The Skin Map (book review)

Hello my minions. It is now time for a book review of The Skin Map by Stephen R. Lawhead. 

Here's the skinny: Once upon a time there was a guy who could travel between worlds (dimensions/universes/etc.), and to keep himself from ever getting lost he tattooed a map onto himself.  Then he died.  Now all the other explorers would like to have his skin so they won't get lost, either.  Also, it appears he may have discovered the secret of the universe.  Clever boy.  Except for the being dead part. 

Enter washed up layabout Kit Livingstone who, it turns out, has a latent ability to travel between worlds himself.  His great great great grandfather shows up and recruits him to the hunt for the Skin Map (eww).  Unfortunately, in one of his jaunts through the worlds, Kit has carelessly lost his girlfriend in another dimension/time/world.  So now the race is on to comb the multiverse for his girlfriend and the map.  Yes, there are bad guys.  Also coffee. And some sort of prehistoric sabre toothed cat or something.  Her name is Baby.

Things I liked about this book:  I enjoyed this book pretty well, honestly.  I'm a sucker for multiple universe stories, and Kit's great grandpa gave off a faint Dr. Who vibe (possibly as a result of being British) that I found enjoyable.  The historical settings were interesting, and I thought the spiritual content was (overall) well done and didn't detract or distract from the story.  The characters were likeable and I would have been happy for them to overcome all the odds stacked agains them in a spectacular climax that spanned several worlds.  That's not what happened, but that's what I would have liked to see.  The pace of the book wasn't a headlong race after the map, which was puzzling but also enjoyable.  It was a pretty relaxed, easy-going kind of race.  And I will say that Mr. Lawhead's writing never got in the way of the story.  He's a solid writer who knows what he's doing, and when there were confusing moments or strange occurences I knew I could trust that he would take care of me as the book progressed. 

On the Other Hand. I wish that the book hadn't been just the first part of a series.  I think I can fairly say that multiple subplots and even major plot points are not resolved, that characters disappear, reappear at other times and are then ignored, and all this with the implicit promise that I will get answers if I read book two.  My preference would have been to have at least some of the plot resolve.  And (SPOILER -- STOP NOW IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT AND PLAN TO) I found it odd that, for instance, the missing girlfriend isn't "found"... she just reappears at the end of the book without any explicit explanation.  The heroes are just bumbling through the plot to some degree.

And one other thing that bothered me. It seemed to me that sometimes the characters did something dumb just to make the plot advance the correct way.  Here's a complete SPOILER example.  Two of the characters have a section of the skin map squirreled away somewhere.  They go to get it out and discover (gasp) it has been stolen.  Now they are out of luck.  Because they never copied it.  It's a priceless artifact because of the drawing on it, but no one thought to make a copy. 

And one last little annoyance.  I had this feeling that about page 371 the author realized Ooops, I've come to the end of my page count for part one, I better quickly wrap some things up a little bit but not too much.  This involved leaping over a few events that needed a chapter or two.

A final word.  I enjoyed the Skin Map.  It seemed like a more accessible (and less enjoyable) version of the Connie Willis Oxford time travel stories (which, if you haven't read them, are well worth your time).  At the same time, it seems a bit early to rush to judgment since this is really only the first part of the story, and it may well be that when the story is taken all together that it will be quite good.  I certainly think it has that potential.

And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to slip into another dimension where I am the author of all of Stephen Lawhead's books and he is reviewing them.  And also I am the founder of Microsoft. 

If you'd like to see some more thoughts on The Skin Map, check out all my buddies on the Christian Science Fiction and Fantasy Tour:

Red Bissell

Thomas Clayton Booher
Keanan Brand
Grace Bridges
Beckie Burnham
Morgan L. Busse
Jeff Chapman
Christian Fiction Book Reviews
Valerie Comer
Karri Compton
Amy Cruson
CSFF Blog Tour
Stacey Dale
D. G. D. Davidson
George Duncan
April Erwin
Tori Greene
Ryan Heart
Bruce Hennigan
Timothy Hicks
Christopher Hopper
Becky Jesse
Cris Jesse
Becca Johnson
Jason Joyner
Julie
Carol Keen
Krystine Kercher
Shannon McDermott
Allen McGraw
Rebecca LuElla Miller
Nissa
John W. Otte
Gavin Patchett
Sarah Sawyer
Chawna Schroeder
Kathleen Smith
Rachel Starr Thomson
Donna Swanson
Robert Treskillard
Steve Trower
Fred Warren
Dona Watson
Phyllis Wheeler
Nicole White
Elizabeth Williams
Dave Wilson

Lei Line

After yesterday's post on ley lines, I thought I would include this picture of a Lei Line. Moowhahahahaaa!

In other news... LET'S GO TO HAWAII!

Ley Lines and "The Skin Map"

Today and the two days following I'll be joining a bunch of other bloggers to talk about Stephen Lawhead's new book The Skin Map.  I got a free copy of the book for this "tour" with the other members of the Christian Science Fiction and Fantasy blog tour.

Ley lines.  In 1921amatuer archaeologist Alfred Watkins noticed that certain ancient sites seemed to criss cross Britain in straight lines.  Curious as to why this might be, he set out to study these significant line ups of ancient wells, walls and monuments.  He eventually came to call these ley lines, and hypothesized that the lines were actually correspondent to some sort of energy underground that moved in straight lines and had somehow been sensed and used by the ancients.

Watkins' theories were met with nearly universal dismissal until, several decades later, several New Age authors latched on to the idea that (depending on the author) spiritual power or electromagnetic fields were moving along these geographic lines.  And, they've been fodder for fantasy novels, science fiction shows, New Age rituals and comic books ever since. 

Lawhead uses them for his own purposes, like everyone always has.  In Lawhead's book, ley lines are somewhat like fault lines... places where separate worlds and/or dimensions rub up against one another and create the possibility of traveling between worlds. More about this in later posts, but suffice it to say that "energy field that transports you to other worlds" is a great deal more exciting than "supposed energy field that probably doesn't exist but could be one explanation for some stuff being in a straight line."

And if you don't believe me, check out this trailer for the book:



My plan in the next couple of days is to talk about Christian fiction in general and how Stephen Lawhead's book relates to that, as well as a review of the book itself. A bunch of my friends will be talking about the book over the next few days as well... check them out:



Red Bissell
Thomas Clayton Booher
Keanan Brand
Grace Bridges
Beckie Burnham
Morgan L. Busse
Jeff Chapman
Christian Fiction Book Reviews
Valerie Comer
Karri Compton
Amy Cruson
CSFF Blog Tour
Stacey Dale
D. G. D. Davidson
George Duncan
April Erwin
Tori Greene
Ryan Heart
Bruce Hennigan
Timothy Hicks
Christopher Hopper
Becky Jesse
Cris Jesse
Becca Johnson
Jason Joyner
Julie
Carol Keen
Krystine Kercher
Shannon McDermott
Allen McGraw
Rebecca LuElla Miller
Nissa
John W. Otte
Gavin Patchett
Sarah Sawyer
Chawna Schroeder
Kathleen Smith
Rachel Starr Thomson
Donna Swanson
Robert Treskillard
Steve Trower
Fred Warren
Dona Watson
Phyllis Wheeler
Nicole White
Elizabeth Williams
Dave Wilson

Me and My Groupies!

 This weekend I spoke at the Seattle area student retreat for students involved in Campus Crusade for Christ.  We had a great time.  The theme of the weekend was "Who is the Real Jesus?" and I spoke about the reasons people follow Jesus, the love Jesus has for people, and the Great Commission.

On the last day (October 30th) two of the young ladies on the retreat put on their Halloween costumes early... they were my groupies!  Notice the star-shaped glasses that match Imaginary Jesus' glasses.  A nice touch I thought.

So, here it is, the first official pictures of my first official groupies, Melanie Terry (#1) and Sarah Brown (#2).  Thanks, ladies.  It was nice to feel like some sort of famous person for a few minutes. 

P.S.  They asked me to sign their shirts, so I signed on the back there.  It's hard to write on shirts.  I am going to need more practice if this groupie phenomenon becomes more common.

How To Communicate WIth Writers

I saw this on Marc Cortez's blog yesterday and it made me laugh, so I just knew it would make you chortle with joy, because you are waaaaay more easily entertained than me.



Also, if you're not reading Marc's blog, you really should be. He has interesting theological posts as well as silly nonsense gathered from around the internet. Sometimes he has silly theology that is gathered from around the internet. But on those days he balances it out with interesting nonsense that is more serious.

Poetry Slam Tonight!

Tonight PDXCRU is hosting a poetry slam at Portland State University, featuring poetry slam champion Phil Long.

There's over $500 in cash prizes, which, as you poets know, is the lifetime salary of most poets. 

Sounds like it's going to be awesome!  If you're a poet, sign up by 6:30.  If you're there to watch the riot, the party starts at 7. 

Have fun!

Kids Keep You Humble

My seven year old (A) overheard me talking to someone on the phone today; he was inviting me to come be the keynote speaker at a conference.  We talked about it for a while, and later in the night A and I had this conversation:

A: Dad, do all these people who ask you to come speak at their conferences actually want you to speak or do they just pick using popsicle sticks or something?

Me: Uhhh... you mean, do they just randomly choose from a big list of people?

A: Yes.

Me: They actually want me to come speak.

A: Huh.

Crackers

I was walking through the supermarket this afternoon looking for Wheat Thins and mumbling under my breath, "Crackers, crackers, where are all the crackers" just as I walked by an African American gentlemen who looked at me like I was crazy. Because, let's face it, the Safeway by my house is just flush with crackers.

THE END

Noodling

I was in Orlando last week and some friends started talking about "noodling." The more they talked about it, I started to wonder if they were messing with me. What they explained was that noodling is when someone swims down to a sunken log where big catfish live, and they stick their arm inside the log so that the catfish grabs on, and then they swim up and stick it in the boat.

The danger being that there could be poisonous snakes or snapping turtles in the submerged catfish hidey-hole and one can lose a finger or become poisoned.

In other words, it makes for excellent television.



I thought I should share this with you. My world is now a larger and stranger place.

Currently Reading...

Brought to me this week by an Amazon gift card from my sister:

First we have Michael Connelly's THE REVERSAL.I love the Harry Bosch novels and have read them all and I always buy the new ones in hardcover so I don't have to wait a minute longer than necessary.

Second is Parker: The Outfit, which is Darwyn Cooke's second graphic novel adaptation of a Richard Stark novel. The first one was spectacular, so I'm looking forward to this.

So this week is all about crime. Which I plan to observe from a safe distance here in my house, probably in my bed with my night cap on and a cup of warm milk at my bedside.

Touche

Z (whining): I wish I had brought my DS so I could do something in the car when we are driving at night.

Me: I wish you had some magic power that made you stop whining.

Z: I wish you had some magic power that made you stop complaining about your children.

Me: Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!

Smells Like A Monster

Shasta, friend of the Revolution and lady who could run a blog but doesn't want to sends along this video spoof of the Old Spice Guy, starring Grover the furry monster from Sesame Street:



I was always a fan of Grover as a kid. I especially liked his waiter sketches:

The Traditional Airport Post: THE BAND HOUR

It's an early morning flight, and that means that the airplanes are all full of amateur musicians for some reason.  I saw a guy who looked like Sting but was probably ten years older than Sting, and the guy next to me right now has skinny jeans, a guitar and a girlfriend. 

On the other side of me is a trio of revelers talking about the party last night which involved a great deal of heavy drinking, people falling down and a trip to the hospital, where someone was told that they had "minor bruising" which led to a great deal of cursing and paranoid accusations of the medical industry not acknowledging the pain of others.  From the pained looks, drawn faces and pale, sickly complexions of those around me I'm guessing that the entire plane has a hangover.  Not me, of course, I'm fresh as a daisy.  Possibly fresher than a daisy depending on the daisy.

Also, while walking through security I was stopped by the woman on the other side of the magic metal-detecting doorway, when she asked to see the other side of my face so she could look at my (non-existant) ear piece/bluetooth.  She laughed and said she had imagined it and just wanted to spend another thirty seconds with me, which made me wonder several things... if my earpiece doesn't set off a metal detector, why would they do a special check of it?  What if the same earpiece was in my pocket?  Is there anything more annoying than those people who walk around with an earpiece in all the time, as if they want you to know that it could be any second that they would need to ditch you and talk to the air?  I'm seriously asking: is there anything more annoying than that?

The answer is yes.  There are things more annoying than that.  It's annoying, certainly.  But not as annoying as, say, a rat nesting in your sweaters.  Or someone stealing your spare tire.  Or discovering that a pig has built an underground house beneath your house and has told a wolf that he lives at your house, so the wolf keeps knocking on your door and breathing on your house. 

Aha.  You have been saved by the bell.  My flight is boarding.  Hasta la vista, amigos.

The Arch!

Yesterday after the Fall Getaway was over we headed to St. Louis to see THE ARCH!

Our seven year old, A, took this picture with Krista's phone.

After we hung out at the arch for a bit, we went underneath and walked around the museum of western expansion, and then we met Krista's cousing Mandy and her family at a restaurant called The Fountain on Locust, voted best ice cream parlor in St. Louis and best bathroom in America.  We had a great time.

This morning we'll meet with our friend and co-worker, Dan Allen, and then we'll be off to the airport and home!

St. Louis Bound!

Photo by Daniel Schwen

Yes, my friends, the wife and I are packing up the children and the covered wagon and headed East for the great Missouri Fall Getaway.  I'll be the Bible teacher for the weekend, so you can pray that our flights are on time and that the poor students on the other side are able to have a deep, spiritual experience of connecting with God despite the inadequacies of their guest speaker.

In other news, we've released thousands of poisonous vipers into our home for while we're out of town (we'll be gone approximately three hours), as well as hired a housesitter and rented a vicious dog.

The Role of Monkeys in This, Our World

Let's be honest, we've known for a long time that the monkeys are a problem.  Maybe not a problem on the same scale as, say, the sharks, but when it comes to animals on the earth which are likely to try to take over and remove us from the top of the food chain, monkeys are on the top ten list, somewhere between kittens and werewolves.

Look how the monkey corrupted this poor guy with the eye patch.

It's because of our history.  We know that monkeys might look cute, but are often Nazis, like in Raiders of the Lost Ark (spoiler alert).

We know that monkeys sometimes run into a town and beat everyone up and steal the liquor. We know that so-called ninja monkeys sometimes fight the hand that trains them.  We know that monkeys sneak into kitchens and steal food and shiny objects.  Monkeys, in brief, are big trouble.

But our clever friends in India have come up with a solution to the world's monkey problem: USE MONKEYS TO FIGHT THE MONKEYS!  I am amazed by the ingenuity.  Stay tuned and I will look for video of a monkey vs. monkey smack down. 

In the meantime, I would appreciate it if someone would train some sharks to eat some other sharks.  Gracias.

Books in my mailbox (now and later)

Two recent arrivals in the Mikalatos mailbox (C'mon people, I can't read them all at once.  I do have comic books to read, too, ya know):

Author Jonathan Weyer sent me a sneak preview of his supernatural murder mystery, THE FAITHFUL, in which a pastor wracked with spiritual doubts is catapulted into an investigation of his former fiancee's suspicious death.  I am promised that there are evil societies, cults, creatures of the night and ghosts.   

Also in the mailbox thanks to Bethany House books is City On Our Knees by TobyMac.  This book is about Christians from different walks of life, cultures and theological backgrounds setting aside their differences to come together in unity and pray, and make a difference in the world.  I haven't read any of this yet, but I can say that I really like the design of the book cover.  It has see through letters on the jacket that reveal the color and art underneath it.  Pretty snazzy.

Thanks for the books, Jonathan and Bethany House!

I should probably buy some of these

I'm getting too many people asking me to fly them around. "Oh, Matt, I've always wanted to fly!  Couldn't we just go up above the clouds."  And then they're like, "Oh, it's too cold!" 

At least it's not as creepy as the people who want to shoot me with guns so they can see the bullets bounce off.

Anyway, I thought you might all enjoy the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Store, where you can find all your superhero needs.

The best Christian "Men's Book" I've ever read

I've read my share of men's books.  They've been assigned for homework, handed to me by friends, agreed upon by small groups.

I've never found them useful. I'm sure this is my problem as much as the books', which other people have found enlightening or helpful.  I couldn't help feeling that the books either reduced Jesus to the "paragon of manhood" or became a defense of John Wayne style American manliness.  I've shared my thoughts on this topic elsewhere.

Bond of Brothers is different.  This is the first men's book I've read that takes Christ, scripture and the need for a transformed life as a Christian man seriously. As I read the book I started thinking of all the people I would want to give it to, and it quickly became a list of every Christian guy I know.  I found it really helpful, insightful, convicting and full of wisdom.

I'll mention here, too, that the author is my friend as well as my literary agent.  I've been impressed with his integrity, his character, his care for others, his focus on Christ and his humility.  He's someone I am glad to learn from, and he's someone whose life I would gladly imitate in pursuit of a life like Christ's.  So I'd encourage you to buy a copy for yourself, your father, your son or any other man in your life.

I'd also like to say that it rained this morning, and I did just a little bit of work and did you catch today's game?

UPDATE: Wes called me this evening and mentioned that the Bond of Brothers website is up and running!

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Forty-Seven: Thai Me A River)

Dedicated to the family gathered at Dok Koon Thai at the round table to our left, who had so many hilarious antics while deciding what to order (WHAT?! NO SUSHI? AND NO SAKI?) that I had to choose this, my favorite excerpt.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Mom: Some pad thai.

Waiter: How spicy?

Mom: Medium. Also some Rad Na.

Waiter: How spicy?

Mom: Medium.  We would also like some... hmmm... Spicy Pork.

Waiter: How spicy?

Mom: Mild.

BOOKS I LOVE: Win a copy of The Princess Bride by William Goldman

  "Wait a minute... wait a minute... is this a kissing book?"

I am going to give away a copy of The Princess Bride by William Goldman.  I love this book.  Not enough to marry it and be committed to it above all other books, but enough to have consistent, loving and respectful flings together.

You also will love it, unless you are an uncultured Philistine, in which case you will probably only mildly adore it.

Over the next few months I'm going to occasionally give away a couple of my favorite books.  As an author, it's hard not to be influenced by the books you love when you write your own books, and I thought it would be fun to share a couple of the similarities between Imaginary Jesus and the books I want to gather into a big pile and cuddle with.

Here are a couple ways that The Princess Bride and Imaginary Jesus are similar:

1) They're both light-hearted comedies.  Granted, one is about true love, giants and fencing, and the other is about punching a fake Jesus out and chasing it through time and space, but the fact is they're both meant to be goofy, enjoyable books.

2) The author appears as himself.  In The Princess Bride, William Goldman discovers that one of his favorite books from his childhood was actually heavily edited by his father to make it palatable for children, and he sets out to make his own "good parts version" of the book.  In Imaginary Jesus, Matt Mikalatos is both narrator and main character as he sets out on a quest to find an answer to why God has allowed suffering in his family.

3) Both books deal with serious topics in the midst of the craziness.  Underneath all the wackiness, Princess Bride deals with love... True Love in romantic situations as well as the love between parents and their children.  Beyond the talking animals, time travel and legion of Jesuses, Imaginary Jesus looks at the way we make decisions about religion, spirituality and our desire to be connected to God.

4) Both books will make you laugh so hard that you break all the furniture in your house.  Or, if you are a more serious sort, they will make you guffaw in public places.  This is not an unconditional guarantee, and the authors are not responsible for any damage to your furniture or social shame brought on by your public displays of mirth.

HOW DO I ENTER, you ask?

Easy.

1) Link to this post from your blog, twitter or facebook.

2) Leave a comment on this post telling me you've linked it up.

3) I will send a note to the winner on September 29th.  Don't worry, I'll do it using the power of the random number generator.

4) Yes, multiple links will give you multiple entries.  Enter as much as you like.

5) Your chances to win increase with every line from The Princess Bride you quote in the comments section of this post.  Because the random number generator loves that movie.

 And now for the small print: If anything about this contest is illegal or opens me up to lawsuits where you live, please do not tell your authorities or lawyers about it.  Because that will void this contest in your area.  And that would be sad.

UPDATE (9/28): We have a winner!  Congrats to Rahma Krambo!

How to Make a Point Without Being Preachy (with examples)

Some of you may be coming in today because of my guest post at Rachelle's blog (if you haven't seen it, here's a link).  In any case, welcome. 

I promised over at Rachelle's blog that would I share a few more thoughts about how to make a point without being preachy in your fiction.  I'll use the same points I shared over there and expand on them with some examples and a couple of notes on how I tried to do this in my own book.

1) If it doesn’t advance character or plot, ditch it.


It’s easy to have your hero make an impassioned speech like, “All intelligent people agree with me all the time because I am a big smarty. And I want to tell you that there are giant alligators in the sewers because people do not get rid of their unwanted pets correctly.” But what if I, the reader, do not agree with you or your hero? You are preaching to me. And insulting me by saying I am dumb. Now, if there is some character reason for this (our hero talks about alligators in the sewer so often that he annoys everyone around him) or plot (our hero is going to be sent on a mission into the sewers of New York City) then so be it. But If you can delete the speech without damaging the plot and without major damage to the character development, you need to toss it.

This was a painful process for me in Imaginary Jesus. When I turned the book in to my (beloved) publisher, my editors told me the book needed to be 33% shorter. Cutting my book by a third was painful. I used these questions when slicing away my sweet, wonderful words: Does it advance the character? Does it advance the plot? (And, because the book is satire I added the questions: Is it funny? Is it true?) I lost some hilarious moments in the book, but they weren’t key to the plot. I lost some good, interesting speeches. But they weren’t really key to the book. It hurt, but it made the book better.

2) Have worthy opponents.

Too many preachy novels have this scene:

Hero: If we flush pet alligators down the toilet they will grow enormous in the sewer.

Eight year old boy who is a liar and somewhat stupid: Nuh-uh.

Hero: Actually, yes.

Eight year old boy: You have defeated me in a battle of wits!

This would be much better:

Professor Moriarty: There is insufficient biomass in the sewers for a full grown alligator. An alligator requires thirty pounds of meat a day. It simply cannot survive in the sewers, you ignorant, preachy hero.

Hero: Gasp! I do not have a sufficient comeback. But I am certain there are, indeed, alligators in the sewer.

Professor: If so, they are tiny, starved, dead ones.

You should provide better objections than your reader. Anytime your reader feels that you aren’t giving the other side of an argument they immediately think you are either preachy or manipulative.

In Imaginary Jesus, I cheated a little bit on this by making the main character (me) a bit of an idiot. The poor guy (me) loses arguments to dead Apostles, talking donkeys, atheists and even himself. Sometimes I didn’t agree with the winning arguments, but the story hopefully showed that in the end without the help of a big speech about it.

3) Don’t say what you mean.

Take the centuries-long debate, “are human beings basically good or evil?” You don’t have to tell us your position on this. Simply have an impoverished child walk into her friend’s house and suddenly realize that no one is home. On the table is a wallet. No one is around to see. What does the child do? Don’t tell us what you think about people, show us what people do in the story you are creating. Your worldview has already dictated what you believe that child will do in that situation. Stop lecturing us and get back to the story.

4) If you must make a speech, let the skeptic make it.

Imaginary Jesus explores the question of “who is Jesus, really?” But the main character doesn’t get many chances to make clear-headed speeches about this, he’s in crisis and trying to figure it out. In fact, the clearest presentation of the traditional Christian view of Jesus comes from an atheist in the book (and he doesn’t believe it).

5) Say one thing and do another.

Make it absolutely clear that there is no possible way that alligators are in the sewers of NYC. Workers have never seen them down there. The professor points out there’s not enough biomass. They have sent in exploratory robots and there’s no evidence of them. The narrator, the professor and everyone but the hero sees this. The reader agrees. But when the hero and the professor get down there they find one tiny reptilian scale. And the professor remarks that there are far, far more rats in the sewer system than he had been led to believe. And just as our hero picks up a tiny collar that says “Godzilla” on it, they hear a rumbling growl from behind them.

Probably the clearest example of this in my book comes from the identity of Jesus. There are a lot of fake Jesuses in the book, but the main character keeps acting like they’re real, even when he says he doesn’t believe in them. This advances the plot (where is the real Jesus?) and reveals character (he says the right thing but clearly believes the wrong thing).

That’s all I’ve got for today, but feel free to leave your questions and comments and I’ll answer them in the comments. Thanks for dropping by and have a great day!

Winners in the Imaginary Jesus contest!

My friends, if you haven't yet seen it, Tyndale has posted the winners in the Imaginary Jesus contest, including the essays of the eight highest ranked winners.  They are well worth your time, and I think you will particularly enjoy the essay by the grand prize winner, Deidre.

Deidre will be coming out to Portland this weekend with her husband to enjoy her lesser prizes (a Kindle, an iPod, a hundred dollars to spend at Powell's, travel to Portland and a night at a fancy hotel) as well as the GRAND PRIZE (getting to hang out with me and Krista for some amount of time between ten minutes and three hours.  We have a secret code word in case it gets awkward and we need to bail early (FLYING SEA MONKEYS is the code word), so we can do it without hurting anyone's feelings. 

Buuuuut, now that our previous contest it out of the way, it's time to do a new contest, don't you think?  And you guys have been whining and complaining that you can't always be expected to draw pictures and write stories to win your prizes.  So tomorrow I will put up a brand new contest that will require no special abilities on your part other than typing and an ability to surf the net.  And, because I am a lame libro-geek the prize will be a book.  That's right.  So tune in tomorrow and enter to WIN. 

In other news, I finally found a way to get rid of that dog poop that keeps mysteriously showing up in my yard.  It's called Park Spark, and it's a way to harvest the methane in dog poop to light lampposts in the city.  The only problem is that it's only in Boston.  So I will need one of you who lives in Boston to send me your address so I can ship you the dog poop.  Thanks in advance.

This is what it means to be an adult

My kids told me the other day that they wished they were adults because adults get whatever they want. I pointed out that we didn't, as a matter of fact, get everything we want.  For instance, I said, I want some kids who aren't complaining all the time and who do as their parents say without crying.  My kids replied that they were thinking more along the lines of, "Adults get to play video games whenever they want and choose how much dessert they want to eat."  An excellent point.

My friend Dan sent along this comic about what it means to be an adult (from the excellent gentlemen at this site):

Tips-N-Tricks

My friend Alan sent me this.  I'm going to try it out today!

What my co-workers are up to when I leave the office before them

This last week I came into the office one morning to find a copy of the picture at left pasted up over my desk.  Yes, that's me with Cat Deeley.

Now, I thought all copies of this photo had been destroyed, but apparently my co-workers dug it up somewhere on the internet.

I'm still a little embarrassed by the shirt I wore that night.  It's not really my style.  If I could go back in time and wear something different I certainly would.

Anyway, just to beat you to all the questions you are asking in your mind, yes, Cat is a lovely person, she's fun to be with and her accent is real.

And if you are reading this right now, Cat, I ask that you forgive my friends for making this photo public.  They are well intentioned and friendly people who you would like, I'm sure.  I'll introduce you next time you are in town.

My kids need a little more clarity about my job

Today was the first day of school for the kids, so we had a nice morning together as a family... we got up together and made breakfast and sat at the table and ate together.  Then we got ready and all walked the girls down to school.  I was telling them that I would be gone next week.  And, if you don't know this, it would be important to know that I work for Campus Crusade for Christ. I travel reasonably often (like next week) for work.

Me: I'll be gone next week.

Z: Gone!  Where will you be?

A: Z, you know that Dad has to go on his Crusades.

Link it up!

Here are some links sent to my by the intrepid BHR reporters:

1) ZOMBIES IN CUBA! Ay caramba!

2) GOATS ON A TRAIN! Samuel L. Jackson, feel free to contact me for the movie rights!

3) Are you fake? I think this has the makings of an excellent sitcom, especially if the Mill Rats get elected!

4) THIS JUST IN!  I am a white male and am not getting the expected privileges.  Dang it.  NYT Book Review, I am patiently awaiting your call to make this right.

5) IN OTHER NEWS I wear size 36 jeans.  Or do I?  It is a mystery.

Swimming in Volcanoes

Krista and I went to Crater Lake for our anniversary and we had a great time. We stayed in the least expensive of the lodge hotel rooms (the ones that look out on the parking lot... but we could see the lake if we walked down the hall to the elevators). Krista has put up a few pictures from our time here.

I wanted to share about how I went swimming in the caldera of the volcano. Crater Lake is the deepest lake (by the "mean depth" method) in North America, and the clearest lake in the world. It's amazing. It's filled completely by runoff from snow and rain, and there's a natural layer of gravel that somehow regulates the water so it never overflows the basin.

I was pretty excited to go swimming in the lake, because how often do you get to swim in a volcano?

And yes, it was cold.  Once I hit the water I couldn't breathe, and not just because I was under water.  There was hyperventilation involved in the short swim back to the dock.  And yes, I know you can tell from the picture that I have a thick pelt of fur that gives me an advantage over the average man in the arctic cold.  But still... brrr.  I loved it, though, it was really fun.  I convinced some kids who were hanging out on the dock to jump in, too.    

I hate ewoks but this guy loves them with an unrivaled passion

I was speaking in Chicago a couple weeks ago, and publicly declared (which created an unexpectedly large uproar) that I hated the ewoks.  I believe my exact words might have been, "Warrior teddy bears are cute and Return of the Jedi would have been a better movie if the Death Star had managed to blow up their planet before it was destroyed."

Then I saw this video on Marc's blog. This guy loves ewoks. And I have to admit that the surprise cameo in this video is pretty hard to argue with. Anyway, watch the video and you decide... are you an ewok lover or hater?

Update: Night of the Living Dead Christians

Several of you have asked for updates about how my second book is coming.  Well, it's written and is sitting on the desks of a bunch of editors at Tyndale right now.  They're debating who gets the painful chore of being my primary editor.  As they learned last time, my editor is likely to get panicked phone calls in the middle of the night where I shout, "WHO STOLE MY PUDDING?"  because of the fact that I talk in my sleep and keep my editors on speed dial.

It's your typical Christian literature, complete with zombies, vampires, mole men and werewolves, all bent on eating brains, sucking blood, digging holes and running over rooftops while being silhoetted against a full moon.

The basic theme of the book explores why Christians claim to have abundant, overflowing life, but so often live a disgusting half life, neither alive nor dead.  And of course the best way to explore this theme is through a comedy novel involving monsters. 

The book should come out in time for Halloween, 2011.  In the meantime, you can always buy another copy of Imaginary Jesus, or listen to the audio book (read by yours truly).

Wonderful Wednesday: My Wife!

Today is my wife's birthday!  Happy birthday, Krista!

In honor of Krista's birthday I have painstakingly re-created the movie "Empire Strikes Back" starring her as Princess Leia and me as Han Solo.  You can make one yourself with a cast of your choosing!

Happy birthday, Krista!  I love you and am thankful for you.  I always dreamed of being married to a space princess, and you have lived up to those dreams!  I hope you have a great day!

Life Outside the Box: Renee Johnson, author of "Faithbook of Jesus"

Months and months ago I asked my friend Renee Johnson to send me a couple of thoughts to share about her book, Faithbook of Jesus, and months and months ago she sent me those thoughts and I somehow neglected to share them here! But now I have remembered.

Some things you should know about Renee: She claims to be an introvert (clearly a falsehood). She likes to harass me about how she lives in Oceanside with its superior climate and proximity to the ocean, and she has a red-nosed pit bull. She claims to be able to type 108 words a minute, but it has to be the word "a" 108 times if you ask me. She calls herself the Devotional Diva and she created the first-ever speakers bureau for 20-somethings.

Me: What sets your book apart from other books?

Renee: I’m one of the only 20-somethings that was discovered & signed via Twitter who wrote a book for 20-somethings called “Faithbook of Jesus.” My generation has grown up with technology since birth. We know computers, social media, and google. We like clicking things. So I came up with a highly interactive devotional that connects people to Jesus daily FOR my generation. I also surveyed over 300+ people, ages 18-35, to match the day’s verse/devotional. Take that Facebook!

Me: How did your “outside the box” idea impact your creative process? Tell the story of how you produced this outside the box idea. Was it a struggle? Had others done it before you? Did you mess up along the way or was it smooth sailing from the moment you had the idea?

Renee: Because of the highly publicized success of being discovered on Twitter, my job at Outreach Events (working with the top, nationally-known Christian speakers and comedians) my book sold out before it even released. Oh, and it did help that every single Barnes and Noble nationwide picked it up for their Easter table.

Then the struggle hit. Bad. I couldn’t handle the writing demands, launching a new ministry/brand for 20-somethings AND working full time. So I quit my precious job at Outreach. I thought my career in ministry was over. I was so wrong! Only God knew that He had been setting me up for this moment for years. Now I am writing m second book on brokenness, something which I’ve always wanted to write about next. And because of my success, I didn’t have to force it. Is just happened. I praise God for this!!!

More dreams!

I had an odd dream last Friday night, and in my typically generous way I'm here to give all those armchair psychologists and interpreters something to do.

Here we go:

I was in line to get my boarding pass on an international flight, coming back to the United States. It was one of those annoying gates where once you check in you have to go down into a dedicated area for the flight and aren't allowed to walk around the airport at all. As I was waiting in line, I looked out the window and saw a giant whale down on the tarmac. The whale was easily the size of a jumbo jet, it was black and white (not a killer whale, though, it was shaped more like a blue whale), and its side was opened up and the whale had been mostly hollowed out. People, bulldozers and other vehicles were coming and and out of its side. There wasn't much gore. I kept trying to get everyone in line to look at the whale, but no one seemed that interested. I stopped an airport employee and asked him about the whale. He looked down at the whale and he said, "Oh, that thing? It's a literary allusion to some story in the Bible. I can't remember what it was called..." I asked him if it was Jonah and he said yes, that sounded familiar.

Then I woke up.

Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" Speech

This is well worth seventeen minutes of your day. "No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream."

"I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope."

The County Fair and What We Did There

Pickled.

This year, as a result of my lovely wife's genius brainstorm, my kids entered the Clark County Fair.  My mom helped 7 year old A make pickles, pickled green beans and to sew a skirt.  All three won blue ribbons, and the beans won Best In Class.  Of course this means from now on, A will be wanting to practice her prairie home pickling skills once a year to gather more ribbons.  Krista helped Z make brownies, and those won a blue ribbon, too.  Now I just have to figure out what I am going to enter next year.  I am thinking of crocheting a life-sized Millenium Falcon.  I'll be asking for volunteers in the near future.


Carnies and Nausea. 

Z wanted to try the Ferris Wheel, and A wanted to try every ride known to man... The Viper and Wheel of Fire and Super Shooter and so on.  I went to buy tickets from the lady in the ticket booth (her front teeth were broken and looked very painful, and I could smell the smoke on her breath through the plexiglass).  She looked down at A and then at me and asked, "Which ride are you gonna torture your Daddy on today, hon?
  Without a pause she replied, "The Viper."  The carny laughed a long, hacking cough and said with a voice filtered through decades of smoke and tar, "That one ain't too bad... until it starts going backward."

I will say here and now that I did not puke at the Fair.  This was my achievement for the day and I trust that my blue ribbon is in the mail.  The Viper certainly tried to destroy my record, and when we got off that one I felt nauseous and A said, "It looked much faster from the ground.  I don't think it was fast enough."

We were turned away from Wheel of Fire because of A's height.  Eventually we went on 1001 Nights, which is a big platform that rotates in high circles over and over until someone starts screaming to let him off, let him off, he's going to hurl.  As we loaded ourselves into our seats (I was somehow smacked in the head by the bar) the woman next to us asked A if she was scared.  A assured the lady there was no need to be scared, that it would be slower than it looked from the ground.  She liked the ride a great deal and when it started doing stomach-dropping lurches, A started laughing and shouting, "MY TUMMY FEEL SO TICKLY!"  Yes, the little daredevil is ready for an amusement park.

Hammock

My Mom had walked the Fair with the baby, Krista with Z, and me and A dominating all the carny rides.  When we got home I was sunburned and nauseous. I debated seriously whether to rest in my hammock and eventually decided it was not a stable enough place to lay.

Pictures coming soon over at Krista's blog....

Reel Images of Immigration (a film guide)

One of the most divisive issues today (at least on the level of rhetoric) seems to be immigration reform.  Regardless, it's certainly one of the largest (if not the largest) civil rights issues facing us in the United States.  Sojourners sent me an email this morning with a discussion guide about four different movies about immigration, which you can download here.

I've only seen one of the movies, The Visitor, which I enjoyed a lot.  It was a powerful, moving film that wasn't preachy, but used some immigrant characters as the catalyst in a story about a man dealing with the loss of his wife.  It has great acting and excellent writing.  In fact, I suggested that you watch this movie back when I first saw it.

The second film is called Made in L.A. and is a documentary about some sweatshop laborers who come to realize that they are being exploited and successfully sue the clothing company that is mistreating them.  I haven't seen this one, but the reviews are quite good.  Here's the trailer:


The third movie is called Dying to Live and also appears to be a documentary, with a broader look at the border in general and lots of interviews with a diverse group of people.

The last film is a third documentary, Farmingville.  After the attempted murder of two Mexican day laborers, in Farmingville, New York, two film makers move to town for a year to try to get the points of view of all the different people involved.  Sounds interesting. 

So, there it is.  The discussion guide is designed to help create a conversation about these movies, what this says about our society and the role of Christians in this difficult question.  If you've seen any of these movies drop me a note, I'd love to know what you thought of them.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

A while back I did a phone interview with Jason Coker at Christian Audio. You can download the interview for free, and then listen to me answer Jason's questions while you are jogging. Or, for those of you who have already had knee replacements, while you are surfing the internet.

What's that you say?  You want to spend money at Christian Audio as a way of thanking them for this excellent interview?  Then I would suggest that you buy the spectacular audio book to which I have linked at the end of this paragraph, with "Voice Acting" by the author himself.  It is a treat wrapped in an enigma.

New Dawn Treader trailer...

I am going to go see this movie. But I ain't going to see it in 3D. The last thing I need is a 3 foot tall mouse jutting out of the screen and in my face.

At last someone is taking responsibility to protect us from robots

As you know, I never advertise here on BHR, but I do occasionally talk about products I really believe in. That's the case with Old Glory Insurance. Please watch the important commercial below. And special thanks to my friend Christian, who pointed this out to me:

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Forty-Six: Social Engagements at the Social Security Office)

Dedicated to the old man sitting behind me for an hour at the Social Security Administration Office today.

OLD MAN: I don't know what makes them think we can sit here and wait all day, like we don't have anything better to do.

(Pause.)

Actually, I can do that.  I don't have anything better to do.  I'm retired.

Because you demanded it! My daughter A invents Spanish songs on my voicemail.

I've gotten about three of these voicemail messages today. Here's the most recent one:

(Click to play. You will probably want to do it again and again.) If you speak Spanish at all, the enjoyable hidden message will brighten your day I'm sure.

It's like a passion play, but with Star Wars

I would follow this play around through the streets of New York City for three days. Yes, I would.

A Year Old Today!

A year ago today we held our sweet little baby in our arms for the first time!  I can't believe she's a year old. She can walk (sort of) and talk (just yesterday she told me that a chicken says 'moo').

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY M!  We love you.  You are a gift from the Lord.

Coffee shops are for weaklings without original thoughts

I've been working hard to finish up my second book, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD CHRISTIANS.

Several of my friends have complained to me lately that THEIR friends keep asking if I spend a lot of time writing in coffee shops.  This is, of course, one of the stereotypical pictures of the writer.  Another would be me, smoking a cigarette over a typewriter while drinking copious amounts of booze.  But this is not how I work, no!  Coffee shops... too much coffee!  And I can't control the music that is being played which is distracting!  And I can't stop eavesdropping on the people around me!

Behold, my secret.  When writing I prefer a two person hammock, preferably brown with a taupe stand.  If a stand is unavailable it is acceptable to hang the hammock between two trees (12 to 15 feet apart, maple).  Shade is necessary to save on laptop battery power.  The pillow should be folded in half to give superior lifting ability.  Also, preferably to be delivered by someone else, along with occasional snacks.  Or meals.  Or just a quick visit to say, "I was thinking about how hard it is to be a writer and how gifted you are and how you are probably wishing you had a pack of cigarettes right now, and I just wanted to say I am proud of you and keep working because you are going to win a Pulitzer I bet or an Oscar or whatever prize it is that they give you authors."

But now it is night and I have moved in to the couch.  Imagine a similar picture, but with a couch and less flora.  That is what it looks like now. 

And how is the book coming along?  Why just fine.  Now bring me some macadamia nuts.


P.S. Don't smoke cigarettes.  It is bad for you and the people around you.  And 90% of hammock related deaths happen because of smoking in hammocks.

This is amazing

Here's a video of Captain Brian Bews ejecting from his jet less than a second before it hits the ground.  He stayed in the jet to make sure it wouldn't crash into any civilians or spectators.  Reports say he is well, but went to the hospital with injuries after hitting the ground (his parachute was only partially opened because of how late he ejected).

Weep Not, O Faithful Readers, For Behold! I Bring You a Blog Post of Unexpected Fabulousity!

When you go as long without blogging as I have just done, everyone wonders for a little while if you're going to have to give the blog CPR.  Could it be that the blogger has lost all interest in what he blogs about?  Is he about to change the name of the blog and then bring in a bunch of other writers to put up posts and then quietly slink away?  Of course, all the enemies of this blog have been so pleased that it has been so long since I posted that they have been trumpeting all over the internet, THE BURNING HEARTS REVOLUTION IS DEAD!

But that is not so.  Of course.  Because, as I've already proven, I will continue to blog long after the fad is gone and it becomes a tool relegated to old men.  Ahem.  Like now.  Also... I have auto-scheduled a blog post for the year 2057, so if it ever appears that the blog is discontinued you will know that there is one more post coming in the far flung future.  I can say without reservation that it is the funniest, most poignant, most deeply moving piece I have ever written.  It's worth the wait.  Sometimes when I wake in the middle of the night I get up and warm a glass of milk and sit and read it over and over until the warm satisfied glow that comes after all the tears and the laughter and the reminder of halcyon days gone by washes over me, and then I curl up around the computer and sleep like a baby kitten in a pane of sunlight.  It is that good.

In other news, instead of doing the traditional blogger apology paragraph where I tell you "boo hoo I love you my dear audience and I will never leave you again" I thought I would take the more honest route of saying that I hate you all, you magnificent horrible whiners.  And rather than giving you one shred of actual clue as to why I've not been blogging, I thought I would put a poll up on the sidebar where you can decide for yourself.  So stop sending me your little notes all the time saying "Are you all right, Matt" and "We're concerned for you because you usually are too much of a narcissist to keep from blogging for more than a day or two."  So be sure to take the poll, and in the comments feel free to leave an impressive list of topics you would like to see me address in future blog posts. 

That is all.  You may now return to the inferior blogs you have been filling your life with since I have left you hanging. 

Sincerely,

The Revolutionist

Fireworks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are exciting.

My kids are in a swim club.  Which means I'm in a club of sorts, too.  I never knew this, but being in swim club as a child means that in addition to practice and the swim fees and swim meets there's this thing called "Volunteer Hours."  You have to volunteer a certain amount or you get fined.  It's something like 800 hours, or you can buy your way out for forty bucks an hour.  Needless to say, Krista and I have chosen a life of indentured servitude to the Swim Team in exchange for which my children will grow up to have excellent back strokes and will often think, I imagine, while swimming in the Olympics, Thanks be to my parents for their hard work and dedication in doing all those volunteer hours. Without them I could have never become the best swimmer in the entire world.

This month's volunteer hours involved working at a Fireworks Stand in preparation for the 4th of July.  Now, you have to understand that we live in Washington, where fireworks are legal, and people come from several states away to buy them.  We had customers from as far away as California.  You could recognize them because of their deep tans shining out among the pasty white Oregonians and Washingtonians, and the way they would whisper, "Hey man, you got any, you know, fireworks?"

I grew up in California, so I know what it's like to live in a land where fire is illegal.  It's true.  Boy scouts in California have to learn to rub two sticks together until water comes out of them.  And fireworks are an unheard of and monstrously evil substance that can only be used in the most carefully constructed circumstance, and even the professionals are encouraged only to launch fireworks over bays of water.


In a strange piece of Washingtonian legislature, bottle rockets are illegal in Washington.  Every third customer asked me for bottle rockets, and I would tell them, "Those are illegal." One customer asked why.  I told him that they were too dangerous (this seemed like a safe answer).  He picked up a 500 gram mortar shell which had the dire warning SHOOTS FLAMING BALLS LIGHT ON GROUND AND STEP AWAY DO NOT HOLD IN HAND NO SPECTATORS WITHIN 100 FEET and asked, "Is this one dangerous?"  I assured him it was perfectly safe if one followed the directions and correctly built the bomb shelter in the way laid out in the instructions. 

Another interesting moment was when a customer asked me if our fireworks were made in America.  Which of course, no, they aren't.  Because the Chinese firework factories still have not taught us their secrets.  That is to say, we haven't figured out how to pay someone less than minimum wage to pour gunpowder into tiny packets with one's bare hands while an assembly line grumbles and sparks nearby.  This creates for interesting ironies when I pick up a firework named AMERICA RISING! to celebrate the U.S. of A and realize that it is made in China.

Perhaps the most frightening moment came when a man walked into our tent full of TNT, his hair and eyes equally wild, looked around, held up his unlit cigarette and asked, "Hey, man, you got a light?"  My eyes immediately darted to the two tiny fire extinguishers by the tent flap door which, I imagined, would not be particularly useful if a table full of fireworks caught on fire.  I did not particularly want my obituary to read, "HE TRIED TO PUT OUT A FLAMING TENT FULL OF FIREWORKS WITH AN EXTINGUISHER."  On the other hand, I thought that a fire extinguisher probably could be used to knock out a crazy person.  I cleared my throat and explained to the crazy gentleman that we were, in fact, standing in a tent full of fireworks and that even if we had a light (and we didn't) that we wouldn't give it to him and that although we had an inexplicably small sign saying NO SMOKING we meant it very, very sincerely, as if our lives depended on it (which they did).  He nodded and then walked around the tent looking at fireworks.  One of my co-volunteers gave me a look which said something like, I want to live to volunteer at next month's swim meet, please don't let him kill us with his smoking.  So I followed the crazy man around until he left.

On the 4th I realized that risking my life to provide our neighborhood and many others with the firepower necessary to celebrate the birth of our nation was worth every moment.  It wasn't just when my brother-in-law and I lit screaming space eye-balls that flew into the crowd of spectators, or the way that parachute laden firecrackers landed on our neighbor's roof.  It was the whole smoke-clouded spectacle of watching our Tongan neighbors light twenty-seven professional grade fireworks at once, aimed right over our roof, and the jolly comraderie as we all packed our folding chairs into the street to watch a show bigger and brighter and more fun than all the professional shows I've ever been to.  And meanwhile, good friends and family eating too much good food and all of us enjoying not just America, where State rights allow Washington to celebrate individual freedoms like buying our own fireworks, and waving around insanely long sparklers and then later entire packs of sparklers in each hand, just trying to use them up, and my brother-in-law and I are getting careless and lighting fireworks in our hands and tossing them nonchalantly before they pop and the neighbors are starting to tie all the fuses of their fireworks together because we're running out of time to celebrate, because midnight is on the way and then it will be the 5th of July and we'll all crawl into our beds and listen to the last few delayed and muffled celebratory explosions in the distance, and then a satiated and jolly neighborhood slips into contented sleep and in the morning we all wake up and say, next year it will be even better, why would we ever go to another big fireworks show again when we could visit those white tents and create something beautiful right here on our own street and above our own home?


You are all invited to next year's festivities.  And if you happen to pass a Reservation, pick up some bottle rockets on your way.