Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One star reviews for Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar

If you're like me, Eric Carle painted paper animals into your childhood. I always liked the very hungry caterpillar, who ate his way through leaves, apples, pie, pizza, ice cream and so on before spinning a cocoon and becoming a butterfly. One of the things that interested me most was the fact that each page had a small hole in it for the caterpillar to go through. I always thought that was neat.

BUT NOT NEAT ENOUGH TO PREVENT ONE STAR REVIEWS ON AMAZON!

That's right kids, it's time for Ridiculous One Star Reviews of Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar !

First, a one star review from Libby O'Connor of Borneo! She has this to say:

A beautifully illustrated book based on poor scientific knowledge. Butterflies do not come from cocoons - moths do. When butterfly caterpillars pupate, they do not spin silk to make a cocoon. If you want your child to learn inaccurate science, use this book with them.

Great point, Libby! Another scientific inaccuracy: Caterpillars don't eat hot dogs! They have more than six feet (or less than six feet? Do they have feet?)! They don't have green eyes! Or noses? It's like this book isn't even designed to be a science text! RIDICULOUS! MY CHILDREN SHALL NEVER SEE THIS! I suppose they'll have to be satisfied with the Darwin's Origin of the Species pop up book I bought for them.

Whew. I can see Libby's point. Let's move on to S. Dragun of the good old U.S.A. and see what he has to say!

With "a Very Hungry Caterpillar", I was expecting something alot more grand given all the raving reviews and positive aggregate. 

What I got instead was a book that failed to satisfy any of the senses or tastes of the refined individual. 

The plot was much too simplistic, and offered nothing to those looking forward to a daring plot on metamorphic themes and evolution between various stages of life. instead, the writing style was atrocious, most likely to appeal to a sophomoric audience, and the novel began as soon as it ended. 

As far as the illustrations, they seem to be little more than paper mache and have no real skill or artistic merit. I have seen better drawings from a child, and drawings that carried more of a better synthesis between plot and picture. 

If you are a more mature reader and are actually looking for a decent work of fiction, I highly recommend Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis.

Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Nice one! S. Dragun, I like you. I suppose next week will have to be one star reviews of Kafka's Metamorphosis. Which, I think Libby would like to point out, is not a scientifically accurate description of cockroaches or Russia.


And now, our last review, slightly edited to make it family friendly for all those families who like to sit around the breakfast table, reading my blog aloud over the roar of Rice Krispies. This one comes from the infamous "A Customer." 

This book has to be one of the greatest sagas ever told, the story of a caterpillar who eats his way to becoming a beautiful butterfly. I think it's a story we can all relate to. 

I'm going to give it one star anyway because I just stubbed my toe really hard and d*** it, I blame this book.

I'm giving a one star review to every book in my house. Especially the ones in my kids' room. 


Alright, everyone, that brings us to the end of another week's Ridiculous Reviews on Amazon. If you're still hungry for more, feel free to chomp your way right through a whole series of Ridiculous Reviews! 

Famous Star Wars Kisses

Here's one of the most famous Star Wars kisses, when Han Solo and Princess Leia kiss in the underground rebel base on the ice planet Hoth. She kissed him and everything, but she made it clear along the way that she would rather kiss a wookie.

It appears that she knew what she was talking about:

Awww, here she's getting a kiss from Lando Calrissian. Okay, okay, that's enough.

Oh yeah, here's a famous moment, too, where Leia passionately kisses her brother to make her future boyfriend jealous. So jealous.

It also led to this awkward family moment on the new Death Star:

Basically, the point is that I'm not sure there are enough women to go around in the Star Wars universe.

But I'm sure Lucas can change it and update it in the next version of Star Wars. I hear there are a lot of changes coming, which should be fun!

Mother's Day today....

Today was, as I'm sure you know, Mother's Day.

Krista's mom and dad were here for the weekend, and my parents came over this morning and Z made red velvet waffles for everyone. Then, while everyone went to church I stayed home and got the house cleaned up and made lunch (largely based around an authentic Italian recipe and wine recommendations from our friends Sean and Shandra Galloway -- Shandra should be updating her blog with recipes soon, and I'll put a link). This pretty much exhausted everyone, but we had just enough strength to sing happy birthday to my brother-in-law Kevin and eat some ice cream cake.

Thanks, mom, for being a great mom. I can't complain a bit about your excellent mothering skills, which is, I'm sure, a sign that I've grown up and you did well. I'm thankful for you and all that you've taught me.

Now the kids are off cleaning their rooms (or are wise enough not not to surface so we can make sure they're cleaning their rooms, at least) and I've got M in the tub. Pretty soon we're going to wrap up the day by watching the next episode of the BBC's Sherlock Holmes, which should be a nice way to close things out. In honor of that excellent show, here's a picture of an otter who looks like Benedict Cumberbach.

My friend Sarah "Shmoopios" Cheung sent these along, and you can see the whole hilarious series of pictures here. Our day was quick and

Sheeped Away

My (almost) three-year-old, M, came across this video today (while surfing YouTube... I need to put some serious web blockers on our computers) and then she watched it over and over and over, laughing hysterically every time. Enjoy:

Jedi Kittens lightsaber duel: GO!

If you've ever wanted to see kittens fight each other with lightsabers, this is your lucky day.

 

Ridiculous Reviewers on Amazon: One Star Reviews for Maurice Sendak's "Where The Wild Things Are."

You probably heard the sad news yesterday that the beloved children's author, Maurice Sendak, passed away at the age of 83. Best known for his fantastic children's books, especially Where the Wild Things Are, which won the Caldecott Medal and has encouraged children everywhere to put on their wolf suits when they get angry. It's a whimsical, crazy, surreal, beautiful story about parents and the enduring nature of parental love even in the midst of temper tantrums and runaway kids, and it's also about kids and the bizarre places a child's mind can go in the midst of confusing emotional situations. It's beautifully illustrated, simply written and a classic for a good reason.

Which can mean only one thing: It's time for us to look at Ridiculous One Star Reviews for Maurice Sendak's Where The Wild Things Are! I have my wolf suit and my angry face on. Let's do this!

Okay, let's warm up with a review from "cspring." 

did not enjoy. wish i could just assign a star rating without writing a thesis as to why scary looking lions, monkeys are not that great for 3 year olds

Huh. That's weird. It seems to me that you just did! 

Also. I would like to talk about some zoology with you. 

The creature pictured above, my friend, is not a lion. As you can see, it has three horns. It is a whimsical children's illustration. REAL lions only have two horns. See there, you learn something new every day!

Now, let's see what "A Customer" has to say in his one star review, entitled "The Most Overrated Creepy Children's Book of the Century":

....- suddenly, those monsters were fleshed out for me, thanks to Sendak and his scary illustrations. This book creeps me out to this day. Those ugly monsters with their pointy little fangs, claws and horns are nasty looking. I have mentioned this book to my friends and they all agreed with me: this story is not for children.

 So. Let me paraphrase your review: I bought the book "Where the Wild Things Are," which had monsters on the cover. When I opened the book I was disappointed to discover that not only is the book full of Wild Things, but also creepy monsters. I much prefer this other book I bought, "Where the Cute Fluffy Bunnies Are." Except for all the bunnies. That is going too far. 

"I am quite put out," said Maxine. "About my mother."
At which the bunny rolled its terrible eyes and chomped its
horrible buck teeth and said, "I shall eat
carrots for dinner!" And Maxine said, "NO!"

Here's another review from "A Customer":

This book is inappropriate for my four year old. I don't understand how this book is on the best seller's list. The illustrations are scary for young children. The educational value of this book is very negative. Instead of teaching of self discipline and respect for authority, this book promotes disobedience and violence. I know, for years, it has received glowing reviews. I disagree with all of them. This book entered the trash can the day it entered our home.

Wait. Children's books are meant to educate us in self-discipline and respect for authority?

Okay. I can retell the story that way. 

"The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another. His mother said, 'Stop making mischief.' Then Max said, 'Yes, ma'am' and did precisely that. He waited in the corner until his dinner was ready. And it was still hot." 

Can someone draw a picture of Max sitting in the corner, properly chastened? About twenty times? Thanks!

Our next, genuinely creepy review comes from Cliff "Cliff" Newman from "Pluto." He titles his review, "ho hum."

hoping the movie is better.think the book was written for someone MUCH younger.having had the most dangerous job in the world for 30 years, the book was a LITTLE slow.if I meet an interesting young boy, I will give him the book.the idea from [in] the book is mind opening.for a kid anyway.having been shot 12 times, my mind was already opened too far.

 Cliff? Um. Please don't give the copy of your book to any young children. I think maybe you should stay away from them. No, really. Ew. You're giving me the creeps. 

Our last --  and I have to say my favorite -- one star review of Where the Wild Things Are comes from Django Hulphers, who said: 

To be fair, it does speak to the plight of the Guatemalan coffee farmer peasantry in an age of increasing colonialism and diminishing resources. That being said, though, the central premise, while eloquently stated, is grossly undermined by the frailty (and ultimate solipsism) of its inherent tenets. Where The Wild Things Are should leave its childish and immature "darkness" behind and get with the program. Have we lost sight of normalcy? What's wrong with being a good American kid?!

Django, I, uh... um. I... wow. I guess I didn't see that one coming. So... Max is the Guatemalan coffee farmer? No. I think he would be the Colonialist coming across the sea and setting himself up as king. And then when the Guatamalans threaten to, uh, eat the Colonialist he goes home to mommy.

I'm just not sure I'm getting it. I'll need to re-read the book and specifically look for the, um, solipsism and inherent tenets. And stuff.

Think I'm making all this up? Nope. They're real reviews and you can see them in all their glory here.

Want to read more insane reviews about classic books? Then BE STILL and LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!

FREE: all of Levi Weaver's Music, Ever. (So far)

Gang. Until the end of the day today (the 8th), singer/songwriter Levi Weaver is offering all of his albums for free download to tget out the word about a new documentary about him and his music.

I saw Levi live a couple of years ago and it was really, really fun. He's a great musician and a great guy. Now we exchange emails about once a year in which we talk about doing a house show here at my house and it never, ever works out. I wasn't even able to go see his show in Portland this year!

Anyway, all that to say: I dig it. I think you will, too!

Check it out here, and tell a friend.

I KNEW IT! Harry Potter is real

They were always embarrassed by the picture in later years....

via nerd approved

Snuggies for the super heroic set

I've never tried on a snuggie. They seem silly to me. I can just as easily wrap myself up, toga-style, in a blanket. Undoubtedly, since this is the Internet, some of you are wearing snuggles right now, and I'm open to being educated on this topic.

However, I thought this particular picture had some clear truth behind it:

Meanwhile, in Gotham City:

Awww, cute. Look at Robin lurking in the background. Seriously, how often do you see the Dark Knight kicking back and watching television. And what do you think he's watching?

Meanwhile, at the Fortress of Solitude:

And, of course, we need the WONDERTWINS:

WONDER TWIN POWERS... ACTIVATE! FORM OF... A SNUGGIE MOUNTAIN!

Is it only heroes who wear Snuggies? No, not at all:

And lastly, an outfit so snug and super heroic I decided it is not for the average viewer, so consider carefully whether you want to continue after the jump to see this. it's not for the weak of heart. Take courage, viewer. Once you see this, you can't unsee it. Don't click lightly. Be cautious. Your life will be irrevocably changed. I meant it. Be wise.

The Autumn Film covers Coldplay

I've seen the Autumn Film do "Kingdom Come" live more than once, and I love it. They've just released a video of them singing it here:



They've also covered the more recent and more famous Coldplay song, Paradise:



Aaaaaand here comes Trouble:

Kitties as emoticons

Choose your favorite! :O

Top 5 favorite posts of April

Here are last month's top five most popular posts, born as wee crying babes into the cold hard light of the Internet:

1)  Ridiculous One Star Reviews for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. In which I share stupid reviews about how the first Harry Potter books is only worth one star out of five.

2) Advice for the Lovelorn. In which I reveal the way to tell a boy you love him.

3) Downton Arby's. In which Downtown Abby is spoofed by a sandwich shop.

4) Books I got at Q. In which I share the books I got at Q.

5) Ridiculous One Star Reviews for William Golding's Lord of the Flies. In my opinion, anyone who gives this book one star should be shipwrecked on an island with all the other reviewers and six copies of Lord of the Flies.

Welcome to the Chain Gang

Last week I was running along Salmon Creek, which flows through a large green space near our house. As I ran through I noticed a group of men handing large potted plants from a flatbed truck down to a bridge over the river, where they were planting them. It was a large gang of men, and as I got closer I slowed down so I wouldn't get in the way as they turned with their heavy loads and passed them on to the next man.

As I stood there, I noticed that just beyond the man stood several police officers. One of the officers nodded to me.

Officer: You can go on through.

Me: I just didn't want to get in the way.

Officer: Ha ha. Be careful or we'll grab you and put you to work.

I had run about fifty yards past them before I realized just how creepy that sentence was... it reminded me of old grifter novels I'd read where some guy is wandering around, minding his own business and he gets snagged for "vagrancy" and put to work on the chain gangs.

I made sure to mind my business and not say anything when I ran back through there a half hour later.

At the airport

Well, one advantage of getting to the airport before Starbucks opens is that there's no line for anything, including security and, well, including Starbucks I guess.

Passengers are cuddled happily in their travel Snuggies, or lying across the rows of chairs with their jackets over them. One guy near me is sleeping with his cell phone in his hand. The main lights haven't come on yet near my gate, and even the travel shops are telling customers it will be a few more minutes until they're open.

My TSA routine was quick, easy and painless. The TSA officer made a big, goofy deal about checking my face against my ID, then handed it back and told me to continue to have a great day.

Ah. The overhead announcements just began. It's starting to feel like the bustling travel hub. Aha. The lights just came on as well.

Okay. Let's see if we can find some breakfast. Have a great day, everybody.

Spider-Man's blog

You guys. Peter Parker has a blog, which, frankly, wouldn't be all that interesting if we didn't already know that he's the spectacular Spider-Man.

But check out this hidden page on the blog.

This is, of course, viral marketing for the upcoming Spider-Man movie. I trust you just caught the virus.

WHEEL! OF! FIIIIISH!

Tonight, we had red snapper for dinner, which means the following clip from the movie UHF was running in my head all night. I'm pretty sure Wheel of Fish is the best game show ever invented. VERY TASTY FISH!



  QUESTION: Would you take the fish or what Hiro-san was bringing in the box?

Mall Santa Musical

I don't know why, but the last couple of days my kids have been singing Christmas songs. I asked my eldest what was going on and she said, "Christmas is coming, Dad." Well, duh. That's true about 364 days a year, I guess.

So, in honor of the imminent arrival of everyone's* favorite time of year, here's a video of Mall Santa, the Musical. Why doesn't this ever happen at my mall?




*That's right, everyone.

Raining Cats and Dogs

"Actually, it's just raining dogs. Hallelujah."

This week we had a couple of days of beautiful, sun-drenched hammock weather, followed by a return to the rain. It's like the weather is trying out rough drafts of summer. We even turned the air conditioner one day. Now it's back to raining cats and dogs.

I wondered today where that saying came from, "Raining cats and dogs." The most compelling and well-researched answer said that the saying comes from 17th or 18th century England, where storms occasionally would wash dead animals down the streets along with other debris. That's both interesting and disgusting. Thank you, Historians!

You can see the article I found here, where there is a particularly funny debunking of the theory that animals would fall through thatched roofs when it was raining hard. "Dogs don't live on thatched roofs!" Ha ha ha.

Meanwhile, it's raining candy wrappers and empty water bottles around here.

Wonderful Wednesday: How small is an atom?

You probably already know all this because the readers of the blog are far above average, but I thought you'd enjoy this video about how small an atom is.

 

 I ran across this over at Boing Boing.

Worldwide Day of Prayer-- Costa Rica

I don't know who decides this or how it works, but I guess today is the Worldwide Day of Prayer. At least if you're an Evangelical Christian!

Anyway, some of my dear friends in Costa Rica put together a little video sharing prayer requests for their ministry, and I thought you would enjoy seeing them. And if you're the praying type, please pray for my friends and their ministry: