Saturday, April 04, 2009

My first time as a soccer coach and the generally expected idiocy that was bound to follow

This morning when we showed up for the kids' soccer games, our very talented Coach was there and wearing a suit. He usually wears shorts and a t-shirt so this was a surprise. He immediately told us that he had a funeral to attend this morning and wouldn't be coaching. He said, "Z's Dad will coach today."

Then only four kids showed up. So A played on Z's team, and we borrowed more players from our opponents.

It was cold this morning, and one of the kids came running up with her arms tucked inside her shirt. I hadn't met these kids before so I quickly learned their names and how much soccer they had played. I thought it would be good if this kid took her arms out of her shirt.

Coach Me: Are you cold?

Girl: Very cold!

Coach Me (looking at her empty sleeves): You don't have any arms, do you?

Girl: No.

Coach Me: You really don't have any arms?

Girl: No.

Coach Me (I find that joking with kids and entering their imaginary worlds really helps them like you): Ha ha! Poor kid. No arms.

Even with her arms stubbornly retracted the kid played great. I forgot her name, though, and said to Krista, "What's that kid's name again?"

She asked, "Which kid?"

"The one without any arms," I said.

"Why do you keep pointing that out?"

"She won't stick her arms out. I was teasing her about not having any arms."

"Matt. She *doesn't* have any arms. She was drinking from her water bottle using her feet."

Coach Me: (Silence)

Yes. I am an idiot. Sorry, kid.

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