to the rules: "If the winner of the contest doesn't want the other prizes listed, they may choose to receive instead an original Matt Mikalatos hand-drawn picture of a pony or unicorn. In color."

The End.

Rad full scale Gundam

I keep forgetting to post about this rad full scale Gundam model in Japan. My friend Alan sent me this link a while back. Neat!

Imaginary Jesus tag line competition -- tell your friends

The Contest:

We're working on a tag line for Imaginary Jesus (coming to bookstores near you in April 2010). Basically, in this contest I'm asking you to throw out your best ideas for a tag line. I'm looking for something clever and catchy that sort of sums up everything about the book. You can see a basic "back of the book" type description here. Here are some thoughts by someone about tag lines in general. I'm looking for a quick phrase that is humorous and sharpens the reader's expectation beyond what the title implies. A few examples:

Imaginary Jesus: Real as a Unicorn

Imaginary Jesus: The best friend you never knew you had.

Or preferably something better than those.

Rules:

1) Enter by posting your tag line idea in the comments section of this post. Post as many as you like.

2) I'll need some way to get ahold of you if you win. So anonymous, contact-less entries won't get a prize even if they win. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A BLOGGER ACCOUNT TO LEAVE A COMMENT! And if you want to send me your contact info, post your comment and then write me at matt.mikalatos(at)gmail.com.

3) It has to be original and it has to be yours. So taglines like "In space no one can hear you scream" or "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!" don't count. I guess you can post them just to be funny though, you sick, sick people.

4) Deadline for entries is July 17th, because that's my birthday and because I say so.

5) No whining if it takes a while to announce a winner, because I'm learning that the publishing world spins a little slower than the world outside. Whiners automatically forfeit all rights except for those specifically granted under the Magna Carta of 1215.

6) All entries must be type-written.

7) It's a tag line, not a poetry contest. Keep it short. Haiku length or shorter.

The Prize:

It's a three parter. TO THE WINNER GOES THE SPOILS! ONE, your name in the acknowledgements of the book itself. TWO, a copy of Imaginary Jesus signed by the author (when it comes out of course). THREE, my gratitude. I will even write a thank you note to you.

Of course you also get bragging rights, but that goes without saying.

Now get to work, people.

Legal Stuff:

Okay, I'm not a lawyer but just so you know this contest is illegal wherever such contests are illegal, and is not sponsored by Tyndale, Barna Books, Campus Crusade for Christ or anyone associated with those organizations. Final determination of who wins goes to moi (moi = Matt Mikalatos) and whomever I might choose to include in said determination. Moi reserves the right not to use a tag line, to use multiple tag lines or to use a tag line not generated by this contest. By leaving a comment and/or tagline here you are giving permission for it to be used in the publication and publicity of all kinds for Imaginary Jesus. Forever. In the whole universe. And other dimensions. Even other dimensions where, perhaps, you are evil instead of the pleasant, reasonable person whom you appear to be here in our dimension. Please remember that in the end this is all for fun. It's not like I'm promising, for instance, to make you the poet laureate of a laureate-less state.

The Fireworks Song: Happy 4th of July!

Please enjoy this video from Rhett and Link, celebrating the heroes of American Firework History:

LIghtning Safety Tips

Today a bunch of us from Xtrack went up into the Soapstone Prairie Natural Area to help the city of Fort Collins with weed control. There's an invasive species of weed and we were just the people to help get to the root of the problem.

Toward the end of the day a storm appeared on the horizon and a low grumble of thunder echoed across the prairie. Pat, our guide, immediately told us to grab out stuff and head for the van. We all made some jokes but he started telling us that lightning could strike from several miles away, and that we should spread out and not run and that several people die from lightning strikes every day. He didn't care for our jokes about lightning.

This suddenly reminded me of when I was in an earthquake in Seattle and people kept saying things like, "SHOULDN'T WE RUN OUTSIDE?" Which, of course, you should not. Then I looked down at the street afterward and people were walking around looking up into the sky. As if the earthquake had somehow come from the sky.

I decided that -- as a service to all the other non-Coloradoans living in Fort Collins this summer -- I would publish the strange and unfamiliar rules of lightning as found at the National Lightning Safety Institute.

Personal Lightning Safety Tips

1. PLAN in advance your evacuation and safety measures. When you first see lightning or hear thunder, activate your emergency plan. Now is the time to go to a building or a vehicle. Lightning often precedes rain, so don't wait for the rain to begin before suspending activities.

2. IF OUTDOORS...Avoid water. Avoid the high ground. Avoid open spaces. Avoid all metal objects including electric wires, fences, machinery, motors, power tools, etc. Unsafe places include underneath canopies, small picnic or rain shelters, or near trees. Where possible, find shelter in a substantial building or in a fully enclosed metal vehicle such as a car, truck or a van with the windows completely shut. If lightning is striking nearby when you are outside, you should:

A. Crouch down. Put feet together. Place hands over ears to minimize hearing damage from thunder.

B. Avoid proximity (minimum of 15 ft.) to other people.

3. IF INDOORS... Avoid water. Stay away from doors and windows. Do not use the telephone. Take off head sets. Turn off, unplug, and stay away from appliances, computers, power tools, & TV sets. Lightning may strike exterior electric and phone lines, inducing shocks to inside equipment.

4. SUSPEND ACTIVITIES for 30 minutes after the last observed lightning or thunder.

5. INJURED PERSONS do not carry an electrical charge and can be handled safely. Apply First Aid procedures to a lightning victim if you are qualified to do so. Call 911 or send for help immediately.

6. KNOW YOUR EMERGENCY TELEPHONE NUMBERS.

Teach this safety slogan:

"If you can see it, flee it; if you can hear it, clear it."

Meeting Doodle #10: NINJA!

It's such a shame when ninja attack an innocent old man. On the other hand, it appears that someone stole the ninja's katanas. Maybe it was this same old men. GO GET HIM NINJA!

Funny commercial from India

Krista is giving a talk on contextualization tomorrow at Xtrack, so I'm looking around at some interesting cultural clips and things along those lines. I stumbled across this charming and funny commercial and thought I would share:

Matt Mikalatos with Ambassador Speakers

The good folks at Ambassador Speakers Bureau and Literary Agency recently sent out an email letting people know that I am available to speak at various churches and conferences and so on. They wrote this rather flattering paragraph:

"Author of the forthcoming Tyndale/Barna book, Imaginary Jesus, Matt understands the dialect of our culture and will help you discover fresh tools for evangelism and outreach. He is passionate about a vibrant Christianity that comes with the discovery of the authentic Jesus. Matt will ignite your passion for evangelism and will do it with humor, power and a passion for friends, associates and neighbors who have not yet found the life Jesus offers. Matt has been a writer for the Wittenberg Door and is terminally funny. He has also been a contributor to Discipleship Journal published by The Navigators and other periodicals."

Aw, shucks! I'm blushing! I'm really excited about the opportunity to speak in some new places and to have a chance to talk with more people about Jesus. YEAH!

Click here to learn more about MATT MIKALATOS at AmbassadorSpeakers.com It's my "official bio" and some talk links.

Sarah Kaufmann, Cheese Carving Lady

I met this lady the other day at a grocery store. She's a full time cheese sculptor. She said three people in the United States make their living from carving cheese sculptures. She goes to various grocery stores and events and makes sculptures. She said that next month she's doing a life-sized Neil Armstrong cheese statue in honor of the moon landing anniversary. Because the moon is made out of cheese.

Her favorite medium is cheddar because it's a soft cheese that people will sometimes eat after the event.

Several of you have requested sculptures of my head. I think this would be a viable option.

Meeting Doodles #9: On Fire!

About eight years ago, the story of Moses and the burning bush became increasingly important to me in my spiritual walk. As I started having deeper intimacy with Christ, this terrifying moment of Moses finding God's divine presence in the midst of the midnight desert hit home.

So I find myself drawing a burning bush every once in a while... it's a reminder to approach Him with reverence, to expect Him to speak, and to turn aside and investigate strange things, because they just may be a path into His presence.

Places I've had "burning bush" moments:

Hidden away in a stand of bamboo in China.

Walking the Oregon coastline on a foggy day.

Sunset in Joshua Tree.

How about you? Where has God met with you in unexpected ways and places?

Meeting Doodles #8: StrengthsFinder

My coaching group just went through our StrengthsFinder material and then we tried to figure out what our strengths themes would be... what our strengths would uniquely qualify us to do or be. Here are the results:

Dan Culbertson, zombie killer.

Matt Mikalatos, cage fighter.

Peter Hibbs, pony trainer.

I'll come back and list our strengths and why these unique strengths contribute to us moving toward these excellent vocations.

Smart Aleck Hollywood Movie Stars

Tonight we were out at "Taste of Western Europe" with the family, a party hosted by all the CCC people going through Xtrack who are from or headed to Western Europe. There was way too much truly excellent food and we had wonderful conversations with our many friends there. On the way out I told the kids to get ready to go like so...

Me: Okay, movie stars, get your shoes on.

A: Why did you call us movie stars?

Me: Because you're so beautiful.

Z: And you are the movie stars' servant.

Bike to Work Day

Today while I was out on my morning jog (!) I noticed a big tent up ahead, with food splayed out over the table. As I got closer I realized it was a big breakfast in honor of cyclists who were riding their bikes to work because it's bike to work day in Fort Collins, Colorado. Pancakes, bananas, milk and eggs were available for free to anyone who rides their bike to work, because we care about the environment.

But... breakfast is not available to the joggers. Never mind that we, too, are saving the environment by not driving. Never mind that we didn't even cause metal to be turned into a transportation conveyance. It's a perfect example of having a vision (SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT) and a tactic to move us along toward it (FREE BREAKFAST FOR BIKERS!) that loses the reason it existed in the first place (Let's go fill the van with food that was trucked in from all over the world and feed anyone on a bike... but not joggers).

It doesn't really matter because I don't like pancakes or bananas, I have my own milk and I can't eat eggs. So I guess I'll go jump in the shower so I can get in the car to drive to my meetings....

Meeting Doodles #7: ROBOTS RULE!

One of the big things here at XTrack is my coaching group. This is where I get together with a couple of other guys and we talk about life and issues they might face overseas. We also spend a lot of time talking about the inevitability of the coming Robot Apocalypse and how we can survive it by pretending to be robots ourselves. This involves a great deal of stuffing emotions and saying "THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE" if someone asks about your emotions.



And here is a picture of us after the ROBOT UPRISING. On the far left you can see Dan Culbertson AKA CULBETRON. Next in line is Peter Hibbs, whose robot signifier is THE HIBBS 3000. You can see a single solitary tear coming down his cheek because of the unfeeling slaughter of the people who were not prepared for the coming of the robot army. As you can see MIKALATATRON is smiling like an idiot. This will probably be the end of him when the robots turn their sensors toward him. His last words will be DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUUUUUUUUUTE!


If your ocular sensors cannot see the detail of the picture above, double click for a closer view.

I haven't forgotten you

I have been a little busy getting back up to speed with my family as well as getting time with friends here at Xtrack.

But there is more to come at BHR. Topics to remind me of should I not cover them in the next few days:

* Father's Day gifts and time with the family

* A life-sized Neil Armstrong made of... cheese

* Copy Lines for Imaginary Jesus

* And so much more

As for now I am off to bed.

Meeting Doodles #6: X Track Horizon

In a few minutes I'll be on the way to pick up Krista and the kids at the airport!



All the pieces of Xtrack are coming together nicely.



I noticed that for some reason all my recent Xtrack doodles have been horizontal rather than vertical. Strange.

I love you, World (in a strictly platonic sense)

I feel good tonight because tomorrow Krista and the kids will catch up with me in Colorado at long last! I am excited to see them! We've decided that this separation shall remain our longest one from here on out.

You know how sometimes you are so excited and happy that all is forgiven between you and the rest of the world? I feel like that.

I stumbled upon this picture by Scott Campbell that expresses it nicely.

If they can love each other, so can we all. Awwww, sweet Alien.

You can purchase Scott's art here.

Captain America Alive Again... Now He Will Beat Up Some More Nazis

I'm glad to say that Captain America, who died some time ago, is coming back to life this July. You may recall that I predicted this EVEN DOWN TO THE TIMING (okay, I said July 4th and it comes out July 1st, whatever). This is why from now on you will refer to me as... THE INEXPLICABLE PROGNOSTICATOR!

And now, as if in celebration, I give you this classic Cap moment at left. You may recall last time I gave you a picture of Cap punching Hitler. Well, that was not humiliating enough! Now Cap has his faithful sidekick, Bucky (that's right, he's about twelve years old) crouch behind Hitler and then... HE SHOVES HIM! Ha ha ha! Oh, Captain America. I am sure you were a schoolyard bully when you were a kid, but it sure is funny when you do that to a Nazi.

And, an added bonus... I can use the tag "Hitler should be beaten up by a man in red white and blue pajamas and silly floppy boots" again! I am so pleased!

Meeting Doodles #5: Xtrack

As previously PROVEN BY SCIENCE! doodling helps you to concentrate. As if to show that I am paying Very Close Attention in my meetings (which have been excellent, by the way), I submit for your approval yesterday's meeting doodles:






Also, we are live streaming and then putting into archives our meetings this summer. If you're interested in Xtrack, cultural training and so on, send me an email and I'll get you the link and the password.

P.S. Since I am in meetings all summer I am taking doodle requests. I've already done one commission (Batman and Robin on a ladder hanging from a hot air balloon with Batman being bitten by a shark).

This ought to keep you busy

I am at work today, sitting in a room at a church and training people who are going overseas for three years or more in some skills for life overseas. I'm busy is what I am trying to tell you, people.

So here are a couple things to keep you occupied in the meantime:

1) The first three chapters of Don Miller's new book, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years.

2) Go read a free short comic story.

Ladies and Gentlemen... G.K. Chesterton

According to my friend Matt Baugher, GK Chesterton died on June 14th in 1936. Chesterton was a celebrated wit, an apologist and a writer who routinely served up works of prophetic insight via his books, essays and letters. And he's very funny.

I still remember when I stumbled across my first Chesterton book and thought, "Why has the world been hiding the works of this man from me?" Here are a few of my favorite Chesterton books so you have a place to start if you're interested:

1) The Napoleon of Notting Hill. This is the story of a bored ruler in England who decides (as a joke) to make fanciful costumes, traditions and false histories for each neighborhood of London. What starts as a hilarious entertainment for him and the upper class takes an unexpected turn into drama when a young man named Adam Wayne (who has no sense of humor) takes it upon himself to start a war among the neighborhoods of London. I love this book... I've probably read it five times. One of the most amazing things is how perfectly Chesterton balances comedy and drama in this novel so that you are laughing one moment and profoundly moved in another.

2) The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare One of Chesterton's most famous novels, this is the story of police officer Gabriel Syme, who takes the name Thursday and infiltrates a society of anarchists. It isn't long, however, before he begins to suspect that some of the anarchists are undercover cops... and some of his fellow policemen are actually undercover anarchists.

3) I've always been fond of The Ball And The Cross, which is the story of an enraged Christian who throws a brick through the window of a man who runs an atheist newspaper. The atheist is pleased to have some attention (society at large ignores him as much as they ignore the Christian) and they happily decide to have a duel to the death. But they keep getting interrupted and eventually become friends and have adventures together.

4) Last fiction I'll mention is the The Father Brown Stories. Father Brown is a priest who has a nose for mystery. In fact, he loves mysteries and the insights he gains into the nature of humanity, God and the universe while solving the worst crimes of the human heart. Some of the stories don't even involve crimes as such, but Father Brown is such a delightful companion you won't even care. I'm particularly fond of the stories involving his nemesis, whom he is trying not only to capture but also convert to Christ.

5) If you've not read or heard of The Everlasting Man it's a sort of spiritual history of humanity. C.S. Lewis called it the contemporary book that had helped him most in his spiritual journey, and, in fact, it played a decisive role in his conversion from atheist to Christian. A great book.

6) Orthodoxy is Chesterton's own spiritual history of how he moved from non-believer to Catholic Christianity. It's beautifully written and well worth your time.

Well, that's enough reading to keep you all busy today. Many of these books are also available for free download on the web here. But you can buy these books without hesitation, they won't disappoint.

If I know the friends here at BHR I'm guessing there are plenty of people with strong opinions about Chesterton to share in the comments. Opine away, my friends... would love to hear your thoughts.

Seven Ate Nine

There is a lot of waiting involved in publishing. Everything takes a long time. In actual fact, I think the process has been faster than typical for me, but it still feels like you're caught in a slow motion scene in a movie.

So, while I've been waiting for the deal with Imaginary Jesus to come together, the contract to be finished, editors assigned, et cetera, I've started on a second book. I finished up chapter nine this morning:

12357 / 50000 words. 25% done!

One quarter of the way through book two! You may notice that I dropped my word count by ten thousand. It seems that with the sort of book I write everyone would prefer it to be a little shorter, so I'm writing with that in mind for book two. The quarter marks are nice ones because now I can say, "Just do that three more times and it's done!"

Today's a day off from work. I'm planning to get out and do a little exercise, then go hang out at "Taste of Fort Collins" with Team Hibbs. Then I have a LOT of seminary homework to do. So much of my day will be sitting in virtual class.

You know you want a goat tower

This is the perfect answer for people (like me) who live in a suburb but want to have goats in the backyard.

Remember... my birthday is coming soon!

You can find more information about goat towers here, the same place I found out about them!

My book, Imaginary Jesus, will be published by Barna Books!

I've just accepted an offer from the fine people at Tyndale and Barna Books for them to publish my book, Imaginary Jesus. Many effusive thanks to Wes Yoder, my agent at Ambassador Literary, without whom this would not have happened. And especially to God and the Real Jesus who has been throwing His weight around to make all this happen.

Here's the sort of thing you might read on the back of the book one day a long time from now (taken from my book proposal):

Sitting in a coffee shop with Jesus, Matt Mikalatos realizes that the pleasant, robed man across the table is not the real Jesus at all. During Matt’s attempt to destroy the imposter and find the real Jesus, Imaginary Jesus escapes. Now the Lamb is on the lam and Matt is on a quest to find the living, breathing Christ. With the help of the apostle Peter, a talking donkey and the mysterious Motorcycle Guy, he chases Jesus across the city of Portland, determined to exorcise his imaginary friend. A fast-paced, hilarious book, Imaginary Jesus explores what it means to be in relationship with a physically absent but relationally present Jesus.

As you can imagine, I am thrilled by the opportunities this represents and the chance to influence and entertain people with this book. I'll keep you updated as I have more information that I'm allowed to share....

P.S. People are already asking whether this means Krista and I will leave staff with Campus Crusade for Christ. Not at all! We have no plans to leave CCC. Krista and I will continue to need your financial support for our ministry. The primary benefits of this book being published are not financial, but rather a chance to see our ministry influence expanded.

Rhett and Link vs. Taco Bell

Through the miracle of internet technology I have scheduled this to appear on the blog while I'm in class at Xtrack. I had lunch with some of the guys yesterday and this video came up. It's by Rhett and Link and I enjoyed this immensely. Have fun.

Updates...

First of all, a very HUGE THANKS to Ken, who sent me a new phone to replace the one I baptized. Gracias, senor. Today was my first full day with the phone and I am starting to figure it out. In the meantime if you send me a text or call me you might want to say who you are... I can't tell otherwise. Unless, of course, I recognize your voice.

Second, thanks to Shane Spell, who sent me this jogging program to help me not to die while running around.

Third, I've started reading Little Pilgrim's Progress to the kids at night. They really like it. They've been begging me to read more chapters, and we've settled into a pretty good rhythm of three chapters a night. Should last us about a month at that speed!

The conversation my brain and my body had with one another this morning

Brain: Good morning!

Body: Ugh. Shhh.

Brain: Let's get up and do something fun!

Body: Mmmaybe. Like what.

Brain: Something really fun. Like... you know... jogging.

Body: ARE YOU INSANE? JOGGING?

Brain: You'll feel better when you get in shape.

Body: How many times have we been jogging? Twice? We didn't like it then, why should we like it now.

Brain: Well, guess what? I'm the brain and I'm in charge. Get to it!

(a few minutes later, on the road)

Body: *huff* *huff*

Brain: This is going to pay off in the future.

Body: Shut... up... brain.

Brain: You're going to feel great!

Body: Okay. We've run about thirty steps now. Need to rest.

Brain: Keep going!

Body: If you want to meet Jesus right now I will keep running, but otherwise we have to stop before I explode.

Brain: Fine. But we're going again tomorrow.

Body: I want the old brain back.

A Brief Moment of Open-Hearted Sincerity

I gained nearly five pounds in Hawaii. I’m not sure how this happened. It seems that the active lifestyle of boogie boarding, swimming and so on was completely counter-balanced by eating ice cream at Lappert’s every single day before going out to dinner.

On the way to church this Sunday I was telling Krista that these five pounds seemed almost like a metaphor for discipline in my life. I feel out of shape in my physical and spiritual life, as well as in things that I love and care about but take extra effort… things like seminary and my writing. Additionally, I’ve been thinking about my new little girl (who should be joining us on August 7^th at 7:30 am if all goes according to schedule) and how if I wanted to live until she’s my age, I’ll be SEVENTY YEARS OLD! When I was fifteen I thought that sixty would be a good target age for a full life, but I’m re-evaluating.

We talked about this for a while and I told Krista how I was making plans to reverse some of this and re-engage with self-discipline in my life… get back into deeper relationship with God, re-discipline my body, schedule in time for the secondary priorities in life like seminary and writing.

Then we went into church and Pastor John’s message was this. Listen to the excellent sermon called "Introducing an Outlier Life." It’s all about the need for discipline, why it’s necessary, how it works and why our church will be looking all summer at the spiritual disciplines. Krista kept leaning over and saying, “God’s really trying to hammer this one home, isn’t He?” I kept praying and saying, "Okay, enough already, I get it!"

One of the things available at the end of John’s sermon were these blue bracelets that say HAGIOS on them (the Greek word for holiness). I felt it would be a good reminder of my commitment to get my life into shape this summer. I’ve never been much of a jewelry guy (with the notable exception of my wedding ring… lovingly fashioned to look precisely like the One Ring from the Lord of the Rings movies, though I’ve never tested it out in a fire and it appears that it has never, for instance, turned me invisible) so wearing this band for the summer is a little weird for me, which makes it a good reminder of why I’m wearing it, because it bothers me (if that makes sense).

So I’m working hard at these things. The weight issue is a mind-boggling one for me. I looked up my BMI (body mass index… I know, I had never heard of it, either) and apparently someone of my height should way 180 pounds. WHAT?!?! I haven’t weighed that little since high school when I returned from being a counselor at a summer camp in Alaska where we ran, hiked, swam, kayaked, canoed, shot arrows and played running games all day. I tried not to eat the food because it was almost completely recycled Soylent Green and the bathroom was about a half mile walk from my cabin (if you ate the camp food you discovered that the bathroom was a half mile away even if you ran). I don’t know if it’s possible for me to get to that weight, but I thought what the heck let’s give it an experimental try. That means losing thirty pounds. I am thinking of sawing off one of my arms to give me a jump start. Updates as they are available.

And now you are thinking, Mikalatos, why do you share these things with us? And I can only say that when I am typing my hands are too busy to eat anything. I prefer being in disciplined shape. I feel better physically. I feel spectacular emotionally and spiritually. I enjoy life more when I am writing regularly instead of “when I can squeeze it in”. I just don’t like all the hard work and organization.

And that is all I have to say about that. Okay, stop looking at this post I am getting embarrassed.

THE END

Oh Yes Wyoming!

Brought to you by our good friend Hillary Harm:

Travel Tips With Matt

Since summer is rapidly approaching, I thought it might be time for some travel tips. It's been some time since I shared any, so here are a few:

1) Cell phone signals are completely designed to drive people mad. They say, "Oh, I have four bars" or "I have full bars." Yeah, right. It doesn't matter. The phone still won't be able to make a call. A raincloud will block the magic wireless signal. A raccoon will sneeze and distract the Cell Phone technology. The only way that cell phone companies make full bars is when they drive people to drink. TIP: Be sure to write an angry letter to your phone company before you travel, then you can sign and send it in at your leisure.

2) It's really hard to tell how nice a hotel is online. Especially if by nice you mean "clean, no bed bugs, under $100". You might, for instance, arrive at your hotel to discover that it's in the back of a parking lot behind "Romantix Erotic Toys" and "Lotty's Restaurant, Lounge, and Liquor Store." You might also discover that the NO SMOKING signs on your floor are largely ignored. On the bright side, there are no bed bugs (you can check this by lifting the sheets and looking for tiny pinprick blood stains on the mattress). TIP: Bolt the door.

3) If the Department of Transportation thinks to install a permanent sign that says "Severe Weather Warning Next 20 Miles" you should expect to experience some severe weather. Don't say things like, "I think we're going to beat the storm" when you see the cinematically dramatic black clouds zeroing in on you. Also, when the HAIL starts to beat your car like a drum at mile 21, realize that this is because you said you were going to beat the storm. TIP: When the visibility drops to two feet because of the thick hail and the road is flooded and you can't see the dividing lines on the road anymore, feel free to roll down your window if it helps you to see better. DO NOT however, stick your face out the window, especially if you are going 75 MPH. This will hurt.

4) I understand the deeply felt need to go to a gas station that has a name like "SMOKER'S FRIEND." But you should know in your heart that it will not be worth it. TIP: If a surly attendant comes over to pump your gas or something, don't say, "Hey, a good slogan for your gas station would be LIGHT UP BEFORE YOU FILL UP." He is cranky enough already.