Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Several Advantages Of Owning A Gorilla

A few days ago I decided that we needed a gorilla in the house. So we got one, but he's not very smart. He thinks the kids are bananas. When the kids yell at him, he gets scared because he's afraid of little girls. And also, he thought they were bananas. Screaming bananas are frightening, I suppose.

There are many advantages to having a gorilla. For instance, if the kids start crying, I just say, "Stop it! You're upsetting the gorilla." That works right away. And if the kids get scared of someone coming into the house, I say, "Do you think the gorilla is going to let someone walk in the front door, right by his cage?" Of course not!

Tonight the kids decided they would name the gorilla Caramel. I thought this was a dumb name. "He has black fur, not caramel-colored fur. Why would you name him Caramel?"

"Because he likes caramel-covered bananas," they replied matter-of-factly. Which is true. So what could I say to that?

You know what else I love about having a gorilla? When I am walking home from the kindergarten where A and I went to pick up Z, and Z starts to talk about her gorilla and one of her friends says, "Do you really have a gorilla?" She says, "Of course I do." The kids look at me, and I say, "It sleeps on the love seat in the front room, in the cage." I think Z is probably famous at school.

Don't get me wrong, there are disadvantages, too. For instance, tonight Caramel took a bath and left so much hair in the tub that the kids refused to bathe.

But mostly, having a gorilla is pretty nice.


  1. My only thought about this post is "What?" I'm aware its 11 at night and I may not be thinking clearly but I'm not sure what I just read even though I read it twice.

  2. Anonymous10:31 AM

    the first thought that ran through my mind was that it is entirely possible that you are the strangest person i know. yup.

    (i think you should treat us to pictures of this gorilla)

  3. I can't take a picture of the gorilla. It upsets him.

  4. Anonymous1:04 PM

    I'm so proud, Matt.


  5. Now, I am jealous. My room mate went to the store a few months ago and asked me if she could pick anything up for me. I asked for a gorilla. She didn't take me serious and so she just returned with the bananas! I am not like my room mate in that way. I take you seriously, Matt.