Friday, May 12, 2006

Pants On Fire: A Memoir

At Powell's tonight I saw several memoirs staring out at me and promising to tell me stories of amazing lives that would illuminate and better my own. And I thought about James Frey's controversially embellished life and all the silly uproar about it and I just wanted to let you know: Every memoir ever written is a big, fat lie.

But I also wanted to tell you that my forthcoming memoir "Pants On Fire" will be--unlike everyone else's--completely true. I will astound you with the true story of the hanglider crash in California that almost had nothing to do with me, the time that I was nearly conned by a cross-dressing con artist name Birdy Hoaks, about getting punched in the head by a deranged lunatic or something somewhat like that, about falling in love at last, about having two great kids, and of course a few stories about various animals and cars and, um, spaceships. Pirates. A unicorn. Nothing very exciting, I've led a life much like your own. Oh, vampires, don't forget the vampires.

Anyway. Be watching for it in stores everywhere, someday. It is going to be so amazing I wouldn't be surprised if they sold it at grocery stores and gas stations. Get ready for it!


  1. Anonymous4:05 AM

    But will it include the famous "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" motorcycle wheelie story? Who needs to make stories up with material like that!

  2. Hey Matt!

    Of course it will have to include that story. It will be in the sixth chapter, "Hitchikers and Other Strangers I Have Loved".

  3. I was a little unsure about reading your book, Matt. That is until I saw the word "pirates." Please do let me know once it is published, I can guarantee at least one purchase, perhaps more.

  4. John-- the pirates will be in chapter seventeen, "Landlubbers and the Lands that Lub Them".

  5. Ahhh, I can't wait! The wheelie story is one of my favorites of all time. Ahh, pirates, the lubbing and loving of strangers and strange lands, and close encounters of the unusual kind... Good times, I am sure, will be had by all readers.

  6. In fact an alternate title for the book was "And A Good Time Was Had By All Readers: A Memoir" but the editors felt that the confusion of tenses (a memoir being necessarily past tense, while the readers' good time lay in the future for them if they had not read the book) took away from the inherent pleasure of the book itself. The editors felt that "Pants On Fire" gave a more realistic picture of the book's content as well as implying that someone, somewhere was having a good time, as pants on fire are generally somewhat humorous.