Once again, we return to our Unseen Movie Reviews, the part of the blog where I review a movie that I have never seen, based purely upon the movie trailer and my own strongly brewed opinions.
Tonight we take a look at The Number 23, a new thriller starring Jim Carrey. So, let's take a look at the trailer.
NOTE: There are some disturbing images in this trailer. Many of them involve Jim Carrey. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Now, we all know that numbers can be scary. But as I recall, the scariest number is seven, because seven ate nine. But what has the number 23 ever done to anyone? As I recall, 23 has always been a kind, loving number. It has even sponsored episodes of Sesame Street. Sweet, sweet number 23.
I called the number 23 to get its opinion about this slanderous piece of trash.
Me: So, Number 23, I see that a movie is coming out about your life.
23: No, no, no. That movie is a complete lie. It's not about me at all.
Me: So, it's not true that you have driven people insane?
23: Of course not. I'm a pretty simple two-digit number.
Me: The number 13 could say the same thing.
23: I'm twice the number that 13 could ever be!
Me: Well actually, um, that's not quite true.
Me: What do you say to claims by the priest that the number 23 can become the "number of Satan"... by dividing 2 by 3?
23: Have these people ever taken a math class? For crying out loud. 2 divided by 3 is NOT ".666", it's ".66666666666666666666666666666666666667". It's just a stupid thing to say. Stupid and mean. It really hurt my feelings.
Me: Okay, I have to get back to my movie review.
23: Please don't say anything nice about this movie.
Me: Ha ha ha! Don't worry about that!
I can't believe silly trash like this gets made. I'm glad that they chose Jim Carrey as the main character so that Blockbuster can stick it in the comedy section and trick customers into renting it.
I would suggest that you buy a book by Jose Luis Borges rather than watching this movie.
For that matter, I would suggest that you stay home and do your dishes rather than going to this movie.
Matt's Verdict: If you pay to see this movie I will purposely fly to your house and kick you in the seat of your pants. Then I will take all your money so that you don't waste it anymore.
p.s. This movie review has been brought to you by the number 23 and the letter F.