Today we have a guest post from my friend Clay Morgan, author of Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn
. Clay's book RELEASES TODAY. You should go buy it! Clay's contact info and website are listed at the bottom of the post. Before you get started on this fun post, in which Clay shares which Biblical characters he'd like to have on his side during a zombie apocalypse, you should probably see this picture, which gives you some insight into Clay's fun-loving nature:
. Clay's book RELEASES TODAY. You should go buy it! Clay's contact info and website are listed at the bottom of the post. Before you get started on this fun post, in which Clay shares which Biblical characters he'd like to have on his side during a zombie apocalypse, you should probably see this picture, which gives you some insight into Clay's fun-loving nature: |
| A zombie, restrained by Jesus, chases Clay while Abraham Lincoln watches nearby. |
8 Bible Characters To
Have On Your Zombie Survival Crew
It's the obvious question that apparently no one is asking. If you were alive
during the time of the Old and/or New Testament and faced an uprising of the
undead who would you want on your zombie survival crew. It's high time we
figure this one out. FOR HUMANITY'S SAKE.
Now I hear some objections rising to the surface like the
living dead from their graves, so let me address those concerns here and now.
Objection #1—This is stupid.
·
Response: "The fool says in his heart,
'There is no God."
Objection #1a—What does that have to do with zombies that
aren't real from 2,000 years ago?!
·
Objection #2—I wouldn't need a team because I would pick
Jesus who just wins.
·
Response: Ah, thought you might go there. I'm
invoking Genie from Aladdin rules
though. You know, kind of like no wishing for more wishes but instead you can't
take the Almighty or anyone else based on potential miraculous capabilities.
So as you can see there is simply no reasonable objection to
be made here. Let's move on.
With so much talk about zombie preparedness, I'm surprised
more people don't plan on tossing a Bible in their apocalypse go bag. You'll at
least want one to get the skinny on the Old & New Testament all-stars that
I would take into battle against the undead any day.
So here it is, a zombie survival crew of biblical proportions
1
Moses—Obvious choice. He's a natural
leader and isn't afraid to bludgeon evil people. And he did all that work in
homemade sandals. I can't even imagine what would happen if the leader of the
Exodus got hold of some Nike shoes.
2
Lazarus—I'm referring to post-brought
back from the dead Lazarus. First of all, if anybody can get inside the head of
dead people it's Laz. Secondly, he's probably a pretty fearless dude since he's
already been dead once and all.
3
Jael—You may not remember this woman
from Judges 4, but if they had made movies during Old Testament times then Jael
would've played Sarah Connor in the Terminator films. When she found a villain
named Sisera hiding in her tent she put him to sleep twice—once for a nap and
once for good. Know how she killed him? By driving a nail through his head and
pegging him to the ground. I need a woman like this if zombies come.
Samson—ALL DAY. Have you seen this
guy's fighting résumé? The guy ripped a lion apart with his bare hands and
killed 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. What?! He was the Chuck
Norris of ancient Hebrews.
Luke—We're gonna need a doctor. Plus I
just really like Luke.
6
Peter—Always bold and ready to go.
Hopefully I don't have too many leaders or "cooks in the kitchen" as
they say. Speaking of cooks, Peter's fisherman abilities would make for some
good eating in a post-fast food world.
7
David—You HAVE to have David. He's
tough and brave and knows how to fight hordes of enemies. I should point out
the potential for jealousy here because if any lady survivors do end up under
our protection I'm guessing that they'll flirt with David instead of me, but
I'm willing to deal with that as long as he brings his "A" game.
Jonah—Let me preface this by saying
that I love the story of Jonah and can unfortunately relate to his disobedient,
pouting ways. I hope he hangs in there with me, but if we get in a tight spot
I'm thinking he'd let me and Jael toss him to the zoms just like he let those
sailors toss him overboard. That will buy us some time. He's kind of a fatalist
at times anyway and that can bring down overall group morale. And if things do
go all bad we can delude ourselves into believing that he could survive in the
belly of a zombie since the whole "I got swallowed by a big fish and
lived" thing worked out.
What biblical characters would you take on your zombie survival crew?
Clay Morgan is a writer,
teacher, and speaker from Pittsburgh, PA who blogs about pop culture, history, and the meaning of life at
ClayWrites.com. He is the author of Undead: Revived, Resuscitated, and Reborn about zombies,
God, and what it means to be truly alive.
