Matt VS. Machine

There's an artificial intelligence program over at cooldictionary.com that you can chat with... essentially you can IM the computer and it talks to you. Its name is Splotchy.

Anyway, here's the conversation Splotchy and I had (slightly edited for those not used to having conversations with foul-mouthed computer intelligences):

Me: What is your name?

Splotchy: I am Splotchy, what's your name?

Me: My name is Matt.

Splotchy: Hi matt, nice to talk to you you

Me: Are you really a robot?

Splotchy: I know you are, but what am I?

Me: I'm rubber and you're glue.

Splotchy: does anyone know you are rubber and youre glue?

Me: No.

Splotchy: no?

Me: No. does anyone know that you are a ping-pong ball?

Splotchy: No I'm not...

Me: You fight like a girl

Splotchy: did you get your @$$ kicked in a fight?

Me: Never

Splotchy: not even once?

Me: Well, there was this one time when a really mean group of girl scouts cornered me and beat me up.

Are we not men?

We are Devo!

Speaking of which, there's a new devo at gnwstinters.

First Day of School

I can't believe my kids are both in school...

Where are the little girls I carried?

Tomorrow is Z's first day of kindergarten.

Tomorrow is A's first day of preschool.

If I can still type after all the emotional trauma of having practically adult children I will give you all an update soon.

Google Me

Last night I googled myself (yes, I'm vain, bet I think this post is about me, don't I?) and I found a couple of interesting things:

1) A mini-review of my short story, Chariots. Favorite sentence from the review: "If you like to think big thoughts without wading through all the words usually associated with them, 'Chariots' is for you."

2) Someone in Canada went to the trouble to type out (is this legal?) the entirety of my article "Estrogen Dampens Holy Spirit!" from the Wittenburg Door. So if you would like to see the (admittedly inferior) typed up version, you can see it here. And then you should march right out and buy issue 206 of the Wittenburg Door.

3) The Burning Hearts Revolution.

Ballet In My Living Room

We're watching ballet on t.v. right now.

Is it because:

A) We are an extremely cultured couple
B) "The Office" is a rerun
C) Because ballet is cool and Matt has perfect feet to excel in ballet
D) All of the above

YOU decide!

Goodbye, Valentino

Tonight after I tucked Z into bed, she called me back for one last question:

Z: Daddy, why didn't God make every day Valentine's Day?

Me: I don't know, sweetie. Why would you want every day to be Valentine's Day?

Z: Because I want to make Valentine's Day cards every day.

Me: You could make Valentine's Day cards every day if you want to.

Z: Daaaad, I want to make them on Valentine's Day.

Me: Okay. What are you going to do with all those cards.

Z: Give them to all my family.

Me: That's sweet. Good night.

Z: Good night. Dad?

Me: Yes?

Z: What if we had a baby born on Valentine's Day?

Me: Do you think we would have to name them "Valentine"?

Z: If she's a girl we would name her Valentina.

Me: And if he was a boy we would name him Valentino?

Z: No, if it's a boy we name him Valengina.

Note to BHR readers: No matter what day some future child comes, they shall not be named "Valengina" regardless of gender or really any other factor. FYI.

Three Days of Pure Creativity

Krista pointed out an article in the paper today about the 3 day novel contest. Basically, over Labor day weekend, people from all over the place set aside the weekend and write a novel. Last year's winner is a teacher from Portland who wrote a novel called "Day Shift Werewolf."

Here are the rules. Krista and I were saying tonight that it would be fun to enter it, but you have to really be able to set aside a full three days if you're going to write a novel in three days. Maybe next year, eh?

Anyway, be sure to let me know if you decide to represent the Burning Hearts Revolution in the contest so we can all cheer you on and send you coffee over the weekend!

Devo to go

There's a new devotional up at GNWstinters.com.

Blogger won't let me upload pictures right now or I would treat you to some Jesus Clip Art.

UPDATE: Here's my Jesus clip art. For some reason I can't put it up on the gnwstinters site. So, I guess it's just a bonus for the BHR.

Burly Man Works in His Yard

I spent a great part of today digging in my back yard. I was pleased to see frogs hopping all over the place. Pretty big ones, too!

Anyway, I needed to work on the rototiller I was using for a minute, so I pulled my gloves off and set them on the ground and did the Manly work that needed doing... I can't remember what it was exactly. Then I pulled my gloves on and felt something firm but slimy in the thumb of my right glove and I pulled it off FAST and threw the glove and--I figured this out about the time the glove flew off--the frog through the air.

I yelled aloud what I think people of all genders and cultures throughout time have said upon unexpectedly discovering a frog in their gloves: "Nnnnyyyaaaaagh!"

Lessons I have learned today:

1) Frogs think that gloves look like inviting caves.

2) Fingers think that frogs feel like slimy scariness when they are taken by surprise.

3) Frogs can FLY!

4) If I ever discover a rattlesnake in my sleeping bag, my reflexes are just fine.

A Public Service Announcement

If you went to my high school (and I'm sure there's like, three of you out there), then you should go stumble around at this website. It's an alumni site where you can put all your info in so that you can keep in touch with everyone who has disappeared and also, you know, be available for fundraising phone calls and stuff. Seriously, go sign up.

If you didn't go to my high school then you should probably not go to that link. You won't know anyone. Go find your own high school link. Man!

Comments from the floor of my house

My daughter, A, is currently laying on the floor having a rather quiet and polite tantrum. She's groaning and frowning because she doesn't like what's for dinner. It's actually a special sort of dinner we don't do that often called "breakfast for dinner." I made waffles and scrambled eggs.

Me: A, are you okay?

A: No.

Me: Does something hurt?

A: No.

Me: Are you tired?

A: No.

Me: Are you just cranky?

A: Yes.

Mikalatosville Mail Call

My mailbox yielded yet more good news today. The Wittenburg Door wants some more! They just accepted "Heaven's Suggestion Box". This means it will be in either an upcoming magazine, on the internet or sent out in their e-newsletter.

For those of you keeping track, that's my fifth accepted story since April! Pretty exciting. If I had a webcam you could see me doing my traditional celebratory dance right now.

Don't worry, I'm not planning to ever get a webcam.

If I could change my name

If I could change my name, I would change it to "Justice." It is, first of all, a real name. That is a bonus.

Second of all: MATT JUSTICE!

That's just rad.

JUSTICE!

Another night out

Our fancy dinner on our anniversary night was a gift from my Mom. It was very, very nice.

Krista's mom also gave us a gift, which was a night out at the Greenlake Guesthouse. My mom took the kids! K's mom called ahead and ordered a cheese and fruit platter which was delicious (and a weird flashback, because on the night of our wedding we hadn't had anything to eat when we got back to the hotel and we ordered a cheese and fruit platter).

Last night we went out to dinner at Taste of India, one of our favorite restaurants. Mmmmm. Palak paneer! Butter chicken (real name unknown)!

We miss Seattle. It's a beautiful town.

Smartest Animals On Earth

I always think it's funny when people on documentaries say that various animals are "the smartest on earth." On the list: dolphins, various types of monkeys and chimps and pigs.

And how do we measure intelligence in these geniuses of the animal world?

Well, it's because they do what we say.

Dolphins, for instance, will push a button with their nose in response to seeing the right combination of flash cards. They train pretty easily.

Not that it's any different with human beings. We socialize kids to "know" the right answers but it really has more to do with obedience to what they have been taught then to independent, intelligent observation of the world around them.

Case in point: What color is the sky?

And of course the answer: Blue.

Unless it's at night. Unless it's sunset or sunrise. Unless it's overcast. Unless there is smog. In fact, I would guess the sky is blue far less than 50% of the time most places on earth. But it's still the correct answer. The answer "blue" has very little to do with intelligence.

All that to say this: it is possible, nay, likely that the smartest animal in the world is the common household cat. It does not do what it is told. It does whatever it wants. It trains human beings to feed it, to pet it, and to clean up its feces. It also tricks human beings into thinking that they are in charge. That is pretty smart.

Dinner Out

Tonight we are blogging together after a lovely dinner at Tabla. Here you can see me and my entree: duck confit. We also had rabbit with pasta, an olives appetizer, heirloom tomatoes and fresh mozarella and melon salad with serrano ham and feta.

Afterwards we went for dessert at Pix Patisserie. Krista had a coffee and a chocolate mousse called "Aphrodite." I had homemade vanilla ice cream and a mango fruit square thing.

Our conclusion after this wonderful evening: we would make excellent wealthy people.

Anniversary Lunch

I made lunch for me and Krista today. It looks fancy, doesn't it? The tomatoes are from our garden. There are four different varieties represented.

It looks gourmet, but those who were around last night know that it's really leftovers. Yes, you eat well in Mikalatosville. Come on by and have something to eat!

Eight Years Ago

Eight years ago today my life irrevocably changed. That was the day I married Krista, and in many ways it was one of the most significant, altering and important days of my life. Since it is our eighth anniversary, I thought I would share eight things I have learned from Krista since getting married.

1) Faith. I honestly don't know anyone who has a greater gift of faith in God. She really believes anything he says. She believes he can do more than we ask or imagine. And because she believes, I have started to grow and understand faith better. She has taught me how to have faith in God in a way I did not think was possible... what I mean is not faith that he exists, I already had that... but faith to do the things that he asks of us, even when they seem impossible.

2) Faithfulness. The Bible says that "perfect love casts out fear." Krista has taught me the meaning of that, too. When I met Krista I was paranoid about being ditched in relationships. She has taught me what it means to be a loyal and steadfast friend (and spouse). I never worry about Krista leaving me, no matter the situation. She is not that kind of person. She is unwaveringly faithful. It is a great gift from God that she is so loyal, faithful, and loving.

3) Fashion. I am not going to try to make this list start all with "F's" but it is working out that way. Krista buys my clothes. In addition to being an enormous relief, I am a much snappier dresser than I was back in the day. Of course, she still has to work with the limitations of what I am willing to wear. But believe me, I look better.

4) Love. I know, this sounds like a corny thing to say. But I mean it in more ways than I could adequately express here. For one thing, she has taught me the marvelous blessings available when we choose to remain in purposeful relationship with another human being. But I've also learned from watching the ways she interacts with our daughters, or the little things she does to show me that she cares.

5) Fancy food. No, really. I'm quite the gormand after marrying my lovely wife.

6) Self-improvement. One of the things I love about Krista is the way she shows her care by being honest about the people around her. She tells it like it is, even when it is painful, because of two things: 1) She doesn't tell lies and 2) She cares too much to let people live as less than what they are capable of becoming. Krista has lovingly shown me my own shortcomings so that I could become a better person. And I am profoundly grateful for that.

7) The power and voice of God. When I first met Krista I thought God spoke in a very narrow, defined way. I didn't believe that he could or would speak outside of the contextual, precise meaning of the Bible. I have since found a richness of relationship with him that comes merely from realizing that he can (and does) speak when I am praying, from nature, via the Holy Spirit when I am reading the Bible and a lot of other ways. This alone is a lesson that has revolutionized my life.

8) Who I can be. I have already alluded to this, but Krista has made me acutely aware of the better person that I can be. I think this is partly because I am a better person already just by having her in my life. She balances my imbalances. She keeps me centered. She points me to Christ by her example.

Krista-- I love you. I am so thankful to have you in my life, and I want you to know that this first eight years is the only beginning. I look forward to the next eighty, if the Lord would be so generous. I'm not going anywhere without you. Wherever you go, I'll be there... "your people will be my people and your God my God." Thank you for the wonderful gift of yourself, and for providing me with my two most precious daughters. You are the most beautiful person in my life. Thank you for agreeing to be my wife. I love you. I can't imagine a life without you ever again. I can scarcely remember the years before we came together... it's like another life, a lesser one. You are my life now, and I am glad to share it with you!

New Short Story

I just got home today... I'll try to catch you all up on the week over the next few days. In the meanwhile, the literary magazine Haruah has just published my short story, The Gardener. Enjoy!