Monday, October 27, 2008

Revolutionary Advice with Matt

Q: Dear Matt,

We're hosting Thanksgiving at our home this year and many of our relatives are coming from out of town. Would it be okay for us to ask some of them to stay at a hotel? It would be really inconvenient for them to stay with us.

A:
Dear Anonymous Person Who Would Like Some Advice,

Of course that would be fine! I mean, it's your house, right? It's not like your great-grandfather died and left it to you in his will or something, making it a sort of family heirloom which means that you have to invite everyone over.

I know that my wife and I hate the inconvenience of family coming for special events. For instance, last Thanksgiving our whole extended family came, which meant that we had to empty out the weight room and put an inflatable bed in there. Also, we had to evict our two Guard Rottweilers, Cerberus and Cujo, and make them live outside. OUTSIDE! Believe me, that is no place for a dog. When Uncle Fred and Aunt Molly showed up we had already filled the library, the guest room, the weight room, the dog's room, the maid's room, the sewing room and the wine cellar. We had to inflate another queen size bed and launch it onto the indoor swimming pool. I told my wife, "If one more person shows up I swear that I am going to make them sleep out in the guest house!" The guest house is really inconvenient because it's out the back yard, through the garden, through the hedge maze, past the grotto, past the giant chess set, around the exact replica of the Master of the Nets Chinese Garden, past the Laser Tag field (left over from the 80's... we mostly use it for paint ball now), over the canal and just beyond the wood. It's only four thousand square feet, too. Practically rustic. And of course, Cerberus and Cujo were out there, and they were mad. Anyone sleeping at the guest house would have had to carry a sack of bacon to keep the dogs off long enough to make it to the house.

So. The answer is, no. Or something. I can't remember the question, hold on let me scroll up. Just a sec. Oh. Yeah. The answer is... "Yes." That would be fine to have your family stay in a hotel. Because it's inconvenient to host them in your home on Thanksgiving. Families are about convenience, not duty. In fact, don't even have them over to dinner. Make sure there's a Denny's in the parking lot of their motel and tell them that you're going to meet them there but then stay home and eat your turkey alone. That should be more convenient, too!

UPDATE: As it turns out, Anonymous Person Who Would Like Some Advice's house was left to him by his great-grandfather as a sort of family heirloom. So he invited his family to stay in the house after all.