Sunday, March 16, 2008

Revolutionary Advice With Matt

Dear Matt,

My wife, Annie, says that our crystal stemware is full of lead and that we shouldn't drink out of it anymore. This is because lead is bad for you. But I say she is wrong. I need your advice.

Sincerely,

Jim Phule

Matt replies: Annie Phule knows that lead from your crystal stemware can leach into your beverage. In fact, like a good cup of tea, your drink will fill with more and more lead the longer you leave it to steep in the glass. So the secret is to imbibe your drink more rapidly. The faster you drink, the less lead you will take in. My suggestion would be to dump the drink into your stemware and immediately chug it. NOTE: Pregnant women and children should drink theirs even faster!

Perhaps a better question would be why you are using stemware at all. In our home we have a rule... "from the bottle, from the jug, from the pitcher we will chug." Individual glasses were invented in the Middle Ages because the backwards people at that time believed in tiny little men called "Germs." They thought these little men hated us (they were jealous of our size) as well as one another (so My Germs would attack and try to kill Your Germs). This was called Germ Warfare. So, if You and I both drank from the same cup, Your Germs might attack me when I went to take a drink, causing sickness or even death. This sort of silly superstition must be shunned, which is why I make certain my family all drink from the same jug of milk. You would be wise to do the same.

Sincerely,

Matt