Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star Reviews for Orwell's "Animal Farm"

It's time once again for that old favorite, Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon! This week's one star reviews come for George Orwell's Animal Farm. Animal Farm is a satire, a fairy tale, a farce and a fable all rolled into one, and all aimed at criticizing Stalin. It's a classic in every sense of the word, and thus many kids across the Western world have been forced to read it in English class in high school.

It's the story of a farm where the pigs take over, form a philosophy and build a collective among the other animals. Eventually, the power goes to the pigs' heads and they start acting like humans, lording it over the animals and making a farm environment that is much worse than anything the animals experienced under the humans.

BUT, let's be clear, just because a book is a classic doesn't mean it's safe from ONE STAR REVIEWS! Let's take a look now.

Our first review comes from G. Barnes "Geoff" of Pittsburgh, PA. 

Seriously, this book is way too scary! I gave it to my 10-year-old to read and he was scared because of all the totalitarianism LOL! DO NOT READ!

Hey! Don't read this! Totalitarianism is scary. Read something a little less terrifying, like a Stephen King novel.

Let's see if we can get any more insight into this topic by reading a review by a kid:

This book sucks so bad I couldn't even get through it. I quit reading it before chapter three. I would not recommend this book to anyone you will waste your time and in the end or whenever you throw it away you'll be asking yourself who would write a book with talking animals?

Kid. You have clearly not been paying attention during bedtime. There are approximately a billion books with talking animals.

My favorite reviews often come from "A Customer".... Amazon's equivalent of an anonymous reviewer. Let's see what this anonymous reviewer had to say about Animal Farm: 

This is exactly the kind of book our government wants to force people to read, so they hand it to schools, and try to force us to read it. This book was written by a insane man named George Orwell, who hated society, and displayed that by bashing humanity, and making people look like lower lifeforms than animals. To be honest I think this man is crazy and needs to be locked up.

Well, good news A Customer: Orwell is dead. No need to lock him up. Unless you knew he was dead and thought we should still lock him up, in which case, it shouldn't be too hard to find him. Also, I think it's charming that you think that The Government wants you to read a book about the dangers of government run amuck. 

"Orwell" was his pen name. He really is dead.
No conspiracy theories, please.

Speaking of government. I'm pretty sure this book is the fault of the liberals. Let's see what "LDS MARINE" has to say about that. 

Its is so annoying to see liberals writing books in politics, and i dont care who they attack- Liberals hate everybody else. Stupid guy had to express his feelings and whine about Russia. 

I -- I'm not sure what to say. STUPID LIBERALS WHO ARE AGAINST COMMUNISM! Wow. I think that LDS MARINE is giving us a whole new conception of "conservative."

Come on, liberals are people, too, LDS MARINE. And we ALL love Justin Bieber.

http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com

Just once I'd like to see a review by someone who is well reasoned and intelligent. Perhaps this next one, since it's from someone who has the name "Jedi Smart."

Read something happier like, oh I don't know, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It's amd excellent read, and with the Holidays coming up, everyone wants to feel happy.

Oh, never mind. Anyway, it's a bit confusing since Harry Potter got its own share of one star reviews. 

Hey, if we're not going to get intelligent, well-reasoned reviews, let's just bring the crazy. Maybe Cathy Taurine of Illinois can help:

Did Al Gore direct this? I was just you know, curious because the animals are talking and stuff and they even have like, this hierarchy of power and things don't make sense like that. This is an anti goverment film but all I hear is Total arin ism which gets to be useful when instilled in the drinking water of places like Africa. Well we gave them animals to eat and they just turned them loose in fields and never fed them and they died. This book is co-written I think by Gore and Moore, but who knows I mean anymore you cannot figure out who is who, but I am Cathy and I escaped from Taurine and this is my review of Animal Farm. Oh, and even if you give a pig pickles it will still attack you if it is hungry!

Okay, okay, that was a little too far into crazy town, even for me. 

"FOR THE LAST TIME I DID NOT WRITE ANIMAL FARM!"

Let's take a look at a classic one star review, and definitely my favorite one for Animal Farm. This comes from Claude Rutabega.  Let's see what Claude has to say:

Of all the things I have ever read! What a terrible and unrealistic story. I mean, how can animals talk? I have a parrot that talks but not in complete sentences. And besides the pigs run the show in this and if it really happened the cats would run things because everyone knows that cats are born leaders. Anyway, I wouldn't reccomend this book to my worst enemy. I read this book to my nephew, Simon and he started crying and now he is afraid of pigs and horses because he says that they will rise up and establish a totalitarianist state and will rule over us. Ughhhh! It gives me a head ache.

Ha ha ha. Oh, Claude. You have brought us around again to the main point of this post: Children are afraid of totalitarianism. And don't worry. I am almost certain that if pigs were to rise up and take over the world, kitties would be freedom fighters. THEY WOULD FIND A WAY TO SAVE US!

Well, kids, if you're afraid of totalitarianism and it's keeping you up at night, maybe you need some one star reviews to make you laugh and keep you happy. Here are some here:

One star reviews for:

Where the Wild Things Are

Moby Dick

Romeo and Juliet

The works of Flannery O'Connor

The Fellowship of the Ring

East of Eden

OR, just read them all. I'm not insisting you do this, because this isn't a totalitarianism blog. But if it were, and if you disobeyed me, let's just say you'd be getting a ride in the "veterinary hospital" van.

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One star reviews for Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar

If you're like me, Eric Carle painted paper animals into your childhood. I always liked the very hungry caterpillar, who ate his way through leaves, apples, pie, pizza, ice cream and so on before spinning a cocoon and becoming a butterfly. One of the things that interested me most was the fact that each page had a small hole in it for the caterpillar to go through. I always thought that was neat.

BUT NOT NEAT ENOUGH TO PREVENT ONE STAR REVIEWS ON AMAZON!

That's right kids, it's time for Ridiculous One Star Reviews of Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar !

First, a one star review from Libby O'Connor of Borneo! She has this to say:

A beautifully illustrated book based on poor scientific knowledge. Butterflies do not come from cocoons - moths do. When butterfly caterpillars pupate, they do not spin silk to make a cocoon. If you want your child to learn inaccurate science, use this book with them.

Great point, Libby! Another scientific inaccuracy: Caterpillars don't eat hot dogs! They have more than six feet (or less than six feet? Do they have feet?)! They don't have green eyes! Or noses? It's like this book isn't even designed to be a science text! RIDICULOUS! MY CHILDREN SHALL NEVER SEE THIS! I suppose they'll have to be satisfied with the Darwin's Origin of the Species pop up book I bought for them.

Whew. I can see Libby's point. Let's move on to S. Dragun of the good old U.S.A. and see what he has to say!

With "a Very Hungry Caterpillar", I was expecting something alot more grand given all the raving reviews and positive aggregate. 

What I got instead was a book that failed to satisfy any of the senses or tastes of the refined individual. 

The plot was much too simplistic, and offered nothing to those looking forward to a daring plot on metamorphic themes and evolution between various stages of life. instead, the writing style was atrocious, most likely to appeal to a sophomoric audience, and the novel began as soon as it ended. 

As far as the illustrations, they seem to be little more than paper mache and have no real skill or artistic merit. I have seen better drawings from a child, and drawings that carried more of a better synthesis between plot and picture. 

If you are a more mature reader and are actually looking for a decent work of fiction, I highly recommend Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis.

Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Nice one! S. Dragun, I like you. I suppose next week will have to be one star reviews of Kafka's Metamorphosis. Which, I think Libby would like to point out, is not a scientifically accurate description of cockroaches or Russia.


And now, our last review, slightly edited to make it family friendly for all those families who like to sit around the breakfast table, reading my blog aloud over the roar of Rice Krispies. This one comes from the infamous "A Customer." 

This book has to be one of the greatest sagas ever told, the story of a caterpillar who eats his way to becoming a beautiful butterfly. I think it's a story we can all relate to. 

I'm going to give it one star anyway because I just stubbed my toe really hard and d*** it, I blame this book.

I'm giving a one star review to every book in my house. Especially the ones in my kids' room. 


Alright, everyone, that brings us to the end of another week's Ridiculous Reviews on Amazon. If you're still hungry for more, feel free to chomp your way right through a whole series of Ridiculous Reviews! 

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star Reviews for Maurice Sendak's "Where The Wild Things Are."

You probably heard the sad news yesterday that the beloved children's author, Maurice Sendak, passed away at the age of 83. Best known for his fantastic children's books, especially Where the Wild Things Are, which won the Caldecott Medal and has encouraged children everywhere to put on their wolf suits when they get angry. It's a whimsical, crazy, surreal, beautiful story about parents and the enduring nature of parental love even in the midst of temper tantrums and runaway kids, and it's also about kids and the bizarre places a child's mind can go in the midst of confusing emotional situations. It's beautifully illustrated, simply written and a classic for a good reason.

Which can mean only one thing: It's time for us to look at Ridiculous One Star Reviews for Maurice Sendak's Where The Wild Things Are! I have my wolf suit and my angry face on. Let's do this!

Okay, let's warm up with a review from "cspring." 

did not enjoy. wish i could just assign a star rating without writing a thesis as to why scary looking lions, monkeys are not that great for 3 year olds

Huh. That's weird. It seems to me that you just did! 

Also. I would like to talk about some zoology with you. 

The creature pictured above, my friend, is not a lion. As you can see, it has three horns. It is a whimsical children's illustration. REAL lions only have two horns. See there, you learn something new every day!

Now, let's see what "A Customer" has to say in his one star review, entitled "The Most Overrated Creepy Children's Book of the Century":

....- suddenly, those monsters were fleshed out for me, thanks to Sendak and his scary illustrations. This book creeps me out to this day. Those ugly monsters with their pointy little fangs, claws and horns are nasty looking. I have mentioned this book to my friends and they all agreed with me: this story is not for children.

 So. Let me paraphrase your review: I bought the book "Where the Wild Things Are," which had monsters on the cover. When I opened the book I was disappointed to discover that not only is the book full of Wild Things, but also creepy monsters. I much prefer this other book I bought, "Where the Cute Fluffy Bunnies Are." Except for all the bunnies. That is going too far. 

"I am quite put out," said Maxine. "About my mother."
At which the bunny rolled its terrible eyes and chomped its
horrible buck teeth and said, "I shall eat
carrots for dinner!" And Maxine said, "NO!"

Here's another review from "A Customer":

This book is inappropriate for my four year old. I don't understand how this book is on the best seller's list. The illustrations are scary for young children. The educational value of this book is very negative. Instead of teaching of self discipline and respect for authority, this book promotes disobedience and violence. I know, for years, it has received glowing reviews. I disagree with all of them. This book entered the trash can the day it entered our home.

Wait. Children's books are meant to educate us in self-discipline and respect for authority?

Okay. I can retell the story that way. 

"The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another. His mother said, 'Stop making mischief.' Then Max said, 'Yes, ma'am' and did precisely that. He waited in the corner until his dinner was ready. And it was still hot." 

Can someone draw a picture of Max sitting in the corner, properly chastened? About twenty times? Thanks!

Our next, genuinely creepy review comes from Cliff "Cliff" Newman from "Pluto." He titles his review, "ho hum."

hoping the movie is better.think the book was written for someone MUCH younger.having had the most dangerous job in the world for 30 years, the book was a LITTLE slow.if I meet an interesting young boy, I will give him the book.the idea from [in] the book is mind opening.for a kid anyway.having been shot 12 times, my mind was already opened too far.

 Cliff? Um. Please don't give the copy of your book to any young children. I think maybe you should stay away from them. No, really. Ew. You're giving me the creeps. 

Our last --  and I have to say my favorite -- one star review of Where the Wild Things Are comes from Django Hulphers, who said: 

To be fair, it does speak to the plight of the Guatemalan coffee farmer peasantry in an age of increasing colonialism and diminishing resources. That being said, though, the central premise, while eloquently stated, is grossly undermined by the frailty (and ultimate solipsism) of its inherent tenets. Where The Wild Things Are should leave its childish and immature "darkness" behind and get with the program. Have we lost sight of normalcy? What's wrong with being a good American kid?!

Django, I, uh... um. I... wow. I guess I didn't see that one coming. So... Max is the Guatemalan coffee farmer? No. I think he would be the Colonialist coming across the sea and setting himself up as king. And then when the Guatamalans threaten to, uh, eat the Colonialist he goes home to mommy.

I'm just not sure I'm getting it. I'll need to re-read the book and specifically look for the, um, solipsism and inherent tenets. And stuff.

Think I'm making all this up? Nope. They're real reviews and you can see them in all their glory here.

Want to read more insane reviews about classic books? Then BE STILL and LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!

Top 5 favorite posts of April

Here are last month's top five most popular posts, born as wee crying babes into the cold hard light of the Internet:

1)  Ridiculous One Star Reviews for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. In which I share stupid reviews about how the first Harry Potter books is only worth one star out of five.

2) Advice for the Lovelorn. In which I reveal the way to tell a boy you love him.

3) Downton Arby's. In which Downtown Abby is spoofed by a sandwich shop.

4) Books I got at Q. In which I share the books I got at Q.

5) Ridiculous One Star Reviews for William Golding's Lord of the Flies. In my opinion, anyone who gives this book one star should be shipwrecked on an island with all the other reviewers and six copies of Lord of the Flies.

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star reviews for J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

My kids have read all seven of the Harry Potter novels multiple times. That, by itself, is not to say that my children are the guardians of excellent literature. Their appreciation of Steinbeck, for instance, is not at the level I think Steinbeck deserves.

However, I will say that I think it's clear that a book like Rowling's, that creates its own worldwide market, deserves more than one star. It's written well enough, fun to read, and kids love it. Lots of adults love it, too, of course.

I trust I don't need to introduce the plot and ideas behind Harry Potter. But I do need to introduce: RIDICULOUS ONE STAR REVIEWS FOR Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone !

First off, a one star review from Knotenufthyme of Garden City, New Jersey, who says, "Perhaps HP is too profound for me."

I do not consider myself to be one of the intelligencia, nor do I consider myself to be as well-read as I'd like to be, however.......Then again, I never understood the Pokemon phenomenon either. Big budget marketing is all I can think of to create such hype. I do, however, find the covers of the books to be very attractive. All marketing related toys and paraphenalia are very attractively packaged as well and seem to be of good quality. Perhaps this is what draws the kids? Can this possibly be the reason why adults enjoy the books as well?

This is an excellent point. Perhaps the books are popular because of the attractively packaged toys. No, wait. The toys were as a result of the movies. Which came about because of the popularity of the books, which means... which means that the popularity of Harry Potter must have something to do with Pokemon?

Noooooooooooooooo!

 As reviewer Spazzer said in his one star review, "I appreciate her creativity, but there are authors that can write much better than this.*ANIME ROCKS!*"


Now. Here's a review that attacks the underlying philosophies of Harry Potter's world:

Unlike the more mature fantasies of C.S. Lewis's classic Narina books or King and Straub's Talisman which depict schools as deadening embodiments of progressive aridity Rowling show's them as portals to enchantment rather then as an evil to escape from, something which underscores her "hero's" essential preppy sensibility & vapidity.

Boooo! School is the worst! Any book which shows school as fun must be destroyed. BURN THEM BURN THEM! Kill the preppies!

Ahem.

You know, the book might get more stars if it highlighted the other interesting characters in the book instead of Harry. For instance:

I don't know what to rate this book. It's not the best, and the best character, i believe, is actually HEDWIG!!!! I really do love hedwig, and i'm glad that JK Rowling made her up because the book would be NOTHING.  i resent this book except for the parts with hedwig because a mail-carrying owl is so much more magical than the beginning of the book, even though the beginning IS magical. (I was even hedwig for halloween)!
 I despise this book, and i only recommend it if you enjoy leafing through the book and finding lovely parts about hedwig. I still think HEDWIG is the best character, and all the humans are just...mostly fake. The movies have done a good job transforming this book into something that everyone is crazy about.
 (Hedwig fanatic, signing off!!!)

I guess that would be okay. The story of a bunch of owls fighting injustice or something.

And now, everyone's favorite reviewer, A Customer!

Another point that bothers me is that the point of view never, ever shifts. It is all about Harry...Harry walked down the hall...Harry saw the troll...Harry this, and Harry that. What about that Draco kid? Why doesn't the author ever put anything in his perspective? Why can't the readers opt to know how he is feeling? Why does everything need to be about Harry? And if the author is going to center the whole entire series on one person, at least they would add what he is actually thinking to the literature! It's called italics. Please....

I mean, really! It's like this whole book is about Harry. Yawn. She might as well have called it "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" instead of, uh, something without Harry's name in the title.  A little warning that Harry Potter would be the main character might have been nice.

Thomas from Europe says:

The style of H.Potter is , let's say simple.
 The dialogues are at best ridiculous.
The plot ... well there is no plot to speak of. 
The characters are a mix of Donald Duck, Big Bad Wolf and Peter Pan.

Remember that one scene where Harry Potter is like, hey, let's try and stop Voldemort but then Donald Duck discovers there are chipmunks living in the Gryffindor dorm rooms and he gets really mad and starts quacking and the Big Bad Wolf tries to blow in past the magical defenses but Peter Pan comes and flies Harry away to Neverland so he won't have to go back to his Aunt and Uncle's house? I totally do.

Two more and we're done. First, Gaby says,

Book came with weird smell and didn't include the cover on my hard-covered book. Will be sending back for a refund/exchange.

And lastly, winning the prize for "a review that cleverly also reviews my own intelligence," A Customer says:

"This book is as thick as my head."

 I know this post was probably hard for a lot of the Potter fans out there, so let me close with this, to help restore your faith in humanity:

 Check out the magic of an unending string of sequels to Ridiculous One Star Reviews from Amazon here. IF YOU DARE!

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star reviews for William Golding's Lord of the Flies

Over 140 people have given Lord of the Flies  a one star review. 140.



I love this book. I somehow missed reading it until after college, when I ran across it in the library of the high school where I taught. I remember being badly creeped out by the description of the beast on the beach, and amazed at the vividness of the scenes as well as the action. C.S. Lewis described the imagery as "hallucinogenic." That's about right.


It is, essentially, the story of a group of boys shipwrecked on an island, and how their human nature takes over and things go as things will... they take their first steps toward forming a society, and all that entails. Which, of course, leads to violence and power struggles.


It's an amazing book. But that doesn't stop it from getting OVER 140 ONE STAR REVIEWS!


Blow the conch shell, my friends! It's time! For Ridiculous One Star Reviews on Amazon for William Golding's LORD OF THE FLIES!

Before we tread too far, we should make sure what we're getting into. A reviewer named limmortal has a warning for us in a review titled, "Lord of the Flies" Sinks. AAAAAH we're sinking, we're sinking!

This is the only book I've ever read that I actively dislike. I'd be tempted to say that it's an accursed book

Beware, my friends! For the book which we are discussing today is... possibly accursed!


One of the common objections to the book is that Golding misunderstands human nature. Or children. Or teenagers. "Stranded kids wouldn't turn violent or harass one of the other children." Especially not a poor sweet fat kid. Here's a typical example:

 _Lord of the Flies_ is, we are told, a novel about human beings and their nature. It's a shame we see so few human beings in the book. Golding seems to see savagery as the natural and instinctive state of humanity, a position that's logically untenable (if this was the "natural" way, exactly how did we acquire civilization at all, let alone keep it long enough to develop the printing press necessary to spread such [negativity]?)

Now, read this excerpt from a reviewer who is named A KID'S REVIEW. 

My favorite chapter in this book would definitely be the first chapter when the kids are introduced on the island. There was this one kid that everyone had called piggy. To me that is the funniest thing in the world. I don't know why but the humiliation of another kid is extremely hilarious. It may seem cruel but to me it's funny.

Hmmm. I can't imagine A KID'S REVIEW thinking it would be funny to put together a mock hunt for Piggy in the jungle, then getting overly serious about it. 

Now we turn to our favorite one star reviewer A CUSTOMER who had this to say:

This book was very disturbing, sick and wrong. Other than the fact that it was very boring and lost my attention, it also very much revolved around murder, cruelty, and other acts of meanness in the second half in the book.

This would be a good movie trailer. MURDER! CRUELTY! BOREDOM! Those words fit together so well.


The next reviewer has a different point of view. He titles his review, "Yow! Lots of people wrote stuff, huh?":

This book stunk. I believe that reality can have deeper meanings, but don't get to deep or you'll drown. The only time you can go that deep and not drown, is with drugs. I never thought Lord of the Flies would attract so many druggies.

Oh dear. I didn't think you would need to hear this, but you should not review books when intoxicated or under the influence of controlled substances. Please, people, review books responsibly. 


Finally, our last reviewer, who believes that this book is worth only one out of five stars and simply titled his review, "I didn't really like it." Here's a piece of advice for the author, Mr. Golding:

Mr. Golding is a very talented writer, but I don't think this was the best he could do.

Yeah! Try harder, Mr. Golding, you lazy author! All I can say is, I hope this reviewer doesn't end up stranded on a desert island with the author and a sharpened stick, as I'm guessing he'll discover just how hard Mr. Golding can try to do something. 


Ah. I think I hear a jet-powered future-boat arriving outside, as if a deus ex machina is the only way to make this savagery come to an end. 


Here are more Ridiculous One Star Reviews at battle for dominance.


QUESTION: What is your experience with the Lord of the Flies? Did you love it or hate it or something in between?

Ridiculous Reviews on Amazon: One Star Reviews for Homer's "The Odyssey"

Homer's Odyssey, written at least 2,500 years ago, continues to inspire and amaze its readers. The story of a man trying to return home after the Trojan War, it deals with issues of homecoming, betrayal, hospitality, family, identity, temptation and the relationship between the gods and humanity. It's a great story, beautifully told and has images and scenes that have become a common part of our cultural lexicon. But that doesn't mean it gets good reviews on Amazon (of course!). So, please prepare yourself for ONE STAR REVIEWS FOR HOMER'S ODYSSEY!

Today we have several reviews from the ever-popular "A Customer." Here's the first:

I pity all of those souls who have to endure reading this utter rubbish. Every time I attempt to read it, it puts my wee self to sleep. This book is so boring, and I can not fathom how people (even though if they are pretentious secondary school teachers or literature lecturers)can still find this enjoyable.

Ach no! His wee self has fallen asleep! Put him by the hearth and sing Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ra to him! We had hoped he might fall asleep, the poor little bairn.


Meanwhile, in a nearby classroom, a young lady is about to be sick!

I thought this story was very gross. I mean come on. We are having to read this book in freshman English. Actually our teacher reads it to us, but it is still disgusting. We are also having to watch the movie of this, talk about gruesome. It's like Scylla comes out of the water and chomps these people out of the ship and blood showers everywhere. I almost threw up every day when we watch this movie. We watch a little each day. I am over there about to puke up my toes and everybody else, all the boys anyway, are saying how cool it is. My boyfriend just laughs when I tell him I almost threw up in there, he is a freshman, so he has to watch it also. I'm sure he thinks it is awesome,but I don't. If you really like gory stories you will like it. If you don't then I wouldn't read it or watch the movie if I were you. I am not saying to listen to me, you can have your own opinion, I'm just saying I don't like it.

And, finally, Nick from Cleveland has this to say:

This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages. Homer taking all long to say stupid stuff. Teens if you are reading this all I have to say is CLIFF NOTES CLIFF NOTES you will pass the test, unless you are in AP classes. The teachers expect kids to read cliff notes trust me my moms a teacher. P.S this book SUCKS.

Oh, Nick from Cleveland. First of all, this book is only 352 pages long. Second, I'm not sure why Homer being blind has anything to do with your feelings about the length? Also... you might ask your mom to help you investigate "apostrophes" or, as I call them, "Sky Commas."

Now you can enjoy more Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon. If you dare!

And now, a brief photo montage of things inspired by Homer's Odyssey:

Top five posts in March

Here are the top 5 posts for the month of March:

Numero uno, a "Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon" piece about people who think Moby Dick deserves one star.

Number two, the post leading you all to my gospel "translations" on the Western Seminary blog. This is largely in part to a shout out from blogger and author, Rachel Held Evans. Thanks, Rachel!

Three, and I can only assume this is because of St, Patrick's Day, many people came to the blog wanting to read about "God, rainbows and leprechauns."

Fourth, a guest post from my friend and author Anna Broadway.

Lastly, the post about how Neal Patrick Harris shocked me by revealing that the Walt Disney Company does, indeed, have a sense of humor!

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star Reviews for MOBY DICK!

When I was a high school literature teacher and taught Moby Dick, I rearranged the desks in my room to look like a whaler's ship and then would allow the students to play out the end of the novel (*SPOILER*) and would allow one lucky student ("Captain Ahab") to spear me with a harpoon (the long stick used to open the impossible-to-reach windows in my classroom). Good times, good times.

Moby Dick was not universally lauded at its release, or anytime since. Its strong story about a man seeking revenge on the whale which maimed him, coupled with long chapters about the intricate details of whaling life, confused and frustrated many... an attempt to blend romanticism and realism that many saw as a failure.

Regardless, it's an amazing book and has eventually risen to a place as a recognized classic. You can buy it electronically for as cheap as free! You can, of course, buy an inexpensive paper version or a gigantic, pricey, super version of it that is nearly whale size.

As we all know around here at BHR, though, being a classic or a work of genius doesn't protect you from bad reviews. And not just four star "it wasn't my favorite" sort of reviews, but one star "I wouldn't use this book for toilet paper because the pages are much too rough" kind of reviews. Which -- I know you're excited -- means that it's time for: RIDICULOUS REVIEWERS ON AMAZON: ONE STAR REVIEWS FOR MOBY DICK!

Hooray!

Perhaps my favorite review, which reveals the angst of the poor student who has been forced to read a book for class, from B. Morse of Boston, MA:

Let the whale live....and kill me instead!

Oh, B. Morse. Someone hasn't gotten to the end of the book yet! I think you're assuming the whale dies. And you know what assuming does. That's why I always "Assue."

And now, our constant companion on the one-star journey: A Customer, who says "Moby Ick's more like it. A PIECE-O-TRASH! SENSELESS!

Moby Dick is the most BORING book I have ever read! I think if you made it into a short comic strip, you would have liked it. But this 550 page account called a novel? No way, man. I implore you, do NOT read this book. If it's required, then do so. But if you have other options, turn to those. We were given a list of books in English class, and I chose to read this. After a week, I was just in page 103. It was needed the next day, so I panicked and switched books, and bought War and Peace. And I finished that book in 8 hours of straight reading.

Dear A Customer. You couldn't read Moby Dick in a week, but you read War and Peace in eight hours? I don't believe it. When I was a literature teacher, I had a name for people like you. I called them "Liars." Here's what really happened: you got the Classics Illustrated Moby Dick, but realized that the signature style of artist Bill Sienkiewicz, while beautiful, did not tell the story in sufficient detail to keep you from having to read the captions. Frustrated, you bought the War and Peace mini-series, which is eight hours. Well, it's a little longer but you did watch eight hours of it. Did I get it right? Well, did I?

I really love this next one from Gracie Lou Freebush of Tomahawk, Georgia:

This book is HORRIBLE! Classic, my eye! I would love to know what's so great about this book. I have seen better writing in a Hallmark card! Boring! Give me a good ole copy of Elvis and Me! A true story that really tugs at your heart strings! I sleep with that one under my pillow! Keep Moby Dick away from my bed! This is the WORST book ever written,

I would also like to point out the phrase "Keep Moby Dick away from my bed" and make fun of it, but I don't have the strength.

Finally, I will end with this beautiful review from Cary of Yahoo, California.

 I hate Moby Dick. I hate Captain Ahab. I especially hate Herman Melville for writing this novel.

Yes, but how much do you hate them, Cary? Enough to leave your family and friends and possibly your sanity behind? Enough to take a shipload of men out into the briny deeps to try and find and kill Herman Melville? Are you willing to risk life and three limbs for it? WELL? ARE YOU?

I didn't think so. And that's why Herman Melville continues to haunt our literary oceans, unfettered and free, his whale song wafting to us across the centuries.

I have included this picture of the spirit of Herman Melville, for the sake of Cary and Gracie Lou Freebush:

That's it, folks. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy Moby Dick, or, if your heart can stand the pounding, more episodes of Ridiculous One Star Reviews on Amazon.

Top Ten Posts for January of 2012

Strangely enough, this last month is the single biggest traffic month of this blog's long and illustrious career. This seems strange, given that there weren't a lot of special events or outside sites linking in. I can only assume this means that many of you put "Visit Matt's Blog More Regularly" on your new year's resolution list.

So, here are the top ten posts of the month!

1. Ridiculous Reviewers On Amazon: One Star Review fo... Aug 26, 2011 This is a consistently popular post. I can only assume that some teacher is sending kids to this post to learn that just because she gave them one star on their homework, that doesn't mean that they haven't written masterpieces.

2. Ten Years! Aug 22, 2008 Every time a man is about to have his tenth wedding anniversary, he searches on the internet for something to give to his wife or a funny picture he can send to her. Every single one of those men gets sent to this post. This post alone has generated more traffic in the last three years than all of Los Angeles combined.

3. The full "Ferris Bueller" ad for Honda with Matthe... Jan 30, 2012 Because everyone loves Ferris Bueller, that's why! Also... it's nice that we can now preview Super Bowl commercials. No more watching football just so I can see the entertaining advertisements.

4. Ridiculous Reviewers On Amazon: One Star Review fo... Jul 5, 2011 Another of the ever-popular one star reviews. I had originally planned to do these every week. There are plenty of ridiculous one star reviews. The main problem is that I am too lazy.

5. Guest post from Ryan Cleveland: How to Hide Mt. Ev... Jan 17, 2012 My friend Ryan kindly agreed to share his thoughts about being a minister who struggles with his weight and health. Honest, open, frank... this was a great post and deserves all the traffic it can get.

6. Ridiculous Reviewers On Amazon: One Star Review fo... Jun 17, 2011 What?! Another of these things? Sigh. I really should do more of these.

7. The 300 Pound Pastor: Guest Post from theologian a... Jan 10, 2012 Author Gary Thomas shared some thoughts from his most recent book. I thought this was a great post, as well. Gary does a great job of helping us see our own unexamined beliefs and where they depart from reality.

8. In which my two-year-old tells me something I alre... Jan 29, 2012 People love these posts where I am revealed to be incompetent by my own children.

9. 20 Things To Do When Your Two Year Old Burns Her F... Jul 7, 2011 Speaking of incompetent parenting! I can only assume that a lot of people had two-year-olds get burnt this month, causing a flurry of internet searches.

10. We're on our way to Thailand! Jan 14, 2012 The traffic from this post was caused by five or six people, consumed by jealousy, who kept refreshing the page over and over, reading it out loud, reading it to their friends and saying incredulously, "Mikalatos gets to go to Thailand? Why don't I get to go to Thailand?"