More Mormon Musings

I took my Elder Buddies out to lunch today, so we could talk some more about my questions from last time.

There is a great wealth of conversations to relate here. I felt sad for these guys, who are very sincere and yet seem unable to really engage with the questions I am asking them. No doubt because they are trying to convert me. Ahem.

Anyway, I had read a brief passage of the Book of Mormon at their urging. It's a part where Jesus reveals himself to the Lost Tribe of Israel and they are all Very Impressed and line up to put their hands in his side (which I thought was weird, but we didn't discuss that today).

Me: You know what really bothered me about this? You have all these Semitic people -- and what language was the Book of Mormon translated from?

Elder J: Hebrew and Egyptian.

Me: Right. So you have these Semitic people, and somehow Jesus introduces himself as Jesus Christ.

(Silence.)

Me: And Christ is a Greek word. We should expect that, at the least, it would say Messiah, and maybe it would be translated "annointed one." But for a Greek word to show up in the middle of a Hebrew text, that's just weird. And then it talks about "baptism" which is a Greek word, too. Both "baptism" and "Christ" are transliterated from Greek, not translated. So how do you explain that?

Elder J: That's a good question.

Elder M: I don't know the answer to that. But I know that God knows the answer.

Me: Okay.

Elder M: And if you pray and ask God to show you the truth of the Book of Mormon, I can guarantee he will do that.

My children comment on Macbeth

On the way to ice skating tonight I told the kids a Cliffs Notes version of Macbeth. Here's my favorite bit:

Me: --and then the three witches told Macbeth that he would be king one day.

Z: Oh no! Never listen to a witch!

A: They have an evil plan!

Z: Didn't Macbeth's dad ever tell him not to listen to a witch?

Me: Uh... I guess not.

Faux pas

My mormon friends came by today to try to figure out a good time for us to get together again.

Me: Could you guys get together tomorrow at like 2 o'clock?

Elder: Yes, that would work.

Me: We could meet here and go grab coffee.

(Awkward silence.)

Me: Oh, yeah. You aren't allowed to drink coffee, are you?

Elder: No.

Frequent Flier Perks

I was flying "Ted" yesterday. One of the flight attendants told me that because I was a Premiere Executive I was allowed to call it a "Theodore" flight.

But I decided not to do that.

things I saw on my way to the terminal, and the conclusions I draw from them

Observed: A police vehicle in the center of highway 5 at four in the morning, lights blazing, and an officer standing beside a man with no vehicle.

Conclusion: Neither justice nor crime sleeps.

Observed: A large Latino family with many bags waiting in the "priority" line with all the white business men with their one tiny roller bag each. The family was immediately idenitifed as "economy" and moved to the longer line.

Conclusion: Those who need the least help are often given extra service.

Observed: The economy line moved significantly faster than the shorter and more prestigious priority line.

Conclusion: Sometimes the appearance of superiority or the perceived rights of one's station become more important than the actual service or the speed with which it is received.

Observed: A woman with red-rimmed eyes and a barely contained desire to sob, looking mournfully at the man who waited outside the security line, waving to her and eventually coming alongside the line to kiss her across the security tape, to grasp her hand for an instant before she entered the labyrinth.

Conclusion: Life is full of partings and sorrow.

Observed: A security guard who took his job seriously, and stopped to carefully read each boarding pass, to look into the eyes of even the co-workers he knew and to check it against their security badges, resulting in many grumbling travellers and a painfully slow progress toward the shoe-removing, metal-discarding ritual of the secuity checkpoint.

Conclusion: Those who work hardest to ensure our safety are least appreciated.

Observed: When I get up too early in the morning, I wake up either cranky or philosophical.

Conclusion: Today it's the latter.

our new pet

There's this stray cat who has been hanging around our house the last couple of days. It's skin, bones and fur. Last night we came home to find it curled up on our front porch. This morning it stood mournfully at our back door.

Krista mentioned that maybe we should start to feed it, because it seems clear that it has been abandoned, and no one else is caring for it. So tonight I went out back and found it curled up next to our house. I gave it some chicken and a bowl of milk. It purred at me and then went back to its spot.

I told the kids tonight that the cat would be our cat now, but that it has to live outside. Tomorrow we'll try to get it a "cat house" or something, but that they would need to name the cat.

They came up with a name in about ten seconds: Lucy Amber Kristina Macy Mikalatos. We'll call her "Lucy Amber" for short.

Favorite Moments with My Mormon Friends, Part One

Elder M: Have you ever read the Book of Mormon?

Me: Parts of it. A long time ago.

Elder M: How did you feel as you read it?

Me: I'm going to be honest, but I don't want to offend you. Is that okay?

Elder M: Yes.

Me: Well, I'm a writer. And I have to say that most of the time I was reading the Book of Mormon I was distracted by the way that it appeared that someone was trying to copy the style of the King James Bible--

D (the woman who hosts the elders in our neighborhood): We read from the King James Bible, you know.

Me: I know. What I'm saying is that I was distracted by the fact that it seemed that the style of the Book of Mormon was like someone trying to copy King James English, but not doing a great job of it.

Elder M: You're getting at how there are errors in grammar, things like that. You know, Joseph Smith only had an eighth grade education at the time he translated the Book of Mormon.

Me: How did he translate it exactly?

Elder M: He had two artifacts --

Me: The urim and thummim or something, right?

Elder M: Right. Then God supernaturally translated it, and Joseph Smith told people what to write down.

Me: So you're saying that God basically dictated the translation to Joseph Smith.

Elder M: That's right.

Me: So all the grammar mistakes, those would be God's grammar mistakes?

(A long silence.)

Elder M: That's right.

(I look to Elder J for help. He looks skeptical that the grammar mistakes could be God's grammar mistakes.)

Elder J: That's a good question.

Holy Spirit, get ready... FIGHT!

I had a great conversation with the neighborhood missionaries for the Latter Day Saints today. Man, I had a good time.

My favorite moment is when one of the poor young elders told me that the reason that the Book of Mormon reads like second-rate King James is that God supernaturally translated it and he just wanted all the bad grammar and poor style included. Ha ha ha. Good one!

More to come later....

p.s. there wasn't really any fighting. Mostly asking questions. I did take a brief moment to explain to them why Moses and Elijah appeared on the Mount of Transfiguration and then asked why, of all people, Peter, James and John came to bestow the priesthood on Joseph Smith.

delayed reaction

Me: I think I'm sick.

A: Maybe it's because you ate some eggs.

Me: I didn't eat any eggs.

A: Didn't your food on the plane touch some eggs?

Me: That was ten days ago.

A: Aren't you allerigic to eggs?

Questions about ice skating

I took Z to her ice skating lessons tonight, and it left me with many questions.

What is going on with those kids who pull on some sort of nylons over their skates? What is the benefit in that? Or is it just a style thing?

How does a zamboni work exactly? Does it really have to be that big? Who came up with that name and what does it mean? Is that Italian or what?

Is my child destined for greatness? Is it normal that she should fall down so rarely? Should I have enrolled her in ice skating lessons at age 18 months to guarantee her spot in the olympics?

Whose idea was it to have metal bleachers in an ice skating rink? Do they want the parents to freeze their patookies? Is this a scam to sell some sort of seat warmers?

The Butterbean Story (parts 1-3) by A

Once upon a time there was once a little butter bean. It made its way to Lookout Bridge. And there's a huge sunshine beam. Look out for more butter bean in Butter Bean 2.

Butterbean Part Two. Once there was a little brean. And it made lots of trouble. Today we're telling about how all the butterbeans get stuck in a crayon. It was a giant one all of them were in. The queen said, "Butterbean, if you can get us out we can go back to our own world." Look out for more butterbean in Butterbean Part Three.

Butterbean Part Three. Today we're talking about how Butterbean saved all the butterbeans. "Butterbean, use the loopdiloop to get us all out of here," said the queen. Butterbean world is in this big house that all the butterbeans live in. Let me tell you how big the house is. It's 25 butterbeans long and there's 25 butterbeans. Look out for more butterbean in Butterbean Part Four.

To be continued....

Calvinball (Part Two)

Today we returned to the grade school for a kickball rematch. This time the teams started out as me and the kids versus Krista and Shasta. All was going well at first. I kicked one waaaaay out into the outfield and we scored three runs. But then the outs started piling up. And then it was Krista and Shasta's turn to kick. Krista said, "Let's make Matt run!" and they started kicking the ball ridiculously far. Z soldiered on, but A defected to the Ladies Team.

Fortunately for me, the Ladies Team decided to head home early to make dinner for us (barbecued salmon and mashed potatoes and I'm not sure what other tasty surprises they may be serving up for us).

On the way home we saw our neighbors who had been in the street altercation in September, which had ended with me on the sidewalk while a police officer held an assault rifle pointed in my direction. As we stood there, the neighbors they had been fighting with drove by and she waved to them. I asked if they had become friends and she said, "This is the first time I've seen them since the fight. I'm hoping if I act nice there won't be trouble." I shrugged. "Also, they were so drunk I'm not sure they remember what happened."

Garfield Minus Garfield

A friend sent me this link for "Garfield Minus Garfield"... a website where someone takes the daily Garfield strip and removes the fat cat. Turns out it's funnier that way.

Calvinball

I came home from South Carolina today, and it's great to be back with my family. The kids wanted to ride their bikes to the grade school, so off we went. Z started talking about how much she loves P.E. at school, so Krista started telling A all about kickball. So we decided to give it a try.

Although I gave a valiant effort at teaching the children kickball, all I really taught them was a mild version of Calvinball.

Some of today's rules included: Daddy has to walk when he kicks the ball. If one of the kids can't find the base (we were using bits of trash we found in the field), then I couldn't tag them until they found it, it took one "out" for me to stop kicking, but they got four outs.

P.S. Krista was worried when I saw this post that I was going to be talking about Calvinism. Calvinism Ball, in my opinion, is much less fun. It has many of the same rules as kickball, but everyone gets together and decides the outcome before they play.

Bloggerific

The wonderful thing about bloggers
is bloggers are wonderful things
they drink their coffee from mug-gers
they like to lay on bed springs.

Bloggers are cuddly fellas
bloggers are awfully sweet
everyone else is jealous
they never stand up on their feet!

they're moggy, loggy, doggy, bloggy
fun fun fun fun
but the most wonderful thing about bloggers
is I'm the only one!

Ooooooooh Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm the only one!

Some airport ideals that we should adopt into the rest of the world

First and foremost, let us remind ourselves that the Portland airport (PDX!) is a forward thinking insitution, and that whatever backwards airport you are accustomed to may not have embraced all the things I shall list below. But behold, they are readily embraced here in the City of Roses.

1) Free Internet. I don't know why this is so difficult to understand. We do not want to pay more than a month's access fees to get on the internet at Starbucks for twenty minutes. The only conceivable reason to charge people for this is that some people actually pay. Stop that right now! Let's demand free internet for all.

2) Bookstores open at 6 a.m. PDX requires that all their stores open when the customers arrive. I like that I can buy a book earlier than I would usually wake up. Not that I think all stores should open at 6 a.m., but let's be honest... bookstores should open before ten in the morning. When a man has stayed up all night reading, he wants a new book.

3) "Rest Legalities." My flight today is delayed due to a "flight crew rest legality." In other words, the government has stepped in and said that the flight crew has worked hard enough and they need a break. I would gladly adopt this into some portions of my life. "Daddy, wake up and get me some breakfast!" "Sorry, darling, but there is a 'parental rest legality' preventing me from getting your breakfast. It will be delayed by fifteen minutes." "But I'm hungry!" "Sorry, kid, that's the law."

4) Someone to carry your junk. I like how they'll take my bag and lug it around for me. When I arrive at the correct location, HUZZAH! It magically appears. This is often true.

5) Paranoid security workers to look at me askance when they read my foreign last name. Oh wait, we already have that.

6) Moving walkways. 'Nuff said.

7) Live accordian players who will play any song you like for one thin nickel! Like I said, the Portland airport is ahead of its time. Okay, I made that up. But there is a live piano player.

lunch plans

By lunchtime I'll be at the Chicago airport. My plan is to have a Chicago dog for lunch. I haven't had one in about four years... the last time I was at O'Hare. For those of us from the west coast, a Chicago dog is weird. There are strange pickled things that don't appear to be pickles, and hot peppers and I'm not sure what else. But I like them. And although it's 5:30 in the morning right now, I'm still looking forward to the strange goodness that is a Chicago dog.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Mikalatos

You wanted to know everything about me. Here's the link.

UPDATE: Eagle-eyed BHR reader JB Windle called me to say that the link sometimes generated more-than-questionable content. I've removed the link now. Thanks, JB!

Yes, this is why you should stay tuned to BHR every moment of every day. You snooze, you lose.

This one is for Big John

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I'm sure this is old news for most of you, but just in case you live in INDIA or something, here's the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie:



May 22nd is the old man's big day.