A Moment of Silence

One of my favorite blogs has passed quietly into the night, perhaps never to return. It was a blog of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. It had borned me on its back a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! Where be your gibes now? Your gambols, your songs, your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?

*Sigh*

Pants On Fire: A Memoir

At Powell's tonight I saw several memoirs staring out at me and promising to tell me stories of amazing lives that would illuminate and better my own. And I thought about James Frey's controversially embellished life and all the silly uproar about it and I just wanted to let you know: Every memoir ever written is a big, fat lie.

But I also wanted to tell you that my forthcoming memoir "Pants On Fire" will be--unlike everyone else's--completely true. I will astound you with the true story of the hanglider crash in California that almost had nothing to do with me, the time that I was nearly conned by a cross-dressing con artist name Birdy Hoaks, about getting punched in the head by a deranged lunatic or something somewhat like that, about falling in love at last, about having two great kids, and of course a few stories about various animals and cars and, um, spaceships. Pirates. A unicorn. Nothing very exciting, I've led a life much like your own. Oh, vampires, don't forget the vampires.

Anyway. Be watching for it in stores everywhere, someday. It is going to be so amazing I wouldn't be surprised if they sold it at grocery stores and gas stations. Get ready for it!

Classy Dates that Make You Money

No, it doesn't involve donating blood!

Mom and Dad took the kids tonight. Thanks, folks!

Then K and I gathered up all of our books that we are done reading.

Then we went to have Lebanese food in Portland. Yum! We started with hummus and then I got lamb with feta and tahini and Krista got something we had never heard of before that involved rice, eggplant, yogurt and lamb. It was good but I have no idea what it was called. And of course some baklava (still waiting to be eaten). Total price for a nice dinner at this restaurant: $41 (including tip). But it was worth it.

After dinner we went on a hike in Forest Park which is, incidentally, the largest forested city park in the United States. A nice time was had by all.

After our hike we went to Powell's City of Books, which is the world's largest independently owned book store. At Powell's we unloaded all of our books that we had brought along and were paid $60 (cash). We then used part of that $60 to buy "100 hikes in northwest oregon and southwest oregon" ($16.95). Leaving us with $43.05. Now, subtract the $41 from dinner and that leaves us with $2.05. But then I bought the latest issue of Street Roots from the homeless woman on the way out. Which leaves us with a net profit of $1.05 for the evening!

Overall, a really fun time with my favorite person.

Eavesdropping with Matt (Episode Eight)

Dedicated to the cute little punk rock family (Punk Rock Dad, Punk Rock Mom, Punk Rock Sweet Little Three-Year-Old Girl) at the bus stop by Powell's City of Books.

Punk Rock Dad: Sit, Ubu!

Punk Rock Daughter: I'm not Ubu.

Fashionista

This weekend while Krista was gone, my three-year-old daughter A came in while I was getting dressed for church.

A: Why are you getting dressed up like that?

Me: I'm getting ready for church.

A: It's not very beautiful.

Me: Why not?

A: The color is not very beautiful. It's grey.

Me: No, it's more of a green. Here, I'll open the blinds so you can see. See? It's more of a green.
Is that better?

A: Nooo. I think you need to change.

Me: How about this blue shirt?

A: That's better.

So. Have I ever chosen my own clothes? I guess not. Will I ever dress myself again? I guess not. Oh, well. At least I'll look nice.

Regional Team Retreat

Right now I'm at the regional team retreat. Which, honestly, is more of a "sleepover." You know, a big co-ed sleepover. Pretty fun, actually. We're staying at The DreamGiver's Inn.

The best moment of our little getaway so far was Alex Kettles starting a fire with Bob Monaco. They couldn't figure out how to open the flue so they filled the whole beautiful house with smoke. Steve Ellisen came to help, opened the little glass doors and got a face full of smoke. It made me laugh and laugh. Everyone refused to call the lady who runs the place.

Turned out that the "ornamental knob" on the front could also be called, "the flue."

So now Matt and Steve are playing chess behind me. Bob is telling me stories, Cas, Kim, Kerri and Paula are hanging out in front of the fire. Krista's off getting a massage. Alex just welcomed Sue home (she drove in from California today).

And if you haven't figured it out, these are my co-workers and friends and we're having a relaxing evening tonight.

Evil Laugh Tutorial

Several of you have written in asking for some tips on creating Evil Laughs for yourselves. As I spent some time writing up notes for you, I realized that it was just too difficult to do the subject justice with the written word. So, I have included some audio notes for your first lesson. Please listen attentively and then practice profusely:

Ken Makes Kids Happy

Being reminded of Free Comic Book Day was quite a coup for our family. Grandma Maggie brought the kids to the nearby comic shop (just down the street from my house) and they each got a few comics. Their hands-down favorite was the Donald Duck issue, even though it had no Carl Barks (except for the cover). It did, however, have a fun Don Rosa story about Huey, Duey and Luey skipping school. We got a good laugh out of that. Z and A both enjoyed sitting and reading Donald Duck stories.

I had the kids write their names on the covers of their comics so they can tell them apart. Take that, Fanboys! Mooowahahahaaaaaa!

Then, since the comic book store had a 50% off sale in honor of FCBD, Mom bought me a trade of the first 15 issues of Invincible, which was incredibly generous of her and fortunate for me. I found Invincible to be very enjoyable, just straight-out fun superhero comics.

So, a special thanks to Ken (for alerting us to free comic book day) and Mom (for making even the not-free ones free-for-me).

Free comics for everyone!

Ken writes in to remind us all that it's free comic book day.

In honor of Seis de Mayo.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask he-who-knows-and-sees-all.

The flu has flown

I think I am better now, as is evidenced by my meals today:

1) Santa Fe Rice and Beans
2) Chorizo, potato and bean burrito (in honor of Cinco de Mayo)
3) barbecue sandwhich with corn on the cob
4) A bowl of ice cream

I'm not even nauseous!

Pray for Krista and family

K went down to L.A. this morning for her Uncle's funeral, which is tomorrow. Please be praying for her and her family as they deal with the grief of this separation.

Even Better than Google Love

And, following a link from my monkey reporting, you could come to this site, where instead of getting blind dates you can just go ahead and arrange a marriage. Yes, that's right. And yes, you can put that you're a Christian. Remember, don't marry who you love, love who you marry.

Drunk Monkeys Attack Villagers

As always, you can count on BHR for cutting edge, top of the hour, in-depth drunk monkey reporting.

I have the flu

Yes, feel sorry for me.

I just woke up and there's no one at my house. I am not sure where everyone is, but it doesn't really matter because I have an invisible chain keeping me tied to the restroom.

I am using the last of my strength to come here and share it with you, my loyal revolutionists.

I may also be slightly delirious because I have some old song "I guess that's why the call it the blues" stuck in my head but the lyrics are "I guess that's why they call it the flu." I can hear the harmonica bits and little bits of the lyrics: DOWN ON MY HANDS! something something Living like children laughing like lovers ROLLING LIKE THUNDER something something. And I guess that's why they call it the flu...

Shana has a blog

For fans of Shana Brennan, she now has her own blog. She's just learning, though. She would love your ideas for a blog title, or instructions on how to get her picture on the profile. Go give her a nice hello.

Tradition!

My three-year-old daughter, "A", and I have a tradition.

It goes like this. Every morning we get up early and go downstairs to make breakfast. She chooses between Honey-nut Cheerios and "special cereal" (honey bunches of oats). I ask her if she wants milk in her cereal. She says no, she will eat the cereal with her hands. I give her the bowl and then go sit down somewhere. She waits about 4.3 minutes, making sure I am well settled into reading the newspaper, reading the Bible or surfing the net. Then she comes over and says sweetly, "Milk, please." A variation on this tradition is the one where she asks for milk to start out, and then tells me she doesn't want the milk anymore, usually right after I pour it. That one involves a great deal of crying and me explaining the nature of the universe.

Gargamel as a child

Z chalked the sidewalk yesterday and she had blue chalk all over her face.

Me: You like like a smurf.

Z: What's a smurf?

Me: It's a little blue creature that lives in the woods and is three apples high.

Z (gesturing with her hands): This high?

Me: Yes.

Z: That means I could step on them and SMASH them!

Me: I--uh--yes, you could.

Z: Are they *made* out of apples?

Me: No, they're little animals.

Z: I could definitely squish them then.

The Garden

I couldn't concentrate on work at all yesterday because of Krista's uncle. It looks like he will be gone by week's end, so K and her mom are flying down for the funeral on Friday.

Since I couldn't do much that was useful in the way of work, I decided to do some yard work to calm myself and keep things at peace. I like doing yardwork now that I'm older (hated it passionately as a kid, of course). Yesterday I was working on turning a corner of our yard into a dalia garden, so I was tilling, mixing good soil into the hard clay of our yard.

I liked it because I remembered that when a kernel of wheat dies and falls to the ground it begins to truly live. I liked it because I can trust that in time we who sow in tears will see tiny saplings of joy for every tear that falls to the earth. I liked it because I thought of the good seed, and how one tiny plant reaches out and multiplies itself, that the combination of good soil and the word of the Lord changes and forms the world.

And at the end of the day I liked that I could stand back and see my work, that it was measurable and clear and it was good, and it was a work that led to life, and in time there will be flowers because of a few hours' of mild work in perfect sunshine.

Prayer Request

Hey friends--

Please be praying for Krista's family. Her Uncle Forrest collapsed about a day ago and is now in a coma. There's no brain activity; he will probably die in the next day or two, so Krista and her Mom are trying to find inexpensive plane tickets down to be with the family this weekend. Her Dad is already down there (it's his brother). So be praying for everyone involved....

3 Signs You are About to Eat some Good Indian Food

1. The "restaurant" appears to be a house. You are asked to sit on the second floor porch above the family quarters.

2. The waitress speaks with an Indian accent.

3. You can't even understand the English on the menu. I had the "mutton special" which was described as having a "fragrant bala massage". I may not understand the words but I understand the meaning: you are about to have some good Indian food.