Today, I'm walking along behind this guy in the parking lot, maybe five steps behind him. He stops two cars away from mine, pulls out an enormous wad of cash and slaps it in the hand of a man standing by the car. The second man pulls out a plastic baggie and hands it to the first man.
At this point I swing into action, karate chopping the first guy in the back of the neck. The second guy reaches into his jacket (it was a red Cubs parka for some reason... go figure) for a gun or maybe just to grab his heart because he is so scared but before he reached his pistol (or his heart, whatever) I drove my fist into his nose and my knee into his chest. Three guys jump out of the car, but by then I find a loose bike chain on the ground. They try to run, but it is too late for them. I pile all their bodies up, stand on the top and let loose with a thundering war cry that brings the police skidding into the parking lot. They want to talk to me, but I disappear as mysteriously as I arrived.
Well. Okay, the first paragraph is true. The second one is slightly embellished. I actually walked nonchalantly past the car, quickly memorized the license plate and the model of the car and called 911. They said they would get right on it as soon as an officer was available. So I am sure that Justice has been served. TAKE THAT EVIL-DOERS! They should know better than to tempt me to action. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh MATT MAN!
QUICK! LIGHT THE MATT SIGNAL! (The police commissioner here often says this.)