Advice for the lovelorn

Someone came to my blog today because they searched for the sentence, "How To Tell A Boy That You Love Him."

As a former boy, I think I can speak to this plainly. By "former boy" I mean that I have now grown into a man, no alteration in gender is implied.

Here's the thing about boys.

First you flirt with them. Then you drop hints. Then you keep arranging to run into them at various places. Then you stalk them for a while. Then you have long, rambling phone talks for hours. Then you meet his family. Then you talk about weddings, and what you want to do when you grow up, and what you're looking for in a boyfriend (describing him in as much detail as you dare).

Then one of his friends says, "That girl is totally into you."

And he is shocked. And not sure it's true. And thought you were just really close pals. And he's confused.

Here's how you tell a boy you love him. You go buy a sledgehammer that has the words "I love you" in reverse on the end of the sledge. You take the sledgehammer and swing it with all your might so that it hits him between the eyes and he ends up back at home looking at himself in the mirror and reading the words on his face in the mirror. Then you follow up with a phone call or note or visit where you say, "In case you didn't follow that, you moron, I have strong feelings for you. I love you."

He should get it in a couple of days.

Imaginary Jesus... THE STAGE PLAY!

This November will be the world premiere of the stage adaptation of Imaginary Jesus!

The adaptation was written by the award winning playwright, Deanna Jent, whose play "Falling" is also opening off-Broadway this fall.

The play will be premiering at the Mustard Seed Theatre in St. Louis. I'll keep you updated on details, but right now it looks like Krista and I will be flying out for the premiere. I can't miss the opportunity to see an actor playing the part of me while I am sitting in the audience.

I've read the first 75% of the script and I couldn't be more pleased. It's clever, true to the source material and adds a few new, enjoyable bits as well. I laughed out loud while I was reading it, and I can't wait to see it live! If you live in the St. Louis area, I hope you'll be there, too!

If you're not in the St. Louis area... well, Deanna will make the play available to theatre companies in other cities, so who knows? You might get a chance to see it, too.

Opening our Eyes to See the Invisible: Talk Four at Big Break

Open our eyes, that we might see....

 

The Love that Makes God Visible: My third talk at "Big Break"

Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

 

Wonderful Wednesday: Improv Everywhere at TED

I love the TED talks, short, generally compelling talks about innovative people and their innovations in a variety of disciplines. I love Improv Everywhere, a NYC based group of merry pranksters.

Put them together and...

Ridiculous Reviews on Amazon: One Star Reviews for Homer's "The Odyssey"

Homer's Odyssey, written at least 2,500 years ago, continues to inspire and amaze its readers. The story of a man trying to return home after the Trojan War, it deals with issues of homecoming, betrayal, hospitality, family, identity, temptation and the relationship between the gods and humanity. It's a great story, beautifully told and has images and scenes that have become a common part of our cultural lexicon. But that doesn't mean it gets good reviews on Amazon (of course!). So, please prepare yourself for ONE STAR REVIEWS FOR HOMER'S ODYSSEY!

Today we have several reviews from the ever-popular "A Customer." Here's the first:

I pity all of those souls who have to endure reading this utter rubbish. Every time I attempt to read it, it puts my wee self to sleep. This book is so boring, and I can not fathom how people (even though if they are pretentious secondary school teachers or literature lecturers)can still find this enjoyable.

Ach no! His wee self has fallen asleep! Put him by the hearth and sing Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ra to him! We had hoped he might fall asleep, the poor little bairn.


Meanwhile, in a nearby classroom, a young lady is about to be sick!

I thought this story was very gross. I mean come on. We are having to read this book in freshman English. Actually our teacher reads it to us, but it is still disgusting. We are also having to watch the movie of this, talk about gruesome. It's like Scylla comes out of the water and chomps these people out of the ship and blood showers everywhere. I almost threw up every day when we watch this movie. We watch a little each day. I am over there about to puke up my toes and everybody else, all the boys anyway, are saying how cool it is. My boyfriend just laughs when I tell him I almost threw up in there, he is a freshman, so he has to watch it also. I'm sure he thinks it is awesome,but I don't. If you really like gory stories you will like it. If you don't then I wouldn't read it or watch the movie if I were you. I am not saying to listen to me, you can have your own opinion, I'm just saying I don't like it.

And, finally, Nick from Cleveland has this to say:

This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages. Homer taking all long to say stupid stuff. Teens if you are reading this all I have to say is CLIFF NOTES CLIFF NOTES you will pass the test, unless you are in AP classes. The teachers expect kids to read cliff notes trust me my moms a teacher. P.S this book SUCKS.

Oh, Nick from Cleveland. First of all, this book is only 352 pages long. Second, I'm not sure why Homer being blind has anything to do with your feelings about the length? Also... you might ask your mom to help you investigate "apostrophes" or, as I call them, "Sky Commas."

Now you can enjoy more Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon. If you dare!

And now, a brief photo montage of things inspired by Homer's Odyssey:

God Made Visible: My second "Big Break" talk

The theme of this year's Big Break was "Visible" so in this presentation I talk about how Christ is the image of the unseen God... he makes God visible to us and our sins invisible to God.

Top five posts in March

Here are the top 5 posts for the month of March:

Numero uno, a "Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon" piece about people who think Moby Dick deserves one star.

Number two, the post leading you all to my gospel "translations" on the Western Seminary blog. This is largely in part to a shout out from blogger and author, Rachel Held Evans. Thanks, Rachel!

Three, and I can only assume this is because of St, Patrick's Day, many people came to the blog wanting to read about "God, rainbows and leprechauns."

Fourth, a guest post from my friend and author Anna Broadway.

Lastly, the post about how Neal Patrick Harris shocked me by revealing that the Walt Disney Company does, indeed, have a sense of humor!

Living Water: my first "Big Break" talk

I spent much of this last month in Panama City Beach, Florida for the Big Break conference. I spoke four nights a week for three weeks, to about three thousand college students.

The first night of the conference I did this talk, which was a sort of spiritual diagnostic as we prepared for the week... how are you feeling about your connection to God right now?  Over the next few days I'll share the rest of my talks as well.  Enjoy!

Happy Birthday, also, to some other important people!

It's also my Mother-In-law's birthday today, and tomorrow is my nephew's birthday!

I figured I should probably mention that, lest you think I think my book is more important than the people in my family (it isn't!).

Happy Birthday, Imaginary Jesus!

Two years ago this month, Imaginary Jesus was officially released upon the world!

And there was much rejoicing!

At least at my house, where I took tons of copies of the book and placed them on my bookshelf together with other books I love. Like so:

The Imaginary Jesus audio book came out a little earlier than the physical books, which I had the pleasure of narrating. There's a certain line (uttered by King James Jesus) which I had practiced shouting aloud in my car for weeks.

Overall, I have to say that the whole process has been amazing. Getting interviewed by Writer's Digest was a dream come true, and getting a review from Publisher's Weekly and Relevant Magazine was cool. I wouldn't want all of my dreams to come true, of course, but that was a good one. My author website launched around then, too, and has gone through several changes in the meantime.

Of course, Imaginary Jesus has been recently re-released as My Imaginary Jesus, and I'm excited for this new phase in the book's life.

If you haven't bought a copy of my first novel yet, now would be a great time. It's a great gift for Easter, too! Read the first chapter here.

This month, in honor of the anniversary of the book, I'm planning a few fun surprises. So stay tuned! Or, feel free to leave your suggestions for fun surprises for the month in the comments section.

This totally happened to me tonight

I dropped Z off for her first middle school overnight retreat. My parent's church is taking their 5th graders to the "Word Tour" in Portland tonight.

When I dropped Z off at the church, we went into the wrong building at first. The correct building was across the parking lot, so as we walked I slipped my hand over hers. We walk like this all the time... on the way to school, shopping at the grocery store, wherever.

She saw some of the other kids across the parking lot, then slipped her hand out of mine to push her hair back over her ear, then moved her bag from her left hand into her right so that I couldn't hold her hand anymore. That's the first time she's ever let go of my hand because of other kids being around.

*Sniff*

It made me a little sad that she's growing up. On the other hand, I was both thankful and surprised that she had been so subtle and kind about it.

How about you? Got any stories about your kids growing up and how that changed things for you? Or about growing up yourself?

At Disney World: The Enchanted Tiki Room

In the Enchanted Tiki Room, where the birds they sing, and the flowers croon, my nine-year-old daughter A reveals some thoughts about her experience in the same room five years prior. It's sad to see the kids growing up!

A (disappointed/disgusted): They used to use real birds for this.

At Disney World: Space Mountain!

At Space Mountain, the roller coaster which is also a space adventure. Krista is about to get on the rocket sleds with Z, our ten-almost-eleven-year old.

Z: I don't feel ready for this.

Krista: You've already been on the ride several times. Aren't you ready for it?

Z: Mom. Is anyone ever ready for a space adventure?

Signs from God

Why can't Jesus send a friend request via Facebook like everyone else? And do I have to click on the sign or what?

I love church signs. I really do. They entertain me. I hope the tradition continues for a long time to come!

Wonderful Wednesday: Super Best Friends Forever!

There's a new cartoon out, showing the adventures of Wonder Girl, Batgirl and Supergirl. It's really cute and funny. I'm guessing my daughters will love it. Okay, I might love it, too.

CSFF blog tour: NIght of the Living Dead Christian(s) Day Three: book proposal and "deleted scenes" (first chapters)

I thought today, in honor of all the writer's who aspire to be published, I'd share a couple of tidbits from the early days of Night of the Living Dead Christian (originally titled in the plural, "Christians"). First, I'll share a little bit from the book proposal, and then, at the bottom of the post, there's a link to the original opening section of the book, which will probably be most instructive if you've read the published version and can see how different they turned out!

Determined not to bore you with the entire proposal that my agent sent to Tyndale when we sold the book, I've included a small bit below. We already had relationship with Tyndale and a first book, so they actually bought the book before it was finished even though it is fiction (this is not typical, and all you new writers out there are not allowed to use this as an excuse to never finish your work in progress... I FORBID IT! AND I MUST BE OBEYED!). 

Anyway, here's the part of the proposal where I shared why I thought the book-buying public needed Night of the Living Dead Christian:

The cover article of this month’s Christianity Today says, “Evangelicals desperately
need moral and spiritual renewal – on that everyone agrees. But what do we do about
it?” Christians, on the whole, simply do not know how to become more like Jesus. We
are trapped in sin cycles, selfish, lazy, prideful or simply ignorant. And sometimes even
the best intentioned young believers can’t find anyone to give them a clear answer to the
simple question, “Can I become more like Jesus?” 

Night of the Living Dead Christians addresses this question in an entertaining and
thought provoking way. We claim to experience Christ’s resurrection power, but we
act like zombies – experiencing a resurrection that is 90 percent shambling death and 10
percent life. Werewolves can’t control their base desires. Vampires satiate themselves
at the expense of others. And through it all followers of Christ are longing to stop being
monsters and become truly human, but we can’t seem to figure out how. Many believers
are restlessly searching for a revelation of how Christ changes lives. 

While many people in their twenties and thirties desire deeper theological understanding,
they want it presented in an entertaining way. They aren’t going to pick up a book by
Dallas Willard to get insight into this question, regardless of his compelling answers. It’s
similar to the people who watch The Colbert Report. Colbert’s audience wants the news,
but they want it presented in an entertaining, humorous way. Likewise, many people
desire a conversation about God but they don’t want a textbook lecture. They want a
presentation that remembers that there is life, humor and satisfaction in seeking Him.

We ended up using bits and pieces of the second paragraph in different places along the way when describing the book in sales meetings and even in the book's description in some places.

Speaking of things that were cannibalized to make the new, monstrous Night of the Living Dead Christian, I thought some of you writerly types might be interested to read the ORIGINAL beginning chapters of NLDC, back when there was a group of marauding junior highers, the "Halloween Angel" and a pair of glasses that let you see monsters. Also, way more Lutheran jokes. All of these things were eventually removed, and I thought you might enjoy comparing the published book with the early direction the book took.

Here's the link to an early draft of NLDC's opening chapters.

Feel free to leave comments or questions about these things, and I'd be glad to interact with you about them in the comment section!

CSFF blog tour, day 2: Night of the Living Dead Christian Monster Guide, Radio interviews and Fan Art

Monster Guide. One of fun extras in the back of Night of the Living Dead Christian is the Layman's Self-Diagnosis Guide to Common Monstrosities in which you can discover if you are a monster, and if so, which monster best describes you. You can read it online here. It has made for some great conversations with people.

Radio, radio, radio. That particular Guide was posted when Chris Fabry interviewed me on his radio show. You can hear that interview (waaaaaaay back on Halloween) here. I know you are picturing the author, giant headphones on, talking in a small room that looks somewhat like Dr. Frasier Crane's workplace. This illusion will be shattered by the moment in this interview when my sobbing daughter bursts into the bedroom where I am calling into the show on my phone. This was an embarrassing moment. As I recall I said something like, "Two-year-old daughter! Can't you see that your father is trying to appear professional right now?" Not really. But I thought it.

Fan art! Another fun moment was my first piece of fan art to be sent in, by Josh Alves. Here it is:

Josh and I have exchanged some notes with some ideas of things we might like to do together in the future. Pretty great.

CSFFers, feel free to use these in your blog posts if you like. And remember, I'm giving one of you a free, signed copy of NLDC and a limited edition poster! Get to work and have fun!

Christian Science Fiction and Fantasy Blog Tour for Night of the Living Dead Christian

Hey friends...

Bullet the Vampire Dog

For the next three days, my friends at Christian Science Fiction and Fantasy are doing a blog tour about my second novel, Night of the Living Dead Christian. Today, tomorrow and Wednesday, all the sites below will be sharing between one and three posts about the book, their thoughts related to it, and, if I know them, interesting thoughts spurred by the book but not having much to do with it.

It's an always enjoyable round up of thoughts, reflections, insights and violent arguments (okay, not that many violent arguments). There's always an award given out to the best blogger of the tour, and to sweeten the pot this month I'm giving the winner of the blog tour a free, signed copy of the book as well as a limited edition NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD poster (the image of which does not match the book cover, is beautiful, and that the publisher has asked me not to share publicly).

I'll be dropping into the tour as much as possible in the days to come, and you should feel free to stop in, lurk, comment, share your own thoughts, or even do your own posts about the book.

Here are the participating blogs/bloggers (if you'd like to only see blogs which have already posted about NLDC for the day, Rebecca LuElla Miller usually goes through and marks which blogs have posted as it happens):

UPDATE: I've fixed the broken link problem, mostly by ripping them off from Rebecca Luella Miller. She had also put checkmarks by those who had already posted for the tour. The names below are also links.

Gillian Adams
√ Julie Bihn
Red Bissell
Jennifer Bogart 
√ Thomas Clayton Booher
Thomas Fletcher Booher
√ Keanan Brand
√ Beckie Burnham
√ Morgan L. Busse
Theresa Dunlap
Amber French
Tori Greene
√ Nikole Hahn
Ryan Heart
√ Bruce Hennigan
Janeen Ippolito
Becky Jesse
√ Jason Joyner
√ Carol Keen
Leighton
√ Shannon McDermott
√ Nissa
√ Joan Nienhuis
√ John W. Otte
Crista Richey
√ Sarah Sawyer
√ Chawna Schroeder
√ Rachel Starr Thomson
√ Steve Trower
√ Fred Warren
√ Shane Werlinger
Nicole White
Dave Wilson

Book signing in Orlando Sunday, March 25th from 8:30 AM to 12:30 PM

Hey Floridians and those visiting Florida to see the Mouse or Harry Potter or alligators or manatees:

You also can see me!

This Sunday I will be signing books to celebrate the grand opening of the newly refurbished Cafe on the Rock at First Baptist Orlando.

Come hang out, go to church, buy some books, have some coffee. Maybe you will see an alligator. It's going to be fun. See you there.