A Pox on Early Clappers

I have noticed with some dismay a recent and disturbing trend of early clappers. Perhaps you have sat in front of these individuals. These are the people who CLAP CLAP CLAP a moment too early. Perhaps the song is still being sung. Or the speaker is on her next-to-last word. It is distracting. It is annoying. It is a desperate ploy for attention. It is disrespectful. It gives the impression of a cloying, fawning sycophant.

Clapping, as we all know, is meant to be a frightening show of solidarity. It is--as the picture above can attest--a terribly serious business that will not allow for smiling or individuality.

If one must be an individual when clapping, here are some suggested techniques that are more acceptable and less revoltingly servile:

1) Simply do not clap.

2) Try to be the last person to clap rather than the first. (Note: clapping for more than ten claps after the penultimute clapper will give an impression of sarcasm. Use this wisely.)

3) As a variation on #1, do not clap, furrow your brow, scowl, hunch your shoulders and cross your arms.

4) Emit a piercing whistle just as the clapping is ending.

5) Stand-- as if for a standing ovation-- but stop your hands ten centimeters before they come together. This is called "phantom clapping". It is most effective if your hands are held over your head so that people can tell you are not actually clapping. If an entire audience partakes of this terrible criticism of a performer it is referred to as "a standing no-vation."

6) Snap your fingers instead of clapping.

7) Clap your neighbor's hand.

8) Stay home, alone. Clap every time you hear the word "allergy" on the television.

9) Clap only when you see clearly marked "APPLAUSE" signs.

Until everyone knows someone in South Carolina who really knows Jesus

Our good friend Taylor wants to know:

Does anyone at the BHR know anyone who loves Jesus in South Carolina? She has students going to Myrtle Beach who need a church.

You can leave her a message on her blog, or leave a message here and I will forward it to her.

Yes, it appears BHR is now a message board. Carry on, minions.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Nine)

Dedicated to the young woman at the park, whose Rottweiler was nearly as large as her and was tethered to her by a vicious choke chain. Also dedicated to the large and well-meaning woman who sat on a nearby blanket. And lastly, to those sweet, misunderstood, gentle giants: the Rottweilers.

Young woman (speaking to my daughter, A): You can pet the dog if you would like to. He's very nice and he loves children.

(My daughter stands as far away from the dog as her short little arms will allow, stretches out her hand and brushes her fingertips against the dog's haunches.)

Blanket woman: It's a shame that people train Rottweilers to be guard dogs. They can be such sweet, nice dogs.

Young woman: I know. Those people give Rottweilers a bad reputation.

Blanket woman: Training those dogs to attack people, it's just too bad. They seem so sweet and loving.

Young woman: And it's not like they even need training. Our dog tries to kill the mailman every time he delivers the mail. They are natural protectors.

(A small, black dog wanders over to meet the Rottweiler. The Rottweiler goes for the little dog, intending--so far as I can tell--to eviscerate it and feast upon its entrails.)

Young woman (Yanking with all her strength on the choker): NO! DOWN! DOWN NOW!

A New and Noteworthy Blog

I am extremely pleased to announce that my lovely wife Krista has at long last started her own blog. It's called Blue Sky, and I know you will like what she has to share. Enjoy!

Big chicken

For all my friends who are coming back to America right now: this is the key moment in current U.S. culture. It's more important than DaVinci Code, the X-Men and Mission:Impossible combined. And it's so spicy!

Also, in case you don't know, "hucking" is a slag term used in various extreme sports. It seems to have a reasonably wide semantic range. I've seen it used referring to big jumps on a bike, to throwing a bike around, and even to skiiers going off large cliffs. But I think the best definition is to watch this video.

Louck out!

Our good buddy Kerri has started a blog! Hooray! Everyone is starting blogs. Right, Carolyn Culbertson?

The Tent

There's a new devotional over at GNW Stinters.

It's about tents.

Comedic Genius?

I was suprised to discover while at the video store this weekend that Will Ferrel is a "comedic genius." I was doubly suprised when I watched the movie (the newest version of "The Producers") which was lacking any real spark of comedy. Yes, Will Ferrel is funny. I have laughed out loud while watching him. No doubt some of you are laughing right now and thinking, "You know what the Burning Hearts Revolution needs? MORE COWBELL!" And you are right, so right. But is Ferrel a comedic genius? Not according to my definition.

Clearly the people writing on the back of video boxes are using the most permissive definition of genius, which would merely mean, "someone who is sort of good at something." I prefer a more restrictive definition, something along the lines of "someone whose IQ is at or above 140." Of course, real traditionalists prefer the extremely limited definition of "a tutelary or guardian spirit" (i.e. a genie or jinni).

Fitting my definition of genius would be (among others): Steve Martin, Geena Davis and Sharon Stone. As you can see, being a genius does not mean that you will choose wisely when choosing films to star in. Steve Martin, of course, is forgiven for any bad movie he has played in just because of the good ones, which are very good.

And, for the traditionalist, Robin Williams could be referred to as a "genius" purely on the strength of his performance in "Aladdin."

In conclusion, I would like to say:

Tell us we will die like dogs.

You will die like dogs.

NO! WE WILL FIGHT LIKE LIONS!

Free (NEW) Switchfoot song

My lovely wife points out that Switchfoot is giving out a free download of "Daylight to Break", a song from their new album due at the end of the year. It's pretty darn good.

Sacred Space

I've included a link at the right for Sacred Space, a prayer site run by the Jesuits.

It's basically a meditation site that will walk you through a few "centering" techniques, after which a brief passage of scripture will come up for you to dwell on and consider, listening for a message from God. I've found it, at times, a very profound and interesting experience.

At the same time I should point out that it is, after all, a Jesuit (i.e. Catholic) website, as I know not all of you revolutionists are, in fact, Catholic, as I am not Catholic. With rare exceptions this site is not pushing a certain theology, it's merely providing a framework for prayer and listening to God.

Monkeys on Ice

One of our ace reporters sent me this link to more monkey news. Our reporter has requested anonymity, so I shall say nothing other than, "Well done, good and faithful journalist."

And just remember: if a monkey is chasing you, you really can't escape them. Not by climbing a tree. Not by running out on a frozen lake. They are an unstoppable menace.

First Friday

The first Friday of every month the Burning Hearts Revolution is signed on to host the first chapter of a published novel. This month it's "Deliver Us from Evelyn" by Chris Well. You can read it below. Enjoy!

First Chapter: Deliver Us From Evelyn

This post used to be the first chapter of Chris Well's book, "Deliver Us From Evelyn." You can find all of Chris's work available for purchase here.

Not as Smart as I thought I was

I had a few spare moments today (we all, after all, need to "use the potty"), so I thought I would start one of my new books. I am, as you all know, an insufferable snob about fiction. I can hardly stand myself. I mostly like literature as opposed to, you know, what normal people read. Popular fiction. Don't get me wrong, I read the occasional "book for the beach" but what I really like is a good literary novel.

So, I started reading Europe Central. I read, in fact, the whole first chapter. And all I can say is, whoa. What the heck? I have no idea what is happening. As near as I can tell the author is setting up a metaphor in which there is a switchboard somewhere that you can listen in to what is happening all over the world during World War II (Or, as I like to say just to tick everyone off, World War 2). Then I started looking through the book for some dialogue and I couldn't find *any*. EIGHT HUNDRED AND THIRTY-TWO PAGES and not a single line of dialogue. Well, actually, there is quite a bit but it appears the author has an aversion to quotation marks. One probably "bit" him when he was a child. Oy vey. I am not cut out for this, I thought to myself.

So I decided I would try, instead, Haroun and the Sea of Stories. Now this is more like it! It's accessible and funny (I laughed out loud twice in the first ten pages or so). I'll let you know how it turns out, if it's worth a read all the way to the end. And, I'll set "Europe Central" into that pile for books I intend to read when I live in a foreign country and have limited choice and unlimited literary patience.

In case of emergency....

As we're driving Z starts suddenly volunteering arcane knowledge she learned in school:

Z: A cucmber turns into a pickle if you put it in a jar!

Me: Is that right?

Z: If you call the number 911 then the ambulances, the police and the fire people come.

Me: Wow. Where did you learn this?

Z: School.

And now my other daughter, A, gets involved.

A: 323!

Me: What happens if you call 323?

A: Horses will come!

Surreal Moment of the Day

Standing in the middle of the road near my house was a three-legged dog. He was missing the entire front left leg. As I drove nearer I realized there was another dog lounging around on the street about three feet behind him. As I drove past them the second dog stood up and I could clearly see that he, too, was a three-legged dog. His back right leg was missing. And then they both tripoded off down the sidewalk.

New Devotional

There's a new devotional up over at the gnwstinters site. Check it out if you have the time.

Writing update

I worked on my novel this weekend in my free time and I wrote THIRTY PAGES. I was very pleased with this. If I could do this every weekend it would only take me ten weeks to finish a draft. But that's not going to happen. Oh well.

The last novel I wrote (which is not very good) was a fantasy. This one is a thriller/mystery. It's more fun so far, overall. I told Krista I would actually finish this one. I have nine chapters of a young adult novel written that will probably never see the light of day again, and the first 2-3 chapters of various things. But this one... this one I'm going to finish. In fact, I'm going to beat this thing to pieces with the keyboard until someone pays me for it. Then... I will rule! Muaha ha ahhahahaahaaaa.

Bored

I'm getting tired of the colors on my blog. So if you like the green look give it a fond farewell. It should only take me nine or ten days to figure out what to do to change it.

Forgiving Solomon Long

I just finished reading Forgiving Solomon Long this morning. The author, Chris Well, is one of a growing number of Christian authors trying to make it worth your while to walk into a Christian book store.

I was suprised by the novel, which had bits of characterization, themes and plot points lifted from Shakespeare, while gangsters, cops and others are debating comic books, musicals, and so on. I can honestly say I've never read a book quite like it, certainly not from the Christian book store.

What I found most interesting about the novel was looking at it as an experiment in stretching the boundaries of the Christian fiction genre.
It was well worth the time for this alone. It's nice to see our brothers in the revolution going forth.

I could go on for a while but I know how tired you all get of my blabbing, so this Friday we'll give you a little taste of Chris' writing, and you can judge for yourself. I'll be posting the entire first chapter of his second novel, Deliver Us from Evelyn that day. It's part of a new little something called "First Friday" where on the first Friday of each month we'll get a sneak peek at the first chapter of various people's novels (of course with their permission).

If you would like to post a chapter of Chris' novel on Friday, let me know and I'll get you the info so you can be part of "First Friday" too.