Monday, January 19, 2009

Did She Break Up With U?

The nice thing about G-mail is the advertisements targeted toward... me! I was surprised to see the title at the top of the page that said "Did She Break Up With U?" The "U" gave it that sad text-message look. The name of the website revealed that they could help me get my ex-girlfriend back! Years too late, of course, for me and for her (and her and her and her... good grief, did they all break up with me?)

The tagline for the advertisement said,
Stop Searching For Sad Love Songs. Get Her Back Now With These 6 Tips.

Now I was laughing out loud. Some pour schmuck got broken up with and is searching for sad songs on the internet and now some Evil Genius is going to try to GET MONEY OFF HIM while he's down. KICK HIM, KICK HIM WHILE HE'S DOWN!

I couldn't take it. I had to click on the link and hear the sales pitch. And here's what I heard (sales pitch in blue, followed by my thoughts):

"MEN ONLY: Learn How to Get Your
Girlfriend Back Into Your Arms — Even

If Your Situation Seems Hopeless..."

Awwww, how sweet! He just wants to get her back in his arms. He's surfing the net, looking for sad songs and thinking, "If only I could get her back in my arms." This nameless guy is starting to just make me sad.

If you've broken up with your girl and have tried everything to get her back... yet failed, then this FREE report will be the most valuable thing you read all year.

This is a pretty bold promise. More important than the directions on my tax return? More important than the booklet that tells me which transmission fluid to put in my car? More important than the words upon my barbecue that teach me how to insert the gas container without blowing myself up? I am suddenly looking forward to my FREE report!

Inside you'll discover...

  • The 2 "tricks" you must never try with your ex (these will push her away to the point of no return)
Oooh! I know this one! The first trick is the Pick Up A Skanky Girl at a Party and Flaunt Her In Front of Your Ex to Make Her Jealous. Rarely works. And the second trick is the Drunken, Blubbering Phone Call Saying I Love You Forever Come Back to Me Baby. This one only works if you time it for when she, also, is drunk.
  • How many days does it take to get a girl back? Finally, a straight answer you can live with
Twelve days, three hours, fourteen minutes.
  • Are you still friends with your ex? Discover exactly what you stand to gain (and lose) with this arrangement
Gain: A friend. Lose: a friend.
  • The slight change in your approach that leaves her begging to be with you (this is so simple yet all guys overlook it)
All guys overlook it. Hmmm. Must be... memorizing scenes from Pride and Prejudice. That's all I can come up with.
  • Why the pain you're feeling right now is killing your chances of getting her back (and how to turn it off like a light switch)
It's not the pain killing your chances of getting her back, it's your incessant sobbing whenever she is around. You're a downer, man. It's like watching a marathon of Russian movies. One is okay, but it has to be every time with you. Be a sitcom for ten minutes.

How to turn it off like a light switch: cigarettes.
  • The 1 thing you must never tell a girl after a breakup... find out if you've already made this mistake and how to correct it before it's too late...
The one thing I must never tell a girl is... uhhhhh. Crap. I have no idea. I was dating you to get close to your sister? I bet that would wreck things. As for correcting it, I find a simple Just Kidding! does the trick (best said immediately after the sister comment).

Send for this FREE report now... simply enter your First Name and a valid Email Address below, then click the ‘FREE Instant Access’ button and this report will be sent to your inbox immediately...

Wait a minute... this whole thing is free? Hold on. This sounds like a trick. Is this website run by ex-girlfriends? Is this a cruel hoax? Poor sad Ex-Boyfriend. Must she use him so terribly?

I HATE spam with a passion - your Email address will never be shared with anyone else.

Wow. You feel strongly about spam. Good for you. I wonder though, what if my ex were to write you and ask if I had been trying to get back together and she lost my email address... would you share it with her? Because that would be okay.

To Your Relationship,
Dr. George Karanastasis

Karanastasis? KARANASTASIS? It aaaaaaaaaall makes sense now. Dr. K is Greek. Like me. Wily Dr. Karanastasis.

Here's my guess: Dr. K's girlfriend broke up with him. He applied his superior intellect to figuring out how to get her back. He realized that gifts and kind comments would only push her away. His best bet was to become an online relationship guru so that women would always be saying things like, "I wish my boyfriend would listen to Dr. K." Then Dr. K's (ex) girlfriend would hear about it and be, like, "Hey, Dr. K used to be my boyfriend" and she would call him up and say Hey do you want to get together for coffee.

No, he would say, my own pamphlets suggest it would be an unwise boundary to cross. Should I risk my heart being broken again for one cup of steaming java?

Fine, she will say, let's get married then, and you can take me out for a cup of coffee in Hawaii on our Honeymoon.

Play it cool, thinks Dr. K, and he does, and pretty soon they are in Maui, married, musing over mochas.

You really are an expert, Dr. K. Well done, sir, well done.