Wonderful Wednesday: Astronaut Jesus

This Jesus doll is made by an Argentinian design company and it's sold out in every color.  Who buys these? 

If you have one of these I expect you to admit it RIGHT NOW.  And to send a picture of where you keep it.

Why are clouds different colors?

One of the great things about children is that you realize that there are all sorts of questions in life that you've never thought to ask... questions like, "Dad, why are some clouds black and other clouds white?"

I decided that instead of researching this question I would, instead, "Ask The Audience" to give me a final answer for my children.  Please vote in the poll below:

1) Clouds are different colors dependent on the color of their mother and father clouds.

2) God decides whether to make them white, black or something in-between so that they match their surroundings.

3) Evolution. Clouds that are best adapted to their environment are most likely to evade their natural predators, and thus are the most likely to procreate.  That's why purple, yellow and plaid clouds are relatively rare.

4) Optical thickness, either because of quantity or density of water droplets, prevents light from getting through the cloud.

5) If it's about to rain, the cloud is darker, genius.

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs

Last week Krista and I took the kids to see this movie:



To be honest neither of us were particularly excited to see it, but the kids had the day off school so we took them out that night since they didn't have to get up early the next day. The movie had ratbirds, a talking monkey, a police officer with a pretty major role played by Mr. T and... Bruce Campbell. Crazy. But it was actually a really good movie. I enjoyed it a lot and walked away amazed by how much you can get away with. Once you get the audience to accept the basic premise that a wacky scientist can turn water into food, well, you can get them to accept pretty much anything that comes after that. Yay for pseudo-science! Anyway, if you haven't seen this movie it's worth your time. I was laughing harder than the kids sometimes.

And, in the world of previews, where kids always ask "Dad, can we go see that movie?" I was forced to say NO WAY to Disney's Princess and the Frog. It's too bad because it's nice to see Disney doing some hand drawn animation again, but I just don't want my kids watching a movie where voodoo plays such a big role. Also the trailer simply wasn't funny. Too bad, Disney.

But that's okay, I told them we could go see this instead:

You know you want to see this

This is the first official picture from next summer's A-Team movie. It looks awesome, right?  Yes, it does.  And do you notice who is playing Hannibal?  It's Liam Neeson.  Nice!  I love it when a plan comes together.

via SlashFilm

Wonderful Wednesday:Hello Kitty Beer

Stretching the definition of "Wonderful" to the outer limits, please enjoy this crossover between cute kitty and liquified barley.

What do you think?  Is this WRONG or "Oh-so-right"?

P.S. When I can't find anything for Wonderful Wednesday I just type "Japan" into a search engine. 

O Books, Why Must You Torment Me?

This book arrived in my mail box last week...as regular readers of BHR know, Michael Connelly is one of the few authors who forces me to buy books in hard cover because I can't wait for the paperback.

In a twist of cruel fate I realize that if I read this book now I'll fall behind in my seminary class reading.  So this book sits beside my bed, mocking me.  Grr.  It might have to wait for Thanksgiving.

In other news, Gene Wolfe's new book has been moved up to March!  Yay!

My Trip to Tyndale

At the end of this week I flew out to meet the book team for Imaginary Jesus at Tyndale.  I was picked up at the airport by my driver and he told me that he had another fare to pick up.  I said that was fine with me (as if I had some sort of say -- like to keep the illusion of power), so we zipped over to the international terminal and picked up a guy who had just gotten in from Frankfurt.  He offered me some french fries.  As we talked a bit more he told me that he had been in Frankfurt on business.  I asked his business and he told me that he worked for a publisher and had been at the Frankfurt book fair.  I asked what publisher and he said Tyndale.  Then we all (driver included) had a good laugh because that's why I was in the cab, after all. It turned out that this was actually Doug Knox, the publisher for the section of Tyndale which is printing my book.  So we had a half hour together on the ride home.

That night, Kevin O'Brien from Tyndale's Bible division came over and picked me up and we went back to his house where we talked with his lovely wife about hockey, writing, family, Bibles and cats with too many toes.  We had a good time, and it was super nice of Kevin to drive a half hour each way, twice just so we could hang out.

Then I tried to get a burger at WhiteCastle, but they were only taking people through the drive thru.

The next morning Sharon Leavitt picked me up and we made our way over to the Tyndale office.  I met the book team, which was cool because I feel like we're all already friends, so we were meeting again for the first time.  We went downstairs into "THE STUDIO" to do a little interview for Imaginary Jesus where I answered questions like, "Why do you hate Jane Austin so much?" and "If you had to fight a ninja or a pirate which would you choose?" and also "Can Matt inflate a long skinny balloon without a balloon pump?" (SPOILER: I can't).  These questions were all masterminded by Sarah Atkinson, who was trying to publicly humiliate me in an attempt to keep me from getting a big head because of all the nice endorsements coming in for the book.  It was a clever ploy and it remains to see if it is working. Luckily Nancy Clausen was along to make sure that my answers didn't come across too idiotically (meaning: too much like my real self!  Ha ha.)

Then off to a meeting with the excellent Publicity team (you guys are going to enjoy some of the fun ideas that will be coming your way soon), followed by a lunch from the local pizza place.  Chicago deep dish, of course!  As we ate and then afterward we had an enjoyable conversation that ranged from books, missions, my next project, the gospel, who-in-the-room-speaks-Chinese, how great my wife is, and more.  It was a lot of fun, and I think we all laughed pretty hard.

After that came the big discussion of whether to include a study guide in the back of Imaginary Jesus.  There has been a lot of back and forth on this topic -- whether a series of questions in the back will create a "value added" experience for readers, or whether it will make the story suddenly seem like it was a didactic lesson.  Feel free to leave your opinion on this topic in the comments, but I think we finally came to a resolution.

Then came the tour of Tyndale, which was fun, and I got to meet some more of the amazing staff that works there.  One of the things I was amazed by was the fact that the illustrated Bible I read when I was a kid, they had some of the original art up on the wall.  And then, too soon, it was time to leave.  I know that the Tyndale staff actually have jobs other than hanging out with me, but I would have been glad to spend one more day hanging out.  And I'm glad to say that all the people who have been my e-mail and twitter buddies are even more fun and enjoyable in person.

Last but not least I got in my car headed back for the airport and had a pretty deep spiritual conversation with my driver.  He's going through a rough patch and just starting out in a relationship with Jesus, so we talked about the gospel and what it means to experience God's peace in a broken world and then I had the privilege of praying for him.

WHEW!  So.  I should have a few more details to share about our time together this week and some of the things we decided, plans we made, and things we're kicking around.  There are a lot of fun things coming up in the future.

Thanks to all the Tyndale staff for the amazing hospitality, for your hard work and your friendship.  I hope to get a lot more time together in the future!

What a Church's commitment to international missions reveals...

Here's a quote from page 274 Stephen Neil's excellent A History of Christian Missions, which I'm reading for the class I'm taking in the, uh, history of Christian missions. 

“The missionary enterprise of the Churches is always in a measure the reflection of their vigour, of their wealth, and of that power of conviction which finds its expression in self-sacrifice and a willingness for adventurous service.”

Neil is specifically referring to international mission here.  So.  I'd like to hear your thoughts.  Does the Church's (or church's) commitment to missions reflect the church's:

Vigor?

Wealth?

Conviction?

Willingness to sacrifice and serve adventurously?  

Do you agree or disagree and why?  

Wonderful Wednesday: Google Flu Trends

Google has discovered that using aggregated search content, they can estimate real-time flu levels around the world.  So far these estimates have closely mirrored the CDC data when it comes out, quite a bit later.  Check out the google flu site:

United States Flu Activity
Influenza estimate	Google Flu Trends estimate  United States data

United States: Influenza-like illness (ILI) data provided publicly by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.

In other news, Google will be releasing the Statistical Predictions of What You Are Getting For Christmas tool next month.  Just put in your age, financial strata and geographic location and Google will predict what you'll find under your Christmas tree with 87% accuracy! (NOTE: Does not work for people who don't celebrate Christmas)

Dreaming

I had two dreams last night and I thought I would post them here so that you can psycho-analyze me, which is probably more effective and certainly less expensive than seeing a professional.

Dream #1: At the Puppeteers.  I walked into a puppet maker's shop and the puppeteer told me, "Hey, we just got a new puppet in.  It's the Woody Allen puppet."  I laughed and said, "I wouldn't want to put my hand in that."  One of the customers gave me a dirty look, as if I had said something super offensive (I realized in the dream that it certainly wasn't a polite thing to say).  I looked at that customer and said, "C'mon!  Woody Allen would think that was funny.  Would he not?"  Only when I said "would he not" I made it sound also like "Woody Not?"  Then I laughed like crazy at my own joke.  Then the dream ended.

Dream #2: At the Laundromat.  I was on a boat with a bunch of people (I got the feeling I knew them all pretty well) and we were on the way to the laundromat (this laundromat could only be reached by water). As we got closer this guard goat came swimming out toward us, barking like a dog, but our boat's captain shooed it away with gondolier's pole.  I was amazed at the barking goat, which came out on shore, shook its fur out and stood next to another goat on the shore (both had four horns).  Then the guard at the gate opened the wrought iron gate for our boat and we came into the laundromat property.  On the riverbank was an enormous crocodile wearing armor, sunning.  Amazed by this, I looked up at the guard, and next to him stood a dinosaur of some sort, also wearing armor.  It looked like a velociraptor, but with a smaller head... definitely a predator of some sort.  As I looked at it with some alarm I realized it was actually a statue, as was the crocodile.  Then I noticed along the bank an enormous number of triceratops statues, some with different pieces broken off, but many of them intact.  We walked through the laundromat and then ran out to walk through the statuary. After a while Krista realized that she had left a stack of videotapes in the laundromat that she was really worried about, so we ran up to find them (one was our wedding video). We got there and the videos were fine, but we had forgotten to do our laundry.  And that was the end of that dream.

Okay, kids.  Share your dreams, deconstruct mine or leave mean comments about how much weirder your dreams are than mine. 

President Obama is given a very special honor

That's right.  It's Chia Obama.  Only three presidents currently have this honor: Washington, Lincoln and Obama.  When the five members who make up the Chia Committee were asked how they came to this decision, they said, "Let's be honest... only three presidents have had really great hair.  Okay, four if you count Clinton."  But Clinton was thought to be too controversial a choice, so they replaced him with the Statue of Liberty.

Congratulations, President Obama!

The Muppets Take Ramallah

The New York Times ran a fascinating article about the continuing attempts to make a tenable Palestinian version of Sesame Street.  Here's a link.  Sesame Street has been making contextualized versions of their show for a lot of years... including locally produced segments, Muppets unique to their version of the show, and characters interacting with issues and themes that children in that culture may face.  As you can imagine, doing all these things and also sticking to Sesame Street's values of education and tolerance can be complex, especially in war zones and the third world.  In any case, it's an interesting article that is worth your time.

Now, if you're saying, Matt, I am sick of you putting links to articles from the NYT, I want something a little less meaty and a little more based on grown up fans of the muppets discussing trivia, puppeteers, history, comics, et cetera, then say no more.  You should go visit Tough Pigs.  And now I have done my good deed for the day.  I intend to celebrate by refusing to help an old lady cross the street.

News From My Neighborhood

Return of the Expulsions of Houdini Dog.  No doubt you recall the many times in the past when a clandestine canine visited my yard and made deposits in the hope that my feet, like some sort of podiatric bank tellers, would happen along and then whisk the deposits away to some other, safer location.

I thought that was all over.  But in recent weeks it seems clear that someone has been either helping or attempting to frame our old friend Houdini Dog.  We know this is true because a perfectly straight line of excrement has been appearing in our yard.  What I mean to say is that each pile is in line with the next, as if standing in a queue.  But what is it waiting for?  That is yet to be determined.  The most mysterious part is that, once again, the offending digested materials have been appearing in our back yard... our locked back yard.  Some think that it has been tossed over the fence.  It is a mystery.

Killing Me Softly... With Her Smoke.  There's this lady on the next street over who walks her kids to school every day while smoking a cigarette.  She forces her kids to walk five to ten steps ahead of her so they won't breathe in any smoke.  When we came up on the sidewalk behind her, she freaked out, tried to wave the smoke away and finally decided to walk in the middle of the street, where she wouldn't get her inhalations on anyone.  When I walk home from the school I often see her on the corner, standing there and having a smoke.  When she sees me coming she waves the smoke away and mumbles sorry, sorry.  If I were her I think I would just say, "Please look away... I'm trying to slowly destroy my lungs and it embarrasses me to have people watching."

Mews from My Neighborhood.  Gemma the Cat of Terror has given birth to yet another litter of kittens.  One of the girls who lives at Gemma's house said, "I don't think anyone has ever had The Talk with Gemma."  It's true.  It's hard to deny that they are cute.  I took hold of one for this picture.  Afterward I noted that it looked like I was choking the poor cat, but that could not be farther from the truth.  In fact, here's a second picture showing that the cat is alright.

Kittens In Disguise. And, lastly, in news of the neighborhood weird, Tuesday night at about 9:30 I drove home from seminary to see a man in camouflage carrying something clutched to his chest.  A rifle, I assumed.  Why is a man dressed in military-ish clothing carrying a rifle through our neighborhood, I wondered.  And then, as I drove by, I took a look in the rearview mirror and discovered that his rifle was, in fact, a large black cat.  I don't know what he's planning to do with that cat, but here's my guess: Using his camouflage outfit he sneaks up on his worst enemy.  Then, when his enemy isn't watching, he SPRINGS THE BLACK CAT, who crosses path with the enemy.  Now his enemy has bad luck!  Moowhahahahaaa!

Wonderful Wednesday: Settlers of Catan vs. the Old Testament

Today's Wonderful Wednesday is this fascinating foray into the Christianization (or, okay, it could be the Judaization) of the popular game, Settlers of Catan.  In this version, instead of trying to build your own settlements to win the game, you have to be the one to contribute the most to building the temple in Jerusalem.

Also, you can get the "Kill Anyone Who Lives Where You Are Supposed to Settle With the Power of the Lord" card.






Okay, I made that last part up.

Update: A couple of you have already written me asking where you can buy it. You can buy it right here.

Stalking that Elusive Prey -- THE LITERARY AGENT!

You know, there are plenty of great posts out there about finding a literary agent.  And, to be honest, they all say pretty much the same things.  Which leads me to think that YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE IN THE INTERNET AREN'T LISTENING!  And do you know what I do when you aren't listening?  I say it a different way.  So.  Here are some tips on how to find a literary agent said in a way that you've never, never heard before.

It goes like this: You, the hungry young author, are the lion (or lioness).  The literary agent is the tasty gazelle who can sate your hunger.

And now, tips for the predator seeking its prey:

1) Study your prey carefully.  Don't just jump out at them the first chance you get and scream I HAVE A 500,000 WORD FANTASY EPIC ABOUT ELVES PRETENDING TO BE SKINNY HUMAN MODELS!  Be honest... this would startle anyone.  Take your time.  Watch them from the bushes.  Read their blog.  Read their submission guidelines.  Make sure, for instance, that they represent fantasy books.  And if they don't, they're going to get away if you give it a try.  But don't be too disappointed...there are plenty of gazelle on the savannah. 

2) Thin the herd to the most promising prey.  There are hundreds upon hundreds of tasty gazelle out there, and you can't chase a whole herd.  You want to get it down to a list of, say, twenty favorites.  Don't go after the weakest animals in the herd, either, go after your best shots.  Make sure the antelope both reads and represents the type of book you are selling.  Go online and see if they represent other lions you respect.  Make sure they aren't big cheaters (if, for instance, it turns out they are actually hunters disguised as antelope... run away) and they have a good reputation.  You may have to be ruthless to get your list down to twenty.  Then go after them in groups of, let's say, three to five at a time.  Be sure to tell them, "Hey, no offense but you're not the only prey I'm stalking.  No guarantees that you're the one I'm going to catch."  Or something along those lines.

3) Query them politely.  It should sound something like this: "If I were to chase after you, would you run so fast that I would have dust in my mouth, or do you think I would have a chance to capture you with my sharp, sharp claws?"  You will be surprised at how honestly the gazelle will reply to such a polite inquiry.

4) Give them your best work.  Gazelles and antelope are embarrassed to be caught by slow-running predators.  If an antelope is going to go down, it doesn't want to go out like a punk.  It wants it to be a glorious fight, like this, "I didn't want to represent Matt Mikalatos, but his query was so well written... and the stunning prose of his sample chapters slowed me down because I wanted to look at it in awe.  And then, well, I tried to escape but it was too late. I felt his sharp little teeth on my neck and I knew... I was going to be his agent."

5) Don't give up.  As the old saying goes, it's the hard working lioness who captures the antelope and is ushered into the presence of many publishers.  Or something like that.

6) Use other, more successful predators to set it up for you.  There's no shame in using a larger predator to get your dirty work done.  Let's say, for instance, that you are a hyena and you happen to be close friends with a great big lion.  There's no harm in asking the lion, "Hey, could you introduce me around and maybe catch some prey and just hold onto it for a while so I can talk to it?"  For me, as a matter of fact, an established author who I knew from a seminary class offered to let me use his name to approach a few agents who were "out of my league."  And it worked!

7) Make yourself look good... be a professional.  While agents may be the big prize around the campfire, the fact is that it's helpful to show off your hunting skills.  Maybe you've been published in a national magazine, or a famous blog, or a little startup magazine that pays professional rates. If you can show that you can make money of some sort as a writer, all the better.  Sometimes you have to kill a few monkeys, rabbits and mice before you move up to the antelope.  And sometimes a few professional magazine articles could get you moved to the front of the "promising predators" file.

8) Remember that the hippopotamus kills more people each year than the lion.  I think the meaning of this statement will be clear to all of you given the context of this post.

9) Stop annoying the antelope with all your jibber-jabber.  A predator must be patient.  It's bad form to keep saying over and over to the antelope, "What do you think?  Am I going to catch you?  Do you see how fast I run?  Can you tell I'm a sleek and svelte lioness?"  If you haven't heard from the antelope in six weeks or so just drop it a line that says, "I just wanted to make sure you knew that I was chasing after you, that's all.  Love, the Lion."

10) Yes, yes, you may savor a victory roar.  When a lion successfully captures an antelope, it is perfectly acceptable to roar all about it on your blog, via twitter, or in personal phone calls to everyone you know. Or you can drop it in casual conversation around the water hole.  Be sure to say "my agent" all the time.  You deserve it, you beautiful animal, you.

And that concludes today's ten tips for catching an antelope.  Feel free to leave your comments and questions in this post.  For bonus points to make sure you were paying attention, feel free to explain point eight at length.

FINAL NOTE TO THE ANTELOPE: I know you might think this simple how-to guide is a little creepy.  But let's be honest, you want to get caught.  And this just might work.  Please be patient with queries and proposals in the next few weeks that use a predator metaphor.  

Home!

I'm home from a great time speaking at the St. Cloud State Fall Getaway.  Which means that this morning I got to hang out with baby M!

First John and the St. Cloud Fall Getaway

I'm hanging out with the kids from St. Cloud State University this weekend, and we're going through First John all weekend.  Tonight was chapter one and the first six verses of chapter 2, where we talked about Jesus' offer to destroy our status quo and bring us into a revolutionary life of eternal fellowship with him.  A good time was had by all.

Afterward the worship guy got up and that horrible screeching tone that sometimes accompanies guitars and microphones being too close to one another went off.

Worship Guy: That's just my way of saying 'thank you' to you, Matt.

Me: Thanks for the feedback.

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!  And that's what the poor St. Cloud kids are in for all weekend.

You can be praying for the talks if you're the praying type:  Tomorrow morning we'll be talking about transformation in our community relationships, tomorrow afternoon I'll meet with the leadership students to talk about leadership as a Christ follower and Sunday morning I'll be teaching on the great commission and being agents of worldwide revolution!

Lord, Save us from your Followers

Hey if you're in Portland looking for something to do tonight, you should go check out Lord, Save Us From Your Followers at the Fox Tower theatre. If you go to the 7 o'clock showing, Dan Merchant, the filmmaker and star of the movie will be around for the Q and A time. It should be a blast and I wish I could get out there! If you go, tell Dan that Mikalatos sent you.

The Traditional Airport Post: SECURITYYYYYYYYYY!

The longest lines at PDX that I've ever seen this morning, and as you might expect the beleaguered security people are hard at work and, yes, friendly!

Here are two things I saw while waiting in line:

1) An old lady! She hasn't flown in a long time. She didn't know that her liquids had to be in a quart sized bag so she put them in a GALLON sized bag! The security man tells her that she will have to pick her favorites and put them in a quart sized bag and toss, give away or drink the rest! She is dismayed! She is staring at her gallon sized bag of toiletries! Her lotions! Her gels! Her pastes! It is a hard life.

2) A soldier in the military! He is wearing his desert camos! People come up to him and thank him for serving. I also am thankful. He is a living weapon, that much is clear. The security man sees that the soldier had large, impressive, undoubtedly deadly boots on. Keep those on! he tells the soldier. No need to send them through the X-ray like the flip-flops of the man in front of you. After all, we know already that you are dangerous. Please walk right through. And this the soldier did, because he is accustomed to taking orders! A feeling of safety settles over the crowd!

MORAL: Terrorists will never get their shampoo onto a flight, unless they dress as soldiers and hide it in their boots.

THE END

Your Inner Weird Meets Your Book Proposal

I've got a guest post up today over at Rachelle Gardner's excellent blog, CBA Ramblings.  If you're a writer or want to be a writer, you should be reading Rachelle's blog regularly. My post over there is about how I learned to start writing what I love rather than what I thought other people wanted to see and how that, paradoxically, eventually got me an agent and got me published.  As a bonus feature for anybody stopping by the Burning Hearts Revolution today, I thought I'd give a concrete example of how "Embracing my Inner Weird" changed not only my book, but also my book proposal.

The difference is clearest when we look at the book's premise.  While many sections (the author bio, my platform, the audience) stayed mostly the same, the premise of the book changed pretty radically, despite having essentially the same theme.  Here's the premise as it appeared in my first proposal:

If I come across a bunch of people sitting outside my church selling doves and changing money, I know I should make a whip out of ropes and turn their tables over and yell at them.  But what is the most Christ-like action when buying my lunch at McDonald's?  Should I buy a Filet-O-Fish sandwich?  Should I turn a milkshake into wine?  I spend my life guessing what Jesus would do instead of living like him.  Is there a way I can get to know the real Jesus instead of inventing my own?  Imaginary Jesus will help identify places in our lives where we've adopted a false Jesus for our own convenience, and talk about real, practical ways to connect with the living, breathing Christ.

The man who eventually became my agent (Wes Yoder of Ambassador Literary), as I shared in my post on Rachelle's blog, told me to take another shot at it, but emphasizing the story-telling stuff and minimizing what he called the "Sunday School lessons."  That weekend I feverishly wrote about six chapters of "Imaginary Jesus Reimagined" and sent them off to Wes.  He got back to me right away, and here was the new and improved premise we used to describe the book once I finished writing it (now that it was fiction instead of non-fiction, I needed to finish the book, not just outline it):

Sitting in a coffee shop with Jesus, Matt Mikalatos realizes that the pleasant, robed man across the table is not the real Jesus at all.  During Matt’s attempt to destroy the imposter and find the real Jesus, Imaginary Jesus escapes.  Now the Lamb is on the lam and Matt is on a quest to find the living, breathing Christ.  With the help of the apostle Peter, a talking donkey and the mysterious Motorcycle Guy, he chases Jesus across the city of Portland, determined to exorcise his imaginary friend.  A fast-paced, hilarious novel, Imaginary Jesus explores what it means to be in relationship with a physically absent but relationally present Jesus. 

As you can see, that's a pretty drastically different book... although the title and "living, breathing Christ" made it into both.  I like that phrase pretty well.

Next Tuesday I'll post some thoughts about getting an agent.  For those of you who are in the process of looking for an agent now, I think you'll find it helpful... there are a lot of things I did that you can do just as easily.


I'd be glad to answer other questions you might have about writing, book proposals, finding an agent, Jesus, butterflies, the average speed of an African swallow or anything else that interests you.  You can leave a comment here or send me a note at matt.mikalatos (at) gmail.com.

Wonderful Wednesday: The public art of Joshua Callaghan

Check out this amazing work by Joshua Callaghan.  He likes to paint public objects to appear like the items which are standing behind them.  Which translates to urban camouflage.  I'm a fan.

I'm planning to paint our house to look like our back yard (don't tell Krista).

Three things I've learned while watching late night television with my infant daughter

1) Montel Williams is a really big fan of blankets with sleeves.   Every time I flipped around to him, there he was, talking about how great a blanket with sleeves could be for me.  I shifted underneath my precarious blanket wrap, baby in one arm and remote in the opposing hand and decided that I would not buy one of those around the time that the husband and wife said that they bought two to wear in bed so that they would never steal each other's covers.

2) Oscar Wilde spent two years in prison for "gross indecency." I had no idea.  But some movie from the 1960s knew all about it.

3) Apparently young singles in my area like to call "chat lines" while wearing skimpy clothing, lying around in their living room with candles, or while lounging in a hot tub.  Kids these days... go figure. 

Winners of the Holy BIble: Mosaic drawing

Congratulations to Ruthie Johnson and Erica Cheslock, the winners of the Holy Bible: Mosaic lot casting for free Bibles.  I've contacted Ruthie and Erica and their Bibles are flying through the air... right... now.

What's that?  You want to know how I chose from the more than 50 entries to come up with Ruthie and Erica?  Fine then.  I assigned each person a number (those who tweeted, commented and entered other ways got extra numbers) and then used a random number generator to choose between them.

While at the random number generator I got distracted by the coin toss feature, in which you can choose coins from throughout history to toss.  The way I figure it if you're going to toss a coin you might as well toss a Aurelian  Bronze Antoninianus from the Roman Empire.

Anyway, if you didn't win a copy, you can still purchase a copy.  It's a really fun, helpful Bible.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Thirty-Eight: I Keel You)

Dedicated to the old man with the flat blue tooth and the two middle-aged sisters all drinking coffee together at Peet's coffee in Beaverton, Oregon.  And yes, I can identify you old man.  I'M WATCHING YOU!!!!

Old Man: -- think that the best solution is to kill him.

Sister 1: What does that solve in the long run?  The police would eventually trace it back to you and then you would go to jail for the rest of your life.  I just don't think that's a good solution.

Old Man: I don't think the police will do anything about him, so the best solution is to kill him.

Sister 2: I would get his address from google maps and then watch him for something that would get the police's attention.


How the police will find him out in the end if he ever did something drastic (sounded like the sisters eventually talked him out of this): turns out you shouldn't discuss murdering someone in crowded coffee shops and so on.  Who knew?

Your true colors are beautiful,,, like the wind

Little known fact about me: I have little names that I use for different outfits I wear.  For instance, I have these brown shorts that I sometimes wear with a striped brown polo shirt.  I call this my "prison outfit" because Krista once said that the striped shirt reminded her of something a prisoner would wear. I also have a pair of blue shorts that I wear with a grey shirt, and I call that my Civil War outfit because it is like the Union vs. the Confederacy, except that the Confederacy is in the North and the Union in the South.  I also have these khaki shorts that I wear with a green shirt.  This is called the green shirt outfit.

But my entire system was thrown into disarray when someone mentioned on Monday that the blue shorts of my Civil War outfit were grey.  In fact, they walked up to me and called me "Grey Man."  I asked Krista later in the day what color my shorts were and she confirmed that we could, at best, call them "formerly blue."  I was stunned.  No longer could I call this outfit my Civil War outfit.  Unless I was happy with the a-historical representation that  the Confederacy was winning out over the Union!  I don't think so.

So now I need a new name for the outfit.  Here are some of the choices.  Feel free to leave your suggestions or preferences in the comments to this post:

1) Grey Man. 
2) The outfit formerly known as the Civil War outfit.
3) The Antebellum South.
4) Portland Skies (Winter)

That is all.

Wonderful Wednesday: Jung's Red Book

Carl Jung kept a secret diary where he tried to break down the barrier between his conscious and unconscious mind.  His family has been keeping it private for decades, and it's being published next month.  Jung feared that people would think he was insane if they read the book.  Check out some of his drawings.

Here's an article about the process of getting the book and publishing it, and more details about the strange journey this book has taken to print, the slavish devotion of some Jungians and the Descendants of Jung.

You can purchase the The Red Book here.  Only a hundred bucks (!).  I'm pretty interested to take a look at this bad boy, but think I might have to make a date at the library.

Free Mosaic Bible here at BHR!

Great news! You may recall me gushing over the artsy beauty and theological richness of the new NLT Mosaic Bible-- a Bible that has devotionals built around the church calendar with art, creeds, quotes and hymns from across the centuries and around the world. Well, thanks to the generosity of one of its editors, David Sanford, I have TWO COPIES TO GIVE AWAY THIS WEEK!

I thought we would do it "random drawing style" to increase the appearance of casting lots. What could be more Biblical than that? I'll be doing the drawing this Friday night sometime, so get your entries in before Friday at 5pm Pacific.

You can get your name entered into the drawing up to four times. Here's how to do it:

1) Send me your email address using the form below. This DOES NOT sign you up for a newsletter. Don't believe the hype that will tell you otherwise. This just allows me to get your email in a way that keeps internet robots from learning your email address and telling you that you won the British lottery. 

Mosaic Bible drawing

Enter your email address:

Enter the 5-digit code displayed:

2) Leave a comment on this post. I will read all the comments, so feel free to try to sway me by saying things like, "A wild dog tore my own Bible to pieces and I really need this because it also got my wallet and my internet connection." But since this is a drawing it won't really matter. Make sure I have a way to contact you if you leave a comment.

3) Tweet about the giveaway this week. Be sure to include a link to this post, and if you want to make sure I see it you should probably put @mattmikalatos in your tweet, too.

4) Put a link to the giveaway on your blog. Again, you'll need to let me know about this (though I should see the incoming links).

So, there you have it. Four ways to win. I'll do the drawing on Friday, so the winners should be hearing from me this weekend. Good luck and may whoever is causing this terrible storm that is causing our ship to sink be the one to draw the shortest lot.

Dr. Horrible at the Emmys

In case you missed his appearance at the Emmys, here's Dr. Horrible's evil genius on display:



And if you have a higher standard of evil and don't think this video cuts it, I would suggest you check out this link.  Mooohwahhahahahahaaaaaa!

I knew it

Win a Free Mosaic Bible

Those of you who follow me on twitter know that I got a free copy of theHoly Bible, Mosaic a few weeks back. 

It's a really cool Bible that has quotes, creeds and artwork from throughout church history in a series of devotionals that follow the church calendar.  You can see more about it here:
Holy Bible: Mosaic NLT 

Anyway, I saw today that another (more generous) blog is having a contest where YOU can get a free copy of the book yourself if you enter.  Here's a link to that contest.  I think you have to enter by Monday, though, so you better get to it.

Also -- I know I've directed a few of you to blogger review programs for Thomas Nelson and NavPress, and I recently discovered Tyndale's, also.  Here's a link to that.

Alright kids, have fun and go win yourself a Bible (ah, what a special moment of church history we live in that we can raffle off Bibles).

The Traditional Airport Post

Yesterday, Krista and I flew Horizon.  Two events of note:

Wanda Gets Grounded.  A woman we later learned was called 'Wanda' came onto the plane and took a seat in the row ahead of us.  Then she got up and moved to the back.  Then a cop came on the plane and said, "Wanda, we need you to step off the plane." 

"Why would you do this to me?" Wanda asked.  "I'm just trying to get home."

"Step off the plane and we'll talk about it," the officer said.  Then they went back and forth for a while.  Why would you do this to me?  Step off the plane.  But why would you do this to me?  Step off the plane.  And then Wanda stepped off the plane, leaving all of us to make us stories about why she was removed.

My theory: Drrrunk!

Krista's theory: Wanda did something bad.  Then possibly snuck onto the plane.  This is one of the rare moments where Krista's invented history for another person is more dramatic than mine.


Missionary Aviation Fellowship.  We overheard the young lady behind us talking and realized she's a missionary that will be joining our friends Matt and Sharon in Slovenia.  Of course Krista and I are missionaries.  And the lady across the aisle from the missionary behind us seemed awfully familiar with a variety of missions organizations.  This is very strange when you consider the small percentage of Christians in Portland, that so many of us on the plane were missionaries.  Maybe that's why they took Wanda off the plane... she was a missionary and she was skewing the percentages on the plane.

In any case, when we got off the plane I saw this bumper sticker: IN CASE OF RAPTURE THIS PLANE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF LEG ROOM.

Wonderful Wednesday: DRAGON BOAT!

I'm not sure why so many of the Wonderful Wednesdays have to do with Japan, other than the fact that Japan is more wonderful than other countries. Check out this dragon boat:

Imaginary Jesus at the US Open

Keen eyed BHR correspondent Ken Cheung sent in this note and the picture on the left:

"I found Jesus at the us open ... he is married to kim clijsters."








P.S. I am a big fan of puns, but if one more sports writer says something about Clijsters staging "The Mother of All Comebacks" I am going to stick my fist into the internet to send them some electronic justice.

Imaginary Jesus Cover Art

Here it is at last -- the official cover to Imaginary Jesus!  The fine folks at Tyndale sent several rough drafts of possible covers to me back in July, and the early version of this cover was by far my favorite.  It made me laugh, and I love the haphazard look to it, like someone just took a sharpie to a guy and made him look like Jesus.  So, I'm pleased that this is the cover that was eventually agreed upon all around.

The cover was designed by Beth Sparkman, who sent me this behind-the-scenes note about the cover design:  "This image just jumped out at me as being so far out, and then when I scribbled the beard and hair on it with a half-dried up marker it got even more bizarre! But I thought it fit the wildness of the book so showed it to Nancy [marketing director at Tyndale] and Sarah [Tyndale acquisitions editor]. The rest is history. . ."

The picture should show up in places like Amazon starting next week.  You can preorder Imaginary Jesus
on Amazon and they will give you the lowest price between now and the release date in April!

Notice also the official tag line... brought to us by the ridiculously clever Sarah Atkinson.

Hope you enjoyed this little sneak preview. Now go out there, get a sharpie, and deface some posters.

Wonderful Wednesday: Zombie Bunnies!

Today's Wonderful Wednesday takes us to the land of handmade zombie bunnies. AAAAH! They live! They are so cute! And deadly!

This Song Is Stuck In My Head

And  I don't care because it's a great song.

Leave me alone, strange old man

I was sitting in my car minding my own business, with the AC on, reading a newspaper.  A rap on the window startled me and I looked up to see an old man making the "roll down your window" sign.  Since I was in a public parking lot I didn't think much of it, so I rolled my window down.

He said, "You need to keep your window rolled down."  I just stared back at him, trying to figure out what made him in charge of windows in this particular parking lot and, yes, why he could possibly care.  "Carbon monoxide," he said.  "It's odorless, tasteless and invisible and when your car is running it can come up through your floorboards and kill you.  So you need to open your windows if you're going to sit out here with your car running."

I couldn't think of what to say so I said, "Okay, thanks."  When he walked away I rolled up my window.  Then I thought, Really?  Am I at risk when I am at a stop light, then?  I should have asked him.

I wondered if I should be worried about dying every time I sat in the car with the windows up and AC on.  But then I started thinking about his description of carbon monoxide: odorless, tasteless, invisible, deadly. I suddenly realized he wasn't talking about carbon monoxidea at all... he was talking about iocane powder!  Fortunately, I've spent the last several years building up an immunity to iocane poisoning.

Take that, old man!

An Open Letter to the Twitter Skeptic

Dear Twitter Skeptic,

You know, I'm sick and tired of hearing you say that twitter is no good, that it's rotting our minds, that it can't hold anything of value.  I think, honestly, that you are repeating (RTing?) criticisms you've heard from other people.  There are plenty of great, worthwhile twitter accounts that make people's lives better.

I know you are a skeptic.  But I think that if you will look at this one twitter account you will see its potential.  So I beg of you, take five seconds and take a quick look at this twitter account.

Thank you, Twitter Skeptic.  Now that you life has been changed forever by the beautiful Twitter sentiments on that page, I think we can both agree now that Twitter is full of wonderful things and must be embraced fully.

Sincerely,

Matt Mikalatos

Wonderful Wednesday: Plaid

This guy made a plaid book when he was given the assignment to come up with the moment that he first "chose creativity."

How about you? When did you first choose to be creative?

Three attributes of leaders who are worthy of respect

Tomorrow morning is the first regular meeting of my team... we meet once a week for three hours to cover the most important issues facing us at the time. I'll be leading our devotional time tomorrow, and I'm going to walk us through three attributes that the apostle Paul said made a leader worthy of respect. This is all taken from First Thessalonians 5:12-15.

One, they work hard. The word used for “work” here means work which is both difficult and exhausting. A good leader works hard, and as a result they deserve our respect.

Two, our leaders should care for us. The word used here is proistemi which has a semantic range which can include being over someone or can mean to care for someone. There is some debate on which meaning is intended here (some saying we respect them because of their position, some saying we respect them because of their care for us), but it seems to me that the author (indeed, perhaps the Greek language) is making the assumption that to be over someone includes the prerequisite in the job description that you care for that person as well. This would fit easily with Paul’s statement in 1 Thessalonians 2:11 that he cared for the Thessalonians, “like a father with his children.” It’s simply a natural expectation that those who lead are not only organizationally above those they lead, but also that they will care for those who are their responsibility.

Three, our leaders admonish us. Since no one even knows what admonish means in English, let alone Greek, I’ll tell you that the word admonish (noutheteo) can mean to instruct or to rebuke for wrongdoing, or to warn someone about the consequences of their actions. Here it most likely refers to general teaching, but a few verses later (v. 15) it clearly refers to rebuking someone for wrongdoing (“admonish the idle”).

So, three reasons to respect our leaders.

Or, if you’re a leader, three standards to compare yourself to: Do I work hard? Do I care for those under my authority? Do I instruct those under my authority?

What do you think? Who is a good leader from your life history who led in these three ways? Do you have negative examples where leaders didn’t do one or more of these things in their leadership?

Into the (Scary) Land of the Unicorns

I noticed the other day that Z had just finished reading a book called Into The Land Of The Unicorns . The girl reads so much that it's hard to keep tabs on what she's reading or even where all these books come from. I decided I would read it, just to have an idea if the books she's reading are appropriate for her age.

I read the first couple of chapters, which were pretty intense, and then we talked about them:

Me: Your book is a little bit scary.

Z: It's not scary! It's exciting. You know nothing is going to hurt Cara because she's the main character.

(Pause)

Z: Do you want me to tell you what happens so you're not scared?

Imaginary Jesus now available for pre-order at CBD!

Well, CBD wins the race. To be fair, I didn't contact all the bookstores to let them know there would be a race. But if you're so fast that you win a race before other people know a race is happening, well, it's not your fault that God made you fast.

All that to say: BEHOLD! Imaginary Jesus available for pre-order at CBD!

My Last Seminary Class

I'm signed up for two classes this semester, still need to finish my summer course and then have one unit more to accomplish. So, I'm planning to do a unit of individualized study... basically a self-study course with a professor watching over you to make sure you learn something. Here's the syllabus I've submitted to the school:

Faith and Fiction

COURSE DESCRIPTION
“Story” is increasingly en vogue among evangelicals today. Books like Brian McClaren’s “New Kind of Christian” trilogy uses a narrative framework as a vehicle for presenting theology, and even Gordon McDonald adopted this in last year’s “Who Stole My Church?” Don Miller’s newest book is about using the framework of Story for discovering purpose in our lives. Even non-Christians are presenting theology using narrative, as is evidenced in books like “The Da Vinci Code.” This self-directed study course is designed to explore the advantages and disadvantages of conveying theology through fiction and story, looking not only at Biblical examples but also at the best (and worst) examples from our history and today. What are the appropriate boundaries between faith and fiction? If there are advantages to using fiction to convey theology, what are they? How can we do this well? How can we make sure that the message of Christ is getting to as many people as possible using this method?

COURSE OBJECTIVES.
Upon completion of this course you should be able to:
1. Communicate intelligently about the use of fiction in scripture
2. Have a basic awareness of the history of using fiction as a vehicle for Christian theology
3. Develop basic guidelines for using fiction well to communicate theological truth
4. Develop a list of exemplary Christian writings of and about fiction that could be given to others

COURSE TEXTS (at least 35 hours of reading selected from the following texts)

1. O'Connor, Flannery, Mystery and Manners.
2. Beuchner, Frederich, A Clown in the Belfry.
3. C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man and That Hideous Strength (these two books address the same theological concerns… the first is an essay, the second a novel)
4. McKee, Robert. Story.
5. Miller, Don. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.
6. Bunyan, John. Pilgrim's Progress.
7. Berry, Wendell. Jayber Crow.
8. Doestoevsky, Feodor. The Brothers Karamazov.
9. Scripture texts: Ruth, Esther, Jonah, Ecclesiastes (?), the parables of Jesus
10. C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce
11. Hemingway, Ernest, The Old Man and the Sea.

ASSESSMENT
The student will keep a course diary to show how the 45 hours allotted to the course are spent."
The student will write a paper at the end of this course summarizing his findings and what he has learned.

I'm looking forward to this course. Like I told Krista, I tend to work harder on courses completely within my areas of interest... I'm likely to put in a lot more work for this one unit than is necessary or even wise.

Anyway, I still need to get approval from a few people at the school, but this is what I'm shooting for!

Book Berzerker presents Richard Stark's Parker: The Hunter

When I got home from class yesterday I was excited to see that my copy of Parker: The Hunter had finally arrived.

Adapted from Richard Stark's novel of the same name, Hunter is the story of a criminal named Parker who is double crossed by his wife and partner and left for dead. But he's not dead, and he shows up with a cold, calculating plan for revenge. Parker is played out with almost machine-like implacability, but that's just a mask for the raging emotions underneath.

This book (Darwyn Cooke's doing) has some of the most gorgeous sequential art I've seen in a long time. It's well worth your time to click through the link above and click "search inside this book" to see a few pages. The whole thing is done in black and white with blue shading. I'm about halfway through the book right now and if you're a fan of Chandler, Connelly or crime fiction in general, this is a book you're going to want to pick up.

Sermon on the Mount class with Bill Mounce this week

I'm taking a class at Western Seminary this week... a three day look at Jesus' sermon on the mount by Bill Mounce. If you're interested in seeing the sort of thing we'll be discussing, my professor has free podcasts of the two year series he preached on the sermon on the mount online. That's right, two years. I know. Read it again. Two years. He will have to talk fast to fit it all into 2.5 days.

I'm looking forward to this class. We're going to take a pretty deep look at this key sermon of Christ. I'll try to give you some worthwhile tidbits from the class later this week. In the meantime, if the internet causes you to sin, cut it off. It's better to enter Heaven without wireless than keep it and go to Hell. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Now it's time to play our game

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Did you guess which thing was not like the others?
Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong?
If you guessed this one is not like the others,
Then you're absolutely...right!








A: It's me, Matt Mikalatos.

James Joyce reviews the Brothers Karamazov

I was on Amazon looking at The Brothers Karamazov. I have been debating reading it because I feel like an uncultured Philistine for not having read it yet. Anyway, this review by Irish author James Joyce (1882-1941) caught my eye:

"[Leo] Tolstoy admired him but he thought that he had little artistic
accomplishment or mind. Yet, as he said, 'he admired his heart', a criticism
which contains a great deal of truth, for though his characters do act
extravagantly, madly, almost, still their basis is firm enough underneath... The
Brothers Karamazov... made a deep impression on me... he created some
unforgettable scenes [detail]... Madness you may call it, but therein may be the
secret of his genius... I prefer the word exaltation, exaltation which can merge
into madness, perhaps. In fact all great men have had that vein in them; it was
the source of their greatness; the reasonable man achieves nothing." -- James
Joyce

Then I saw this:

"This text refers to the Kindle Edition of this book."

WHAT? HOW DID THEY GET JAMES JOYCE A KINDLE EDITION OF THIS BOOK TO REVIEW? That's amazing. He's been dead for almost 70 years and now he's reviewing books on his Kindle. Neat. Maybe he'll give an endorsement for my book! I'll have to ask Amazon about that....

Darth Vader in Love

I debated putting this up a few months ago. My friend Alan sent it to me again this week and I still thought it was funny. So, here you go: Darth Vader in love.

Philosophy Talk: Literature and Philosophy

As I was on my way to the grocery store last night I heard part of a radio show called "Philosophy Talk" which was discussing the relationship between Literature and Philosophy. It was a great discussion, but I didn't get to hear it all because I had to take a break and actually buy groceries in the middle.

It was a helpful show, though, as I've been thinking through how best to explain my book, which is both fiction and theology. I'm planning to listen to the rest of the show later. Here's a link if you want to hear it: http://www.philosophytalk.org/pastShows/PhilosophyandLiterature.htm

Daddy's Little Girl

It seems that Baby M's Mikalatos genes are already kicking in. I was teasing her about not being able to walk yet at 2 weeks old and she gave me this look.

The Age of Dragonflies

Riding in the car a few days ago, my daughter A was reading about dragonflies. Then she piped up with this:

A: Dad! This says that dragonflies first came on the Earth 300 million years ago.

Me: Oh yeah?

A: But I don't think that's right!

Me: Why not?

A: Because God made dragonflies. And he's been around a lot longer than 300 million years!

Return of the Mormons

My neighbor across the street, Derek, was standing out on his porch talking to the new Mormon missionaries assigned to our neighborhood. After a while I decided to wander over and say hello. I learned a few things (like when you're excommunicated from the LDS church you can still go to services but you're not allowed to pay tithes... weird). I asked about the second heaven that's so great that if we could see it now we'd kill ourselves to go there... and so long as you've been a good person that's where you get to go. One of the guys said, "Well, that's not really true, that rumor gets around but that's not really true." I told him that the person who told me that was the last missionary assigned to the neighborhood and he said, "Well, it's true but widely misunderstood." Oh.

The most special moment was as everyone was getting ready to leave Derek said, "Matt's an author." And then a minute later he said, "Tell them the name of your book, Matt."

Me: "Imaginary Jesus."

And then there was a long, awkward pause. Then I explained that it wasn't a book against Jesus.

Mormons: You should come to our church for services sometime.

News from My Neighborhood: The Jehovah Witnesses are Here

This morning I went out to my car to get something (okay, okay, my kids left their hairbrush in the car and couldn't find it themselves). As I bent over, rummaging through the detritus of accumulated child life in the back seat, a strange male voice floated over to me and said good morning.

I stood up and saw a man who had apparently just arrived from attending church in the 1950s. Next to him was a lady wearing a lovely floral dress to compliment his suit. He began, as I recall, by asking me if I had my Saturday chores all planned out. I told him we had a new baby and therefore wouldn't be doing chores. We exchanged baby related pleasantries.

I turned back to the car and bid them a good morning, and the man called for my attention once more so that he could show me a copy of the Watchtower, which would guide me through my confusion about the Bible by giving me a reading plan. Then he showed me how you could cut it out along the dotted lines. I liked how he assumed that I both wanted to read the Bible and also that I found it intimidating and difficult.

I told him that I didn't need his magazine, but thanks. He asked, "Are you a Bible reader yourself?" I told him yes. He asked if I had a special Bible verse for being a father. I wasn't sure what he meant. He said a special verse I went to as a father. I scratched my head and told him that so far as I knew they were all equally special and I hadn't really singled any out for special duty to me as a father. He quickly agreed and said good-bye.

I went out a minute later and they had moved on to our Russian neighbors, who never get up that early in the morning. At this time of the morning the father usually answers the door in his shorts. Then they went to the next neighbor down. He's deaf, and they seemed discouraged when no one answered. They got in their car (which, strangely, had two more JWs inside) and left the neighborhood.

I was a little disappointed that I didn't have the energy to engage in a lively conversation with them. Oh well. I'm sure they'll be back.

The Sassifier

We're learning a lot of new lessons with the a baby in the house for the first time in six years. Baby M took a pacifier for the first time yesterday... Z never took one at all, so I was glad to see that she might take one. When A saw her take it she said, "Hey! I thought you said that M didn't like sassifiers!"

And suddenly it all made sense. My kids never took pacifiers, which would have, one assumes, pacified them. No. They were using sassifiers. Which is why they are so sassy.

Now Krista and I know what to do when the kids are getting a little edgy with us. Confiscate the sassifiers.

Wonderful Wednesday: Powerbocking

Powerbocking is essentially jumping stilts. The guy who invented them had been studying kangaroo biology.

Here's what I made for dinner tonight

This salmon with fresh green beans from our garden, yellow peppers and dill pistou. Made some wild rice to go along with it. Then we went to Burgerville and had some fresh blackberry milkshakes for dessert.

All the adults present seemed to like the meal. Z refused to eat and went to bed hungry. A said she wanted this meal every night, but without the green beans.

An open letter to whomever designs my infant's clothing

Dear Designer:

I realized as I was changing my daughter's clothes this morning at 2 am that you probably don't remember or haven't experienced some of what I am about to describe.

Imagine for a moment that you are suffering from sleep deprivation. Not, I went to a party and stayed out late laughing with my friends sleep deprivation, but I woke to a hungry mouth calling from somewhere in my house (just like an hour ago) and this is going to keep happening for several days in a row sort of sleep deprivation.

Now imagine that as a result your manual dexterity has declined and that you have to be careful when, for instance, picking up a pillow that you don't somehow break it or rip it into shreds because your hands seem to ignore your brain's directions.

And speaking of brains, let's imagine that your mental acuity has suffered as well and you find yourself saying things like "I'm glad it's April finally" and just assuming that everyone will figure out that you meant "That other month that starts with an A". Pretend that it takes you upwards of two hours to even realize that you said April instead of the word you meant, and the only way you figure it out at all is because someone at the time decided to mess with you and said, "Yup, can't wait for Easter."

Now imagine that it's two in the morning and your kid has just emitted some sort of fluid onto her clothing and needs to change again, for the sixth time this day, and that as you try to get her little pajamas on you realize that this outfit like too many others has SNAPS! NOOOOOOO! WHy not a zipper? WHy seventeen snaps? And why is it that no matter how carefully you try to make sure that you get them all snapped, at the end of the pajama you're one snap off and are left a strange wrinkle mocking you and saying that you somehow missed the other piece? How many minutes have I spent staring at the pajamas and telling my brain you can do this, you can figure this out?

Of course, the sheer waste of time involved in me staring at the pajamas as if it were the Sunday New York Times Crossword puzzle is counter-balanced by the enormous amount of time I am awake in the day. So I guess we have that going for us.

But in conclusion, I would like to encourage you to contact your R and D department and suggest that they put a lot of work into designing some sort of clothing that would actually crawl onto children on command.

Sincerely,

Matt

In the House of God Forever

As I drove across the vast, nearly endless plains states on my way home from Colorado, a bank of dark clouds stretched away to my south, like a dark companion without beginning or end. A hole formed in the underside of the cloud at an angle that allowed me to see through it and up to the clear blue sky above. And I could see through that brief window that above the clouds there was the bright arc of a rainbow.

The stereo hummed along and soft voices began to sing wordlessly in gentle harmony, giving the whole scene a soundtrack that underscored its unique beauty. The thoughts of a covenant sign hidden by darkness but revealed as a promise of safety came to me, and then the voices that filled the car sang these words:

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting.
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quiet streams.

Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'cause you are with me
You are with me.

Your shepherd staff
Comforts me.
You are my feast
In the presence of enemies
Surely goodness
Will follow me
Follow me
In the house of God
Forever.