Thursday, September 25, 2008

It's about time that a blog called "revolution" discusses politics

Yes, I know. You have all been waiting with baited breath for me to make a political endorsement. It would seem that since my poetry contest dealt a crippling blow to the McCain campaign that perhaps I would be against him. Then again, the complete lack of mentioning Obama could be the sign of a deep-seated feeling of hating all he stands for. Hope. Change. Feh! I hope we never change.

Just kidding.

No, one thing you can count on here at BHR is fair, balanced reporting where we never make a mention on how you vote in Presidential elections, unless someone we know happens to be running.

I did notice yesterday, however, a brewing brouhaha related to pastors endorsing political candidates. I know what you are thinking: "Did Mikalatos really write the words 'brewing brouhaha'?" Yes, I did. Now I need you to focus so we can move on. First, as you know, it's illegal for pastors to make political endorsements from the pulpit. It's a separation of church and state thing. We don't want pastors, you know, using their influence in political campaigns. If they do something like this, the IRS will remove their tax-exempt status. Some pastors yesterday said things like, "This is more important to me than money. Besides I can get our tax-exempt status back easily." Anyway, some pastors are planning a big "preaching rally" where they will get together and "name names" politically... so that the IRS will revoke their exempt status... so that they can sue the IRS... so that the IRS policy on this issue will come to court and be challenged as unconstitutional.

Now. I will just say, first of all, that my preference is that pastors talk about Jesus. The idea of a rally designed to talk about politics with the intention of suing the government is ludicrous. Pastors have better things to do. And yes, I know that Jesus cared about politics a lot, and as I recall his big point was, Pay your taxes.

But actually, here would be my preference. Instead of giving pastors a chance to publicly declare their political allegiance, what if we took that right away from other people? This would be awesome. I am sick of hearing everyone else's opinion on who I should vote for.

I believe we should start with entertainers. I love it (for those of you lacking sarcasm sensors allow me to say **SARCASM OFF THE PORT BOW! MAN THE HARPOONS!**) when an actor stands up and says something like, "You know me from such box office hits as 'Phishing Protection' and 'The Zebra Connection.' Because of my professional ability to pretend to be other people you should vote for my favorite candidate."

You are thinking, "That law is unenforceable." No, no, no. The IRS made a law to enforce it against pastors. Just do the same thing for actors. It would be something like, for every time an actor publicly says which candidate you should vote for, the IRS will take all their wages from their next film. This would then be distributed to the people of America for having to listen to the Hollywood endorsements.

Next, we could make a law where politicians are only allowed to say things that are meaningful and specific. We could create some news shows that do something more than partisan sniping and sound bites. We could reform the senate and the congress. We could build an enormous trebuchet from which to launch people who annoy us.

The easiest way for all these things to happen, of course, would be if I was in charge. So I am asking all of you to vote for me as King of the World. I don't want to do it, but if you all voted for it I promise I would do it well. The unique programs and ideas that I would bring to the world stage would literally change the world. First, we would change the name of the world to Fun Land to increase the intergalactic tourist traffic. Then we would make the internet available for free to everyone. Then we would make it mandatory that every bowl in the world receive three scoops of ice cream. This, my friends, would be only the beginning. And don't forget the Giant Annoying Person Trebuchet Launcher. We could launch other things, too, on festival days.

Now please excuse me. I need to descend to my secret throne room from which I manipulate world events.


  1. You'll have my vote Matt.

    Oh dang... did I just endorse a candidate?

  2. Your highness,

    You are (of course) right as usual. Down with all political endorsers! To the trebuchet!

    Your royal subject

  3. Anonymous10:29 AM

    In all seriousness, I long for the days where who you were voting for remained a private issue. Due to the advancement of the internet, I not only know who everyone is voting for, but also how they feel about the 'other' candidate. Fact is, whether it be the red states or the blue states one is going to win, and the other is not. As a country are we going to be able to respect the man that our democratic system elected, or are we going to continue to rant on the internet about how somebody else could do a better job.

  4. Three scoops of ice cream! Three scoops of ice cream! Three scoops of ice cream!

  5. Oh my word, I am SO glad I'm not in the states right now.