J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis and my childhood, and how they conspired to help me write The Sword of Six Worlds

When I was seven years old, our family went to a friend's house for dinner. Sometime along the way I must have complained of being bored or been harassing the adults, because someone pushed a strange looking book in my hand and said, "Go read this in the other room."

I started reading that night, and I remember thinking that this, too, was boring, as a fat little creature called a hobbit lived life in a town full of fat little creatures. Things didn't perk up much when the wizard or the dwarves arrived, as mostly there was singing (with lyrics) and discussions of food and then the fat little hobbit grumpily doing dishes. Then, suddenly, things started to happen in the book. Strange, wonderful, adventurous things unlike anything I'd read before in my life.

By the time we left for home, I begged to take the book with me. To my surprise, my dad said we had a copy already at our house. I was shocked. We had a copy of this strange and wonderful thing at our house already? Not only that, but my dad told me there were more books... that it was a series. I couldn't believe it.

Pretty soon I was reading books that looked like this, shoving them into my desk and destroying the covers:

These books were simultaneously more exciting than the Hobbit and full of far more boring asides. But I found I could skip the boring parts easily by turning the page if I saw a poem.

I hit the end of The Return of the King and couldn't believe that was it. I cornered my parents and said, "There has to be more. Are there other books like this?"

Lo and behold, my parents had SEVEN more books to show me, sitting on a shelf in our living room and this was the first one they unveiled:

These were written, it turns out, far closer to my reading level at the time, and not only that, but the main characters were human kids JUST LIKE ME (only British) instead of fat little hobbit creatures. I loved them, and I gladly read every book in the series without stopping for a break.

In the years that followed, I re-read those books a lot of times. In fact, when I left for college I took all my dad's copies of these books with me. When my kids were born I tried to introduce them to the stories too early. I told them a version of Lord of the Rings at bedtime when my oldest was four, and tried to read through the Narnia books with them soon afterward and they weren't all that interested.

I was, of course, disappointed, when my kids didn't "get it." I also tried to show them the Star Wars movies at which point my youngest started laughing that there was a "dog named Chewbacca" in the movie. Sigh.

I didn't give up, of course. Eventually, I started telling the kids a fantasy story of my own design, with a character "just like them" as the main character: a young girl who always tried to do the right thing, who had parents who loved her, who got invited somehow to save the world from evil by following strange guides into a fantasy world.

That became, in time, the story of Validus Smith, the paladin, the protector of six fantasy worlds. It's a sort of love letter from me to Tolkien and Lewis. It's not the same as their books, of course, but it comes from the same place: a child-like love of wonder, and of the world around us as well as the things that we never see but suspect must be there (whether that's elves or quarks or talking tigers). My hope is one day there will be kids who read the book, grow up, write their own books and say, This one time I was at our family friend's house, and I was bored, and he gave me this book with a cover that looked like this:

And I finished it and said, "There have to be more books like this." And my parents introduced me to Tolkien and Lewis and T.H. White and a hundred other wonderful authors.

Tolkien Week: All the Villains Get a Second Chance

In celebration of Tolkien Week and the release of The Sword of Six Worlds, I'm hosting guest posts about J.R.R. Tolkien all week. Today's fascinating post comes from M.K. Hutchins. Her short fiction has appeared in IGMS and Daily Science Fiction.  Her longer work is represented by the Ashley Grayson Literary Agency.  She studied archaeology at BYU, giving her the opportunity to compile ancient Maya genealogies, excavate in Belize, and work as a faunal analyst.  She lives in Idaho with her husband and their two small children.  She blogs about books, board games, writing, and fiction-inspired recipes at www.mkhutchins.com.

All the Villains Get a Second Chance

M.K. Hutchins

"Deserves death!  I daresay he does.  Many that live deserve death.  And some die that deserve life.  Can you give that to them?  Then be not too eager to deal out death in the name of justice, fearing for your own safety.  Even the wise cannot see all ends."

--The Lord of the Rings, Book Four, Chapter One

Tolkien's actual life was not as peaceful as Hobbiton.  His sickly constitution prompted his mother to take him to England, out of the heat of South Africa.  Rheumatic fever killed his father before he could join them.

Tolkien's widowed mother was made poorer still when she joined the Catholic church: her relatives cut off financial aide in protest.  She died from diabetes when Tolkien was twelve years old.

Edit Bratt, at about age 19.

The home Tolkien's guardian placed him in contained another orphaned tenant, Edith Bratt.  Tolkien fell in love.  But he was supposed to be studying, not going for "cycle-rides" and having window talks¹.  His only chance at an education was a scholarship, after all.  His guardian removed Tolkien from the residence and banned him from meeting Edith.*

Firsthand, Tolkien experienced the grimy trenches of WWI, arguably one of the most horrific wars in history.  Two of his three closest friends died.

Tolkien's life seems like a recipe for grim, disillusioned stories, yet his work is optimistic.  Good triumphs over evil.  Humble hobbits can overthrow dark Lords.  But nowhere do I find the optimism more poignant than in the villains.  All of them, it seems, are granted a second chance.

Morgoth: This is Sauron's master.  Before the Sun and Moon even existed, he was torturing elves.  Wars against him destroy continents.  The Valar imprisoned him for three ages, then gave him a second chance.  He used his freedom to steal the titular Silmarils and wreak havoc.

Sauron: After Melkor was thrown down a second time, Sauron declared, honestly, that he'd do no more evil.  But, "he was unwilling to return in humiliation and to receive from the Valar a sentence, it might be, of long servitude in proof of his good faith; for under Morgoth his power had been great.  Therefore...he hid himself in Middle-earth; and he fell back into evil"².  Sauron had a chance to change -- and almost did.

Saruman & Wormtounge: Sauruman, the greatest of the wizards, betrayed his responsibility.  Wormtounge was detestable to begin with.  When Frodo meets Saruman in the Shire, delighting in the ill he's caused, Frodo has no hate for him.  He says, simply, "Well, if that is what you find pleasure in, I pity you."

Frodo commands the bloodthirsty hobbits to let them go.  Frodo even offers Wormtongue food and rest in Hobbiton.  This doesn't soften Saruman, but leaves him furious: "You are wise, and cruel.  You have robbed my revenge of sweetness, and now I must go hence in bitterness, in debt to your mercy.  I hate it and you!"³

Gollum: Gandalf could have killed Gollum before The Lord of the Rings takes off.  Gollum flirts with change, but he never takes the reverse of Boromir's story and becomes a hero.  But allowing him a chance to change translates directly to (*spoilers!*) the destruction of the One Ring.

The above listed villains never change, but they're given a chance anyway.  Mercy and kindness triumph over evil -- on both the personal and epic scale -- even when evil refuses to change.

The Lord of the Rings never sinks to easy victory or saccharine endings (note the Scouring of the Shire), but hope breathes from the pages -- hope for a victory over tyranny and evil, hope for good changes in ourselves and others.  That optimism, against a backdrop of suffocating odds and bitter-sweet victories, is part of the reason I love Tolkien's work.  I can't help but think that Tolkien's early life gave him much practicing in hoping and struggling against seemingly insurmountable tragedies.

1. J.R.R. Tolkien: A Biography by Humphrey Carpenter.  Houghton Mifflin Company, 1977. Ch 3, p 48.

2. The Silmarillion, Second Edition, by J.R.R. Tolkien. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2001.  Of the Rings of Power and the Third Age (page 285, in my edition)

3. Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien.  Book 6, Chapter 8.

*This story ends well, but talking about Edith, who "was(and knew she was) [Tolkien's] Luthien" would require another post entirely. 

Gangnam Style

A few weeks ago I came across this video from South Korean singer Psy, and I've watched it many times since then. It's pretty much the Platonic Ideal of Music Videos. A catchy song. A unique dance. Baby-faced, slightly pudgy singers somehow attracting every woman they come across. Humor. So, if you're offended by "sexy ladies" or people dancing like horses, this is probably not the video for you.

Otherwise, prepare yourself for GANGNAM STYLE!



On a side note, Krista and I went to the UC Berkeley fall retreat this weekend, where I was the Bible teacher and Krista did a talk for the women. We had a really great time, and met some really cool students and staff with Cru. I am not exaggerating when I say every student there knew this song. The dance happened more than once on stage. If you have college students, you should be aware of this song so you can be hip. I'd suggest that next time your college kid comes home, you start doing the dance and then shout OPA GANGNAM STYLE. Your child will not be embarrassed at all.

Tolkien Week: J.R.R. Tolkien, the Inklings, and Writing Groups

In honor of Tolkien Week and in celebration of my new book, the Sword of Six Worlds, we're having guest posts about Tolkien all this week. Today's post comes from Cat Rambo, a science fiction and fantasy writer and editor who lives in the Pacific Northwest. She was co-editor of Fantasy Magazine from 2007-2011, which earned her a 2012 World Fantasy Special Award: Non-Professional nomination. Her latest book, which just released this week, is Near + Far, a double collection of science fiction and fantasy stories. It also has two covers, which I think is really cool. She has some thoughts to share about J.R.R. Tolkien and how he introduced her to the idea of literary societies and writing groups. 

Every four or five years I go back to the Lord of the Rings and go all the way through, from the first pages of the Hobbit through Sam's final return to the Shire. I first read the book in the second grade, when my babysitter Bernie started reading the Hobbit to me and I got interested enough to start sneaking chapters on the side. I read it for a theology class at St. Joe High School and again while at Notre Dame. I read it in grad school as an antidote to Derrida and Lacan and Slavoj Zizek. I read it when I started trying to write my own fantasy novel, in order to figure out what worked.

But to me, the book never stands alone. In the background stand the rest of the Inklings, the Thursday evening literary society Tolkein was part of, a group which included C.S. Lewis and Charles Williams, and which was sometimes visited by the likes of Enid Blyton and E.R. Eddison. When I came across Humphrey Carpenter's biography of Tolkein, the idea that so many of the Inklings' books were in conversation with each other was a fascinating one, and it's one that's made me feel freer about entering into the great conversation of novels, a slow and long-lasting discussion that is still only getting started. 

It's one of the reasons I love the writing group I work with, Horrific Miscue, because I'll see an idea from one story bounce into another, even while we're all drawing fast and furiously from the other works we've read. To me, Middle Earth, as well as Narnia and Perelandra and sundry other fantasy realms, are all richer for the glimpses into their mundane backgrounds and the themes those writers, as well as anyone writing today, continue to explore.

This week is Tolkien Week!

Tolkien Week, for those of you who are not in the know, is an annual celebration of the works of J.R.R. Tolkien. Each year it falls on the week in which Frodo and Bilbo Baggins have their birthday (September 22nd). September 22nd is also known as "Hobbit Day."

During this year's Tolkien Week we have a Long Awaited Celebration to enjoy, as well, because on the 18th my first fantasy novel, The Sword of Six Worlds, will finally arrive!

In honor of Tolkien Week and in celebration of The Sword of Six Worlds, I've asked a collection of authors, writers and fans to write some guest posts about Tolkien and his work. We have posts about the Inklings, about Tolkien's moral system, posts talking about how Frodo's journey matches up with Campbell's Hero's Journey model, posts comparing Gothic literature with Tolkien's and a variety of other things. It's going to be a great week, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts about Tolkien as well!

It will sort of be like this picture above, but once a day instead of once a month, and with fewer cheesecake photos of the author. So, be sure to drop in every day and check it out! And tell your geeky LOTR friends.

Spider-Man harasses the people of Poland

When J. Jonah Jameson sees this, he's going to have a field day.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Sixty-Two: Nature Runs Wild!)

Dedicated to the old Asian men riding their bikes down the bike path, who had stopped for a moment to rest beside the creek.

Man #1: Look at those dragonflies. The dragonflies are mating!

 Man #2: Yes.

 Man #3: They are cop-u-LATE-ing.

More Eavesdropping with Matt.

The Dark Knight learns ... the power of friendship

Aww, poor Batman. I will play volleyball with you.

How about you? Are you a brooding masked crusader or a team-playing communal "super friend"?

Eight Bible Characters to Have on your Zombie Survival Crew

Today we have a guest post from my friend Clay Morgan, author of Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn. Clay's book RELEASES TODAY. You should go buy it! Clay's contact info and website are listed at the bottom of the post. Before you get started on this fun post, in which Clay shares which Biblical characters he'd like to have on his side during a zombie apocalypse, you should probably see this picture, which gives you some insight into Clay's fun-loving nature:

A zombie, restrained by Jesus, chases Clay
while Abraham Lincoln watches nearby.

Alright, let's see who Clay picks for his anti-zombie Bible team!

8 Bible Characters To Have On Your Zombie Survival Crew

It's the obvious question that apparently no one is asking. If you were alive during the time of the Old and/or New Testament and faced an uprising of the undead who would you want on your zombie survival crew. It's high time we figure this one out. FOR HUMANITY'S SAKE.

Now I hear some objections rising to the surface like the living dead from their graves, so let me address those concerns here and now.

Objection #1—This is stupid.

·     

      Response: "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God."

Objection #1a—What does that have to do with zombies that aren't real from 2,000 years ago?!

·        

            Response: Okay, the truth is that my new book Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn just came out and I wanted to write a post for Matt that combines zombies and my faith in a nonfiction way just like Undead does.

Objection #2—I wouldn't need a team because I would pick Jesus who just wins.

·     

      Response: Ah, thought you might go there. I'm invoking Genie from Aladdin rules though. You know, kind of like no wishing for more wishes but instead you can't take the Almighty or anyone else based on potential miraculous capabilities.

So as you can see there is simply no reasonable objection to be made here. Let's move on.

With so much talk about zombie preparedness, I'm surprised more people don't plan on tossing a Bible in their apocalypse go bag. You'll at least want one to get the skinny on the Old & New Testament all-stars that I would take into battle against the undead any day.   

So here it is, a zombie survival crew of biblical proportions

1

      Moses—Obvious choice. He's a natural leader and isn't afraid to bludgeon evil people. And he did all that work in homemade sandals. I can't even imagine what would happen if the leader of the Exodus got hold of some Nike shoes. 

2

       Lazarus—I'm referring to post-brought back from the dead Lazarus. First of all, if anybody can get inside the head of dead people it's Laz. Secondly, he's probably a pretty fearless dude since he's already been dead once and all.

3

      Jael—You may not remember this woman from Judges 4, but if they had made movies during Old Testament times then Jael would've played Sarah Connor in the Terminator films. When she found a villain named Sisera hiding in her tent she put him to sleep twice—once for a nap and once for good. Know how she killed him? By driving a nail through his head and pegging him to the ground. I need a woman like this if zombies come.

      Samson—ALL DAY. Have you seen this guy's fighting résumé? The guy ripped a lion apart with his bare hands and killed 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. What?! He was the Chuck Norris of ancient Hebrews.

      Luke—We're gonna need a doctor. Plus I just really like Luke.

6

      Peter—Always bold and ready to go. Hopefully I don't have too many leaders or "cooks in the kitchen" as they say. Speaking of cooks, Peter's fisherman abilities would make for some good eating in a post-fast food world.

7

      David—You HAVE to have David. He's tough and brave and knows how to fight hordes of enemies. I should point out the potential for jealousy here because if any lady survivors do end up under our protection I'm guessing that they'll flirt with David instead of me, but I'm willing to deal with that as long as he brings his "A" game.

      Jonah—Let me preface this by saying that I love the story of Jonah and can unfortunately relate to his disobedient, pouting ways. I hope he hangs in there with me, but if we get in a tight spot I'm thinking he'd let me and Jael toss him to the zoms just like he let those sailors toss him overboard. That will buy us some time. He's kind of a fatalist at times anyway and that can bring down overall group morale. And if things do go all bad we can delude ourselves into believing that he could survive in the belly of a zombie since the whole "I got swallowed by a big fish and lived" thing worked out.

What biblical characters would you take on your zombie survival crew?

Clay Morgan is a writer, teacher, and speaker from Pittsburgh, PA who blogs about pop culture, history, and the meaning of life at ClayWrites.com. He is the author of Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn about zombies, God, and what it means to be truly alive.

Religion for Atheists

I have a good number of atheist and/or agnostic friends. This might seem weird for a devout Christian, but honestly, I don't think it should be. In fact, contrary to what you've been told by the media (or even from certain high profile atheists), a lot of atheists and agnostics are deeply spiritual people. This doesn't mean that they believe in God (or even spirits for that matter), and some of them will say straight out that their spiritual experiences are probably biological responses hardwired into them, but regardless, I find it pretty easy to have meaningful, deep conversations about life with my secular friends.

Last night on Krista Tippet's radio show "On Being" she did a really fascinating interview with an atheist philosopher named Alain de Botton. You can listen to the show here. He talks about how he was raised in an atheist home and taught that religion was stupid and silly, but in his 20s he had a "crisis of faithlessness" when he discovered a lot of things about faith that were, in his words, "Rather nice." He went on to explore some different things about faith that he thinks that secular society would be wise to adopt from religion. He also made an interesting point, that as we're working hard to create a secular society in which no religion is being allowed to publicly force its message on others, we're allowing corporations and marketing to fill the spaces we're clearing out which, in his view, is bankrupting us morally. Great insight.

Anyway, I haven't read the book yet, but here's his book, Relgion for Atheists, and here's his website.

What do you think?

Atheists: would you describe yourself as spiritual? What do you think of de Botton's thought that there are things secular society should rip off from religion?

Theists: What do you think? Anything of interest to you from the show? Would you be willing to hang out and talk about an atheist's views on spirituality and religion?

P.S. If you're an atheist/agnostic kid with Christian parents or the Christian parent of an atheist/agnostic kid, send me an email and I'll connect you with a facebook support group that a friend of mine and I have going. Both groups are encouraging, supportive, and focused on helping you process your emotions and live life well with your family. 

Preview the first episode of REVOLUTION right now

I've been waiting for a successor to LOST, and I've been thinking that I'd like to try the new show REVOLUTION, which comes out later this month.

That is, unless you'd like to watch the first episode RIGHT NOW:



I haven't watched it yet. So no spoilers in the comments. But you can tell me if I'm going to like it or not.

Dora the Explorer Live Action Movie

My three-year-old (M) and I were both home sick yesterday with an awful, cringe-inducing head cold. I    felt like someone had nailed me onto the couch, and she could barely lift her head off the floor in front of the television. Which means, of course, that I let her watch television for a decent part of the day.

Yesterday was a "Dora the Explorer" day. It made me think about all the cartoons I watched as a kid, like "He-Man" and "G.I. Joe" and "Transformers" and how eventually I grew up and then Hollywood tried to help me recapture my youth by making live action movies loosely based on my childhood cartoons.

These movies are not always particularly faithful to the source material. It made me wonder... what would a live action DORA THE EXPLORER MOVIE look like?

Now I know:

Guest Post from Alex Hughes, Author of "CLEAN"

Today we have a guest post from my friend Alex Hughes. Alex has written a book called Clean, and one of my favorite supporting characters in that book is a guy named Swartz, who is trying to keep the protagonist "clean"... he's wrestling with an addiction to a particularly nasty drug. Swartz is a straight-shooting, no nonsense old man who isn't intimidated by the protagonist... or the fact that that protagonist is a telepath. Read on for a little bit about the book, and then Alex will share a little about where Swartz came from in real life.

Clean

by

Alex Hughes

Back of the Book:

A RUTHLESS KILLER—
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

I used to work for the Telepath’s Guild before they kicked me out for a drug habit that wasn’t entirely my fault. Now I work for the cops, helping Homicide Detective Isabella Cherabino put killers behind bars.

My ability to get inside the twisted minds of suspects makes me the best interrogator in the department. But the normals keep me on a short leash. When the Tech Wars ripped the world apart, the Guild stepped up to save it. But they had to get scary to do it—real scary.

Now the cops don’t trust the telepaths, the Guild doesn’t trust me, a serial killer is stalking the city—and I’m aching for a fix. But I need to solve this case. Fast. I’ve just had a vision of the future: I’m the next to die.

From Alex:

In Memoriam

Swartz, the character in Clean who guides the hero through recovery into health, had a real-life counterpart. His name was Theo, and he was a friend of my father’s. I say “was” because he passed away last month, after a sudden and devastating diagnosis of cancer. I never got to say goodbye.

Theo was a sponsor at Alcoholics Anonymous for many decades and served as the personal mentor for literally dozens of recovering alcoholics. He was kind enough to sit with me for hours of interviews, telling me of his life and his journey with substance abuse. He held nothing back, and those conversations over coffee and breakfast profoundly touched both me and my work. He even took me to a few AA meetings and introduced me as one of his friends – this despite me being decades his junior and very much outside of his world.

The generosity of spirit that Theo showed me cannot be fully put into words. The trust he showed me – and his support he gave to my work – was something that could not be earned. It was given freely. This incredible man, who guided dozens of men into health and new life, chose to give me a little of his time, and in so doing made me a better person.

To Theo: I will miss you. May God give you the great reward you so richly deserve, and shelter you under the shadow of his wings. 

***

Order Clean today on Amazon. 
Barnes & Noble.   
The Book Depository:  
Or at your local bookstore!

Find Alex on Facebook and Twitter.  

Thanks for sharing about your book, Alex! And people... I read this book, it's great. Go get it!

Top 5 posts for August

August was a full month, and the theme for the favorite posts of August seems to be (with one exception) "Things that made me laugh." 

So, first up is my daughter at the country fair, looking at a disgusting alligator snapping turtle and then making her own devious plans for how she would ensnare human beings if she were a predator which ate upon human flesh. Pray this does not happen. She would be terrifying.

Second, this conversation I overheard in which a guy says he only likes classy strip clubs. Genius.

The third post, bucking the trend, is from August A YEAR AGO. I decided to keep it in the list anyway. It's from day 38 of my 40 day fast. Yes, last summer I went without food for 40 days, and kept a blog about it, because people tend not to talk about this sort of religious exercise, and I thought it might be helpful for those going through a fast or thinking about it. Anyway, here's the post from day 38 (where I talk about what it means when it says in the Bible "After 40 days of fasting, Jesus was hungry") and here's where you can find most of my fasting posts.

Post number four is simply a post designed to create laughter, because it's funny junk I found on the internet.

AND, the last post is one of the ever-popular ONE STAR REVIEWS ON AMAZON, this one about George Orwell's Animal Farm.

So, there you go. All the nonsense of the blog last month boiled down to five posts. Enjoy!

Kids are extremely honest

This is not my daughter's teacher.
But I'm sure this is how she felt.

I took my 3 year old (M) to meet her preschool teacher this week. It was, in her defense, an evening open house and she was tired.

We walked into the classroom and had a nice chat with her teacher. We saw M's cubby. We looked out the window at the playground. We talked about all the fun school would be.

Then M burst into tears and shouted (very clearly), "Daddy! I don't like my teacher!"

Scott Pilgrim/The Matrix mash up

I love Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. I think it was a hilarious, fun, entertaining movie. It can even help redeem the Matrix trilogy!

Wonderful Wednesday: THE INVADER

I thought this was really fun. I spent a lot of hours killing Space Invaders in my youth. Now I feel a little bad about it.

GO SEE THE REST OF THE COMIC HERE.

Not afraid of Monsters

I took my kids to Lava River Cave in Sunriver when we were on vacation. It's pretty amazing. We hiked the whole mile under ground. We had a great time. Even my three-year-old went on the hike, and she did great.

She called it a "Mama Cave" because, you know, babies are small and Mamas are bigger, and it was a Mama cave, not a baby cave.

Also, she kept telling me there were monsters in the cave, and finally I said, I don't see any monsters. She said, "That's because the bats ate them all."

Ha ha ha!

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star Reviews for Orwell's "Animal Farm"

It's time once again for that old favorite, Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon! This week's one star reviews come for George Orwell's Animal Farm. Animal Farm is a satire, a fairy tale, a farce and a fable all rolled into one, and all aimed at criticizing Stalin. It's a classic in every sense of the word, and thus many kids across the Western world have been forced to read it in English class in high school.

It's the story of a farm where the pigs take over, form a philosophy and build a collective among the other animals. Eventually, the power goes to the pigs' heads and they start acting like humans, lording it over the animals and making a farm environment that is much worse than anything the animals experienced under the humans.

BUT, let's be clear, just because a book is a classic doesn't mean it's safe from ONE STAR REVIEWS! Let's take a look now.

Our first review comes from G. Barnes "Geoff" of Pittsburgh, PA. 

Seriously, this book is way too scary! I gave it to my 10-year-old to read and he was scared because of all the totalitarianism LOL! DO NOT READ!

Hey! Don't read this! Totalitarianism is scary. Read something a little less terrifying, like a Stephen King novel.

Let's see if we can get any more insight into this topic by reading a review by a kid:

This book sucks so bad I couldn't even get through it. I quit reading it before chapter three. I would not recommend this book to anyone you will waste your time and in the end or whenever you throw it away you'll be asking yourself who would write a book with talking animals?

Kid. You have clearly not been paying attention during bedtime. There are approximately a billion books with talking animals.

My favorite reviews often come from "A Customer".... Amazon's equivalent of an anonymous reviewer. Let's see what this anonymous reviewer had to say about Animal Farm: 

This is exactly the kind of book our government wants to force people to read, so they hand it to schools, and try to force us to read it. This book was written by a insane man named George Orwell, who hated society, and displayed that by bashing humanity, and making people look like lower lifeforms than animals. To be honest I think this man is crazy and needs to be locked up.

Well, good news A Customer: Orwell is dead. No need to lock him up. Unless you knew he was dead and thought we should still lock him up, in which case, it shouldn't be too hard to find him. Also, I think it's charming that you think that The Government wants you to read a book about the dangers of government run amuck. 

"Orwell" was his pen name. He really is dead.
No conspiracy theories, please.

Speaking of government. I'm pretty sure this book is the fault of the liberals. Let's see what "LDS MARINE" has to say about that. 

Its is so annoying to see liberals writing books in politics, and i dont care who they attack- Liberals hate everybody else. Stupid guy had to express his feelings and whine about Russia. 

I -- I'm not sure what to say. STUPID LIBERALS WHO ARE AGAINST COMMUNISM! Wow. I think that LDS MARINE is giving us a whole new conception of "conservative."

Come on, liberals are people, too, LDS MARINE. And we ALL love Justin Bieber.

http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com

Just once I'd like to see a review by someone who is well reasoned and intelligent. Perhaps this next one, since it's from someone who has the name "Jedi Smart."

Read something happier like, oh I don't know, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It's amd excellent read, and with the Holidays coming up, everyone wants to feel happy.

Oh, never mind. Anyway, it's a bit confusing since Harry Potter got its own share of one star reviews. 

Hey, if we're not going to get intelligent, well-reasoned reviews, let's just bring the crazy. Maybe Cathy Taurine of Illinois can help:

Did Al Gore direct this? I was just you know, curious because the animals are talking and stuff and they even have like, this hierarchy of power and things don't make sense like that. This is an anti goverment film but all I hear is Total arin ism which gets to be useful when instilled in the drinking water of places like Africa. Well we gave them animals to eat and they just turned them loose in fields and never fed them and they died. This book is co-written I think by Gore and Moore, but who knows I mean anymore you cannot figure out who is who, but I am Cathy and I escaped from Taurine and this is my review of Animal Farm. Oh, and even if you give a pig pickles it will still attack you if it is hungry!

Okay, okay, that was a little too far into crazy town, even for me. 

"FOR THE LAST TIME I DID NOT WRITE ANIMAL FARM!"

Let's take a look at a classic one star review, and definitely my favorite one for Animal Farm. This comes from Claude Rutabega.  Let's see what Claude has to say:

Of all the things I have ever read! What a terrible and unrealistic story. I mean, how can animals talk? I have a parrot that talks but not in complete sentences. And besides the pigs run the show in this and if it really happened the cats would run things because everyone knows that cats are born leaders. Anyway, I wouldn't reccomend this book to my worst enemy. I read this book to my nephew, Simon and he started crying and now he is afraid of pigs and horses because he says that they will rise up and establish a totalitarianist state and will rule over us. Ughhhh! It gives me a head ache.

Ha ha ha. Oh, Claude. You have brought us around again to the main point of this post: Children are afraid of totalitarianism. And don't worry. I am almost certain that if pigs were to rise up and take over the world, kitties would be freedom fighters. THEY WOULD FIND A WAY TO SAVE US!

Well, kids, if you're afraid of totalitarianism and it's keeping you up at night, maybe you need some one star reviews to make you laugh and keep you happy. Here are some here:

One star reviews for:

Where the Wild Things Are

Moby Dick

Romeo and Juliet

The works of Flannery O'Connor

The Fellowship of the Ring

East of Eden

OR, just read them all. I'm not insisting you do this, because this isn't a totalitarianism blog. But if it were, and if you disobeyed me, let's just say you'd be getting a ride in the "veterinary hospital" van.

I'm a computer programmer now

Soon I'll be able to do this.

My parents were both computer programmers, and when I was a kid they often would teach me little tricks and try to get me interested in computers. I'm not employable as a programmer or anything like that, but I have some marginal awareness of how things work as a result. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

For instance, I know that the internet is caused by information leaking into a substance called "the ether" and we can use ethernet cables to suck it back into "real space" or "virtual reality." Or something.

Anyway, I was pretty proud of myself this week for doing some minor coding here on the site, where I made drop down menus for purchasing my books. You can see them in the sidebar on the right or by clicking the "Matt's Books" tab on the top of the site (that's new, too, by the way).

It looks like this:

BUY THE BOOK Select one Amazon Barnes and Noble CBD Indie Bound Powell's

I think it's pretty nifty, and I'm pleased that I understood enough html to steal the bones for this thing off the internet and make it my own. I know, all I had to do was replace the link content, but still. Allow me a moment of pride at doing something at the beginner's level.

OF COURSE, the best way for you to celebrate this monumental achievement is for you to test out the drop down menu thing. Click on a link, press go, make sure it works. And just to be certain, go ahead and purchase a book or two to make sure everything is working correctly. Egggggggscellent. Moowhahahahahahaaha.

For all you authors out there who want to make your own, I'll put the basic code after the jump so you can use it for your own (just replace the links with links to your books from the correct site). I stole the basic code from here.

You can get the code after the jump.