Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Revolutionary Advice with Matt

Dear Matt,

I need your advice. Whenever I go to the movies there is an old man who is hard of hearing. He makes comments to his friends, thinking he is whispering, but he is actually speaking loudly and distracts me from the movie. Is there a polite way I can tell him to be quiet?

Signed,

Helpless In the Theatre

Dear Helpless,

The trick here is to remember that the old man can't hear you. Some might tell you to use gestures to try to get the man's attention, and then hold your finger up to your lip as if to say, "Sh!" I disagree. You could try to ask the man politely to keep the noise down, but chances are he wouldn't hear you the first several times. Remember, he is speaking loudly but thinks he is practically whispering. So, your best bet is to yell, "SHUT IT, OLD MAN!"

Be sure to scream it suddenly, as if to get his attention.

Here's a simple equation to help you in these situations:

(Loudness at Which Old Man Is Talking + Volume of Movie) (Distance From Old Man) = Required Volume of Your Shout

Sincerely, Matt