Friday, October 31, 2008

I Hate Zombies

If there's one shambling monstrosity I could gladly do without, it's those stupid zombies.

A vampire has a certain vicious nobility, and there is a spare beauty in its complete selfishness.

A mummy has honor at least. He curses with complete impartiality and he keeps his word. You disturb him and he'll kill you. I can respect that.

The wolfman you can feel sorry for. The poor idiot has to lock himself up every full moon, and fight against his deep desire to disembowel people.

Then there's the zombie. Stupid, limping, nasty, flesh-eating imbeciles. They're the lowest common denominator of monsters. They're nothing but a mockery of life and resurrection. It's dumb. Their limbs fall off and retain locomotion. They are dead but they breathe enough to say UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHNNNNNN. The smart ones can say things like, "Brains." It doesn't even make sense how they move. No heart beating or anything, no blood pumping (unless you kill them for some reason). They're always sneaking up on people and chewing on them. They're not only stupid, they're impolite.

Some people think the best thing you can do for a zombie is to kill it. I say that's too good for a zombie. I like to ignore them completely. So a zombie comes straggling into a grocery store, crying for brains, I just walk calmly past it and get my produce. Stupid zombie doesn't even know to chase you unless you scream and run.

Everybody hates a zombie. And I don't even feel bad writing this because the dumb zombies can't even read. There's always a chance that Dracula might stumble across your blog and have his feelings hurt.

Sometimes I wait until a zombie is all calm and sleepy like and I sneak up on it and balance stuff on it. Like that website, Stuff On My Cat. Only I do it with zombies. I like to dress them up like cowboys and ballerinas. So if you see a collection of zombie cowboys wandering through your streets tonight, you'll know I've been around.