At Powell's tonight I saw several memoirs staring out at me and promising to tell me stories of amazing lives that would illuminate and better my own. And I thought about James Frey's controversially embellished life and all the silly uproar about it and I just wanted to let you know: Every memoir ever written is a big, fat lie.
But I also wanted to tell you that my forthcoming memoir "Pants On Fire" will be--unlike everyone else's--completely true. I will astound you with the true story of the hanglider crash in California that almost had nothing to do with me, the time that I was nearly conned by a cross-dressing con artist name Birdy Hoaks, about getting punched in the head by a deranged lunatic or something somewhat like that, about falling in love at last, about having two great kids, and of course a few stories about various animals and cars and, um, spaceships. Pirates. A unicorn. Nothing very exciting, I've led a life much like your own. Oh, vampires, don't forget the vampires.
Anyway. Be watching for it in stores everywhere, someday. It is going to be so amazing I wouldn't be surprised if they sold it at grocery stores and gas stations. Get ready for it!