Monday, June 28, 2010

The Rules of Flip Floppery

With summer finally warming even the remote nothwestern edges of the Unites States of America, I thought it would be a good time to share some of the summer Rules of Flip Floppery.  Frankly, having grown up in California, I am just now learning these rules, because in California I didn't wear shoes at all.  But here are a few of the many rules of flip floppery:

1) Do not wear your new flip flops on a long, long walk with a friend.  You may think it's a sign of solidarity.  You may think it will be nice in the warm summer sun.  You may discover that you get giant blisters that completely cover any place that the flip flops touched your skin.  You may want to post pictures of said blisters, only to be told by your wife and your friend that this is a disgusting habit and not to be encouraged.

Reef Men's Phantoms Prints Flip Flop,White Picture,11 M US2) If you wear your new flip flops on a long, long walk with a friend, do not post pictures of your blisters on your blog

3) Do not call your flip flops "thongs."  I should think this is self-explanatory.  Would you have read this post if it was titled "The Rules of Thongery?"  I think not.  Also, it is confusing when someone says, "Hey, let's go on a walk" and you say, "Just a minute while I put on my thong."

4) Never slap someone in the face with your flip flops.  I have tried this on several people and they have all replied, as if by instinct, "HEY!  Don't do that."  Apparently this one is self-evident.  I mean, I didn't know it, but I figured it out after five or six tries.

5) If you must slap someone in the face with flip flops, make sure they are evil.  The people being slapped, I mean.  Flip flops themselves are rarely evil.

6) Be sure to check on State laws before wearing flip flops to weddings.  While certain States encourage flip flops at weddings (Hawaii and California), others allow only wedding guests to wear them (Oregon, Washington, Colorado).  In other states, flip flops are discouraged altogether. 

Melissa and Doug Sunny Patch Bella Butterfly Flip-Flops Size: 10 - 117) Believe it or not, there are differences between men's and women's flip flops.  Try to wear the appropriate flip flop for your gender.  The differences can be subtle, but there's nothing more embarrassing than being told that you are wearing women's flip flops (see the picture, left, of my first pair of new flip flops, which have now been returned in exchange for a more manly print).