Today we have a guest post from my friend Clay Morgan, author of Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn
. Clay's book RELEASES TODAY. You should go buy it! Clay's contact info and website are listed at the bottom of the post. Before you get started on this fun post, in which Clay shares which Biblical characters he'd like to have on his side during a zombie apocalypse, you should probably see this picture, which gives you some insight into Clay's fun-loving nature:
. Clay's book RELEASES TODAY. You should go buy it! Clay's contact info and website are listed at the bottom of the post. Before you get started on this fun post, in which Clay shares which Biblical characters he'd like to have on his side during a zombie apocalypse, you should probably see this picture, which gives you some insight into Clay's fun-loving nature: |
| A zombie, restrained by Jesus, chases Clay while Abraham Lincoln watches nearby. |
8 Bible Characters To
Have On Your Zombie Survival Crew
It's the obvious question that apparently no one is asking. If you were alive
during the time of the Old and/or New Testament and faced an uprising of the
undead who would you want on your zombie survival crew. It's high time we
figure this one out. FOR HUMANITY'S SAKE.
Now I hear some objections rising to the surface like the
living dead from their graves, so let me address those concerns here and now.
Objection #1—This is stupid.
·
Response: "The fool says in his heart,
'There is no God."
Objection #1a—What does that have to do with zombies that
aren't real from 2,000 years ago?!
·
Objection #2—I wouldn't need a team because I would pick
Jesus who just wins.
·
Response: Ah, thought you might go there. I'm
invoking Genie from Aladdin rules
though. You know, kind of like no wishing for more wishes but instead you can't
take the Almighty or anyone else based on potential miraculous capabilities.
So as you can see there is simply no reasonable objection to
be made here. Let's move on.
With so much talk about zombie preparedness, I'm surprised
more people don't plan on tossing a Bible in their apocalypse go bag. You'll at
least want one to get the skinny on the Old & New Testament all-stars that
I would take into battle against the undead any day.
So here it is, a zombie survival crew of biblical proportions
1
Moses—Obvious choice. He's a natural
leader and isn't afraid to bludgeon evil people. And he did all that work in
homemade sandals. I can't even imagine what would happen if the leader of the
Exodus got hold of some Nike shoes.
2
Lazarus—I'm referring to post-brought
back from the dead Lazarus. First of all, if anybody can get inside the head of
dead people it's Laz. Secondly, he's probably a pretty fearless dude since he's
already been dead once and all.
3
Jael—You may not remember this woman
from Judges 4, but if they had made movies during Old Testament times then Jael
would've played Sarah Connor in the Terminator films. When she found a villain
named Sisera hiding in her tent she put him to sleep twice—once for a nap and
once for good. Know how she killed him? By driving a nail through his head and
pegging him to the ground. I need a woman like this if zombies come.
Samson—ALL DAY. Have you seen this
guy's fighting résumé? The guy ripped a lion apart with his bare hands and
killed 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. What?! He was the Chuck
Norris of ancient Hebrews.
Luke—We're gonna need a doctor. Plus I
just really like Luke.
6
Peter—Always bold and ready to go.
Hopefully I don't have too many leaders or "cooks in the kitchen" as
they say. Speaking of cooks, Peter's fisherman abilities would make for some
good eating in a post-fast food world.
7
David—You HAVE to have David. He's
tough and brave and knows how to fight hordes of enemies. I should point out
the potential for jealousy here because if any lady survivors do end up under
our protection I'm guessing that they'll flirt with David instead of me, but
I'm willing to deal with that as long as he brings his "A" game.
Jonah—Let me preface this by saying
that I love the story of Jonah and can unfortunately relate to his disobedient,
pouting ways. I hope he hangs in there with me, but if we get in a tight spot
I'm thinking he'd let me and Jael toss him to the zoms just like he let those
sailors toss him overboard. That will buy us some time. He's kind of a fatalist
at times anyway and that can bring down overall group morale. And if things do
go all bad we can delude ourselves into believing that he could survive in the
belly of a zombie since the whole "I got swallowed by a big fish and
lived" thing worked out.
What biblical characters would you take on your zombie survival crew?
Clay Morgan is a writer,
teacher, and speaker from Pittsburgh, PA who blogs about pop culture, history, and the meaning of life at
ClayWrites.com. He is the author of Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn about zombies,
God, and what it means to be truly alive.
So I just sent this post to my zombie loving friends :) Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sheila! Glad you liked it.
DeleteElijah. John the Revelator. Deborah. Jael (duh!). Ehud. Jephthah. Samson (duh!). David.
ReplyDeleteYou know your stuff JR. Those Old Testament cats just seem like they'd be more fun against the zom zoms.
DeleteShamgar son of Anath.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to look that one up!
DeleteHe'd be the makeshift weapons expert.
DeleteThis is awesome. I choose John the Baptist (guy is crazy, eats honey+locusts), Samson (kills 1,000 guys with a donkeys jawbone and kills a lion), David (natural leader, brave), Paul (vocal leader yet humble, able to ground us during hard times), Elisah (need a prophet, sends 2 bears to maul 42 young adults who were mocking him), Luke (doctor, wrote Acts, meticulous writer/historian), Jonathon and his armor bearer (huge faith, brave and not afraid to fight, skilled warriors).
ReplyDeleteSomehow I never considered John the Baptist. My buddy went with Jonathan also. Thanks for chiming in!
DeleteEhud, the left-hander!
ReplyDeleteYES. I'm a lefty too, so this is especially brilliant.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I don't want Samson involved. That dude was never much of a team player. Besides, he'd probably try to sleep with whatever zombie made for an easy target.
ReplyDeleteMy votes: Cain - the dude can kill without conscience. The Levite who chopped up his concubine - dude has no problem with blood and gore. Abraham - anyone who can cut off a piece of his junk and be okay with it is a worthy opponent...besides, I'm pretty sure he was successful in a few military skirmishes.
There are 2 types of people on the internet Tom. Those who understand you and those who don't. I get you.
DeleteAwww...thanks, man!
Delete1) Samson. Dude has a cast iron stomach. I mean, eating honey from a dead lion? He won't have any problems with the gore. Plus there's the strength thing. We just have to keep the women off the team so he stays focused.
ReplyDelete2) Elisha. I almost went with Elijah (I mean, calling fire out of heaven? C'mon, you can't go wrong there), but Elisha did more miracles, including healing miracles (and he resurrected a few folks, even after he died!), so he'd be invaluable in a supporting role.
3) Peter. After lopping off a dude's ear, I think he'd be good in a brawl, and you need someone like that. Plus, after a lifetime of fishing, I think he'd be pretty built.
4) Joshua. Conquering the Promised Land? We need someone who can think big-picture tactics like that.
5) Gideon. Same reason as Joshua. There might be some friction there, a sort of "too many cooks" vibe, but I think in a zombie apocalypse, people would learn to set aside their egos pretty quickly.
6) Ezekiel. We'd need a token crazy guy, plus his vision of the valley of dry bones tells me he'd be surprisingly level-headed during the initial uprising.
7) Jacob. Not for fighting prowess necessarily (although anyone who wrestled God to a standstill has to have something going for him there), but more for his tricksy nature. We'd want someone who can think outside the box and I think Jacob would be able to do that.
8) Samuel. Again, not afraid to get his hands dirty (i.e. killing Agag when Saul wouldn't), but I think he'd also be good to have on hand for the spiritual aspect of survival as well.
Great picks. Josh & Gideon a nice team. Love that you included a token crazy guy. I TOTALLY forgot mine. Nebuchadnezzar?
DeleteI'm going with survival experts in Moses, David, Josheb, Eleazar, Benaiah, Abishai and then add my "Hulk" I'm Samson, and then I'll add Luke for medical purposes.
ReplyDeleteYup, good to have the doctor in. Good stuff Henry.
DeleteEnoch, the seventh from Adam, 'cause he can teleport. Elisha cause he can call zombie eating bears. Peter knows how to wield a sword. The Apostle Paul--he'll rebuke the undead spirits right out of the zombies. Oh, and Rahab--she knows how to hide.
ReplyDeleteTeleportation counts? Dang. Guess I'll just take Raiden from Mortal Kombat :-) Rahab, now that's a good call.
Delete1-4. Peter, Andrew, James, and John, because they're fishermen. In their culture big bodies of water represented the left over chaos from creation, or what we'd call hell. These guys went out over hell on a daily basis. Translation: They've got stones.
ReplyDelete5. Elisha, you know he's calling out a bear or two.
6. Luke, you need a doctor.
7. Esther, girl knew how to adapt to survive.
8. Joshua, the guy knows how to lead.
Solid picks and I like the Esther call. You're thinking out of the box.
DeleteRahab - knows where to hide and is welcoming of outsiders (echoing Chad)
ReplyDeleteZombie Dorcus - My woman on the inside (and I hear she's good on helping people down on their luck with food)
Saul - Everyone needs a fall guy
The Spirit of Samuel - Everyone needs a guide who knows the territory.
One of the Nephilim - Everyone needs a linebacker to punch a hole in the crowd.
Yael - Because once we finish with the Zombies come the Vampires.
James son of Zebedee and his brother John - Brawlers (I read the MHS Translation) One will go down quickly, so I'm claiming both of them.
Moses with his miracle snake - I don't need no doctor, I've got a healer-mage here!
Got everyone but a healer / doctor and I wanted to
Great stuff Henry. Dorcas is one of the main characters in my book! She was the 2nd to last person brought back to life in the New Testament. Thanks for reading.
DeleteGood list!! It's extra helpful that Jael and David have experience inflicting head injuries because everyone knows that zombies die when their heads are removed or their brains are destroyed, according to Shaun of the Dead.
ReplyDeleteNo kidding about how brutal all that hand to hand combat was in ancient times.
DeleteHave you read The Zombie Bible series? (Death Has Come Up into Our Windows; What Our Eyes Have Witnessed; Strangers in the Land.) These novels do just that -- pit biblical and church-history characters against the ravenous dead.
ReplyDeleteFor my money, you would want Deborah and Jael. Everyone knows that when the dead are eating your people, it is the women who strike back fiercest.
Stant Litore
I'm not familiar with that Stant. Sounds interesting. Deborah is definitely picking up support as a prime zombie slayer.
DeleteAlso, you need David and his Mighty Men, from 1 Chronicles.
ReplyDelete"Sometimes Baruch told the children stories afterward, tales he had heard or read, tales of heroes, of David and his Mighty Men when they lived in the Cave in the wilderness. Of Benaiah, who on a day of snow leaped into a narrow canyon and fought one of the dead with his bare hands, tearing its head from its shoulders. And Eleazar the Ahohite, who stood with David, just the two of them, in a field of barley, with the dead in a circle closing round them. Eleazar and David fought long into the dusk, their spearheads flashing in the dim light, while the dead pressed in on them, hands clutching at them, mouths open in long moans. But as the moon rose, both warriors walked away victorious through a field of motionless dead."
- Excerpt from Death Has Come Up into Our Windows (The Zombie Bible)
Stant Litore
1. Esau--I need a simple man who knows how to live off the land
ReplyDelete2. Rameses-- despite all that he had seen and all the destruction, he still thought somehow he could come out on top. Facing a zombie horde, I need someone with this kind of attitude.
3. Joseph-- interpreting others dreams would be a big benefit.
4. David-- killed tens of thousands, great leader...nuff said
5. Goliath-- 6 cubits and a span tall decked out in armor, yea I could use a guy like that
6. Soloman-- how couldn't I include the wisest guy ever?
7. Saul-- he's no David, but slaying thousands isn't bad
8. Elisha-- some kids mock his male pattern baldness and then 2 bears descend out of the woods to take care of these pesky children; I could use some bears on my side.