Monday, August 03, 2009

An open letter to whomever designs my infant's clothing

Dear Designer:

I realized as I was changing my daughter's clothes this morning at 2 am that you probably don't remember or haven't experienced some of what I am about to describe.

Imagine for a moment that you are suffering from sleep deprivation. Not, I went to a party and stayed out late laughing with my friends sleep deprivation, but I woke to a hungry mouth calling from somewhere in my house (just like an hour ago) and this is going to keep happening for several days in a row sort of sleep deprivation.

Now imagine that as a result your manual dexterity has declined and that you have to be careful when, for instance, picking up a pillow that you don't somehow break it or rip it into shreds because your hands seem to ignore your brain's directions.

And speaking of brains, let's imagine that your mental acuity has suffered as well and you find yourself saying things like "I'm glad it's April finally" and just assuming that everyone will figure out that you meant "That other month that starts with an A". Pretend that it takes you upwards of two hours to even realize that you said April instead of the word you meant, and the only way you figure it out at all is because someone at the time decided to mess with you and said, "Yup, can't wait for Easter."

Now imagine that it's two in the morning and your kid has just emitted some sort of fluid onto her clothing and needs to change again, for the sixth time this day, and that as you try to get her little pajamas on you realize that this outfit like too many others has SNAPS! NOOOOOOO! WHy not a zipper? WHy seventeen snaps? And why is it that no matter how carefully you try to make sure that you get them all snapped, at the end of the pajama you're one snap off and are left a strange wrinkle mocking you and saying that you somehow missed the other piece? How many minutes have I spent staring at the pajamas and telling my brain you can do this, you can figure this out?

Of course, the sheer waste of time involved in me staring at the pajamas as if it were the Sunday New York Times Crossword puzzle is counter-balanced by the enormous amount of time I am awake in the day. So I guess we have that going for us.

But in conclusion, I would like to encourage you to contact your R and D department and suggest that they put a lot of work into designing some sort of clothing that would actually crawl onto children on command.

Sincerely,

Matt