I didn't notice McCain or Obama mentioning this

Common sense dictates that in a debate one should mention the trebuchet, the atomic bomb of the middle ages.

As you know, one of my own campaign promises is that we will use this marvelous tool to hurl those who annoy us far into the air and away from us. I wanted to show you how serious I am about this promise, but since the United States is such a litigious society I had to have my supporters in Japan set up a secret trebuchet experimentation post in Britain. Here is an example of what you can expect in the near future if you elect me King:



Nets optional, of course!

A joke from A

Q: What did one hobbit say to the other hobbit?

A: Take me into your stinky lagoon. Stinky.

My Own Worst Enemy

For several days I've had a new night guard. I don't like it very much, but it's important to wear it.

The problem is that while I'm sleeping I take it out and put it away. Without waking up.

This has happened twice now. The first time I actually put it away in the case. Last night I kept waking up and looking for it, but I couldn't find it. I finally found it after I got up this morning, randomly placed on the bed. It was like sleeping with a pair of teeth wandering the bed.

I've tried to talk to myself about this, but the conversation is difficult.

Awake Matt: Sleeping Matt, you have to stop taking our night guard out. I will do that when we wake up.

Sleeping Matt: Zzzzzzzzz.

AM: Don't give me back talk. You need to agree to this.

SM: Zzzzzzz. Snort.

AM: If you don't listen to me I'm going to have to wake you up.

SM: Zzzzzzz? Muhnuh grabble zif. Zzzzzzzz.

AM: Wake up. HEY! WAKE UP!

AM: Oh. Um. Now you're awake. Which means you're Awake Matt instead of Sleeping Matt. So... don't take that night guard out anymore. Okay, I won't. I mean, I'll try. Oh brother.

It's about time that a blog called "revolution" discusses politics

Yes, I know. You have all been waiting with baited breath for me to make a political endorsement. It would seem that since my poetry contest dealt a crippling blow to the McCain campaign that perhaps I would be against him. Then again, the complete lack of mentioning Obama could be the sign of a deep-seated feeling of hating all he stands for. Hope. Change. Feh! I hope we never change.

Just kidding.

No, one thing you can count on here at BHR is fair, balanced reporting where we never make a mention on how you vote in Presidential elections, unless someone we know happens to be running.

I did notice yesterday, however, a brewing brouhaha related to pastors endorsing political candidates. I know what you are thinking: "Did Mikalatos really write the words 'brewing brouhaha'?" Yes, I did. Now I need you to focus so we can move on. First, as you know, it's illegal for pastors to make political endorsements from the pulpit. It's a separation of church and state thing. We don't want pastors, you know, using their influence in political campaigns. If they do something like this, the IRS will remove their tax-exempt status. Some pastors yesterday said things like, "This is more important to me than money. Besides I can get our tax-exempt status back easily." Anyway, some pastors are planning a big "preaching rally" where they will get together and "name names" politically... so that the IRS will revoke their exempt status... so that they can sue the IRS... so that the IRS policy on this issue will come to court and be challenged as unconstitutional.

Now. I will just say, first of all, that my preference is that pastors talk about Jesus. The idea of a rally designed to talk about politics with the intention of suing the government is ludicrous. Pastors have better things to do. And yes, I know that Jesus cared about politics a lot, and as I recall his big point was, Pay your taxes.

But actually, here would be my preference. Instead of giving pastors a chance to publicly declare their political allegiance, what if we took that right away from other people? This would be awesome. I am sick of hearing everyone else's opinion on who I should vote for.

I believe we should start with entertainers. I love it (for those of you lacking sarcasm sensors allow me to say **SARCASM OFF THE PORT BOW! MAN THE HARPOONS!**) when an actor stands up and says something like, "You know me from such box office hits as 'Phishing Protection' and 'The Zebra Connection.' Because of my professional ability to pretend to be other people you should vote for my favorite candidate."

You are thinking, "That law is unenforceable." No, no, no. The IRS made a law to enforce it against pastors. Just do the same thing for actors. It would be something like, for every time an actor publicly says which candidate you should vote for, the IRS will take all their wages from their next film. This would then be distributed to the people of America for having to listen to the Hollywood endorsements.

Next, we could make a law where politicians are only allowed to say things that are meaningful and specific. We could create some news shows that do something more than partisan sniping and sound bites. We could reform the senate and the congress. We could build an enormous trebuchet from which to launch people who annoy us.

The easiest way for all these things to happen, of course, would be if I was in charge. So I am asking all of you to vote for me as King of the World. I don't want to do it, but if you all voted for it I promise I would do it well. The unique programs and ideas that I would bring to the world stage would literally change the world. First, we would change the name of the world to Fun Land to increase the intergalactic tourist traffic. Then we would make the internet available for free to everyone. Then we would make it mandatory that every bowl in the world receive three scoops of ice cream. This, my friends, would be only the beginning. And don't forget the Giant Annoying Person Trebuchet Launcher. We could launch other things, too, on festival days.

Now please excuse me. I need to descend to my secret throne room from which I manipulate world events.

You Can't Help But Feel Good When This Happens

I ran out of gas today. I know, you are thinking, "What is so good about that?"

I knew I might run out. The "empty" light had come on a long time ago. But I kept thinking, "Now is not a good time to stop for gas" and "It is too expensive at this location." So I drove some more.

Eventually, the engine stopped running and the car coasted along for a moment. "Oh no!" I cried. I would have said, "I can't believe this" but in fact I could believe it.

Luckily the gas had run out on a slight downward slope. I put on the hazard lights and coasted. Then, out of nowhere, a sign! A convenience store complete with gas pumps. I cranked the wheel hard and bumped up into the parking lot.

The car pulled to a stop next to the pump. I didn't even have to use the brakes, it just rolled right up and came to a stop by itself.

When something like this happens, you can't help but feel glad, like the world is on your side.

Then I found a million dollar bill pinned to my shirt.

THE END

beyond the reflection's edge

The fine people at Zondervan just sent me a copy of Bryan Davis' "Beyond the Reflection's Edge" for review. There's an internet tour going on next month related to the book, so I'll post some thoughts on it at that time.

In the meantime, here's a shout out to Zondervan for sending me the book! Thanks, Zondervan.

The incomparable NIGHT GUARD!

Those of you with long memories will remember waaaay back in February of 2006 my dentist told me I need a "splint." I received it yesterday, and apparently in the intervening two years and seven months the terminology has changed to call splints "night guards."

I like the name Night Guard. It's a good super hero name. Imagine some thieves on the Portland docks, stealing boxes out of a warehouse. They stick to the shadows and work fast. A small noise catches their attention. They turn, pulling out their weapons to discover... NIGHT GUARD!

"Stay back!" they shout. But they did not anticipate Night Guard's ability to, uhhhh -- they didn't anticipate his power to, um. He has the power to keep his own teeth from grinding, especially at night.

"Beeware eefull dooers," Night Guard says, doing his best to enunciate. "Eye em... Nite Gardh!"

The thieves hesitate, their guns drooping like spring flowers in an unexpected frost.

"Now yuu must feer meye proestheteec toof!" Night Guard cries, opening his mouth wide.

The thieves run away and tell everyone that there is a new super hero in town. They aren't sure of his name, but he had one giant prosthetic tooth, so he becomes known in the criminal underground as... CYDENT! Like CYCLOPS but with one tooth instead of one eye! The Very Unpredictability of his unclear words stikes fear into that superstitious lot of criminals.

Meanwhile, restless because of his new prosthesis, Night Guard wakes from sleep thinking that he's suffocating. Other times he awakes, his mouth dry from sleeping with his mouth open. He gets out of bed, exhausted and short tempered. He begins to wonder if he shouldn't become a super villain. They are allowed to be irritable and difficult. And imagine the terror he could bring upon people. He stares out the window, brooding with the morbid tenacity of a chicken. A world of unlimited possibilities and unblocked vistas spreads before him, his choices infinite, his great power weighing on him like wet clothes, like bricks, like responsibility. "Eye muff mayke dis choyce weyslee," he says. The sun rises over the city, as if a challenge, as if in answer, as if an inscrutable parable sent by God. He takes out his night guard and gets ready for the day.

Please Don't Insert Your Toddler Into the Bowling Ball Retrieval Machine

I snapped this little beauty while hanging out with some of my stint buddies at the stint debrief this weekend.

Happy Birthday, Bilbo and Frodo!

Today is September 22nd, the birthday of Bilbo and Frodo Baggins*. Happy Birthday to our hobbit friends... thanks for the many hours of fun and adventure. Let us celebrate with much feasting and pipe smoking, and by walking about barefoot.


*Because the hobbits used the Shire calendar instead of the Gregorian calendar, it's possible that their actual birthday is closer to September 14th. I prefer to use the 22nd date, since that's the one that Tolkien settled on for The Lord of the Rings.

Happy Birthday, Grandma Traylor

We went to Drain, Oregon today to celebrate Krista's Grandma's 85th Birthday. Happy Birthday!

Jack and Jills

Today at Grandma Traylor's birthday party, Krista's Aunt Sheila shared about some new arrivals in their neighborhood:

Sheila: Our neighbors just got seven new miniature donkeys. They're all pregnant, so everyone is excited.

Young boy (C): They're not all pregnant. One of them is a boy.

Z: I bet that one boy is the reason all the girl donkeys are pregnant.

News From My Neighborhood

One Less Butterfly To Worry About. Z caught a caterpillar at my parent's house last week. I thought it had been released back into the wild, but today as Krista and I loaded up the van we found a furry little corpse in an empty yogurt cup. We gave it an uncerimonious burial in the front yard.

Houdini Dog Strikes Again. Certain Precautions I am taking have prevented Houdini Dog from getting into the backyard but yesterday I noticed that he has left a sign of his passing in the front lawn. I am thinking of putting up some "WANTED" posters, but since I don't know what he looks like I guess it would just say WANTED at the top and then there would be a blank space in the middle of the paper, and at the bottom it would say HOUDINI DOG.

The Precaution Of Which I Spoke. I found a snake in our back yard. I assume that he is, perhaps, one of Houdini Dog's enemies, moving in to keep him out. I've warned the frogs, who now have a snake and Tiger Cat to worry about .

new devotional

I put up a new devotional over on our WSN blog. It's a reflection on suffering.

Speaking of suffering, a bee flew into my hair this morning when I was walking Z to school. Which was clearly an evil plot, as I do not have tons of hair in which to become tangled.

Hopefully the Squeaky Thing in our attic is not a bat. I'd hate to get one of those tangled up in my follicle wreath.

Ziggy Piggy Ziggy Piggy

Tonight we had yet another gourmet dinner, only this time Krista and Shasta made it: risotto! Mmmmm. It was great.

We followed up by watching this movie about a girl who is cursed to have a pig nose (and ears) until someone "of her own kind" makes a lifelong commitment to love her. Her own kind is upper class humanity. I'd heard mediocre reviews of the movie, but actually it was charming, fun and quirky. I thought it was good. Afterward I told the ladies a couple of ways I would have tweaked the ending to make it even better and they told me that I was insane. But that is just the cost of being a genius, you know, so I just broke a wine glass on the floor and shouted YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME NEVER NEVER! and went to my room and wrote "I love me just the way I am" in my Hurt Journal about thirty thousand times.

The movie is called Penelope, and I can recommend it heartily. I think you will like it just fine. It's a tragedy about a girl mistakenly held captive on a farm for years and years. Wait, no, it's a quirky romantic comedy. No farms are in this movie.

Political Cartoonists Trying to Peg the VP Candidates

Poor cartoonists have their work cut out for them. I have to admit that most of these are neither good nor funny. I guess they'll get four years to work up to it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST!!!!

In the mail today:

Gene Wolfe's "An Evil Guest."

I debated: do I wait? Do I savor it slowly? Do I save it for my trip to NYC with Krista coming up in a few weeks?

I decided: I will just read the first page, just to savor it, just to get a taste.

That was about eighty pages ago.

Whoops.

Tips for Surviving Your Story

I watched the first episode of "Fringe" last night on Hulu. Some sort of flesh-eating virus is wandering around in television land as part of the Fringe plot. And, at least in the beginning of the show, whenever something creepy is about to happen, electricity starts acting strangely. Electrical storms, cell phones not working, street lamps flickering.

Right at the climactic moments of one of those creepy scenes, one of the street lamps on the show flickered and then WHAM my computer screen went white and then froze. It wasn't, as I immediately guessed, a gimmick designed to frighten me. So I rebooted the computer, all the while wondering, Am I the next one to succumb to a flesh-eating virus?

Realizing I might actually be in a television episode, I quickly rehearsed five ways to make sure I would survive to the end of the episode:

1) Do everything you can to be the most interesting person in the room. No one wants the interesting guy to die. Be sure to have 50 more IQ points to than the average guy. Or keep saying, "I can do some great magic tricks but I can't show you until next week."

2) Have messy, unresolved relationships with as many people around you as possible. Let's be frank. If you're dating someone, do your best to build the romantic tension without actually moving forward significantly in the relationship. This will keep the audience tuning in week after week and keep you a vital part of the story. *DO NOT* under any circumstances say something like, "I love you and will always be here for you" before getting on a train or something.

3) Try to get the show named after you. You know who is never going to die on "House"? House, that's who. Or the Dukes of Hazzard. When Bo and Luke left they were going to have to rename the show or get someone to come in who would also be named Duke. Enter Coy and Vance. You don't want to have to rename the show, "The Bishops of Hazzard." It's confusing. Ditto "Gray's Anatomy." If you kill of Gray and have to call it "Smith's Anatomy" you're going to lose viewers.

4) Don't make comments that would cause your death to be ironic. For instance, if you happen to be at a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and this General says, "Asteroids are headed for the earth and all of us will die in a fiery conflagration" don't respond with some smart aleck response like, "It's not the asteroids that we have to worry about it... it's all those meteorites!" If you can't resist a comment like that, you probably deserve a space rock to the forehead, so get ready.

5) Pay attention to the music. If you're chasing a bad guy and there's this exciting music playing, you're probably fine. But if the BG turns down a dark alley and creepy music starts playing, back away. Try to find a coffee shop where hip people sit in the middle of the shop on a set of strangely arranged sofas. Feel free to jump into their conversation, especially if it's about dating and relationships. If you hear occasional laughter... that's the laugh track! You're safe at last.

a picture of the future (I hope)

Tonight I made dinner for the kids early, while Krista was at her exercise class. They decided they wanted to sit outside and eat, and as I worked in the kitchen I looked out and saw the two of them sitting sweetly together and chatting amiably about their day and life and pizza and I'm sure whatever came to their minds. It was so cute, I had to take a quick picture. I know there will be days (or decades) where this isn't the case, but I sincerely hope they grow up loving each other and being close friends who can sit out on the porch on a beautiful summer night and eat a meal together and talk about life.

Our Homemade Pizza

Here's a picture of the pizza I made for me and Krista last night. Krista made the dough. There's kalamata olives, squash and three kinds of tomatoes from the garden. I have to admit that it was tasty. The real question is, Why don't you ever come to our house for dinner? Well? Why not?

Answer: Less Than You Would Think

A: Are you going to a meeting or something?

Me: I am going into the office later.

A: You don't usually get dressed up so fancy.

Me: Mom's taking my picture for a magazine I'm going to be in.

A (after a long pause): How famous are you?