Tuesday, July 19, 2011

40 Day Fast Day Fifteen: Secret Snacking

I only bought one hamburger I swear!

Once upon a time my daughter Z stole a piece of tres leche cake Krista had made. She hunkered down behind the couch, and when we walked into the room she quickly shoved it under the couch, where I found it a few days later. Needless to say, no one was pleased about our little discovery. 

I have this habit, too. I call it "Secret Snacking." I like to buy "car snacks" and keep them stashed in my car. Just a few tortilla chips or a bag of cookies. Then, when I'm on my way to work, I chow down on a snack that no one knows about and never has to go into my home. Why do I do this? I don't know. Maybe deep down I think I shouldn't be eating those foods.  

Today I noticed myself thinking, "If I ate a little food while I was out at the store no one would know." Which, of course, reveals a heart attitude that is disturbing, because I'm not fasting to show off for other people. The point is not to make people THINK I'm fasting, and thus am a wonderful (crazy?) person. No, in fact, other people shouldn't be my motivation at all. And yet, this one little thought reveals that on some level I'm just like the guys I mentioned a couple days ago... the ones who disfigure their faces to "show off" that they are fasting, to make a big deal out of it. 

We all have mixed motives, I guess. But this is one I'm banishing right now. No secret snacks! If I don't make it the full 40 days, then so be it! I'll say so publicly. But I'm not going to pretend I did something other than what I actually do. 

Meanwhile, napping has become very hard to skip. I feel that much of the day is spent cold and sleepy. Also, strangely, I feel really relaxed. It's like all my stress has melted away, or decided not to talk to me anymore. Could it be the slowness of my bodily function and lowered heart rate right now? Or the fact that I'm taking a nap pretty much every day? I'm not sure, but I certainly feel relaxed and mellow! Even things that should stress me out, I know intellectually they are stressful, but physiologically they aren't having any effect. I feel relaxed and happy.