The Smuggler

Station One (the East Asia airport): Do you have any food items in your bag, sir?
Me: Nope.

Station Two (upon entry to Japan): Do you have any food items that you need to declare, sir?
Me: No, I do not.

Station three (at the US entry): Do you have any food items to declare, sir?
Me: No.
Station three: Step aside to the agriculture and food declaration line.
Me: Okay.

Station Four (the Agricultre import lane)
Aggie: Do you have any plants, fruit, vegetables, meat products or food?
Me: No.
Aggie: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Aggie: You don't have any plants?
Me: No.
Aggie: Fruit?
Me: No.
Aggie: Vegetables?
Me: No.
Aggie: You don't have any food?
Me: No.
Aggie: Are you sure you don't have any food at all?
Me: I guess I have one granola bar.
Aggie: Granola bars are fine. Put your bag through the X-ray machine.

Station Five (unpacking)

Me: Hey! Look, a big pack of walnuts! I forgot about these.