Sunday, February 17, 2008

Revolutionary Advice With Matt

Dear Matt,

I heard it's unsafe to flush old medications, which is what I've always done. What's the best way to get rid of them?

Signed,

Sitting On A Crapload of Old Medicine


Dear Crapload,

An excellent question, especially since in some states it's now illegal to throw your old medicines in the trash, in an attempt to keep drug addicts and racoons from getting hopped up on your leftover medications.

I personally prefer to flush my leftover medications in neighborhoods other than my own, primarily because I am concerned that alligators in the sewer may become either enormous or psychotic, rise from the sewers and bite off me hand.

The public restroom in any Starbucks is a safe place to do away with those medications. The alligators near any Starbucks are already out of control due to the amount of caffeine that seeps into the groundwater. Sewer alligators near Starbucks locations have up to eleven times more caffeine in their blood than other wild alligators. A slight increase in pharmacy castoffs seems to calm them somewhat, and I've found that the incidence of sewer alligator attacks in my neighborhood has decreased nearly 27% since I began to discard our old medicine there.

If you are the sort of calloused individual unwilling to do the extra work to do away with your extra medications, it may be that your neighborhood has a Collector Monkey. Many Organ Grinder Monkeys have been out of work in the last few years, and now they wander about on unicycles gathering leftover medications to deliver to the recycling center.