Friday, April 06, 2012

Advice for the lovelorn

Someone came to my blog today because they searched for the sentence, "How To Tell A Boy That You Love Him."

As a former boy, I think I can speak to this plainly. By "former boy" I mean that I have now grown into a man, no alteration in gender is implied.

Here's the thing about boys.

First you flirt with them. Then you drop hints. Then you keep arranging to run into them at various places. Then you stalk them for a while. Then you have long, rambling phone talks for hours. Then you meet his family. Then you talk about weddings, and what you want to do when you grow up, and what you're looking for in a boyfriend (describing him in as much detail as you dare).

Then one of his friends says, "That girl is totally into you."

And he is shocked. And not sure it's true. And thought you were just really close pals. And he's confused.

Here's how you tell a boy you love him. You go buy a sledgehammer that has the words "I love you" in reverse on the end of the sledge. You take the sledgehammer and swing it with all your might so that it hits him between the eyes and he ends up back at home looking at himself in the mirror and reading the words on his face in the mirror. Then you follow up with a phone call or note or visit where you say, "In case you didn't follow that, you moron, I have strong feelings for you. I love you."

He should get it in a couple of days.