Thursday, May 31, 2012
Here's a very funny look at what SHOULD have happened at the end of The Avengers. If you haven't already seen the movie there are some spoilers here.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
I guess the song is from singer "Bruno Mars." And I looked up the lyrics and, just as I suspected, it's not "Dancing Jews" it's "dancing juice." Which makes about 3% more sense, I guess. Regardless... pretty awesome.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Then this weird guy with long, stringy hair started hanging around all the time, trying to take pictures of me. He kept asking me if I had powers and I kept telling him now... right up until the time he hit me with a car and pinned me to the pavement with his car. My upper torso was sticking out from under the driver's side of his car. He rolled down his window and said, "Are you sure you don't have any powers?"
"That's it," I said, and then I yanked myself out from under the car, crumpled the car door with my bare hands, yanked it off and then grabbed the guy and threw him over the building in front of us. I figured that was the last of him.
But then, when I was at my friend's party a couple of days later, he showed up and got a picture of me with some weird camera. I could tell it was sending the information somewhere else, not just a local camera (Spider-sense?). He gave me a creepy grin and he said, "I have powers, too. You're going to have do more than throw me over a building."
Then I woke up.
Next time I see that guy, I promise you, he's going to get more than thrown over a building. I'm not going to wait around and ask him questions, either. That guy is officially banned from my interacting in my dream time.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
|There's a reason we don't put these foods next to each other.|
The donuts always win.
Parents were encouraged to sign up to bring in healthy snacks. My daughter was asked what she had for breakfast (a bowl of cereal) and told it wasn't a healthy breakfast (thanks a lot, teacher, that's exactly the sort of help we need at home)*.
Also last week, from the PTA, I received this flyer:
"SODA POP AND LITTLE DEBBIE SNACK CAKE CONTEST"
Students are encouraged to bring in 6 and 12 packs of soda and the class which brings in the most will be rewarded with an ICE CREAM PARTY.
*I will point out that Rice Chex don't have a lot of sugar in them. I told my daughter to tell her teacher that we live on Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
BUT NOT NEAT ENOUGH TO PREVENT ONE STAR REVIEWS ON AMAZON!
That's right kids, it's time for Ridiculous One Star Reviews of Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar !
First, a one star review from Libby O'Connor of Borneo! She has this to say:
A beautifully illustrated book based on poor scientific knowledge. Butterflies do not come from cocoons - moths do. When butterfly caterpillars pupate, they do not spin silk to make a cocoon. If you want your child to learn inaccurate science, use this book with them.
Great point, Libby! Another scientific inaccuracy: Caterpillars don't eat hot dogs! They have more than six feet (or less than six feet? Do they have feet?)! They don't have green eyes! Or noses? It's like this book isn't even designed to be a science text! RIDICULOUS! MY CHILDREN SHALL NEVER SEE THIS! I suppose they'll have to be satisfied with the Darwin's Origin of the Species pop up book I bought for them.
Whew. I can see Libby's point. Let's move on to S. Dragun of the good old U.S.A. and see what he has to say!
With "a Very Hungry Caterpillar", I was expecting something alot more grand given all the raving reviews and positive aggregate.
What I got instead was a book that failed to satisfy any of the senses or tastes of the refined individual.
The plot was much too simplistic, and offered nothing to those looking forward to a daring plot on metamorphic themes and evolution between various stages of life. instead, the writing style was atrocious, most likely to appeal to a sophomoric audience, and the novel began as soon as it ended.
As far as the illustrations, they seem to be little more than paper mache and have no real skill or artistic merit. I have seen better drawings from a child, and drawings that carried more of a better synthesis between plot and picture.
If you are a more mature reader and are actually looking for a decent work of fiction, I highly recommend Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis.
Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Nice one! S. Dragun, I like you. I suppose next week will have to be one star reviews of Kafka's Metamorphosis. Which, I think Libby would like to point out, is not a scientifically accurate description of cockroaches or Russia.
And now, our last review, slightly edited to make it family friendly for all those families who like to sit around the breakfast table, reading my blog aloud over the roar of Rice Krispies. This one comes from the infamous "A Customer."
This book has to be one of the greatest sagas ever told, the story of a caterpillar who eats his way to becoming a beautiful butterfly. I think it's a story we can all relate to.
I'm going to give it one star anyway because I just stubbed my toe really hard and d*** it, I blame this book.
I'm giving a one star review to every book in my house. Especially the ones in my kids' room.
Alright, everyone, that brings us to the end of another week's Ridiculous Reviews on Amazon. If you're still hungry for more, feel free to chomp your way right through a whole series of Ridiculous Reviews!
Monday, May 14, 2012
It appears that she knew what she was talking about:
Awww, here she's getting a kiss from Lando Calrissian. Okay, okay, that's enough.
Oh yeah, here's a famous moment, too, where Leia passionately kisses her brother to make her future boyfriend jealous. So jealous.
It also led to this awkward family moment on the new Death Star:
Basically, the point is that I'm not sure there are enough women to go around in the Star Wars universe.
But I'm sure Lucas can change it and update it in the next version of Star Wars. I hear there are a lot of changes coming, which should be fun!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Krista's mom and dad were here for the weekend, and my parents came over this morning and Z made red velvet waffles for everyone. Then, while everyone went to church I stayed home and got the house cleaned up and made lunch (largely based around an authentic Italian recipe and wine recommendations from our friends Sean and Shandra Galloway -- Shandra should be updating her blog with recipes soon, and I'll put a link). This pretty much exhausted everyone, but we had just enough strength to sing happy birthday to my brother-in-law Kevin and eat some ice cream cake.
Thanks, mom, for being a great mom. I can't complain a bit about your excellent mothering skills, which is, I'm sure, a sign that I've grown up and you did well. I'm thankful for you and all that you've taught me.
Now the kids are off cleaning their rooms (or are wise enough not not to surface so we can make sure they're cleaning their rooms, at least) and I've got M in the tub. Pretty soon we're going to wrap up the day by watching the next episode of the BBC's Sherlock Holmes, which should be a nice way to close things out. In honor of that excellent show, here's a picture of an otter who looks like Benedict Cumberbach.
My friend Sarah "Shmoopios" Cheung sent these along, and you can see the whole hilarious series of pictures here. Our day was quick and
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Which can mean only one thing: It's time for us to look at Ridiculous One Star Reviews for Maurice Sendak's Where The Wild Things Are! I have my wolf suit and my angry face on. Let's do this!
Okay, let's warm up with a review from "cspring."
did not enjoy. wish i could just assign a star rating without writing a thesis as to why scary looking lions, monkeys are not that great for 3 year olds
Huh. That's weird. It seems to me that you just did!
Also. I would like to talk about some zoology with you.
The creature pictured above, my friend, is not a lion. As you can see, it has three horns. It is a whimsical children's illustration. REAL lions only have two horns. See there, you learn something new every day!
Now, let's see what "A Customer" has to say in his one star review, entitled "The Most Overrated Creepy Children's Book of the Century":
....- suddenly, those monsters were fleshed out for me, thanks to Sendak and his scary illustrations. This book creeps me out to this day. Those ugly monsters with their pointy little fangs, claws and horns are nasty looking. I have mentioned this book to my friends and they all agreed with me: this story is not for children.
So. Let me paraphrase your review: I bought the book "Where the Wild Things Are," which had monsters on the cover. When I opened the book I was disappointed to discover that not only is the book full of Wild Things, but also creepy monsters. I much prefer this other book I bought, "Where the Cute Fluffy Bunnies Are." Except for all the bunnies. That is going too far.
|"I am quite put out," said Maxine. "About my mother."|
At which the bunny rolled its terrible eyes and chomped its
horrible buck teeth and said, "I shall eat
carrots for dinner!" And Maxine said, "NO!"
Here's another review from "A Customer":
This book is inappropriate for my four year old. I don't understand how this book is on the best seller's list. The illustrations are scary for young children. The educational value of this book is very negative. Instead of teaching of self discipline and respect for authority, this book promotes disobedience and violence. I know, for years, it has received glowing reviews. I disagree with all of them. This book entered the trash can the day it entered our home.
Our next, genuinely creepy review comes from Cliff "Cliff" Newman from "Pluto." He titles his review, "ho hum."
hoping the movie is better.think the book was written for someone MUCH younger.having had the most dangerous job in the world for 30 years, the book was a LITTLE slow.if I meet an interesting young boy, I will give him the book.the idea from [in] the book is mind opening.for a kid anyway.having been shot 12 times, my mind was already opened too far.
Cliff? Um. Please don't give the copy of your book to any young children. I think maybe you should stay away from them. No, really. Ew. You're giving me the creeps.
Our last -- and I have to say my favorite -- one star review of Where the Wild Things Are comes from Django Hulphers, who said:
To be fair, it does speak to the plight of the Guatemalan coffee farmer peasantry in an age of increasing colonialism and diminishing resources. That being said, though, the central premise, while eloquently stated, is grossly undermined by the frailty (and ultimate solipsism) of its inherent tenets.
Where The Wild Things Are should leave its childish and immature "darkness" behind and get with the program. Have we lost sight of normalcy? What's wrong with being a good American kid?!
Django, I, uh... um. I... wow. I guess I didn't see that one coming. So... Max is the Guatemalan coffee farmer? No. I think he would be the Colonialist coming across the sea and setting himself up as king. And then when the Guatamalans threaten to, uh, eat the Colonialist he goes home to mommy.
I'm just not sure I'm getting it. I'll need to re-read the book and specifically look for the, um, solipsism and inherent tenets. And stuff.
Think I'm making all this up? Nope. They're real reviews and you can see them in all their glory here.
Want to read more insane reviews about classic books? Then BE STILL and LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
I saw Levi live a couple of years ago and it was really, really fun. He's a great musician and a great guy. Now we exchange emails about once a year in which we talk about doing a house show here at my house and it never, ever works out. I wasn't even able to go see his show in Portland this year!
Anyway, all that to say: I dig it. I think you will, too!
Check it out here, and tell a friend.
Friday, May 04, 2012
However, I thought this particular picture had some clear truth behind it:
Meanwhile, in Gotham City:
Awww, cute. Look at Robin lurking in the background. Seriously, how often do you see the Dark Knight kicking back and watching television. And what do you think he's watching?
Meanwhile, at the Fortress of Solitude:
And, of course, we need the WONDERTWINS:
Is it only heroes who wear Snuggies? No, not at all:
And lastly, an outfit so snug and super heroic I decided it is not for the average viewer, so consider carefully whether you want to continue after the jump to see this. it's not for the weak of heart. Take courage, viewer. Once you see this, you can't unsee it. Don't click lightly. Be cautious. Your life will be irrevocably changed. I meant it. Be wise.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
They've also covered the more recent and more famous Coldplay song, Paradise:
Aaaaaand here comes Trouble:
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
1) Ridiculous One Star Reviews for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. In which I share stupid reviews about how the first Harry Potter books is only worth one star out of five.
2) Advice for the Lovelorn. In which I reveal the way to tell a boy you love him.
3) Downton Arby's. In which Downtown Abby is spoofed by a sandwich shop.
4) Books I got at Q. In which I share the books I got at Q.
5) Ridiculous One Star Reviews for William Golding's Lord of the Flies. In my opinion, anyone who gives this book one star should be shipwrecked on an island with all the other reviewers and six copies of Lord of the Flies.