Wednesday, July 02, 2008

A Revisionist History of Star Wars

Tonight I told my daughters, Z and A, and my nephew J and abbreviated version of the Star Wars trilogy (eps 4-6). It started getting a little silly at about the time Luke Skywalker attacked the Death Star.

Me: And then -- bad news --

A: Skip the bad news!

Me: The TIE fighters came out of the Death Star and started to attack!

J: And then a Thai person came out, too.

Me: Um. Okay.

A: And then an Englishman.

Me: Sure. So these TIE fighters and the Thai person and the Englishman all chase Luke down into this trench --

A: And a Spaniard!

Me: And a Spaniard --

J: And a Chinese guy!

Me: Uh-huh, and --

About ten nationalities later they let Luke blow up the Death Star. But when we got to the victory celebration on the planet Yavin, A insisted on talking through what everyone was wearing, making modifications as she saw fit, and also spending quite some time talking about how carefully Chewbacca combed his fur.

Barely into "Return of the Jedi" A came up with a new innovation... she wanted a pegasus added in, and Han Solo and Leia had to ride it. So I added that in during the speeder bike chase. Then she wanted Tweety Bird to show up and talk with Leia and the ewoks, so we did that, too.

Then J decided that the Emperor should be Tweety Bird. (NOTE: In Mikalatos stories, Tweety Bird not only talks funny, she also purposely mangles everyone's names.) Which gave rise to scenes like this one:

Darth Vader: I have brought the young Skywalker to you, My Master.

Emperor Tweety: Oooooh, dat's wonderful. I wuv getting a new Skippywalkee.

Luke: Skywalker.

Emperor: Dat's what I saaaaaid, Skippywalkee.

He also calls Darth Vader "Dark Voodeepoo." In the end, Darth Vader throws the Emperor over into the abyss and the Emperor shouts, "Ooooh! My electrecaticity is shooting all over de pwace!" Then Darth Vader says, "I'm glad he's gone. He was a little annoying."

Then there's the big party at the end. By now Han Solo has also been turned into Tweety Bird. Everyone is saying silly things to each other. Ghost Yoda is made at everyone for calling him Yahoo... a name that Han Tweety gave him and they all adopted. At the very end Chewbacca gets mad because Han keeps calling him "Chewbobby" and he picks him up and throws him over the trees and Han yells "Yaaaaaaaaaha ha hoooie!" and lands in a river.

The End.

Then Z looked up from her book and said, "Hey, did I miss the part where Darth Vader cuts off Luke's hand?"

That ain't the half of what you missed, kid.